Floods
04-08-15, 18:45
Hey there,
I'd like to share my story and look for a little help and advice.
Around a month ago I smoked what I thought was cannabis for the third, maybe fourth time in my life - big mistake. Turned out whatever it was was not cannabis at all, and spent all evening violently hallucinating, trapped in my own head and thought loops. Mainly I felt trapped in my own unreality - I was convinced that I was the only thing that existed objectively and this terrified me - nothing else - memories, experiences, etc felt real - a horrendous "bad trip" as it were. Eventually I came back round but the next day I felt really off, and have been suffering since.
Doctors (GPs, and, unfortunately, A&E, all assure me this is anxiety, perhaps pushed forward through the drug experience and the panic attack I think I had alongside it. I constantly question this, though, and during particularly bad spells, I can convince myself I've done some permanent damage to my brain or that my perception/mindset is irreversible. Anyway, here are my biggest thoughts and feelings, although often they merge into each other:
1. Inability to perceive the world around me / distorted perception - unable to grasp that anything 'exists' - what is existing? How can anything 'just' exist? How can anything exist? Major panic and questioning everything in the world around me, truly felt unreal, truly felt like 'peeked behind the curtain'; how can "time" work? How can things exist? How can we DO anything?
2. Not feeling 'real' - similar to above; seeing things and perceiving things fine, and knowing in my head things are 'real' (because for 20 years I have known this) but things do not seem real to me - they feel like a video game or a TV show - I feel I'm in some sort of "virtual reality simulation" (but know I am not). Often feels like a flat, 2D world - this worries me greatly. It is incredibly uncomfortable and hard to interact with. Everything feels surreal and this perspective feels both completely new and scary and completely legitimate and makes logical sense. How can consciousness and individual consciousnesses be explained? It all feels fake - a virtual reality machine. Everything feels incomprehensible. The concept of reality itself feels incomprehensible. Yet I know in my heart things must be real, I just sometimes cannot realise or recognise it. Thoughts about things "existing" out of nothing and life ending terrify me, nothing feels real at all. but underneath it all I know it is real.
3. Meaninglessness or pointlessness - no point in the world, no point in anything; seeing the world as "black and white"; why pursue anything in life if we're all going to die and cease to exist? Love, happiness, etc just chemical reactions - why is living/existing better than not? Simply pleasure? Isn't pleasure just chemicals? This seems worse when I don't feel like "me" or things don't feel real - I don't feel worthwhile I just feel like atoms and particles and I don't understand why we do anything - just animal instincts? I feel going on with my "own" desires - love, happiness, etc - is pointless as it's just primal wiring - what's the point? Only seems to pop up during the absolute worst periods but it is terrifying to think this.
4. Existential obsessions - what is time? How does my body work? How does consciousness work? Seem to be hyper aware of everything - space, time, ageing, death, etc and it scares me - panicking about existence
5. Permanence - these feelings often stay for a long time and even if I can push them to the back of my mind or try to get on with "normal" things I often still feel them there waiting to pounce. I have good moments where I can go hours feeling "me" again but it always comes back and it's tiring to try and ignore them or accept they're there. I can't convince myself this is 'just' anxiety; it feels like a permanent effect or when I'm feeling things often it feels like objective reality - it feels I'll be this way for good and this terrifies me. I haven't felt truly myself in a long time. I haven't felt comfortable in a long time.
I'm taking 20mg of citalopram and have been for 3 weeks (the first week was 10, then upped to 20 about 10-14 days ago). I don't know if it's making me better or worse. Sometimes I think it's doing good because I seem to have better days but then I come crashing back like today. Often all the symptoms aren't there - often I notice them but I don't feel scared by rhem, often I assure myself it's anxiety and feel comforted and feel I can push through them, often I feel hopeless and even suicidal. Right now I can't shake the "derealisation" and am struggling to even believe this can go away.
I was anxious and depressed to a minor degree before all this but life has been awful. Please, can anyone assure me this is anxiety or offer any hope? Starting CBT tomorrow but desperate for some more help. I wish I had more good days...
