Stuck in a Rut - Help Needed

[wcb123]

I would really appreciate a professional opinion or someone with the same experience.

Does anyone else constantly worry about loved ones dying as well as yourself dying? I feel like a 90 year old reflecting on his life as if it's over (im 31).

My dad died at our home from Cancer over two years ago. 4 Months after diagnosis and I witnessed his last breath.

Since then i am obsessively thinking about my own last breath. I think about it so vivdly that it sends me into a full blown panic attack that i am about to die. I have ptsd style recollections of my dads last moment.

If i hear my mum (in the other room) coughing i panic that she's about to drop dead. I have an old dog and constantly think she is going to collapse dead.

My ears are so sensitive to noises. If i hear a plane outside i get anxious that its crashing into the house. If my dog barks i think there might be an intruder. I have to double check the Kitchen after cooking incase of a fire.

Two and a half years on and this is a daily occurence so i drink alcohol most nights to chill my mind out. I am also becoming less sociable and don't leave the house as often.

I never got my lucky break so still no career, but even if i did I haven't been able to work because it's so debilitating/fatiguing which makes me financially dependent on my mother. Which brings on more worry as well as a complete loss of self confidence.

I don't especially want to go back on anti depressants. I tried Citalopram and all it did was make me a zombie and all my creativity went. It did work for bereavement when i took it for a couple of months after dad died.


Do any of you relate? Im not sure if this is prolonged bereavement GAD PTSD OCD Depression or a mixture of everything. All i know is - everyone else (including my brother) have managed to lead a normal life after a couple months grieving but i haven't moved on. FWIW i still sleep in the room next door to where my dad died at home.

Not sure what to do. Had cbt in the past which was quite good. Booked for more cbt in 6 months time.

Anyone similar situ ?

[sial72]

Hi wcb123
Yes, I can totally relate. My Dad died in front of me of a heart attack when I was 10. For years after that, every time I heard an ambulance I needed to know where my Mum and brother were. I would also lie in bed and think about death and cry out if fear. I never grieved properly. I went on to develop an anxiery disorder and agoraphobia. For years I was much much better. Then my daughter was born and we found out she had congenital heart disease, soooo all the fears came back. As I started to get better I now have a health problem myself and my mother isn't getting any younger (76) so I have been thinking about it a lot.
Now, because of my health problems I have had to face a lot of my fears. One of them is a control issue. Ever since my Dad died I have wanted to unconsciously control everything so that no more bad things could happen, but life is teaching me that we can't control everything and that things happen. I am learning to just accept what comes my way and handle it the best I can.
When I panic I phone my friend (who is a therapist) and I say to her that I am terrified I am going to die and she says Yes, you are! Lol. She says maybe not now but one day and the sooner you accept that the sooner you will enjoy the time you have.
It really is a shame for us to waste our time being afraid and unhappy...xxx

[flisco]

I really sympathise- my anxiety is out of control too. My fears stem from a fear of death, so I worry about being in accidents, getting lost and dying and similar things. Have you thought about going back to your gp? A good one (i know hard to find) might be helpful in these situations.

I totally relate to your feelings of fatigue caused by the anxiety, I feel the same way- I manage to work but don't have energy for anything else but the bare minimum.

I feel for you, try to be brave. I know it feels endless but it has to pass- or at least thats what I'm telling myself. Have you been taking any recent medical advice?