Ruminating negative thoughts/memories.

[UrbanMark]

I was diagnosed Clinically depressed when I was 20 years old, I am now 43.
My family life wasn't the worst but I had an estranged relationship with my absentee mother, which got worse when she married. I didn't have a trusting family relationship with either of them. I was bullied at school from an early age and my step father verbally and physically abused and this got worse in my teenage years. I had repeated thoughts of suicide I was that low.Alcohol and drugs were a way to blot it out in my late teens and early twenties. I got into trouble with the police and was seriously assaulted a few times. I moved home six times during a ten year period and only felt safe in one of those locations. I was made redundant from my job at 21 and managed to get another a few months later. I've had digestive problems all my life that were only diagnosed when I was in my thirties. I have had Depression and General Anxiety disorder since my teens.

I have had CBT a few times and it was really helpful. I was reluctant to take any medication because I had heard a lot of bad stories about it, but eventually I went onto Citalopram six years ago - It changed my life. I had to come off Citalopram last year as my girlfriend and I were trying for a baby and Cital isn't exactly good for your libido. My son was born six weeks ago and we are over the moon with him. Life seems very good at the moment...

...so why is it that I have constant thoughts about all the bad things that were done to me when I was growing up? They seem to be on constant repeat inside my head, and it actually leads to headaches. I have thoughts/plans that entail harming the people that harmed me and I get angry when I think about it. It seems like I have a desperate need for some sort of revenge.

Any help advice would be appreciated.

[sial72]

Hi Mark
Congratulations on your baby!!!!
In my non-medical opinion maybe Cit kind of numbed your feelings for a number of years so that now you are not taking it all these memories are coming back again. At the same time having a child is very emotional and brings back memories of our own childhoods and parents.
These are my thoughts on what might be happening, as far as advice goes, is there any chance you could have some more therapy for your new circumstances? Do you work out at all? That helps clear the mind...xxx

[Justanutter]

Hi Mark

Sounds like you have had some awful traumas in your life to deal with and although it's easy for me to say, you need to find some sort of closure for all that has happened and now just concentrate on your lovely family. My Father had a similar upbringing and although it came back to haunt him for a spell during his old age, he got over it again with the help of our family. After all the abuse he had been through, he was the most loving, gentle person you could ever wish for and the most wonderful Father. You can be this person too, despite what rubbish life has thrown at you in the past. We can only let the past hurt us if we look for revenge or some sort of payback. All this just does is hurt us, not them, and do you really want to let somebody have that sort of hold over you still? Try and read some Mindfulness books as it teaches you to just be aware of today and nothing else - appreciate the love of your family, they are what is important now and be thankful that you have now this love in your life. The people who hurt you aren't worthy of your attention anymore.


Take care.

[UrbanMark]

Hi folks,

Thanks for the replies.

I understand the whole psychology behind mindfulness and positive thinking, but it's almost as though my own mind is determined to force me down this path. The level of focus my mind puts on these thoughts is unbelievable - especially when I go to bed.

[sial72]

Yes, that is what happens with this illness. It's like your mind is very determined to think about all the bad things, in fact everything it shouldn't be thinking of...grrrrr!!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Congratulations on your new baby. :yesyes: