reilly15
17-07-15, 04:22
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the forum and have read so many of your posts and at last have found a group of people who seem to be suffering the same nightmare that I am. I thought it might be cathartic to share some of my own experiences.
I get terrible health anxiety over...well everything! In the past I have had chest X rays for lung cancer, heart scans for what I thought was Sudden Adult Death Syndrome, I've diagnosed myself from Dr Google with MS, throat cancer, high blood pressure, stroke, heart defects...you name it, I've had it (in my head).
I'm currently convinced that I have Stage IV bowel cancer (I even skip stages to the very last stage). I constantly think doctors will miss something or think I'm a hypochondriac (they'd be right) and dismiss something and I'll die out of their lack of belief in me.
I don't have a clue when it all started but cared my dad through lung disease and watched him die which was obviously awful and currently I have a lot of care responsibility for my mum who has dementia. I can pinpoint panic attacks to starting during when I was on jury service a couple of years ago. I was on a terrible myrder trial and as a juror you can't really leave during proceedings, so I had to sit through all sorts of pathologist reports and just awful things. It was so bad that week that I would dig my nails into my thighs to try and take my mind off the terrible panic attacks I was silently having. It hasn't really gone since then, apart from abating once or twice and that was 2.5 years ago.
I am pretty successful, a manager of a team, but my work suffers from my constant googling of symptoms and feeling trapped in social situations. Work meetings seem to be the worst for me where I am convinced I will drop dead, collapse, have a stroke, not have the use of my legs when I get up, vomit, have facial drooping...all sorts of bizarre thoughts run riot through my poor head. I always think of escape routes ('I'll pretend I have an urgent call and leave if it turns out I'm having a stroke') and my thoughts spiral out of control where I start visualising being carried out in an ambulance, everyone staring at me, sympathising, but being secretly pleased it's not them suffering. I have some debt so I need the job to pay it off (debt free in 2019 whoopie) and it's well paid but challenging and stressful most days.
I'm a master at masking this stuff. The one sign people might notice is I move a lot in my chair as I can't sit still - often I'm testing that my arms still work. The amount of times I raise my arms over my head to check I'm not having a stroke - I could do my own Mexican wave! Otherwise they probably would believe I'm a fully functioning successful manager with a good home life and loads of confidence. If only they could see inside my head. My family think I'm confident and able, my partner thinks I'm funny and spontaneous. No one really knows what I'm going through.
I do have a good home life although I don't share my anxieties much with my partner. If I do, he does try to listen but is very much of the 'it's all in your head' mindset which does nothing to help with allaying my fears. I know I shouldn't seek reassurance though but I do tend to hide any doctors appointments from him and have silent panic attacks when I'm with him, even walking the dog can mean I have legs like lead and I think I'm at the point of collapsing. My dog is is great at helping me alleviate some stress by stroking him or walking him, he's a blessing but I even have health anxiety for him!
I guess I just can't believe that one day I'll die. It's not fear of that as much, it's fear of being the one who gets the terminal disease and putting stress on everyone to look after me and having people feel sorry for me. Needing to be cared for. Not seeing how all of the lives of my loved ones play out. Not being able to support and help people. Having the injustice of being a young person who dies prematurely without fm feeling like I've really lived.
So far, I've managed to keep my job but it's getting harder to go through daily tasks. I go to work then care for my mum for a few hours (that can be in itself stressful as she needs constant reassurance because of her dementia and is so frail and depressed now). I come home, cook tea, watch telly and go to bed and the anxiety is right there when I go to sleep and right there when I wake up again. Strangely enough, I broke my leg a few months ago and had a few months when I didn't have anxiety - it was like I had something to actually concentrate which meant I temporarily forgot about all of my other 'symptoms'.
It was one of the best times of the last two years - I can't believe I've just written that but it was.
It's taking the joy out of my life. I went on holiday a few months back and instead of lying in the sunshine and enjoying it, I swam in the pool and worried I'd have a stroke, had terrible bouts of diarrhoea, checked moles, became convinced of a pulmonary embolism and that I was just going to stand up from my sun lounger and drop dead. I'm glad I went on holiday so as not to give in but if I ever get a choice I prefer to be at home. I couldn't wait to get back.
I've thought about sharing this with the doctor but my previous GP was so dismissive of me when I presented a lump behind my ear last year that all of my confidence has gone. I also worry that it will be on my records and doctors will just see my previous complaints and dismiss me. Strangely enough, when I broke my leg I actually liked going to the hospital because I thought 'at least if I drop dead they've got a chance of resuscitating me here'. I know how crazy that sounds when I wrote it down but, in the moment, it seems completely rationale thought!
Being on Facebook or hearing about people I know who are fighting cancer is awful too. I'm ashamed to say I often get obsessed by their symptoms or how they became aware of cancer so I can add it to the long list of checking. Then I feel guilty that I've thought such a terrible thing. Even if someone is very old I find myself disbelieving that death can actually happen to them. And I've seen death happen to my father and know it can happen so I don't know why I'm so surprised that it comes to us all.
Things don't get better if I share my thoughts with friends. My best friend takes it all in her stride and I always think I'm going to be the girl that cried wolf and it will be too late for me when I actually do get diagnosed with whatever disease is flavour of the month. Other friends have actual conditions and tut-tut-tut if I start to say I have a symptom and look for reassurance.
It's now 3:45 am. I woke up with diarrhoea after having stomach cramps all day and being convinced I had a bowel blockage or colon cancer. This is FAR TOO MUCH INFO but I'm so bad that I have a poo on the floor (obviously on wipes) and then inspect it for blood or mucus. (My partner is away so my mind is freer than usual to run riot). An old school friend has been diagnosed with stage IV and has about a year to live. I don't see him anymore but it's all over Facebook and the poor guy looks terrible and all of these old schoolies have put on a big event for him. I donated some money but couldn't go for the fear of actually seeing him in the flesh and freaking out. How terrible is that? He's going through my worst nightmare and there I am taking his symptoms and making them my own.
Im 37 and I want to have babies but the thought of having these worries about a little one or dying and leaving an orphan makes me baulk. But I know I have to get this sorted as I'll regret not having children and I'm already leaving it too late (more because of my care responsibilities). Im the youngest of five kids, all healthy and seemingly happy although my sisters do get some health anxiety too but we don't really share stuff like that so I wouldn't necessarily confide in them. My parents reached well into their 80s (mum is still going but very frail with dementia now) but I always think 'I'm the one - I'll be the one it happens to'. My mum suffered with anxiety and depression all of her life and I never wanted to have the pain that she went through but it's osmosisised into me somehow. She always said I was her little angel because I was such a late baby and had been sent to care for her - I've no doubt that a lot of this is probably wrapped up in that relationship because sometimes I wonder if my only purpose in life is to care for her and then once she goes I'll just drop dead. Ridiculous, I know.
I feel envy of those people who don't jump to the catastrophic conclusion when they get a sore throat or a pain in their leg.
I could use some help and advice or just some likeminded individuals trying to get through this awful journey. Reading your posts I can see how reassurance doesn't work and my medical records probably show the same thing as I present symptoms every few years or so for completely different things.
How can I come to terms with death? How can I start living life? How can I believe that I am probably going to live a long happy life and take symptoms in my stride?
If you got this far, thanks for reading. I guess it has been pretty cathartic :hugs:
I'm new to the forum and have read so many of your posts and at last have found a group of people who seem to be suffering the same nightmare that I am. I thought it might be cathartic to share some of my own experiences.
I get terrible health anxiety over...well everything! In the past I have had chest X rays for lung cancer, heart scans for what I thought was Sudden Adult Death Syndrome, I've diagnosed myself from Dr Google with MS, throat cancer, high blood pressure, stroke, heart defects...you name it, I've had it (in my head).
I'm currently convinced that I have Stage IV bowel cancer (I even skip stages to the very last stage). I constantly think doctors will miss something or think I'm a hypochondriac (they'd be right) and dismiss something and I'll die out of their lack of belief in me.
I don't have a clue when it all started but cared my dad through lung disease and watched him die which was obviously awful and currently I have a lot of care responsibility for my mum who has dementia. I can pinpoint panic attacks to starting during when I was on jury service a couple of years ago. I was on a terrible myrder trial and as a juror you can't really leave during proceedings, so I had to sit through all sorts of pathologist reports and just awful things. It was so bad that week that I would dig my nails into my thighs to try and take my mind off the terrible panic attacks I was silently having. It hasn't really gone since then, apart from abating once or twice and that was 2.5 years ago.
I am pretty successful, a manager of a team, but my work suffers from my constant googling of symptoms and feeling trapped in social situations. Work meetings seem to be the worst for me where I am convinced I will drop dead, collapse, have a stroke, not have the use of my legs when I get up, vomit, have facial drooping...all sorts of bizarre thoughts run riot through my poor head. I always think of escape routes ('I'll pretend I have an urgent call and leave if it turns out I'm having a stroke') and my thoughts spiral out of control where I start visualising being carried out in an ambulance, everyone staring at me, sympathising, but being secretly pleased it's not them suffering. I have some debt so I need the job to pay it off (debt free in 2019 whoopie) and it's well paid but challenging and stressful most days.
I'm a master at masking this stuff. The one sign people might notice is I move a lot in my chair as I can't sit still - often I'm testing that my arms still work. The amount of times I raise my arms over my head to check I'm not having a stroke - I could do my own Mexican wave! Otherwise they probably would believe I'm a fully functioning successful manager with a good home life and loads of confidence. If only they could see inside my head. My family think I'm confident and able, my partner thinks I'm funny and spontaneous. No one really knows what I'm going through.
