ana
22-07-15, 20:48
I've been a member of this site for a number of years now, and I wish to share some of the things that, I sincerely hope, those who read this thread might find useful or at least relateable.
For the past 14 years, I have been experiencing panic attacks. When I was at my worst, I was taking 4 different types of medication on a daily basis, and was seeing a therapist once a week. My panic disorder manifested itself in the form of symptoms ranging from racing heart and shortness of breath to depersonalisation and tingling sensations in my limbs, as well as claustrophobia and agoraphobia. The agoraphobia made it difficult for me to function (i.e. leave the house) which eventually lead to my therapist suggesting to my parents that I drop out of school for I was falling apart psychologically. I became depressed as I was feeling lonely and isolated, like nobody could understand what I was going through. An unfortunately large number of deaths in the family that occurred in the years that followed, naturally, made things even more difficult. What is more, my parents didn't want me to tell any of my friends or teachers about my panic disorder out of fear that they wouldn't understand, so I kept my feelings to myself. I still do.
My panic attacks became a barrier between me and the big bad world. If I don't socialise, I won't experience loss or rejection. If I can only master the energy to go to school, back home, back to bed, and then repeat it all over again the next day, then life is simple and I am protected. By choosing how much exposure I have to the outside world, I am in control of my life when in actual fact, I don't feel like I have control over the only thing I want control over: my feelings.
However, I didn't drop out of school. In fact, I went on to graduating from university with a Master's degree, and am now employed in my area of expertise. I withdrew all medication, and I started seeing a different therapist. None of my friends still know about my panic disorder, but my partner does. I haven't come to accept my panic disorder, but I have stopped hating it, and I have stopped perceiving it as an integral part of my identity, that which defines me. Panic attacks are a manifestation of something that went awry in my emotional functioning, and that is all they are. I still get shaky if I have to leave the house for a longer period of time or drive long distances, but I've drummed the following mantra into my head: panic attacks are not going to kill me; they are not going to drive me mad.
I do realise that some of you reading this may feel as though they can't hear the 'it's only a panic attack' phrase anymore, but please believe me when I say: your panic attacks do not have power over you, as they are your feelings and emotions, they belong to you alone which by default means that they are under your control. You may not feel like you have control, but you do. It took me a while to wrap my head around this concept, but once I did, I felt empowered, even if I do experience panic (which I still do, I'm not writing this from the perspective of someone who has beaten anxiety), I know that it will pass, as it always does. If I was meant to die from a panic attack, I would have been dead by now, and for many years!
Today, for the first time, I feel like I'm getting out of my panic disorder, which is why I thought I'd make this post. I do apologise for the length of this thread, but I (honestly, I did!) tried to make it as concise as possible. I have a lot more to say on this topic, so please feel free to reply and talk to me, if you wish. I hope everyone is having a lovely day, and thank you for taking the time to read what I've got to say. :)
For the past 14 years, I have been experiencing panic attacks. When I was at my worst, I was taking 4 different types of medication on a daily basis, and was seeing a therapist once a week. My panic disorder manifested itself in the form of symptoms ranging from racing heart and shortness of breath to depersonalisation and tingling sensations in my limbs, as well as claustrophobia and agoraphobia. The agoraphobia made it difficult for me to function (i.e. leave the house) which eventually lead to my therapist suggesting to my parents that I drop out of school for I was falling apart psychologically. I became depressed as I was feeling lonely and isolated, like nobody could understand what I was going through. An unfortunately large number of deaths in the family that occurred in the years that followed, naturally, made things even more difficult. What is more, my parents didn't want me to tell any of my friends or teachers about my panic disorder out of fear that they wouldn't understand, so I kept my feelings to myself. I still do.
My panic attacks became a barrier between me and the big bad world. If I don't socialise, I won't experience loss or rejection. If I can only master the energy to go to school, back home, back to bed, and then repeat it all over again the next day, then life is simple and I am protected. By choosing how much exposure I have to the outside world, I am in control of my life when in actual fact, I don't feel like I have control over the only thing I want control over: my feelings.
However, I didn't drop out of school. In fact, I went on to graduating from university with a Master's degree, and am now employed in my area of expertise. I withdrew all medication, and I started seeing a different therapist. None of my friends still know about my panic disorder, but my partner does. I haven't come to accept my panic disorder, but I have stopped hating it, and I have stopped perceiving it as an integral part of my identity, that which defines me. Panic attacks are a manifestation of something that went awry in my emotional functioning, and that is all they are. I still get shaky if I have to leave the house for a longer period of time or drive long distances, but I've drummed the following mantra into my head: panic attacks are not going to kill me; they are not going to drive me mad.
I do realise that some of you reading this may feel as though they can't hear the 'it's only a panic attack' phrase anymore, but please believe me when I say: your panic attacks do not have power over you, as they are your feelings and emotions, they belong to you alone which by default means that they are under your control. You may not feel like you have control, but you do. It took me a while to wrap my head around this concept, but once I did, I felt empowered, even if I do experience panic (which I still do, I'm not writing this from the perspective of someone who has beaten anxiety), I know that it will pass, as it always does. If I was meant to die from a panic attack, I would have been dead by now, and for many years!
Today, for the first time, I feel like I'm getting out of my panic disorder, which is why I thought I'd make this post. I do apologise for the length of this thread, but I (honestly, I did!) tried to make it as concise as possible. I have a lot more to say on this topic, so please feel free to reply and talk to me, if you wish. I hope everyone is having a lovely day, and thank you for taking the time to read what I've got to say. :)