AnnieLu
05-02-07, 09:35
Hello all,
Other than my brief introduction in the "Introduce Yourself" bit this is my first post here.
I was supposed to start a job today.
I didn't go.
Or rather, I went as far as their car park and came home again.
I tell myself that it was because it was in a call centre, and I have an irrational fear of phones, but in reality I'm just pathetic.
I have my 13 week JobSeekers Allowance interview thing on Thursday and they're going to want to know why I haven't got a job.
They're going to take one look at my experience/qualifications and say I'm more than capable of nearly every single job out there.
I know on paper I am.
But I just can't do it.
I wasn't even feeling particularly anxious this morning, or maybe I was and was just pretending I wasn't so I didn't have to accept that it was fear that stopped me.
I felt nauseous, but not to the extreme.
I could feel my heart beating and hear it in my ears, but again not to the extreme.
I have been taking Rescue Remedy, maybe that helped with the physical symptoms.
I thought I was able to cope with the psychological side. I've been though enough to be able to recognise the difference between fear and valid reasons. But lately the lines have been blurring.
When it came to the time to leave the house, I felt relatively calm...well, calm for 'just about to start a new job' anyway.
But on the way there I decided I didn't want to go.
I didn't want to spend 8 hours a day on the phone.
I wouldn't know what to do, and wouldn't be able to ask other people because they'd be on the phone too.
I know it would do me good to get out of the house.
My anxiety and social phobia feed off isolation.
Yet I still don't have the strength to push myself.
I stay here at home, where I feel safe wrapped up away from society.
Cocooned away from life.
But it can't last.
I've been out of work since June last year.
It's only going to get worse.
I need money.
I need a life.
I don't know how.
I'm scared.
I never thought I'd be back here again. Stuck in the house with pretty much no point in living.
I'm not particularly depressed at the moment, which is a good thing because if I were I could easily slip back into the suicidalness of 16 months ago.
I never thought I'd be a slave to anxiety again.
I thought I'd put it all behind me.
I should know better than anyone that if I just try then things often aren't as bad as I think they'll be.
But right now the "but what if they are?" feeling comes out top and leaves me sat here typing this when I should be at that job, taking the first steps to getting my life back.
xxx
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'" -- Mary Anne Radmacher
Other than my brief introduction in the "Introduce Yourself" bit this is my first post here.
I was supposed to start a job today.
I didn't go.
Or rather, I went as far as their car park and came home again.
I tell myself that it was because it was in a call centre, and I have an irrational fear of phones, but in reality I'm just pathetic.
I have my 13 week JobSeekers Allowance interview thing on Thursday and they're going to want to know why I haven't got a job.
They're going to take one look at my experience/qualifications and say I'm more than capable of nearly every single job out there.
I know on paper I am.
But I just can't do it.
I wasn't even feeling particularly anxious this morning, or maybe I was and was just pretending I wasn't so I didn't have to accept that it was fear that stopped me.
I felt nauseous, but not to the extreme.
I could feel my heart beating and hear it in my ears, but again not to the extreme.
I have been taking Rescue Remedy, maybe that helped with the physical symptoms.
I thought I was able to cope with the psychological side. I've been though enough to be able to recognise the difference between fear and valid reasons. But lately the lines have been blurring.
When it came to the time to leave the house, I felt relatively calm...well, calm for 'just about to start a new job' anyway.
But on the way there I decided I didn't want to go.
I didn't want to spend 8 hours a day on the phone.
I wouldn't know what to do, and wouldn't be able to ask other people because they'd be on the phone too.
I know it would do me good to get out of the house.
My anxiety and social phobia feed off isolation.
Yet I still don't have the strength to push myself.
I stay here at home, where I feel safe wrapped up away from society.
Cocooned away from life.
But it can't last.
I've been out of work since June last year.
It's only going to get worse.
I need money.
I need a life.
I don't know how.
I'm scared.
I never thought I'd be back here again. Stuck in the house with pretty much no point in living.
I'm not particularly depressed at the moment, which is a good thing because if I were I could easily slip back into the suicidalness of 16 months ago.
I never thought I'd be a slave to anxiety again.
I thought I'd put it all behind me.
I should know better than anyone that if I just try then things often aren't as bad as I think they'll be.
But right now the "but what if they are?" feeling comes out top and leaves me sat here typing this when I should be at that job, taking the first steps to getting my life back.
xxx
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'" -- Mary Anne Radmacher