View Full Version : BIG Downer
Caz Fab Pants
12-09-04, 12:06
Surprise, surprise, here I am again feeling all doom and gloom. Why is this problem so hard to overcome?
Here's a brief run down of the lead up to todays emotions: -
My mother-in-law has wanted to have my son overnight since the day he was born and so I decided to part with him last night and let him go. I tend to be quite clingy with my children when they're young and so although I didn't like handing him over once he'd gone I felt ok.
Its been planned for a while so you'd of thought I'd of made plans for the evening but I just didn't really get round to it. Anyway Ed and I decided not to waste the evening at home and went out for a drink in town.
Now I haven't been feeling too good lately because my IBS is playing up and making me feel really tired and nauseas. I've not been making any progress although I've been maintaining what I have been doing like visiting my mum, doing school run on foot, big food shops etc.
When we got to the 2nd pub which was quite quiet we started talking about past and future, ambitions, goals and life in general. Well, within 10minutes of this conversation starting I was on a complete downer and that was about 9 oclock last night. I carried on sipping my diet coke while Ed continued to get merry and we moved onto the next pub but I couldn't snap out of it.
The way I see it is I have no ambition and yet I desperately feel as though I haven't even begun to reach my full potential in life. I have no direction and basically plod through each day doing meaningless tasks like washing and ironing. I dont know what I want out of life but I do know that I'm not happy with the way things are going. 'SO WHY NOT CHANGE IT' I hear you all say!
I simply have no idea where to start. I see it as such a huge issue to tackle that when I think about it I give up before I've even started. It doesn't help that I'm also terribly impatient and want everything to be instant. Its all well and good taking dolly steps but I find myself losing my focus and enthusiasm.
I feel as though I'm at the bottom of a very slippery slide and no matter how much I try to climb it I just end up falling down to the bottom again. I have no will power or motivation and seem to have one empty, nothing day after another.
I'm sorry to come on and moan yet again, I just find it impossible to talk to anybody about how I feel these days. Even if I'm having a good day I cant bring myself to phone someone for a chat.
Well my son should be dropped home soon so I'm going to go out because I dont think I can fake being happy when my mother-in-law walks in. I know she'll ask what we did and I feel silly admitting that we didn't go far and were back home by 10.30.
Catch you all later
Caroline
x
Hi Caz, I can totally relate with the children suituation, i was exactly the same with my Lennon and still am to this day. From the day he was born he was MINE LOL, i never let anybody have him he never went for walks with anyone even when he was real young, my inlaws used to ask to have him but i just couldn't part with him, i know they used to get real angry with it al but TUFF hes MINE lol. As for "you don't know where your going" we've all been there babe. Iwent to college last year coz "i didn't know where i was going" and done an access course to be a nurse. I completed the course successfully and got a place in uni to do a three year degree in adult nursing. Well after having a long think i decided that it was going to be to much for me and decided to be "just a mum" doing all the "boring "things lol . If i did do go ouy to work full time of go to uni i just se it as i would have someone else doing the things that i should be doing with my child. But it did take a college course for to realise this coz before that i felt like you, but that isn't to say that a change isn't right for you caz, i just wanted to share my experience. Tara xxxx
Hi Caz,
Well done for maintaining your recent progress. Its often the way that we stand and rest on a plateau untill ready to reach for the next step .
The way I see it is I have no ambition and yet I desperately feel as though I haven't even begun to reach my full potential in life.
Ambitions are built on a dream becoming a reality and striving for it . The majority of people don't have ambitions but do have a few things / places they'd like to see or achieve but often they are not important enough to really strive for.
Most of us muddle or cruise through life taking or resfusing opportunities as they present themselves. I'v enever really had an ambition but have been good at grasping opportunities quickly.
Any direction has to be based on something you like and enjoy or have a talent for so I guess the place to start would be listing what things in your life you have enjoyed and interested you -anything from solitude to being with people , arty ,nature , logic tasks, patient, routine, spontanous and so forth and you will build up a picture of what might work for you.
It is not suprising that this seems so alien to you as you have spent so long caring for your family and the daily issues that brings in itself is challenging.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Cazz,
Sorry to hear that you have been feeling a little down lately!! I know exactly what you mean when you say that you have no idea where you're heading in life. I have felt exactly the same sometimes. Why not try to tackle the problem in really small steps? for example, make a list of really small things that you could do that you think would make you happier. These could be things that you have always wanted to do or things that just come to mind. Try doing a different one each day
Do u think that could help?
Sarah :D
Hi Caroline
sorry your night off didnt go as well had you would have liked. You have done so well recently and achieved things that you havent done in over a year so you need to hold on to that.
We all reach a point where we feel we have nothing to look forward to and our lifes are passing by when we should be taking opportunities.
You are not only restricted at the moment because of your anxiety but you still have two young children who need you constant attention, which in itself can be draining.
I am sure you will overcome how you are feeling. Do you fancy trying a night class in something you would enjoy. At least it will get you out and have some me time, which you need. Never know a small step like that may open many more doors for you.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Caroline,
A few things to say. Firstly, we all know that down feeling where it seems you're not fulfilling your potential, we've all been there hun, and I really wanted to reassure you! As a man, I have to say you feel you lack ambition...but I reckon that as a woman you've already achieved so much!!!Men can't have babies, and women can!!It's not only normal that you are so protective of your baby!It's great!!! Your baby is a precious gift that only women can really appreciate. The mans role is kind of fleeting!! As a mother, you've achieved the greatest thing!!!Giving life!!!
You may feel that you just 'iron' or whatever, but we all know the role of the mother is much more vital than that!!!So don't feel you've got no ambition or prospects!To that kid you are the centre of the universe-the life-giver!!!
As you say, getting a job or studying will just mean somneone else is raising your child for you. This in a way is true, and I'm sure you don't want that at heart!Especially if it's so hard to say goodbye for one night!!
That doesn't mean you can't achieve something great from home!Like an Open University course or even something completely different not at home!Like trying to get a job in a kindergarten where your little one will be!
Whatever you decide, never forget that the in truth, the family can't be without the mother!!!Raising a child is the greatest of achievements...
Godd luck
ed
Caroline,
PS. Housewives should be paid for the great job they do!!!
ed:D
Hi Caroline,
I can really relate to what your saying. I am at a crossroad and haven’t a bog which way to turn. My job is going soon and the thoughts of looking for a new one bares down on me. The problem is that I have no interest in what I’m doing (btw pushing numbers around all day) and I have a real problem with acting, which is what I’m going to have to do, you know come across all enthusiastic and interested (along with trying to keep the anxiety at bay). If I even had half an interest the interviewing would be a piece of cake, but I really hate acting.
I keep trying to change things and all the time I run into a brick wall, yesterday been no exception. So I’m licking my wounds today wondering how I’m going to take it from here. Every time I get a break I try to run, the wind just picks up and knocks me over. So I asked myself last night, was I running towards something or running away from something. I’ve no idea where I’m running too, so I decided that I must be running from. I’ve made the decision that its best to stay foot, look at what I do on a daily basis and try to be happy with it. There are a lot of things that we do in life that are mundane, but its not what we do that counts but how we do them. Do we do them with a light or heavy heart. I’ve done mine with a heavy heart because I always wanted more and felt dissatisfied with what I have, well now I’m thinking of lowering the bar, paying more attention to what I’m doing and why, instead of trying to move on to point B before I’ve taken in the sights at point A.
Not sure if that made any sense.
Take care
Peter
Hi Caroline
I have been home with my children for 15 years, i to thought that there was no better person to look after them than me. My life has been rapped around them all these years. Untill recently i started having panic attacks, not knowing where to turn i endid up on this site. now i know i have to change.Although i thought i was doing ok i did'nt realize what i was doing not only to myself but to my children. My children think that mums don,t have to work. i thought like you I DO NOTHING, but reading eds post i totaly agree with him :D THANKS ED I have now got myself a part time job and I'm going on a course to learn sign language and I'v joind a gym.
What did you do before you had your children?
What do you like doing have you got any hobbies?
TAKE CARE Look foward to reading your post
Jill :D
Hi Caroline
Sorry didnt text you but felt you might need some space.
Hope you are doing ok and remember that we are all here to support you.
You need to give yourself a lot more credit than you do, and give yourself a chance to see how well you do cope with two small children.
Love Sal xxxxx
Merlinssister
13-09-04, 09:01
Sorry to hear your down at the moment. Hope you're feeling a bit better today.
What about a distance learning course, where you could work at your own pace? You could try something general or job specific so you could pick up skills for later.
You ARE doing the most important job in the world taking care of your little one, and just because you haven't got a burning ambition to do anything doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Be kinder to yourself.
MS
Caz Fab Pants
13-09-04, 14:59
WOW, I am stunned by the response I've had and want to thank you ALL for your kind words. I have smile on my face and really feel as though you have all listened carefully to what I had to say. Its good to know that I count when so much of the time I feel like I'm nobody.
Meg - Going to make a list of things I used to enjoy and try to focus on getting those back under my belt. No point trying to invent ambitions that aren't there. Perhaps in time they will develope or maybe I'll find myself spontaneously following a new path one day.
Sarah - I did exactly as you suggested this morning and took some small steps. In recent weeks I've pushed myself to drive to the next town with the support of my partner and 2 sons. This morning after I dropped my eldest at school I drove there on my own! I didn't actually get out the car and go anywhere but I got there. Then at lunch time I did a different journey I've been avoiding which is to our local Mcdonalds and treated myself and the boys. It may not be much but its made me feel loads better.
Tara - Its funny how we often moan about being tied to the kids and then we dont want to part with them! LOL
Ed - I've not read anything from you before so dont know any of your background but you sound like a very thoughtful, considerate and observant chap. If you dont already have a good woman I'm sure with an attitude and outlook like that you wont have any trouble finding one!!
Peter - What you said made a lot of sense to me and I think I should take your advice and 'lower the bar' on my expectations. Sometimes I even find myself reading articles about celebrities and say to myself 'look, they're the same age as me and look what they've achieved!!' I'm not saying I want to be famous but I want to be able to say I've done something worthwhile with my life.
Perhaps its too much to expect to be able to run the london marathon but as things stand I'd feel chuffed to bits just to successfully organise a charity jumble sale. (Hmmm, next project maybe??)
Jill - Before I had kids I went to college and studied Art and Design for 2yrs and went to uni' to study Jewellery and Silversmithing. I left uni' in the first yr due to panic attacks and then studied typing and computers locally. After a few yrs temping I worked up to being a PA for the MD of a local company so I haven't always been a dull housewife.
I think its great that you have a part time job and would love one myself but I need my eldest to go to school full time before I can consider it.
Sal - Dont worry about me, I'll be fine. I may well take up an evening course I just hope I can stick it out during the winter months when everyone else is sat all toasty infront of the tv. I could do a ceramics class and make everybody personalised mugs or ashtrays for Christmas, lol!!
Phew, what a post. Time for a chocolate break I think.
Caroline :)
x
PS Hope I haven't forgotten anyone.
hi again Cazz,
I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a little better and that our advice and support cheered you up a bit!! Well done for getting out and succeeding in making some small steps in the right direction! remember, the one big thing is always made up of many smaller ones.
By the way, YES, Ed has found a nice woman - ME!! LOL
Sarah :D
Caz Fab Pants
13-09-04, 17:57
Sarah,
Oh I had no idea, lol. Have you and Ed been together long and did you meet on the forum?
He seems like a real sweetie and gave me a boost with the things he said about motherhood.
I have an Ed too :D
Caroline
x
Hi Caz hon,
Hope you enjoyed your chocolate break LOL
Hope you are feeling better! It's amazing isn't it reading all the other posts that you really do realise you are not alone!
I can totally relate to you on the IBS front as I suffer terribly as well. I get very bloated, tired nausious etc etc. It also makes me feel very low and anxious so I know exactly where you are coming from hon! Here is a link for information on IBS for you that might help http://www.ibsgroup.org/main/library.html
Anyway I know life can feel so mundane at times. I get days where I get so depressed and I just don't know why! On these days you could tell me I had won the lottery and I just wouldn't care! lol They do pass though and you start to look forward again.
Perhaps when you feel ready you could do a course from home or something as others have suggested! You have a full time job on your hands being a mum! So you are doing well!
Take good care
Love PIP'S XX
hi Cazz,
Ed and I have been together for almost 5 years now. We met during out first week at uni. I have been suffering from anxiety for a year now and he started suffering from anxiety a few months ago so I got him to join the forum He was skeptical at first but loves it now...
Sarah :D
Merlinssister
13-09-04, 19:46
Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today. And yay you on the car journeys!
I did pottery for a while and really enjoyed it. Very relaxing. Even managed to sell one of my plates this year. Okay, it was for 10p at a boot fair but still... ;)
Hi Caroline
You deserve all the replies you got babe.
And dont worry about those cosy nights because like you i will be at work a couple a nights a week until late, so we can focus on it together.
You are doing a brilliant job been a mother and cope really well, so asking for your time is never too much to ask for.
Hope today has been a good day for you hon.
Love Sal xxxxx
Caz Fab Pants
14-09-04, 19:01
Merlinsister - I've done ceramics before aswell and loved it. I also spent alot of time in the 'Paint it Yourself' shop just before Christmas last year and made some great presents from my son. I put his tiny foot print onto plates and mugs and decorated them for relatives. It was so theraputic but I've run out of things to make now, lol.
Sal - Not had a bad day thanks. Made myself do the same journey I did yesterday morning but pushed a bit further and went onto the ring road. I found it hard because I know that the only way for me to get home is to go right the way round and through about 10sets of traffic lights.
I did it twice and then went round to see a friend who is always inviting me round and I never go. Had good chat and feel chuffed with myself.
Tummy still playing up and was awful last night and today so I went and got a food intolerance testing kit from the chemist. It wont tell me exactly what I'm intolerant to but it will give me a clear yes or no answer so I know what to do next. Only down side is I have to wait about 10days for the result [Sigh...]
Realised last night that I did a silly thing yesterday. In all my excitement about getting to Mcdonalds I forgot all about my cutting out dairy and ate a Mcflurry!! What a div. So that could be why I had such bad belly last night [:I]
Had a look in my diary today and found a small insert on thursday which I'd forgotten all about. A while back we were all replying to a post about going to the dentist which is something I've been avoiding. I proudly posted up that I'd made an appointment for all the family and guess what... The appointment is 3.35pm on thursday [No]
Will let you know how it goes.
Caroline :)
x
Caz Fab Pants
14-09-04, 19:07
Pips - Thanks for the link honey, will have a look bit later when its a bit quieter and I can concerntrate. I'm being pestered to go to Tesco to buy Yugio cards at the moment.
What meds have you tried for your IBS? I've had all sorts from Peppermint oil cap's to Mebeverin and Buscapan tablets. I sometimes feel like not eating at all because I dont know how its going to make me feel. Have you found any triggers apart from anxiety?
Thanks again.
Caroline :)
x
Charlie swore by charcoal and ginger but maybe not together ..
Think you did brilliantly on the ring road and going to visit your friend ! Well done . More boundaries stretched .
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hiya Caz
Sorry I've just caught up with your post - hope your feeling a little more positive now. The reason I haven't been on the forum for a couple of days is that I've been reading a book that I couldn't put down called "The Da Vinci Code" and your post has reminded me of some of the stuff that was in it - many years ago the Pagan's used to worship godesses and believed that the femine was sacred and holy because the only the woman can bring forth new life. Without trying to deliberately slag of Christianity, it is only since its advent that the Western world has viewed men as being more important than women. So when you say you haven't achieved anything ... you have! You have done the most powerful thing that any human can do in carrying and giving birth to your children, plus nurturing and raising them. That is a tremendous respoinsibility and one which you do fantastically well :D
I do agree though that it may be good for you to give yourself some time away from your family so that you can have some time out from all your responsibilities - maybe a class or something would give you a new take on life? I'd love to try it myself but haven't as yet because I'm the most inflexible person ever, but yoga is supposed to be really good for helping control anxiety and can enable you to achieve a certain level of spiritual peacefulness (I don't mean that in a religious sense - more about feeling content with yourself).
You are doing really, really well Caz and I'm sure you'll feel some more improvements very soon.
Lots of love Jo xxx
Hi Caz,
Well done for doing the journey and seeing your friend you did so well hon!
I have tried the same meds as you for IBS but nothing really works that well! Loperimide is good for stopping the urgency to go and occasionally I take colpermin which contains peppermint oil! I also use an aromatherpy oil called fennel which is good for bloating etc and I massage that in my tummy! If it's a neat solution though you must mix it with a carrier oil e.g grapeseed or almond oil as it is to strong on your skin neat. I do find its quite soothing though.
I haven't really found any triggers apart from anxiety & some rich foods but then one day I might have the meal and be ok the next time I am really bad! I have had 2 food intolerance tests done in the past couple of years plus kept food diaries The first one I had done said I was intolerant to wheat yeast etc.. The second one said dairy so I tried eliminating these foods but was no different! So seemed to have reached a dead end at the mo!
My main problem is I get so very bloated I went to the Drs about it and he did a scan as he was convinced I was pregnant! As I blow up like a little puffa fish. LOL So I find the bloating gives me a real bad tummy ache.
All I do now though is eat as healthy as I can although have a treat occasionally you know us girls & chocolate! LOL and go to the gym or exercise when I can.
Anyway good luck with you food intolerance test! & I hope you get to the bottom of it LOL!
Take care hon
Love PIP'S XX
Caz Fab Pants
18-09-04, 16:03
Jo - Thank you for such a lovely post, it was really sweet of you and greatly appreciated. I guess because ladies have babies all the time it makes us forget what a special gift it is. I do think if I was to spend some time away from the family it would make me appreciate them all more.
Pips - Doesn't sound like you had much luck with the intolerance tests which is a bummer. I take it you had the more specific test done where they try to pin point exactly what you are intolerant to. I went for a YES/NO test because the others were so expensive.
My main problem is the same as you, bloating and I hate it. I explained to the doctor that it just wouldn't be possible for me to work in an office because of the embarrassment. Sorry to be crude but I spend most of the evening chuffing my pants off, lol!! It doesn't seem to be as bad during the day but that could be because I'm too busy to notice.
Got to go but will post again bit later as I have some great news.
Caroline :)
x
Hi Caz,
I know exactly what you mean hon! IBS is so horrible isn't it!
Yes I had a test where they measured it on a scale and if I was intolerent It would make get a really high pitched noise. It did cost about £45 but as I said not much luck!
What test did you do? How does it work?
Hope you are ok mate
Look forward to hearing your news!
Take care
Love PIP'S XX
Hi Caz
Hope you are feeling a bit better. You are doing so well.
IBS can be such a pain and my stomach seems to play up here and there without rhyme or reason. I tried mebeverine too and it did ease things a little but took well over a month of it.
Interesting I did find when I did a detox diet that cut out both wheat and dairy for a week that I was a lot less bloated. So guess either one could be to blame. I do find that I can't eat certain sorts of brown bread though or else I end up in complete agony
Anyway dying to hear what your great news is. Can't believe you have kept us hanging on. Come on what is it????????????//
Love
Jules
Jules
Caz Fab Pants
21-09-04, 18:47
Dear All,
Sorry for delay. Wasn't intentionally trying to build up the suspense, I actually did a long reply to explain the good news and then deleted it by mistake. Was so annoyed with myself that I just logged off and forgot about it.
Good News
I've been fighting to get my son into full time education for over a year but for various reasons we kept getting fobbed off. He has a statement of education which funds him to have 20hrs of one to one assistance but thats all. He has mild autism and was recently diagnosed with ADHD which makes his behaviour very difficult to manage, especially for those who dont know him very well.
Anyway, the long and short of it is that he was prescribed medication at the start of the summer holidays which has really helped him. The school have noticed the difference and have said he can attend full time on wednesdays, thursdays and fridays!!!
This means he'll get the education he's entitled to and I get a proper break from him and spend some quality time with my other son Harvey.
Caroline :)
x
I remember you telling me about this when we met and what a fight is was being .
I'm so very pleased that it has finally happened
Meg
Caz Fab Pants
21-09-04, 20:18
Now I've told you the good news I'm sorry to say I have some bad news too which I need to share. I've only told my partner about this but need to get it off my chest and I know most of you will be able to relate.
I went out this morning on one of my practice journeys and after managing to drive around the ring road in Huntingdon the last time I wanted to push a bit further. So I turned into the town centre so I could buy something as proof of my accomplishment.
I've had some Next vouchers since Christmas and because there isn't a Next in my home town and I haven't been anywhere I haven't been able to spend them. This was the perfect opportunity to treat myself without spending money just for the sake of it.
Now normally I would park on the market square but since my last visit it has been changed to a pedestrian area only. The other obvious place to park is the multi storey car park but I was too scared. I was worried about not being able to get back to the car quickly if I panicked. I wont go in the elevator which means tackling loads of stairs with a small baby in a buggy.
So, in my wisdom I decided as I was going to be just a few minutes I would risk parking on double yellow lines. What an idiot!!!! I was stupid to give in to the fear of parking in the multi storey and even more stupid to let my urge to shop over rule my common sense.
I got to Next and tried to make a quick decision which was impossible. I'm a very indecisive person and didn't want to waste the vouchers on an impulse buy I'd regret. It then dawned on me that I might get clamped so I rushed out the shop, empty handed and headed back to the car to find I'd been given a £30 parking ticket.
I was livid with myself. I achieved nothing and managed to waste £30 in the process. I bundled a very tired, unhappy Harvey back into the car and told myself I would drive to my sisters house as punishment so the day would not be a complete failure. But I couldn't even get that right.
Luckily I've calmed down, been to see my mum (although didn't tell her) and when I got home I found a huge bunch of flowers from Ed.
Lets hope tomorrow is more productive.
Caroline
x
Could have been worse.
You could have been clamped and thus stuck there for several hours whilst they came back off their tea break to unclamp you plus hand over the money !!
I think apart from the obvious you did very well indeed.
Meg
It is impossible to get out of a problem by using the same kind of thinking that it took to get into it.
- Albert Einstein.
Hi Caroline
great news about Taylor and after all that hard work it has paid of.
As for the parking ticket, we have all done things like that, well i have and paid the price.
But babe you were not a failure at all, so you didnt manage the multi storey car park you still went to next. If you were a failure you wouldnt have made next or even considered pushing yourself to go there, so forget the fine and remember you took a short cut that cost you but you made the real reason you were there and that is what counts.
Well done you.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Caroline
I still think you did really well and it is fantastic news about Taylor. You both will get the time and attention you need. Even if you have to give it to yourself.
As for the car thing, don't worry. On one of my first dates with Dave, I managed to park in a restricted area, well it was restricted in the daytime but I didn't realise that. Needless to say I came back thinking my car had been stolen when in fact it had been towed away. Umm that was a very expensive and embarrassing mistake to make. And Dave still reminds me of it to this day. Though I blamed him saying he should have noticed as he's a policemen.
So don't be too hard on yourself, you still did really really well. And hey you have another shopping trip to look forward to.
Jules
Hi Caz.
Great news hon! Give you some quality hey. Thats a bummer about the parking ticket. Never mind hey!
Take care
Love PIP'S XX XX
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