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View Full Version : I need help and advice - Tokiphobia?



SaraLily
24-07-15, 03:06
Hello everyone,

My name is Sara, I'm 29 years old, and I have been diagnosed with GAD mixed with Panic Disorder and depression.

I am currently on medication and I feel fine. My problem is that even though I LOVE children, I could never imagine my life without them, I am terrified of being pregnant and giving birth. My husband wants a baby, I do too, but I have no idea how I will overcome my fears! I feel life is unfair. Here I am, feeling I was born to be a mom, but I am too scared to jump in.

I am not sure exactly what I am afraid of the most.....I saw 2 psychologists but without success. They juste told me that basically, I will have to suck it up and do it like everybody else. My gynecologist just said "you'll have to clean that mess up in your head or otherwise your pregnancy will be hell." Thanks for this, doc.

I had a friend whom had 2 kids and she was delighted to describe to me every little detail of pregnancy, morning sickness, she said she felt like there was an alien living inside her! She did the same thing with labor stories. I am pissed. Shouldn't we encourage ourselves, you know, a woman to another?!

I have to mention that my husband is bipolar, but is being treated and has been stable for 4 years. My "friend" says I'll probably go into postpartum depression if my husband cannot get up at night ( we are not sure if it will be the case, nevertheless, he will continue to work after the baby is born so it makes sense that I do the night feedings too..).

Anyway, to make a short story, I strongly desire children, but I can't bring myself to TTC. I feel stuck and it makes me sad. I feel I will never be able to overcome this. I'm pretty tired all the time from all my anxiety, I wonder if I'll be able to do this...

Maybe I won't be a good mom? Maybe I will hurt so bad during labor that I'll die? Or feel like I'm dying? Maybe I'll have an awful pregnancy? I have no idea what is scaring me so much, but to be honest, I think I am really not looking forward to having contractions...

Sorry for the long post, but I desperately need to talk :,(

hyper
25-07-15, 02:14
hi there, if you really want to have children you will be able to cope with anything. No 2 pregnancies are the same so don't be put off by your friends experiences. If you become pregnant just take 1 day at a time, the rewards will be overwhelmingly worth it.

Xx

SaraLily
06-08-15, 08:18
Thank you so much for your kind answer :)

sial72
06-08-15, 08:39
Hi Sara
I was exactly the same as you. Completely terrified of pregnancy, thought I wouldn't be able to cope having something in my tummy, though I would die giving birth and that I would be a terrible Mum.
Because of all these fears I put off having children until I was 37 when I thought now or never.
Well, the pregnancy was fantastic, I have never in my life felt so well, the birth went well and even a little thing that happened didn't bother me because I was so extatic. Having my daughter is what has made my life worth living. Being a Mum is just the best thing in life...it is a shame to miss out on it because of fear
My fear made me leave it very late and I wasn't able to have more children, but that doesn't matter too much because I have the best daughter in the world xxx

SaraLily
18-08-15, 02:03
Hi Sara
I was exactly the same as you. Completely terrified of pregnancy, thought I wouldn't be able to cope having something in my tummy, though I would die giving birth and that I would be a terrible Mum.
Because of all these fears I put off having children until I was 37 when I thought now or never.
Well, the pregnancy was fantastic, I have never in my life felt so well, the birth went well and even a little thing that happened didn't bother me because I was so extatic. Having my daughter is what has made my life worth living. Being a Mum is just the best thing in life...it is a shame to miss out on it because of fear
My fear made me leave it very late and I wasn't able to have more children, but that doesn't matter too much because I have the best daughter in the world xxx
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps because I spent the night crying about my situation. I cannot see a way out of this. It feels good to onow I'm not alone and that things can turn out fine.

Thank you....

sial72
18-08-15, 08:13
Oh and may I add...once you are pregnant just ignore stupid people with all their stories. People just looove to exagerate to get attention. When I hear how my sister in law explains her pregnancy I think...that is so not true...
You just enjoy yours, you will be fine!

Pepperpot
18-08-15, 10:17
Hey,

I have 2 kids (9 and 13 now), and my pregnancies were fine. Yes I got a spot of morning sickness, and the usuall cramps and aches and pains, but the thing is, your baby grows slowly so it's not like all of a sudden you have this huge belly and have to deal with it, you get used to it each week & it's lovely knowing you have your baby inside you and you are helping him/her become stronger. If that makes sense? Also, don't listen to your friend telling you that your husband not getting up through the night will cause you depression. What a load of shit. How does she think single mothers cope? Are they all depressed? I got up with my son every night as my partner worked & was also lazy, and I never got depression.
I'm afraid if you want children that much you're just going to have to take the plunge. It's a lovely experience, but women do like to share their "horror" stories; I don't know why lol. For the record, my two births were totally different; one was with an epidural and I didn't feel a thing, and the other was with no pain relief at all. And I'd do it without pain relief again as the minute I gave birth I felt fine, whereas you have to wait for the epidural to wear off before you can get out of bed. You'll be fine you know. It's a journey and I bet once you embark on if you'll wonder why you ever had these fears in the first place x

SaraLily
18-08-15, 23:06
Thank you!!! It makes me feel way better!

I used to not be terrified at all. I wanted kids so much I didn't even think about the pain or the morning sickness.

But that was before one of my "friends" had her 2 boys. She hated being pregnant (mostly because she couldn't smoke and drink, I'm pretty sure!!) and what infuriates me is that she had 2 relatively easy deliveries! 6 hours for her first and 4 for her second. Had the epidural(well she had the epidural almost at 10 cm dilalted for her first, it's as if she did it natural, imho!)

The more my husband and I think about it, the more we are getting mad. I always have been trying to not listen to her, and I once told her to stop. I haven't seen her since my wedding in May, and I don't think I want to see her anytime soon.

Her oldest slept through the night after 2 weeks and her second after 4-5 months. To me she sounds like an ingrate. I don't know why I am telling you all of this....but I need to say it. She has scared me shitless with her stories, saying how "maybe" the doctor won't allow an epidural, that the whirlpool made her contractions worse and didn't help. Oh, it seems like she lost conciousness once because she was exhausted from caring to her baby.

She's basically screaming "YOU CAN'T DO IT, I did it but I'm better than you." This is how it feels. I have to say though, I also grew up with a depressed and anxious mother who always told me she didn't wish me any children because it it's too hard, and I know my birth and my brothers births stories entirely(mine was a little traumatic, it seems)...She now has changed her views since she became a grandma, but still...

My sister in law had her first child in March and she loved being pregnant. She has a wonderful pregnancy.

Anyway....I guess I will have to take the plunge. I'm not sure if I am 100% tokophobic. I love pregnant women, I adore babies, when I hold and care for my nephew, it's like He puts a balm to my heart...it may sound weird, but I feel like I'm robbed from this wonderful experience..

Pepperpot
19-08-15, 00:15
Awww I really feel for you. Your friend sounds like a right pain in the arse. Passing out from exhaustion from caring for her baby? I bet she didn't. Also I can't understand how she was allowed an epidural at nearly 10cm; i was all set for one with my son and the midwife checked and I was 8cm so she sent the epidural man (I can't think what the proper name for him is Lololol) away! I was like, noooooooooo please stay lol. Anyway, every woman is different, and their babies are different. I've had friends who had 30minute labours, and who've had 6hr labours. Like I said too, I've had full pain relief as well as no pain relief. Sounds like your mam has put you off too. It's really funny how women share the horror stories but not the nice side of birth and pregnancy; of course giving birth isn't a pain free experience, and I used to be terrified, but let me tell you, once you're about 35wks and tired from carrying all the extra weight, you don't care about how much you think it's gonna hurt, you just want to be able to paint your toe nails again :roflmao:

SaraLily
20-08-15, 04:42
Everyone, thank you, you are all right. I will need to take the plunge...i'm just no looking forward the panic attacks when the test comes back positive. That will be hard!!! My husband tells me to stop thinking about the worst and take it one day at a time. I know it's what I need to do, but it's hard. I just want to have a nice pregnancy, bond with my little baby and not be anxious and panicky all the time. Maybe I'll need medication...

fallingstar
20-08-15, 06:04
Hey, girl! I'm 29 too. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I was always wondering how I'd cope with pregnancy, the birth, after etc. Turns out something with the change of my hormones made me almost immune to panic the entire 9 months. Didn't suffer one. Had a few anxious moments but that was it. I was still socially awkward at college etc but that was it. I actually felt okay the whole time. Maybe this was due to having to decrease caffeine intake drastically too but who knows? The birth itself was not frightening. I was worried prior to it about having palpitations or passing out - but neither ever happened. As for the responsibility of taking care of a kid - it's like a roller coaster sometimes - especially as a single mom here - but in the end it's all completely and totally worth it having a mini-you in your life. They are challenging and not always cooperative kids - but kids are awesome - and aside from the father that she has - I would not change a thing. I will say tantrums tend to make me anxious - but it's getting better.

Also, I was on Zoloft and Xanax at the time of the positive test and I was totally okay after going cold turkey. Some people do stay on medicines that are said to be safe to the fetus during pregnancy however I didn't want to risk that.

If you have any questions or anything I'm around!

SaraLily
26-08-15, 18:11
Hey, girl! I'm 29 too. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I was always wondering how I'd cope with pregnancy, the birth, after etc. Turns out something with the change of my hormones made me almost immune to panic the entire 9 months. Didn't suffer one. Had a few anxious moments but that was it. I was still socially awkward at college etc but that was it. I actually felt okay the whole time. Maybe this was due to having to decrease caffeine intake drastically too but who knows? The birth itself was not frightening. I was worried prior to it about having palpitations or passing out - but neither ever happened. As for the responsibility of taking care of a kid - it's like a roller coaster sometimes - especially as a single mom here - but in the end it's all completely and totally worth it having a mini-you in your life. They are challenging and not always cooperative kids - but kids are awesome - and aside from the father that she has - I would not change a thing. I will say tantrums tend to make me anxious - but it's getting better.

Also, I was on Zoloft and Xanax at the time of the positive test and I was totally okay after going cold turkey. Some people do stay on medicines that are said to be safe to the fetus during pregnancy however I didn't want to risk that.

If you have any questions or anything I'm around!

Thank you!
Your experience gives me hope I can do this too! Even though I still get to hear awful stories from people around me, I'm starting to believe I can go through it.

I will not lie. I am still petrified. But thank you everyone for your input!:bighug1:

Pepperpot
28-08-15, 03:55
That's a good attitude, you CAN do it. X

nursegreenwhippet
06-10-15, 08:56
Sorry to hear of your difficulties with this. I too was terrified of being trapped by pregnancy and even more scared of birth. I read and re read an excellent book called love works like this by Lauren Slater, it really helped me as she too had lots of issues around this subject.
I'm so glad I had my daughter at 37. I felt like I'd done the most scary but best thing ever. There are lots of people that can help you and birth can be controlled by pain relief if you request it, it doesn't last forever. :)

SaraLily
10-11-15, 18:45
Thank you everyone for your answers. To be honest, I am still terrified, and I feel so sad. I'm not trying for baby yet because I went back to school, and I'll be done by next summer. But my husband wants to try then, because he is ready. I'm so scared.

I think I feel I can't be a good mother because I'm always exhausted and I don't even have a kid yet. But my husband tells me we'll cope like everyone else.

I know I lack self-confidence, but this is bad. I went to a therapist and she told me : "Did you ever consider not having children?" and it hurt me so much....:weep:

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

Chocolateface
06-12-15, 22:18
Hi

I hope you have made a decision to ttc, and have your baby it truly is the best thing ever. It is scary as you don't know what will happen but women have been having babies for centuries. The best advice I will give is it is all a natural process so go with nature, learn deep breathing to help you relax and your baby has to fit into your lives no one elses so do what works for you not everyone else.

Good luck with it

Clare

SaraLily
15-01-16, 22:05
Hey,

I have made the decision to have a baby, but my husband and I decided to wait until June or so, since that's when I'll finish school (yeah, I'm 30 and I went back to school!)

I am still terrified, but I will have to go with it.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm afraid of not being in control of my body for 9 months...and having to care for someone all my life.

I feel like I'm not good enough to do it....stupid, I know. And I wonder how I will react when the baby starts to move...will I be scared and panicked? We'll see...

I'm not cured at all. I need to do it anyway. But just thinking about holding a positive pregnancy test makes me heart race :(