I do have a good home life although I don't share my anxieties much with my partner. If I do, he does try to listen but is very much of the 'it's all in your head' mindset which does nothing to help with allaying my fears. I know I shouldn't seek reassurance though but I do tend to hide any doctors appointments from him and have silent panic attacks when I'm with him, even walking the dog can mean I have legs like lead and I think I'm at the point of collapsing. My dog is is great at helping me alleviate some stress by stroking him or walking him, he's a blessing but I even have health anxiety for him!
I guess I just can't believe that one day I'll die. It's not fear of that as much, it's fear of being the one who gets the terminal disease and putting stress on everyone to look after me and having people feel sorry for me. Needing to be cared for. Not seeing how all of the lives of my loved ones play out. Not being able to support and help people. Having the injustice of being a young person who dies prematurely without fm feeling like I've really lived.
So far, I've managed to keep my job but it's getting harder to go through daily tasks. I go to work then care for my mum for a few hours (that can be in itself stressful as she needs constant reassurance because of her dementia and is so frail and depressed now). I come home, cook tea, watch telly and go to bed and the anxiety is right there when I go to sleep and right there when I wake up again. Strangely enough, I broke my leg a few months ago and had a few months when I didn't have anxiety - it was like I had something to actually concentrate which meant I temporarily forgot about all of my other 'symptoms'.
It was one of the best times of the last two years - I can't believe I've just written that but it was.
It's taking the joy out of my life. I went on holiday a few months back and instead of lying in the sunshine and enjoying it, I swam in the pool and worried I'd have a stroke, had terrible bouts of diarrhoea, checked moles, became convinced of a pulmonary embolism and that I was just going to stand up from my sun lounger and drop dead. I'm glad I went on holiday so as not to give in but if I ever get a choice I prefer to be at home. I couldn't wait to get back.
I've thought about sharing this with the doctor but my previous GP was so dismissive of me when I presented a lump behind my ear last year that all of my confidence has gone. I also worry that it will be on my records and doctors will just see my previous complaints and dismiss me. Strangely enough, when I broke my leg I actually liked going to the hospital because I thought 'at least if I drop dead they've got a chance of resuscitating me here'. I know how crazy that sounds when I wrote it down but, in the moment, it seems completely rationale thought!
Being on Facebook or hearing about people I know who are fighting cancer is awful too. I'm ashamed to say I often get obsessed by their symptoms or how they became aware of cancer so I can add it to the long list of checking. Then I feel guilty that I've thought such a terrible thing. Even if someone is very old I find myself disbelieving that death can actually happen to them. And I've seen death happen to my father and know it can happen so I don't know why I'm so surprised that it comes to us all.
Things don't get better if I share my thoughts with friends. My best friend takes it all in her stride and I always think I'm going to be the girl that cried wolf and it will be too late for me when I actually do get diagnosed with whatever disease is flavour of the month. Other friends have actual conditions and tut-tut-tut if I start to say I have a symptom and look for reassurance.
It's now 3:45 am. I woke up with diarrhoea after having stomach cramps all day and being convinced I had a bowel blockage or colon cancer. This is FAR TOO MUCH INFO but I'm so bad that I have a poo on the floor (obviously on wipes) and then inspect it for blood or mucus. (My partner is away so my mind is freer than usual to run riot). An old school friend has been diagnosed with stage IV and has about a year to live. I don't see him anymore but it's all over Facebook and the poor guy looks terrible and all of these old schoolies have put on a big event for him. I donated some money but couldn't go for the fear of actually seeing him in the flesh and freaking out. How terrible is that? He's going through my worst nightmare and there I am taking his symptoms and making them my own.
Im 37 and I want to have babies but the thought of having these worries about a little one or dying and leaving an orphan makes me baulk. But I know I have to get this sorted as I'll regret not having children and I'm already leaving it too late (more because of my care responsibilities). Im the youngest of five kids, all healthy and seemingly happy although my sisters do get some health anxiety too but we don't really share stuff like that so I wouldn't necessarily confide in them. My parents reached well into their 80s (mum is still going but very frail with dementia now) but I always think 'I'm the one - I'll be the one it happens to'. My mum suffered with anxiety and depression all of her life and I never wanted to have the pain that she went through but it's osmosisised into me somehow. She always said I was her little angel because I was such a late baby and had been sent to care for her - I've no doubt that a lot of this is probably wrapped up in that relationship because sometimes I wonder if my only purpose in life is to care for her and then once she goes I'll just drop dead. Ridiculous, I know.
I feel envy of those people who don't jump to the catastrophic conclusion when they get a sore throat or a pain in their leg.
I could use some help and advice or just some likeminded individuals trying to get through this awful journey. Reading your posts I can see how reassurance doesn't work and my medical records probably show the same thing as I present symptoms every few years or so for completely different things.
How can I come to terms with death? How can I start living life? How can I believe that I am probably going to live a long happy life and take symptoms in my stride?
If you got this far, thanks for reading. I guess it has been pretty cathartic :hugs: