Relationship intrusive thoughts anxiety

[Dkkvlt]

Hey there my first post and a rather long one,

I've been in a commited long term relationship for just over a year. When I met I knew she was the one for me and it was like I knew her long before we met. It was a pretty intense honeymoon period and we fell in love rather quickly. This is my first long term relationship by the way. Things were going great until around the 5 month mark when I came down with severe depression and anxiety. I have a history of depression and borderline personality disorder. I was taking lexapro for a year before I started dating and stopped thereafter when I thought I no longer needed it.
After I came down with depression I started being plagued by doubts and negative intrusive thoughts about the relationship. This is killing me because I was so in love and loved her before this happened and it was like a switch went off inside my head. It effected me a lot, the confusion and I couldn't concentrate on anything let alone being good for my partner who had been 100 percent commited and supportive. The doubts get so bad at times that there have been times where I have broken up with my partner because of it but then they switch around telling me I love her and in desperation I have begged her to take me back. I know I love her as I care about her and hate doing this to her, I'm attracted to her she's gorgeous to me, I get sick when I imagine her in bed with other guys and the thought of me breaking up with her gives me panic attacks and a horrible feeling in my stomache. we are best friends can have comfortable silences together , talk about anything and are both committed under the circumstances.
My partner thinks I'm just obsessed because the honeymoon period is over and I'm not sure what I should be feeling.
I began therapy earlier in the year and it has helped somewhat and changed over from lexapro which wasn't helping a lot to pristiq which had helped somewhat with the depression but not with the intrusive thoughts.

[Rinzai]

I'm attracted to her she's gorgeous to me, I get sick when I imagine her in bed with other guys and the thought of me breaking up with her gives me panic attacks and a horrible feeling in my stomache.


I can truly relate to this. You're in good company to those kind of intrusive thoughts my friend. This year is a bad one for anxiety for me and the trigger was mainly a girl I really liked. I've been meeting up with her for drinks every couple of weeks or so and although there were times she mainly hinted we were 'just friends', I believed I did have a chance to ask her out. But this year I endured months of dealing with the intrusive thought that she had been sleeping with one of my friends - this caused me much distress and depression. It is unlikely that she has but it is sometimes hard to convince my mind otherwise. I mentioned this on the forum before, but I met her for a drink and I was going to open up to her, but I chickened out, but on the plus side I remembered that when we departed I felt confident that I had a good chance of opening up to her next time. But a few days later I discovered that she had a new fella and the heartache that followed hurt like hell. I met up with them both very recently and we all get on well, but yesterday I was sick in the toilet because I had so much anxiety trapped in my stomach and was depressed for much of the day. I sometimes blame myself because my anxiety episodes have affected my behaviour and I can't help but feel like a fool in front of her. She is not aware of any of my true feelings for her, but I am glad that she is always happy to meet up with me as just a friend. It still hurts, but I do my best to make sure that these intrusive thoughts don't take over which sometimes can be difficult.

I do hope you will be okay Dkkvlt :hugs: