How long can I hang on?

[worriedpartner]

Hi guys,

I'm not a social anxiety sufferer my other half is. We have a son who is nearly 3 and to be honest I'm at the end of my tether. I don't know how long I can stay trying to support him anymore and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My partners anxiety is literally so bad now he doesn't actually leave the house anymore for over a year or more. He is severely depressed. He is a super unhealthy 23 stone now as he comfort eats/no exercise. He rarely baths (once a month). He has completely given up.

I work nights while my mother in law looks after my son then I stay up all day with my son after the night as she works too. I do everything to run a house from cleaning to shopping to raising my son.

A while ago his doctor referred him to mental health and the care co-ordinater visited arranged meds and CBT. The meds lasted about a week and the CBT never happened. He said he wasn't ready and that ended that. Whenever I mention help he says he can't be helped or he's not ready. He's becoming increasingly abusive to me. He keeps calling me a fat c**t and that he hopes I die, that he hates me. He pinches and slaps me. Then the next minute he loves me again and he can't understand why I'm upset.

I've thought about contacting his Dr but I know he will get angry and take it out on me if I do and say he doesn't want/need help. I've told him sometimes I can't carry on and will leave in my worst moments and he just says good, or turns his behaviour to be my fault. How can I get him the help if he doesn't see he needs it?

[.Poppy.]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Obviously it's terrible he feels the way he does, but you shouldn't have to suffer such abuse either.

Maybe you could try asking him what he thinks he needs to do. If he doesn't think medication and CBT are the answer, what is his solution? What does he realistically think will get him feeling better?

Be sure to let him know that you want him to be happy and healthy, but that you think he's not seeing the entire picture. See if you can get him to agree to try the meds/CBT for two months: if it doesn't work at that point, you can decide what to do. But he must commit.

Honestly, though, if that doesn't work I do think you need to go ahead and call the doctor. This is a bad situation, for everyone, and if he's not willing to make effort to change - not even try - something else needs to be done.

[Richard1960]

Hi guys,

I'm not a social anxiety sufferer my other half is. We have a son who is nearly 3 and to be honest I'm at the end of my tether. I don't know how long I can stay trying to support him anymore and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My partners anxiety is literally so bad now he doesn't actually leave the house anymore for over a year or more. He is severely depressed. He is a super unhealthy 23 stone now as he comfort eats/no exercise. He rarely baths (once a month). He has completely given up.

I work nights while my mother in law looks after my son then I stay up all day with my son after the night as she works too. I do everything to run a house from cleaning to shopping to raising my son.

A while ago his doctor referred him to mental health and the care co-ordinater visited arranged meds and CBT. The meds lasted about a week and the CBT never happened. He said he wasn't ready and that ended that. Whenever I mention help he says he can't be helped or he's not ready. He's becoming increasingly abusive to me. He keeps calling me a fat c**t and that he hopes I die, that he hates me. He pinches and slaps me. Then the next minute he loves me again and he can't understand why I'm upset.

I've thought about contacting his Dr but I know he will get angry and take it out on me if I do and say he doesn't want/need help. I've told him sometimes I can't carry on and will leave in my worst moments and he just says good, or turns his behaviour to be my fault. How can I get him the help if he doesn't see he needs it?

Hi this is a terrible situation i feel very sorry for you,have you tried to contact the co-ordinator who arranged for the meds perhaps they can arrange for more meds he sounds as though he needs them, CBT is great but will have no effect even if he was willing to do it in the frame of mind he currently is in.

Failing that you may well need to bite the bullet and contact his GP who might be able to arrange for a CPN (Community Pyschiatirc Nurse) to come and say it is a check up as he is in the system,rather then say you contacted his GP and get him some meds prescribed.

It sounds as though he needs to be stabilised before going any further,you could have one last talk before doing the above when he is in a receptive mood,but ultimately you may well have to act to protect your own mental health all the best.

Richard.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi,

This is a tough situation. The escalation into violence is worrying here and whilst anxiety & depression can make us do all sorts of things, he doesn't seem to recognise his behaviour as he should be feeling extremely guilty for it.

Was he ever violent before?

I think aside from contacting his GP, there is no reason why you can't consult yours for advice as well. You may also find some benefit in viewing the domestic abuse charity websites to see what things they suggest in cases where mental health issues are found alongside violence as they will have more knowledge given the more severe cases that can be found with personality disorders and other conditions.

CBT requires commitment and he may find this once he starts as being negative about treatment is something we can have with anxiety and moreso with depression. But given the crossovers into violence & abuse, he needs a longer term treatment than the anxiety routes common in IAPT but since there is a mental health team involved they will have access to longer timescales and different forms of therapy if CBT isn't working.

Please also look after yourself as this must be taking a massive toll on you. If you can't convince him to seek help then you may be faced with some tough decisions and they need to be right for you & your son as well as him.

[Richard1960]

I would also add mental health charity mind mind runs a helpline that you could use for support and advice.

Shortcut to: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

I would talk to them Monday to Friday 9am to 6pm who can point you in the right direction.

They also offer support to partners ,relatives. Have used them myself in the past and they are quite good.

All the best.

Richard.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Good point there, Richard.

The local mental health charity in my city, not connected to MIND in my city, also set up groups for carers so have a look at your local area incase there are any support groups like these so you can talk to relief some of the stress this is causing you.

[Richard1960]

Good point there, Richard.

The local mental health charity in my city, not connected to MIND in my city, also set up groups for carers so have a look at your local area incase there are any support groups like these so you can talk to relief some of the stress this is causing you.

Hi Terry.

Yes often people overlook the helplines that these charities run it only entered my mind after i had posted DOH! :doh::doh:

[pulisa]

Your partner obviously needs a thorough evaluation from a mental health point of view and you and your son need to feel safe in what must be a desperately sad and worrying situation.

As has been suggested, there's no reason why you can't contact your own doctor in view of the fact that your own mental health must be at risk due to the enormous strain of living with a volatile and clearly unwell partner?

You must keep yourself and your son well and safe. Your partner is an adult and must make his own decisions but he can't be allowed to drag you down with him. It must be so hard for you as you are naturally loyal to your partner but your life must be intolerable at present and you desperately need help to manage the situation.

[hoppipolla]

He doesn't sound much good to be honest...

I mean, it's one thing to just be struggling mentally or physically, but it's another to be nasty to those around you.

Don't just put up with whatever he throws at you - make sure he knows it's not the way to keep the relationship healthy...

But yeah that aside... I guess it depends what he feels he needs to be happy. I feel bad quite often because, in my case, I miss having a wider social network and I have some health worries and stuff. Plus money worries.

My point is... maybe his problems are specific things like that too.

That aside though, if he's being abusive like that then that's bad news...