Mums, what do you think?

[lior]

The thought occurred to me today that maybe my mum had me so she could heal herself. I think she has used me in a way to heal herself.

It's a bit strange for me to think that I was created for a purpose - like a product. I suddenly feel like I'm an android in a film, or a clone. Instead of being cloned to grow flesh to save someone, I'm created to save someone emotionally, through their attempt to create a good childhood for a little girl - unlike the one they had.

My mum was abused as a child in all sorts of ways.

She maintains that she is a brilliant mother and has not acknowledged the damage she has done to me and my brother. (At least not to my knowledge. I stopped speaking to her just over a year ago.) Recently I have confirmed with my therapist that she suffers from narcissism as a coping mechanism.

The main form of abuse she gave to me was enmeshment. This is where the child is not allowed to say no. The child is not allowed to have boundaries. The child is seen as an extension of the parent's self - their time belongs to the parent. The parent would see no problem in sharing information that belongs to the child (so the parent would tell your secrets). When the parent is upset, the child too feels the parent's emotions. She would come to me for consolation about arguments with dad, or to talk about her bad childhood, since I was 12 or so. I grew up with a controlling, manipulative mother. I am only just processing that my being conditioned to not say 'no' was abusive.

At the same time - she did her utmost best. I guess she was too damaged to be the brilliant mother she wanted to be. She was great in a lot of ways. But really bad in others.

I wonder if any of my upbringing healed my mum. I wonder if she is taking damage to her healing because I am not speaking to her. She probably is. I've felt so guilty over that, but now I am learning to put my needs first - and to recognise that I have needs in the first place.

Does anyone else feel like they were born to heal their parents?

As a product, I think I probably failed.
Still, I am not a product and my mother does not own me, despite me having felt that for much of my life.

[SarahH]

Wow! That is so deep. It must have been terrible to live with a narcissistic mother. I don't really know what to say but just wanted to reply to your post and say that I am glad you are getting help with dealing with this.
Your understanding of your mother and your relationship with her will I hope help you grow strong:flowers:

Sarah

[sial72]

Your mother was probably not really aware that she was doing all these things and I like to think she was doing it the best she knew considering her upbringing.
The good thing is that because you have worked on it you are aware and can break the cycle.
As a Mum I always said I wouldn't repeat some of the things that my Mum did and even though my daughter is absolutely everything to me and I always try to do things the best I can for her I probably make mistakes too.
By understanding things you can change them for the better, so that us good xx

[pulisa]

I think your Mum may be very sad if she were able to read your post.

[lior]

Pulisa, you're right, but even so I have to be honest with my own feelings. My whole life I have pretended that nothing was wrong, and I took her treatment. I went along with her saying she was a brilliant mum and had made no mistakes. She once asked me if she was making me live in fear, as my dad accused her, and I lied and said of course not, because I was too scared.

My mum may be sad if she read this - but I am sad. And it's not fair on me to pretend I'm not, for the sake of my mum, when it's cost me my mental health.

Thanks Sarah and sial72. I think you're right. I think by understanding and by talking about it with people, I'll be able to change. I do think my mum was doing her best and I don't think she intended to hurt me. That doesn't mean that I will continue to accept her trying to control me. As an adult I need to learn where my barriers are and know how to not let my mum cross the line. I'm still figuring that bit out.


The new bit - about being born to heal my mum - is that common experience? Why do people have children? Isn't it quite common to have children so that you can bring up your child in a different or same way to the childhood you had?

[SarahH]

Not for me Lior. I am very lucky that I had a wonderful childhood.I am the youngest of 3 so was spoilt rotten by my parents. Particularly my dad. Not financially I might add.
Sadly my dad died 8 years ago but I am still close to my Mum.
I have a 25 yrs old daughter. I don't know If I have been a different parent than mine were to me. She is her own person. She's not perfect but then none of us are. I am very proud of her qualities as an adult and I guess that's because of me.......I think.
But society around her is also what makes Lauren , Lauren. Its the great "nature" versus "nurture" debate I suppose.

Sarah

[pulisa]

You sound very angry with your Mum, Lior and I'm sure you've every reason to. Does your Mum have a diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder or is this your therapist's take on things? Maybe your Mum couldn't help her behaviour and needed help herself?

It's very sad that you are estranged from her. Maybe one day you will be able to be reunited on better terms once you have a better understanding of what she has been through and what she put you through? I do hope that there will be a chance for you to forgive her?

[pulisa]

Raindrops, you have obviously suffered greatly at the hands of your parents and I'm sorry that my words caused you such pain. No I was fortunate in that my parents weren't narcissists but all I was wondering was whether Lior's Mum had actually been formally diagnosed or whether it was Lior's therapist who had suggested the narcissism as a coping mechanism.

No Contact with a parent/parents is your right if this is the way forward for you and makes you feel free and happy. There may be a possibility that you will feel differently later in life, that's all I was suggesting, but that would be totally your decision of course.

---------- Post added at 09:38 ---------- Previous post was at 09:10 ----------

Just wanted to add that I'm just responding as a mum and not a mum with narcissism. So my reaction to your post, Lior, would not be very helpful or insightful. I do hope you can find some peace within yourself though as this situation must be very distressing.

[pulisa]

You're right to feel so passionately about your upbringing though. It must have been hell and you've done so well to rise above it and take control.