I'd like to share my story and look for a little help and advice.
Around a month ago I smoked what I thought was cannabis for the third, maybe fourth time in my life - big mistake. Turned out whatever it was was not cannabis at all, and spent all evening violently hallucinating, trapped in my own head and thought loops. Mainly I felt trapped in my own unreality - I was convinced that I was the only thing that existed objectively and this terrified me - nothing else - memories, experiences, etc felt real - a horrendous "bad trip" as it were. Eventually I came back round but the next day I felt really off, and have been suffering since.
Doctors (GPs, and, unfortunately, A&E, all assure me this is anxiety, perhaps pushed forward through the drug experience and the panic attack I think I had alongside it. I constantly question this, though, and during particularly bad spells, I can convince myself I've done some permanent damage to my brain or that my perception/mindset is irreversible. Anyway, here are my biggest thoughts and feelings, although often they merge into each other:
1. Inability to perceive the world around me / distorted perception - unable to grasp that anything 'exists' - what is existing? How can anything 'just' exist? How can anything exist? Major panic and questioning everything in the world around me, truly felt unreal, truly felt like 'peeked behind the curtain'; how can "time" work? How can things exist? How can we DO anything?
2. Not feeling 'real' - similar to above; seeing things and perceiving things fine, and knowing in my head things are 'real' (because for 20 years I have known this) but things do not seem real to me - they feel like a video game or a TV show - I feel I'm in some sort of "virtual reality simulation" (but know I am not). Often feels like a flat, 2D world - this worries me greatly. It is incredibly uncomfortable and hard to interact with. Everything feels surreal and this perspective feels both completely new and scary and completely legitimate and makes logical sense. How can consciousness and individual consciousnesses be explained? It all feels fake - a virtual reality machine. Everything feels incomprehensible. The concept of reality itself feels incomprehensible. Yet I know in my heart things must be real, I just sometimes cannot realise or recognise it. Thoughts about things "existing" out of nothing and life ending terrify me, nothing feels real at all. but underneath it all I know it is real.
3. Meaninglessness or pointlessness - no point in the world, no point in anything; seeing the world as "black and white"; why pursue anything in life if we're all going to die and cease to exist? Love, happiness, etc just chemical reactions - why is living/existing better than not? Simply pleasure? Isn't pleasure just chemicals? This seems worse when I don't feel like "me" or things don't feel real - I don't feel worthwhile I just feel like atoms and particles and I don't understand why we do anything - just animal instincts? I feel going on with my "own" desires - love, happiness, etc - is pointless as it's just primal wiring - what's the point? Only seems to pop up during the absolute worst periods but it is terrifying to think this.
4. Existential obsessions - what is time? How does my body work? How does consciousness work? Seem to be hyper aware of everything - space, time, ageing, death, etc and it scares me - panicking about existence
5. Permanence - these feelings often stay for a long time and even if I can push them to the back of my mind or try to get on with "normal" things I often still feel them there waiting to pounce. I have good moments where I can go hours feeling "me" again but it always comes back and it's tiring to try and ignore them or accept they're there. I can't convince myself this is 'just' anxiety; it feels like a permanent effect or when I'm feeling things often it feels like objective reality - it feels I'll be this way for good and this terrifies me. I haven't felt truly myself in a long time. I haven't felt comfortable in a long time.
I'm taking 20mg of citalopram and have been for 3 weeks (the first week was 10, then upped to 20 about 10-14 days ago). I don't know if it's making me better or worse. Sometimes I think it's doing good because I seem to have better days but then I come crashing back like today. Often all the symptoms aren't there - often I notice them but I don't feel scared by rhem, often I assure myself it's anxiety and feel comforted and feel I can push through them, often I feel hopeless and even suicidal. Right now I can't shake the "derealisation" and am struggling to even believe this can go away.
I was anxious and depressed to a minor degree before all this but life has been awful. Please, can anyone assure me this is anxiety or offer any hope? Starting CBT tomorrow but desperate for some more help. I wish I had more good days...