Not feeling like myself

[bekw89]

I have progressed quite a bit in terms of symptoms, but can't shake this ruminating thought that I don't feel like my old self and that I never will do. I also just have a constant background anxiety that's something bad will happen and I can't shake it. I just want to feel like me again...

[MyNameIsTerry]

What you are describing is something that is so common with these disorders. Its probably some form of natural stage we go through on the road to recovery. How could we not question things? And just because we aren't focussed on an event that means a lot of panic or anxiety, doesn't mean we won't just feel anxious and not know why.

I tend to view GAD as that exactly, just constant anxiety whether there is a trigger or not.

Spin it this way...how could you go through all this and come out the other end the same person? But why is this a bad thing? Wouldn't you hope to come out the other end with greater insight into yourself and empathy for others? How could you go back to the old life and not spare a thought about other people going through things like this?

So, surely we can't be what we were before but that doesn't mean we won't be anxiety free, just that our experiences will shape us just like anything else major in life.

At the charity walk-ins they had a handbook with various rules for meetings, their 12 steps and vision, etc. One point was that we were not aiming to come out of this the same as we went into it. This could mean we come out worse because we don't get the help & support we need to recover BUT I like to think there is the polar opposite of this too; we come out better people.

Honestly Bek, it took me many months to get as far as you have come. You should keep things like that in mind.

[bekw89]

Thanks Terry, you really are so helpful. I will try my best to put that positive spin on it. Guess i'm just having a rubbish time at the moment as we all are. I'm sick of the constant thoughts, and sick of irrational fears, sick of feeling trapped in my head and letting this illness ruin my life. Day after day just waking to the same thing... BUT I must remember progress. It's hard I feel like I read everyone's posts but their anxiety is different, mine is so internal there are no external factors to pin it to and this makes me feel even more trapped. As you can see the morning anxiety has got me again! Another anxious post searching for answers. Also I'm due to go back into work this afternoon and want to so i'm on the right step but dont want to because I know i'll feel not like myself and panic. Hope ur doing ok?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm Ok, battling on as ever. Thanks for asking.

Anxiety isn't the samne for us all, some people do have more thought based issues. Look at the Pure O OCD people. There's is very much internal and people may never realise they have their issues as they are very keen to keep them secret as they can be quite emotive and misunderstood leading to some horrible labelling by ignorant people.

It can be tough being in your head all day. Mine's a mixture of that and physical symptoms.

Have you thought of trying Mindfulness? It aims to teach you how to accept your thoughts & feelings but also to control them and learn to still your mind. You might benefit from some meditation.

Also, people who are in their heads a lot just have the same stuff whizzing around endlessly without any closure, even if they get an answer as it justs keeps going. Sometimes it helps to write down because it feels like you are taking it out of your head and putting it on paper in the physical world. It can also change how you then look at it. CBT often has people doing this with things like Thought Records because its easier to take note of it when it's in black & white than invisible and whooshing around your subconscious without something to tell it to stop.

[bekw89]

You are right, mine tend to pop up about exitentialsim. Yesterday I was worrying about how weird it was that we view the world in first person! I try to laugh as this is something that hasn't bothered me for 26 years but is now an issue! Lol anxiety is a crazy game.

I will start a thought journal today properly and really need to get back on CBT. It sounds ridiculous but iv been steering away from mindfulness because I already feel too aware of everything but maybe I should give it a go.

I'm also still having what I call symptom less panic attacks but i'm beginning to think these are actually racing thoughts of panic.

Have u felt any improvement lately?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, they could be. If they don't develop into panic attacks anymore and these can be seen as how they used to start or at least part of them, maybe see it as breaking the chain in the panic attack? I found my OCD often worked like this so that whilst the anxiety may go, there was still a physical touching/checking habit in place to then also work on. Others with OCD have said this too so I think thats how mine has worked at times.

Yes, some people say things like this about Mindfulness. I felt the same way about it initially and things like Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) and breathing techniques. The last thing I wanted was a process that asked me to focus on something I couldn't stop thinking about. BUT what you realise is that whilst you are obsessing or thinking about it, you aren't thinking to the depth that something like Mindfulness teaches you just as you aren't really watching how your muscles tense & untense in PMR. Your focus is selective and these processes can help you to relearn how the focus should be.

Mindfulness can teach you to view a thought as an observer and say "whatever" and it floats past. It can take some time to learn though but some people take to it more easily. I'm just thinking it might help you to make your thoughts stop racing and the less racing you have, the more in control of your mind you feel again.

Some people worry that Mindfulness will change them or make them think about abstract philosophies. Thats because they make the mistake in thinking it's all meditation and they also tend to think about things like incite meditation or Transcendental Meditation (TM) which are completely different and more about probing the depths. Mindfulness is about living in the present. So, you see people talk about acceptance but they can't;t explain how you do it, just that you learn it or at least some anxiety "gurus" do, but Mindfulness has a series of exercises that build on each previous one. It doesn't just teach you acceptance, one of it's 8 key elements, but actually talks you through exercises where you start to feel it. Some exercises are breathing (the first), some are eating, some are movement based (Tai Chi & Qi Gong are movement Mindfulness arts, so is yoga), some are based on handling of objects, etc. You learn how to use each of your senses to understand what you are doing with some of these exercises, things you did as a baby but have forgotten because you rush everything in the modern world.

Yes, I feel improvement. I'm in no rush, I'm pretty secure where I am. I need to start doing more things again to build on my improvements but its my sleep pattern which hampers me more than anything but I'm working on it and even if you don't fix something for a while, you gain some incite into it and it helps you attack again from another angle.