Full freak out mode - need help

[Westielove]

Hi everyone,

So I have developed a phobia which is now reaching it's peak as I am fully freaking out now and cannot function. I go through phases of feeling ok, thinking rationally and then bad phases of just completely catastrophising and thinking the worst. Unfortunately the bad phase seems to be lasting longer these days.

The phobia is HIV. I had unprotected sex 4 years ago and it was the worst mistake I ever made because it has made my life hell ever since. I am now married and have been with my husband for the past 3 years and he has been very supportive but I don't want to continue burdening our relationship so much with this constant anxiety.

The problem is, I can't bring myself to get tested because every time I try, I have a full blown panic attack and can't physically go through with it. I am currently having counselling sessions and have been referred to a psychiatrist to prescribe me calming meds so I can go for the test.

The facts that I am being told to look at for reassurance are things such as -

My husband got tested twice (to try and help reassure me) a year after we had been together, both came back negative.
I have had no 'symptoms'
I am considered low risk
The sexual health doctor told my husband that if he didn't have it then I wouldn't have it

However, my irrational mind has a 'what if' thought for each of the above -

Eg - what if the test was done too early in our relationship, or maybe it is possible that I could be a 'carrier' and my husband just didn't contract it ?

What if it's possible to go all these years without any symptoms?

What if I am unlucky enough to be that small percentage ?

What if the doctor was wrong?

To make matters worse, I now have a bit of phlegm on my chest and feel like my left tonsil may be a little swollen and I feel like I have a bit of fever (even though my temp is only 36.1)

Please help as I am fully freaking out and haven't got my appt with the psych until next week.

Could any one who knows about this offer me some facts to help reassure me?

Thanks in advance

---------- Post added at 10:37 ---------- Previous post was at 09:27 ----------

Please help someone now I have just taken my temp because my skin felt hot yet I was a bit cold and shakey and it was 37.4. Is this a fever? I'm so scared now this could be the beginning of the 'symptoms' to my biggest fear!

[hanshan]

37.4 is barely feverish, but everyone gets hotter and colder through the day. Also, most people have mild health upsets from time to time - it's totally normal and not a sign of HIV.

If you have health anxiety and finally do have the test (which will come back negative), then your anxiety will switch to something else, eg maybe the test was wrong, or maybe you really have cancer, etc. Work with your counsellor or psychiatrist to stop this happening.

[Westielove]

37.4 is barely feverish, but everyone gets hotter and colder through the day. Also, most people have mild health upsets from time to time - it's totally normal and not a sign of HIV.

If you have health anxiety and finally do have the test (which will come back negative), then your anxiety will switch to something else, eg maybe the test was wrong, or maybe you really have cancer, etc. Work with your counsellor or psychiatrist to stop this happening.

Thank you for your reply hanshan.

I just can't help but attribute any kind of 'unusual' feeling that I get straight to HIV. For example, I had cramps in my toes during exercise etc - freaked out!
Every time I get headaches - I think it's that! I started getting a small dry patch of skin on my forehead - I thought it was that!
To be honest the only thing that was kind of reassuring me was that I hadn't yet gotten sick with fever or anything, but now because I am running a high temp I have started freaking out like never before!

I have been having CBT sessions with my counsellor but to be honest I don't feel they have been useful at all. My counsellor never really says anything and I walk out of the session feeling just as worried. That's why I come on this website often as I find more comfort and advice to help me control my anxiety than with the counsellor.

Do you think I would be showing more signs by now if I had it?

Thanks

---------- Post added at 12:31 ---------- Previous post was at 12:03 ----------

Now my colleagues in work are telling me that 37.4 is fever and I should see a doctor!! I am panicking so much now please help, anyone?

[Frenchy]

Sorry, I know you are looking for reassurance and I hope this doesn't sound harsh - but if you are able to argue away your husbands test results and all the other factors you listed with these "what if" thoughts - then I really don't think that any opinions given on this board are going to help you they way you want them to.

I'm afraid even if a long line of people roll up here to tell you they think you're fine and that it's unlikely you have HIV, you are still highly likely to keep applying the same "what if" thinking to those opinions too...

The truth is, we can all tell you it's highly unlikely, for the reasons you have outlined but ask yourself, will that actually make your anxiety abate? Or will you carry on thinking "well, they don't know... they can't guaruntee that I don't have it... what if, unlikely as it is.... I do have it" After 4 years I don't think a few unqualified people on a forum are going to be able to make this go away.

I honestly think you either need to try and tackle the anxiety at source with treatment or therapy - or work towards trying to get yourself a HIV test - as impossible as that may seem right now. Those are the only avenues that might possibly get you past this.

Rationally, what have you actually got to lose from taking a test? It's highly likely to be negative... however IF (and this is hypothetical!) you did have HIV, that fact would not change, whether you had a test or not.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be awful to have been worried about this for so long. I honestly do feel for you

[Westielove]

Thank you for your reply, Frenchy.

Yes you are completely right, however until I get the meds in order to take the test then reassurance from people who know more than I do about HIV (I'm too scared to inform myself fully) is the only thing that will calm me down. If I knew that my husband's negative test results were definite proof that I don't have it then I would feel better, but I don't know enough about the facts. Can you shed any light on that for me?

I've just had the worst panic attack to date in work about an hour ago and sent myself home. It was triggered by the fact that I know have a high temperature although no other symptoms other than a little cough now and again. So I am panicking that the high temp is a 'sign'

I am home alone and panicking and don't know whether to go to the doctors about my high temperature (it was 37.4 when I checked and seems no better after taking paracetamol).

I want to call a helpline or something but not sure whether to just go the doctor or leave it and see if my temp goes down? God I hate this so much :(

[Fishmanpa]

Unfortunately Frenchy is right. What can people say on an internet forum that hasn't been said by medical professionals? Why would take the word of strangers over people you know?

Your temperature, while a tad over normal (normal = 37 - 98.6, yours is 37.4 - 99.3) is not considered a "high" temperature. You've been told this in a previous post and have turned into something it's not.

Hope you feel better soon....

Good luck and positive thoughts

[Frenchy]

Thank you for your reply, Frenchy.

Yes you are completely right, however until I get the meds in order to take the test then reassurance from people who know more than I do about HIV (I'm too scared to inform myself fully) is the only thing that will calm me down. If I knew that my husband's negative test results were definite proof that I don't have it then I would feel better, but I don't know enough about the facts. Can you shed any light on that for me?

I've just had the worst panic attack to date in work about an hour ago and sent myself home. It was triggered by the fact that I know have a high temperature although no other symptoms other than a little cough now and again. So I am panicking that the high temp is a 'sign'

I am home alone and panicking and don't know whether to go to the doctors about my high temperature (it was 37.4 when I checked and seems no better after taking paracetamol).

I want to call a helpline or something but not sure whether to just go the doctor or leave it and see if my temp goes down? God I hate this so much :(

Firstly, as difficult as it is, you have to insert a bit of rational thought in to this. People's body temperatures fluctuate all the time - and every one of us occasionally picks up harmless germs, bugs, cold viruses - or will experience a mild inflamation somewhere in our bodies that may make our temp go up a bit. This is completely 100% normal for all human beings on the planet. It happens to everyone every now and again and it is obviously not a sure-sign that you have HIV. You're temp is only slightly raised, in any case.

With a raised temperature and nothing else, the most an ordinary doctor would probably do is order some rest and some paracetamol/ibuprofen. They can't perform any kind of body scan to identify the exact cause of the slightly raised temp so will probably put this down to a harmless bug or mild inflamation somwehere. So unless you mention your HIV concerns to them a GP probably won't be all that much help for your anxiety either to be honest. At a push they might agree to a general blood test/blood count or urine test but neither of those would check for HIV, but may highlight a general infection/inflamation somewhere.

Your health care proffesional was right - if your husband was tested after a year of you meeting (and pressumably having a "normal" level of physical intimacy) it is very likely your husband would probably have contracted it - but again, noone here can really provide any actual professional medical advice or garuantees about these things.

[Westielove]

Thanks Fishmanpa and Frenchy for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it.

Funnily enough I would actually find more comfort in words from people on here as they seem to be more informed about these type of things. I know I should be reassured by what the doctor said to my husband but I can't help in thinking what if there is still a possibility!

I know it's not a very high temp but my colleagues in work panicked me with their reactions when I told them and they said go to the doctor! But the weird thing is I don't feel unwell which is what is worrying me.

I watched a video on the internet last week of a HIV + person talking about how he constantly has fever, so my mind has obviously stored that and now that I have a temp it's flashing back to that video!

I just wish I knew more about it..wish I was more 'informed' but I know by doing that it would make my phobia worse.

Well, looks like I will just have to wait another week or so until I can get the meds and go for the test.
I feel so weak..I mean, so many people go through the same worry but just do what they have to do! Then there's me - total coward 😔

[Frenchy]

Its not a worrying sign that you feel fine - as your temperature is only slightly raised, that just probably indicates that whatever it is, is probably very mild. It may even just be your body fighting off a very mild cold strain... it may even just be anxiety, as stress is proven to increase body temp too.

I had to go for an HIV test a few years ago after a stupid unprotected sexual encounter with someone whom I later found out had had a very large number of sexual partners (probably also unprotected)... I was scared too....it's not something anyone wants to do, but I knew that it was better to know - for better OR worse. And I knew that it would be intolerable to just try to go on with my life not knowing.

For you, I suspect the only way for you to move past this is probably to get tested. But as someone has already mentioned, you have to take steps to address your anxiety and ensure that you don't then just move on to something else. If you are certain that this HIV thing is a one-off anxiety as a result of a specific negative experience, then maybe getting tested is the right thing to do, just to put this demon to bed once and for all. I know others might tell me off for saying that, because getting tested may be seen as you caving in to your anxiety - but the fact is, getting tested is something responsible people are encouraged to do and millions of people do get tested all around the world every day.