Fear of death

[Laura-1601]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting and I'm a bit nervous (ironic I know). I'm 22 years old and have been suffering from anxiety since the age of 18. My first panic attack was during a difficult period in my life when I lost my Grandpa who I was closer to than anyone else. He had been ill for as long as I could remember and "should have died 10 years before he did", so I suppose I developed a mentally that he was invincible, which I feel made his death even more difficult and incomprehensible. For the first few months after his death, my attacks were fairly consistent; felt very physical, but only subsided when I would return home to my mum's house (as I lived away in student halls). The attacks became so frequent when away from home and I was so terrified that they were something other than anxiety that I left uni and returned home. I started to go to CBT which I felt helped with coping techniques. My panic attacks were always "weird" sensations in my chest, which made it difficult to fall asleep, and when I eventually did sleep, I'd wake up in a sweat from jumping in the bed!
I should mention that I am very overweight and have only recently found the motivation to begin working towards a healthier lifestyle by joining a gym and working on a meal plan, but I'm even terrified of exercising in case my body can't cope and it feels very catch 22.
The problem I have now is that I am inheritantly scared of death. I hear about other people being unwell and immediately think "that could happen to me". I have a cramp in my leg and assume its a DVT, or a fluttering in my chest and assume its a heart attack. Its taking over my life. Yesterday I had an odd sensation in my chest which has come and gone, met with a weird feeling in my left arm, never pain as such. The last time I spoke to my GP about my anxiety over my heart, I was 19 and he laughed at me as if I was completely ridiculous for even bothering to make an appointment and listened to my heart to humour me, but now that I am a little older and more importantly, unhealthier, I worry that I have done damage to my body that is irreversible. I worry that I am the person who has a heart attack at 22 even though people assume you won't. I worry about whether I should go to a hospital and then when I decided against it, I worry that it is the one time I should have gone. People always say that people can usually tell when there's something wrong with them, but its not so black and white. I'm terrified that I'll put a serious medical issue down to anxiety and won't seek help.
I used to speak to my mum all the time about it, but she's sick of giving me the same advice and feeling like I'm not taking it in.
I'm not sure what to do, whether to speak to a GP and organise further CBT as its been a while since I've had some or go to the hospital and have my heart checked.
I never considered how physically a mental health problem could present itself and how it could change my life. I'm sorry my post is so long and I hope that someone will be able to give some advice based on their experience as I can't keep going on the way I am.

thanks

Laura

[countrygirl]

Hi Laura, you have alot of insight into your health anxiety which is good.
I have had ha since I was a young child due to trauma with death at a young age and like you I was always convinced that every single symptom would result in death because that was what I had experienced aged 5.

I am now 54 years old and much wiser although I still have health anxiety.

With benefit of hindsight I wished that I had explained my fears to my GP ( if necessary change Drs till you find one who understands and will work with you) because now I have a GP I can talk to it is much easier as I can be upfront about what my real worry is and he can explain how he thinks I am wrong and he is also sympathetic to a certain amount of medical tests to rule out my fears.
One example is that I have alot of damaged discs in my lower back and I can get acute attacks of back pain. In the past I have always asked for and got an mri scan to check that this time it was not due to cancer but last time it happened he spent time explaining that they know whats wrong with my back and although mri scans are thought to be safe no one really knows the long term effects of having lots and lots of scans so he asked me to wait and see if I improved myself and we arranged that if I didn'timprove at all in another 6 weeks he would send me for a scan. I did improve and never had the scan. We worked together on this one.
Its worth trying CBT and any other therapy thats on offer as well.

I have in all honesty ruined my life worrying about every symptom I have ( I have quite a few chronic health problems so always in pain/have symptoms) and I now tell everyone to go out and enjoy life because you could get run over by a bus tomorrow!

[Pipkin]

Hi Laura,

You sound like you're having a really bad time and you've come to the right place for support. I'm not a health anxiety sufferer myself but I can relate to the symptoms you're describing. There are a couple of points which may get you started:

1) You need a GP who listens, understands and takes the time to explain things to you. Tests will only reassure for a while. The real answer is to have an open conversation about your anxiety and how to use the techniques you've learned to control it better. If you're not happy with your current GP, you can ask to see another. No-one will be offended. If you're in a larger practice, it's common to see a range of GPs. Once you find the one for you, you can request them every time. I have an outstanding relationship with my GP but it took a few others before him to find the one I could work with. Remember that treatment is a two-way process and you should feel involved in any decisions about your treatment be it therapy or medication.

2) It really helps if you get a better understanding of how your body works and how physical symptoms can be caused by anxiety. This can be difficult because symptoms are real, not imagined as some people believe. There's a great article on here that does just that: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/symptoms There's also a good HA article which you might find interesting.

Good luck and keep posting

Pip

[worrywart29]

I understand exactly how you feel for the past six months I spend the entire day thinking at any moment I could drop dead. I literally wake up and go to bed with this on my mind. It's ruining my life, I try to convince myself that it's just HA and I feel better at times but it never fully leave me. I'm currently going through anxiety over my heart rate because its always so low. I know exactly how you feel but honestly at 22 and even being over weight the chances of a heart attack is slim. It take years for the arteries to become blocked it's not just something that happen over night. I think youre on the right track for recognizing that you have HA I wish you all of luck on getting better.

[Laura-1601]

Thank you so much to all of you for your very helpful and extremely kind replies. I very much appreciate the time taken to read and respond :) I wouldn't wish HA on anyone, but its somewhat comforting to know that other people have had similar experiences and that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
Like you mentioned, I am with a massive practice and will definitely be asking to speak with a different doctor until I find one I can approach about my anxiety. I feel that I have been so consumed by worrying about symptoms that I haven't had a chance to grieve properly for my losses. I didn't mention that my gran passed away very suddenly a matter of months after my grandpa did and that my uncle then suddenly passed away a year later, both from heart attacks, so no surprises where the initial fear comes from! I just need to get to a point where I can manage my symptoms better and equally, get healthier physically! Fingers crossed I'll be able to post an update soon with some positive progress.

Thank you all again and best wishes with your journey!

Laura x

[tmckenzie-orr]

Laura At the moment you are so very young and even if you have had a poor lifestyle eating and being overweight etc, it wont barely effect you , you get people at 18-30 doing drugs drinking all the time It will be fine dont worry you are making the steps to lose weight and healthy eat, now, which is good, as when you get older it gets alot harder to do so which becomes more of strain on your body at the moment you need to think that you will be fine and you are fine , you often get many horrible symptoms with anxiety especially chest tightness etc be happy and dont let yourself get dragged down

[Laura-1601]

Thanks so much tmckenzie! I'm glad I decided to post on here, the responses have been a massive reassurance and very helpful.

[sial72]

Hi Laura
I am so sorry for all your loss and that you are having such a bad time.
As you say it is very obvious where it is coming from and you are taking the right steps.
My Dad died in front of me when I was 10, ever since I have been terrified of death and had anxiety on and off all my life.
I want to say the same as Countrygirl has said to you, you are young, it would be such a shame that you waste time and suffer about something that we cannot do anything about.
I am ill at the moment and ironically it is one ilness that I never once thought about, so there you go...
I'm sure you will get better, you are taking the right steps xxxx

[Laura-1601]

Hi Sial,

Thank you for your reply. I have been overwhelmed by everyone's kindness. I am sorry to hear about your loss at such a young age and that you are not well. I hope that you feel better soon and if not, that it is at least managable. My grandpa passing away was my first real experience of death, at least I was a little older which I am grateful for as he played a huge part in my growing up. My partner who also suffers from anxiety (not HA) lost both of his parents within 2 years of each other in his mid-20s and I am extremely proud of how well he does on a day to day basis and his strength is inspiring. He has been seeing a therapist for a while now and I find great strength and optimism through him and his will to live a happier and less worrysome life. I very much hope I will make progress in the very near future, both mentally and physically.

Many thanks for replying and all the best :)

[feelthelove]

Hi Laura , I know how you feel i've had a fear of death since being five years old when my granddad died and other traumatic things happened at the same time so all these things stick with us and affect us with our fears and phobias.
I'm 51 this September so even with all the phobias and HA it is possible to still have a life , I have had many times during my life where everything has been great and have travelled to many different places with my husband and two sons , they were the happiest times of my life and although i still had phobias and HA i still did enjoy life .

I think the key to getting through all this is to keep occupied and look forward to things , I'm sure your grandpa wouldn't want you to be wasting life worrying about dying , i know how you feel remember and sometimes we just have to think to ourselves that we do not know what will happen tomorrow so we need to live life for today and enjoy it the best we can, sometimes i feel so down i need reassurance just like you do today and it was only a few days back that i was sick of living because of various problems , but each day is different and for us anxiety sufferers and that's why we are all here for each other to help each other through bad and good times .

lots of love xx

[pulisa]

Laura, you have an exceptionally mature attitude to your more- than- understandable worries and you have certainly had a lot to deal with recently.

I wish you all the very best for your recovery. Your strength and positive attitude will help you so much.

[Laura-1601]

Hi feelthelove,

Thank you for replying. I can't put in to words how much better I feel just for reading other sufferer's words of kindness and encouragement. I am sorry to hear that you suffered a loss at such a young age, but am hopeful for the future from your story that you have grown from your experiences and gone on to have children and travel etc. Its amazing how much more I appreciate the simple things in life and purely want to have a "normal" adulthood since my first attack. I feel as though the 20s are the years which shape us as the people we will be for the rest of our adult lives and I very much want things to take a different path! I hope that with the correct support from my GP that I can work towards a constructive way of dealing with my HA and live my life with the same type of strength that you yourself have developed. I know I'll always have bad days, as that happens with or without HA, but its all about coping mechanisms which is exactly what I'm terrible at. Hopefully that will change in the near future!

All the best.

Laura.

---------- Post added at 22:40 ---------- Previous post was at 22:39 ----------

Hi Pulisa,

Thanks so much for your kind words, they are truly invaluable on what was until now a struggle of a day.

I hope you are well!

Laura

[Anna1707]

I ruined my life with analyzing and worrying all the time. Most of my fears were rational fears. I was never or rarely irrational, because I always had long and serious symptoms. So I developed a tehnique. If my symptoms last longer than a week, I go and see my doctor. That way any short symptoms were quickly forgotten.

What I wanted to say is.. one time I went to talk to oncologist because I had some crazy pain in my lower back for weeks. He told me : cancer doesn't hurt. It hurts when it's spread and it does not happen over week or two. Cancer is not a mushroom after rain. It takes time for it to form and it takes a lot of time for it to spread and then start to hurt you. Go home and don't think of cancer any more.

We will all die some day, but now - we live. Go out on a street. They all will be dead one day. Movie stars/singers/presidents? Them too. But right now, they dont think about death. Why? Because they learned to cope with things we dont have control on. That is something we have to learn, and when I say WE I mean us with anxiety. My parents are old but they don't talk about how afraid they are.

Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow. So we live today. That is the only way anyone can truly experience life. And that life, it doesn't have to be some glamourous social family successful life. I know people, very sick people (not people with HA and phobias) but people who really struggle, who live 50 times happier lives than mine. Because they have learned what really counts. Loving youself no metter what, and living like this day is your last day on Earth.

I have been on many surgeries through the years and every time before they put me to sleep I think: what if I never wake up? After many years of thinking the same thing I realised death is the same thing. You die and nothing much changes. It's the most simple thing ever. And also the most natural part of our lives. So if we want to be alive, and most of us do, then it's only natural to stop doing things that are ruining it for us. Like imagining that we are ill every other day.

[countrygirl]

Brilliant Anna. This is how I now try and live although not always sucessfully as the ha is not truly tamed!

[sial72]

Yes, very good post Anna, thank you x

[Laura-1601]

Hi Anna,

What a brilliant read and very good points that you have made. I hope we can all work towards a similar mentality to yours :)

Laura