Please help! Symptoms of anxiety or something worse? Unreality!

[Floods]

Hey there,

I'd like to share my story and look for a little help and advice.


Around a month ago I smoked what I thought was cannabis for the third, maybe fourth time in my life - big mistake. Turned out whatever it was was not cannabis at all, and spent all evening violently hallucinating, trapped in my own head and thought loops. Mainly I felt trapped in my own unreality - I was convinced that I was the only thing that existed objectively and this terrified me - nothing else - memories, experiences, etc felt real - a horrendous "bad trip" as it were. Eventually I came back round but the next day I felt really off, and have been suffering since.

Doctors (GPs, and, unfortunately, A&E, all assure me this is anxiety, perhaps pushed forward through the drug experience and the panic attack I think I had alongside it. I constantly question this, though, and during particularly bad spells, I can convince myself I've done some permanent damage to my brain or that my perception/mindset is irreversible. Anyway, here are my biggest thoughts and feelings, although often they merge into each other:

1. Inability to perceive the world around me / distorted perception - unable to grasp that anything 'exists' - what is existing? How can anything 'just' exist? How can anything exist? Major panic and questioning everything in the world around me, truly felt unreal, truly felt like 'peeked behind the curtain'; how can "time" work? How can things exist? How can we DO anything?

2. Not feeling 'real' - similar to above; seeing things and perceiving things fine, and knowing in my head things are 'real' (because for 20 years I have known this) but things do not seem real to me - they feel like a video game or a TV show - I feel I'm in some sort of "virtual reality simulation" (but know I am not). Often feels like a flat, 2D world - this worries me greatly. It is incredibly uncomfortable and hard to interact with. Everything feels surreal and this perspective feels both completely new and scary and completely legitimate and makes logical sense. How can consciousness and individual consciousnesses be explained? It all feels fake - a virtual reality machine. Everything feels incomprehensible. The concept of reality itself feels incomprehensible. Yet I know in my heart things must be real, I just sometimes cannot realise or recognise it. Thoughts about things "existing" out of nothing and life ending terrify me, nothing feels real at all. but underneath it all I know it is real.

3. Meaninglessness or pointlessness - no point in the world, no point in anything; seeing the world as "black and white"; why pursue anything in life if we're all going to die and cease to exist? Love, happiness, etc just chemical reactions - why is living/existing better than not? Simply pleasure? Isn't pleasure just chemicals? This seems worse when I don't feel like "me" or things don't feel real - I don't feel worthwhile I just feel like atoms and particles and I don't understand why we do anything - just animal instincts? I feel going on with my "own" desires - love, happiness, etc - is pointless as it's just primal wiring - what's the point? Only seems to pop up during the absolute worst periods but it is terrifying to think this.

4. Existential obsessions - what is time? How does my body work? How does consciousness work? Seem to be hyper aware of everything - space, time, ageing, death, etc and it scares me - panicking about existence

5. Permanence - these feelings often stay for a long time and even if I can push them to the back of my mind or try to get on with "normal" things I often still feel them there waiting to pounce. I have good moments where I can go hours feeling "me" again but it always comes back and it's tiring to try and ignore them or accept they're there. I can't convince myself this is 'just' anxiety; it feels like a permanent effect or when I'm feeling things often it feels like objective reality - it feels I'll be this way for good and this terrifies me. I haven't felt truly myself in a long time. I haven't felt comfortable in a long time.



I'm taking 20mg of citalopram and have been for 3 weeks (the first week was 10, then upped to 20 about 10-14 days ago). I don't know if it's making me better or worse. Sometimes I think it's doing good because I seem to have better days but then I come crashing back like today. Often all the symptoms aren't there - often I notice them but I don't feel scared by rhem, often I assure myself it's anxiety and feel comforted and feel I can push through them, often I feel hopeless and even suicidal. Right now I can't shake the "derealisation" and am struggling to even believe this can go away.

I was anxious and depressed to a minor degree before all this but life has been awful. Please, can anyone assure me this is anxiety or offer any hope? Starting CBT tomorrow but desperate for some more help. I wish I had more good days...

[Boydo]

this happened to me when i quit cannibis it is a horrible place to be and know excatly what your going though ! i was sedated with diazepam codiene mirtazapine just because my anxiety was in such over load ! i cant seem to get back to reality either and i spent months really anxious and depressed it will pass and it is a long road your mind is your worst enemy sadly as you cant just stop thinking i know this all to well! if you need ask any questions etc feel free to pm me

[ryh]

hi. I suffered terribly of anxiety in my 20s then recovered after finding exercise helped to get off the sorest I was on. Now 12 years later I am getting these panics, worries, bad anxiety ocd etc. I quit smoking cigs about 3 months ago and in january stopped smoking cannabis which I only ever had the odd puff or twi but over a long period.now that I have read your story and the reply suggesting that perhaps coming off the cannabis may be contributing to mu anxiety. I am on 10mg citaripram and have been on them for 2 weeks now waiting for them to start working, they too make me feel sick,shaky and unwell. lets hope the tablets start working soon. hope you feel better too. x

[bekw89]

Yep, it's anxiety. My first bad bout of anxiety was cannibis related, it through me down the rabbit hole but I recovered. One tip i've found useful this time around is don't follow those thoughts, don't try and work them out or come to terms with them. Get them and say 'anxiety' and distract yourself with a game on your phone or anything like that.

[Floods]

So what do you guys suggest I do?

My therapist said this is "very unusual" and "definitely the drug affected your consciousness in some way" which has me absolutely terrified - the only thing pushing me through this was holding onto the fact this is anxiety and treatable

I'm panicking so much right now, will I ever return to normal? Will I have to drop out of uni? I can't go on like this, life feels so unreal, I can barely sleep and I think I've ruined my whole life from smoking one stupid "spliff" :(

[Fishmanpa]

As an old hippie, I can relate to having a bad trip. Been there done that so to speak. It's been decades since then and I never had any lingering effects.

I'm sure it's disconcerting suffering from all those symptoms but one thing stands out in your post that should give you much hope in recovery. Your writing and explanation of your symptoms are very succinct and lucid. There's a lot of rational and logical thoughts going on contrary to what your anxiety is telling you.

Truly, I think once you start CBT and the meds stabilize, the feelings will wane and you'll return to some normalcy again.

Positive thoughts

[Floods]

Thanks Fishmanpa, that's really made me hopeful.

Thanks guys.

[bekw89]

So what do you guys suggest I do?

My therapist said this is "very unusual" and "definitely the drug affected your consciousness in some way" which has me absolutely terrified - the only thing pushing me through this was holding onto the fact this is anxiety and treatable

I'm panicking so much right now, will I ever return to normal? Will I have to drop out of uni? I can't go on like this, life feels so unreal, I can barely sleep and I think I've ruined my whole life from smoking one stupid "spliff" :(



You haven't ruined your whole life. The reason your therapist said that is it seems unfortunately the mental health proffesion is not widely clued up on anxiety induced depersonalisation and derealisation. Take it from me i've had it bad and it has passed. The first thing to do is to stop stressing about it, distract yourself and don't check in on how you feel. Believe 100% this is anxiety, don't research it anymore. Just try and engage with ur friends and family and ignore the weirdness of the thoughts. Once u tell ur mind it's ok to feel this way it will slowly let down its guard and drop the defence mechanism. But you have to trust that it will.

[Floods]

Thanks for the help guys, I thought I was able to push through this (had one mildly good afternoon where I could tell myself everything was just anxiety) but things have changed a little bit

Rather than huge derealisation, I have become obsessed with death? Not so much dying now or health anxiety but just the concept - nothingness, and having only a finite amount of existence to experience (despite the concept of eternity seemingly being worse)

I try to reassure myself that it's impossible to exist in a state of nothingness and there's nothing to fear, that I can find meaning in my life now even if I eventually am to die, and that I have my whole life ahead of me, but even if this beings some relief, it seems I can't shake the fear? This is definitely not something I feared previously - I would always feel comfortable accepting death as annihilation of consciousness and be comfortable with that - something which now seems terrifying.

This also links in with my terror about meaningless, as described in the OP.

So is this just anxiety too? Will this get easier as the medication works? I'm currently 1 day away from the 4 week mark on citalopram, about 2 weeks on 10 mg and 2 weeks on 20mg. These death obsessions are so intense and out of nowhere - I'm frustrated that the citalopram doesn't seem to be helping much - surely even if it takes 4-6 weeks for therapeutic effect I should be feeling SOMETHING by now? And not new, scary obsessions ?

Is this still anxiety? Will it get easier ? Thanks again in advance for any replies!

[sial72]

Yes, it is still anxiety and yes, it will get easier but only when you stop doubting that it is anxiety and lose the fear, the it will start to get better.
I have been through the same as you.
You WILL get better xxx

[Floods]

Argh, I really hope so. I can't distract myself from this, and I'm having those thoughts that everything is meaningless (we're all just chemicals, evolutionary processes, doing meaningless things until we die and nothing matters) and I can't just distract myself and say "this is anxiety" because they're so logical to me

I pray this goes soon. I'm really at the end of my tether, I can't live my life like this

[Floods]

Nope, still obsessed. Had maybe two hours sleep, kept waking up to this sudden new fear. It's like I've suddenly "realised" that I'm going to die one day, it makes no difference whether it's tomorrow or when I'm 100. The thought of not existing terrifies me. Any rational thought dismissing this fear seems to fall flat. Each waking moment is terrifying - the thought that this is finite - I only have X number of times of waking up - I only have X number of times of eating breakfast, etc etc

All out of the blue, and completely debilitating. The only way to not feel this terror is distraction, but I know that's futile too. I can't believe this has came from nowhere. I kept telling myself I would get better. Now I've been in years for days. Please, someone tell me that this can be beaten, that anxiety is causing this, that it's latched on to this for some reason. I can't life my life feeling like this. Please someone show me a way out. Four weeks today for citalopram and I'm feeling the worst I can remember.

[stephaniejane66]

Thanks for the help guys, I thought I was able to push through this (had one mildly good afternoon where I could tell myself everything was just anxiety) but things have changed a little bit

Rather than huge derealisation, I have become obsessed with death? Not so much dying now or health anxiety but just the concept - nothingness, and having only a finite amount of existence to experience (despite the concept of eternity seemingly being worse)

I try to reassure myself that it's impossible to exist in a state of nothingness and there's nothing to fear, that I can find meaning in my life now even if I eventually am to die, and that I have my whole life ahead of me, but even if this beings some relief, it seems I can't shake the fear? This is definitely not something I feared previously - I would always feel comfortable accepting death as annihilation of consciousness and be comfortable with that - something which now seems terrifying.

This also links in with my terror about meaningless, as described in the OP.

So is this just anxiety too? Will this get easier as the medication works? I'm currently 1 day away from the 4 week mark on citalopram, about 2 weeks on 10 mg and 2 weeks on 20mg. These death obsessions are so intense and out of nowhere - I'm frustrated that the citalopram doesn't seem to be helping much - surely even if it takes 4-6 weeks for therapeutic effect I should be feeling SOMETHING by now? And not new, scary obsessions ?

Is this still anxiety? Will it get easier ? Thanks again in advance for any replies!

This sounds very similar to what my son is going through. Yesterday he had an ecg and has convinced himself he has long qt syndrome and is going to die in his sleep. As a mother what reassurances can I give him that this isn't the case and that he needs to finish the tests his GP has advised to rule out anything sinister and that he has nothing more than a slight arythmia which can be controlled?

---------- Post added at 11:57 ---------- Previous post was at 11:50 ----------


This sounds very similar to what my son is going through. Yesterday he had an ecg and has convinced himself he has long qt syndrome and is going to die in his sleep. As a mother what reassurances can I give him that this isn't the case and that he needs to finish the tests his GP has advised to rule out anything sinister and that he has nothing more than a slight arythmia which can be controlled?

It is very difficult for anyone on the outside without this fear to understand it and give advice. I am a great believer in a life after death. A comfort to me of what it is to come. That I will be reunited with the people I have loved and lost. It doesn't take away a fear of dying though. At 50 it starts to feel all the more inevitable and I look back and think "what have you achieved". As sure as we are all born, we are going to die. But before that happens there is a life to lead. Memories to be made. Adventure. Love. All manner of things. Take control of your fear and don't let it beat you x

[Emelia]

If it makes you feel any better I have had those exact symptoms before with no cannabis at all. It was in high school when life was pretty depressive for me. It got better and now everything returned and I am 24 now. This time with other symptoms such as shortness of breath and chest pain. Sure enough, it is anxiety. :) Take care.

[wubu]

Sounds like what I went through without the drugs!

I first happened years ago when I was about 22/23 I went out one night for a few beers, had a good night. Woke up the next morning and thought "this hangover feels odd" and was convinced someone had spiked my drink.

I felt like I was stuck in a dream where everything felt surreal. This went on for several weeks and one day just went. Then several years back I had a breakdown and it happened again and lasted about 2 months, all the things you say I can relate to!

The meds your on will also make you feel a bit odd at first too but how you feel will 100% pass. It sounds very much like you have derealisation/depersonalisation which is part and parcel of anxiet and panic.

Read this forum. http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=106

One thing that I found helped me personaly was keeping active and getting my mind on other things, this is not futile and will work as long as you allow it to. I even started running 2x a day to settle the 24/7 adrenalin.