lior
03-08-15, 17:49
The thought occurred to me today that maybe my mum had me so she could heal herself. I think she has used me in a way to heal herself.
It's a bit strange for me to think that I was created for a purpose - like a product. I suddenly feel like I'm an android in a film, or a clone. Instead of being cloned to grow flesh to save someone, I'm created to save someone emotionally, through their attempt to create a good childhood for a little girl - unlike the one they had.
My mum was abused as a child in all sorts of ways.
She maintains that she is a brilliant mother and has not acknowledged the damage she has done to me and my brother. (At least not to my knowledge. I stopped speaking to her just over a year ago.) Recently I have confirmed with my therapist that she suffers from narcissism as a coping mechanism.
The main form of abuse she gave to me was enmeshment. This is where the child is not allowed to say no. The child is not allowed to have boundaries. The child is seen as an extension of the parent's self - their time belongs to the parent. The parent would see no problem in sharing information that belongs to the child (so the parent would tell your secrets). When the parent is upset, the child too feels the parent's emotions. She would come to me for consolation about arguments with dad, or to talk about her bad childhood, since I was 12 or so. I grew up with a controlling, manipulative mother. I am only just processing that my being conditioned to not say 'no' was abusive.
At the same time - she did her utmost best. I guess she was too damaged to be the brilliant mother she wanted to be. She was great in a lot of ways. But really bad in others.
I wonder if any of my upbringing healed my mum. I wonder if she is taking damage to her healing because I am not speaking to her. She probably is. I've felt so guilty over that, but now I am learning to put my needs first - and to recognise that I have needs in the first place.
Does anyone else feel like they were born to heal their parents?
As a product, I think I probably failed.
Still, I am not a product and my mother does not own me, despite me having felt that for much of my life.
It's a bit strange for me to think that I was created for a purpose - like a product. I suddenly feel like I'm an android in a film, or a clone. Instead of being cloned to grow flesh to save someone, I'm created to save someone emotionally, through their attempt to create a good childhood for a little girl - unlike the one they had.
My mum was abused as a child in all sorts of ways.
She maintains that she is a brilliant mother and has not acknowledged the damage she has done to me and my brother. (At least not to my knowledge. I stopped speaking to her just over a year ago.) Recently I have confirmed with my therapist that she suffers from narcissism as a coping mechanism.
The main form of abuse she gave to me was enmeshment. This is where the child is not allowed to say no. The child is not allowed to have boundaries. The child is seen as an extension of the parent's self - their time belongs to the parent. The parent would see no problem in sharing information that belongs to the child (so the parent would tell your secrets). When the parent is upset, the child too feels the parent's emotions. She would come to me for consolation about arguments with dad, or to talk about her bad childhood, since I was 12 or so. I grew up with a controlling, manipulative mother. I am only just processing that my being conditioned to not say 'no' was abusive.
At the same time - she did her utmost best. I guess she was too damaged to be the brilliant mother she wanted to be. She was great in a lot of ways. But really bad in others.
I wonder if any of my upbringing healed my mum. I wonder if she is taking damage to her healing because I am not speaking to her. She probably is. I've felt so guilty over that, but now I am learning to put my needs first - and to recognise that I have needs in the first place.
Does anyone else feel like they were born to heal their parents?
As a product, I think I probably failed.
Still, I am not a product and my mother does not own me, despite me having felt that for much of my life.