STD worries

[confusedandalone67]

Please bear with me, actually writing out this is so difficult. Right now, I feel so alone and desperate and my chest is tight and my hands are shaking.

Ever since I was a young teen, I've been scared of infectious diseases. I remember feeling numb and in a state of sheer panic and fear at the paragraph about HIV in my Biology textbook. After I lost my virginity quite late, I had the fear and it felt completely real. It wasn't an ideal situation and I did get a UTI and it was quite traumatic all around. Three years later I lost the plot and I went into my doctor's shaking and in tears, I'd felt guilt about it for so long and I really felt like I'd caught something. The tests came back negative.

After this I did make a stupid mistake, while I didn't have full intercourse I was in touch with semen. This happened after my anxiety bout while I was feeling okay and please don't judge me harshly. I regret the incident a lot and I feel a lot of shame and anger with myself that I let it happen (especially considering my fear of infections) I'm not even a promiscuous person generally. I've only been with about 5 people ever and I'm in my mid 20s. I honestly don't feel like I am that person anymore and I understand how stupid and reckless with myself I was.

I get panicky and teary when I think of it now. I haven't had any symptoms to say I have anything. I just feel like I've tempted fate. It's hell in my head at the moment. I can't talk to anyone I know. It's too shameful.

Now I'm in a committed loving relationship and for the past year (up to now) I felt the happiest and most content I've ever been. Right now, this mistake from my past is eating me up inside and my shame is killing me. I feel like I tempted fate and I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and I'm too ashamed to say anything to my partner. I'm probably going to go back to my doctor in the coming week because she's the only one who knows the extent of my fear.

[tmckenzie-orr]

Its so silly why worry if ur in a loving relationship now, u need to forget it and move on the past is the past, I have been filthy as anything growing up even slept with prostitues without condoms and lots of normal girls i am all clear no std's yes its silly but things happen in the past its nothing wrong with it , the main thing is ur all clear its just a learnin curve , just enjoy urself with ur new partner now and be happy

[confusedandalone67]

I think I might want to go for another round of tests just to put my mind at ease and help me move on from the past.

I found an old post saying this site is doesn't really take kindly to this kind of HA anxiety but I really am in a desperate state over it.
I have been on Lexapro for anxiety and depression in the past and have experienced panic attacks and one very severe scary anxiety attack. Sometimes reality or the facts as they are get very blurred by my imagination and emotions and I don't know if a worry has a real problem behind it or not. It gets very hard on me and stops me from functioning (eating/sleeping etc)

[tmckenzie-orr]

its so silly though its not gonna have changed u dont need another test u just need to think to yourself everybody does stuff when younger, and you have hardly slept with alot of people, so dont worry urself its a pointless worry to have you are fine

[confusedandalone67]

Thank you for your response and reassurance. It is a terrible problem I have (the anxiety) to begin with but I will seek some professional advice during the week just to help me move on. Right now, my mind isn't clear at all and I don't know what I'm doing. I just needed to tell my story, I think some people might relate to it. It's just causing me a lot of distress.

I'm not seeking any diagnosis or anything. I literally just needed a place to expel all this tension.

[tmckenzie-orr]

of corse u just needed to say whats going through ur mind thats what health anxiety does it plays on ur mind and its good to get it out but u really musnt worry its not a big deal even if u slept with 1 person or 100 people sex is nothing and its over fairly quickly, the main thing is u had ur test it was negative now u gotta move on and forget about it dont let it depress u or bring u down, because its pointless if u had a std after this long you would know about it, so dont worry urself enjoy life and try get urself out of this horrible worrying time x

[Pepperpot]

I think you are being too harsh on yourself. Yes, you've made mistakes, yes you've paid the price, but there is a hell of a lot of people who have done silly things in their past - me included. You are obviously happy now so don't let your past ruin it for you. x

[confusedandalone67]

Hello Pepperpot,
I think therein lies the root of my anxiety. My fear is not only of the title of my thread but that my past will come back and ruin all the happiness I've built for myself. I wasn't a happy person before this. I got back into art and I met a wonderful person. I just feel like I can't make the connection between the unhappy idiot who made that mistake and the person I am now. It fills me with horror and it's put this worry in my head. I'm clearer in my mind at the moment but at the height of my anxiety I'm worried to the point of not eating and feeling teary constantly.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I found an old post saying this site is doesn't really take kindly to this kind of HA anxiety but I really am in a desperate state over it.


No, ignore whatever that was a it clearly does not reflect the current views of the forum or the views of the Admins as far as I have seen. It is also known form of OCD too and no one on the OCD board would have an issue with this topic being discussed.

There are others on here with similar fears to you who will be able to relate to your experiences. Such as http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=171571

[confusedandalone67]

MyNameIsTerry,
Thank you for your message. I hope this is the case. It's not an isolated incident for me, I've had this phobia and dread for years as well as other incidents related to health anxiety. I've also sought professional advice in the past, so I'm good to go here. I'm just looking for some people to relate to!

I did score high on an anxiety test for OCD once years ago and I do understand how health anxiety and OCD could be connected.

[confusedandalone67]

I'm in the worst way I've been since I posted this. I confessed to my boyfriend why I'm feeling so horrible and he's been supportive but I'm starting to feel like this is a legit worry and it's not my anxiety, I got tonsillitis after the incident and now I feel like I definitely have it. I've been scouring HIV symptoms all night and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep. I couldn't ring the doctor because of a bank holiday. I can't eat. I wretched nothing in the bathroom.

---------- Post added at 10:13 ---------- Previous post was at 07:08 ----------

I'm heading to Dublin today to get myself checked out. Ive gone through hell this past weekend worrying and not sleeping or eating properly. I'm absolutely terrified. I hope I made the right decision. My GP was booked up.

[confusedandalone67]

I'm in the clinic currently. I'm just fearing the worst. My whole body is shaking. I've never been so scared.

[Fishmanpa]

I know in your current state of mind, reassurance is useless but based on your post and scenario, I'll just wait for the "all clear" post :)

Positive thoughts

[confusedandalone67]

I know in your current state of mind, reassurance is useless but based on your post and scenario, I'll just wait for the "all clear" post :)

Positive thoughts

Thank you for your support. I faced a huge fear today first of all. I won't know my results for 2 weeks sadly so I still have a long wait and a lot of work to do anxiety wise. I'm not 100% confident about it still. The nurse and doctor were so nice and managed to put me at ease. I'm pretty sure I'll have my bad and good days during the wait.

There were tears. I'm going to go to my GP tomorrow to tackle the anxiety that is stopping me from eating and sleeping properly. I can't do anything about it now so all I can do now is just stop myself from googling any symptoms or horror stories and distract myself. I'm very sleep deprived and emotionally drained. Just wanted to check in. Everything is pretty hazy from the whole thing at this stage.

In fact, I might stay off this forum just until I straighten my head out and know what the results are.

[confusedandalone67]

I want to update this post just to let those who replied know I am NEGATIVE for HIV as well as other STDs. I received my letter this morning, surprised since it's only been over a week but it clearly said "all negative" for everything.

A nurse, a doctor and my boyfriend were the only ones that knew about this fear and it felt so real. I'm still not belittling myself or saying I was stupid. There is some reason why this intense fear and obsession entered my mind and I know I have to get to the root of it. I will be doing that. I don't know if it's GAD or OCD or what.

On the brighter side, I can enjoy my life as it is right now, I can look forward to the future instead of fearing it like a scary uncertainty where something horrible is going to happen. It's changed everything and I can finally join the living again.

I spent a lot of money on this test and I just had to do it because whether I was pos or neg, it wouldn't have changed. I slowly would have driven my amazing partner away, my life would have fell apart anyway because I would have been consumed by obsession and guilt. Facing this fear again has helped immensely.

Google is THE DEVIL. It might be true some diseases have no apparent symptoms but your own mind can make a connection based on nothing but your own death obsessed fear. I would recommend professional help because without it, I guarantee everyone I would have been popping Valium and being destructive rather than helping myself.

I feel so much compassion for all of you with health anxiety or OCD or similar disorders, this is real. This hurts us even when we aren't actually sick. I have to donate to a charity later because the mental hell (justified or not) nothing to turn away from.

Sorry for the long post!

x

[Fishmanpa]

Of course it was negative :D It's quite apparent it's a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. Your post is encouraging in that you recognize what this did to you and are motivated to get help and not allow the dragon to breathe fire down your neck again.

Often times it takes an event like this to open you eyes. I hope you follow through with seeking help. I often say this. I have physical issues that can bury me 6 feet under. Those that suffer mentally do that above ground as living in constant fear and worry is not living.

Positive thoughts

[confusedandalone67]

Of course it was negative :D It's quite apparent it's a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. Your post is encouraging in that you recognize what this did to you and are motivated to get help and not allow the dragon to breathe fire down your neck again.

Often times it takes an event like this to open you eyes. I hope you follow through with seeking help. I often say this. I have physical issues that can bury me 6 feet under. Those that suffer mentally do that above ground as living in constant fear and worry is not living.

Positive thoughts

I wish positive thoughts and health for you also. Thank you for reaching out. I do appreciate any support even online because it's a tricky thing I couldn't tell many people!

I did go through this fear before as I originally mentioned so I do have an anxiety/obsessive issue that was clouding my judgement and rationality.

This dragon has been slayed :D