Holiday anxiety/anticipation anxiety

[worried 101]

Hi guys.
I haven't used this site in a long time as have been a lot better in the last 6 months or so but unfortunately the anxiety around my holiday has risen and I'm really struggling. I have always found holidays hard, even from a young age, the change of location/ routine, being away from home and struggling with general anxiety has always been a problem. I would go on holiday with my family and then feel so anxious and just want to be back home.
I have been with my partner for the last five years and struggled through a lot of problems, which my partner helped me work through. Two years ago I had what I can only describe as a breakdown while on holiday, I was off work for 6 weeks and had emergency care from my mental health team.
Long story short I had new meds, counselling and was in a much better place when I went on holiday last year, I was private counselling and felt less anxious about the situation. I had a great time, we met some of toms family and they stayed in the area for a few days and the rest of the holiday went really well.
So when my partner rebooked the holiday in the same place again I was really excited, even had a countdown on my phone! Last week I was going through my partners childrens clothes to see what we would need and this wave of anxiety just hit me so suddenly it literally felt like id been slapped in the face. This feeling of something crawling in my stomach, flipping it over and over and then my heart rate went up and up and it felt like something squeezing my chest.This passed and I went on as normal, but quite shaken up from it, and then the next day it came back and then for longer. Managed to calm myself and put the steps I'd been given in place and then the next day it was there when I woke up and it was unbelievable. Couldn't stop crying, even when in public and could not calm down. Was horrible and I was so upset that it had come back so badly when I thought I had beaten this.
Just wondering if anyone can relate to this or has any advice on how to tackle this. I've got through so much and felt my life take a real turning point after the success of the holiday last year and don't want to lose it like I did before and get back down to those depths again cos I really don't think I have the strength for all of that again.
Sorry this is so long and any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

[Oosh]

How have your partner and therapist helped you in the past ? Did they give you any useful perspectives ?

When I go on holiday I don't like the disruption either. I list what I'll need to be comfortable then when I first get there I'll set that up. Ie the things I have back home that make me feel confident and comfortable I find there. Make it a home from home when you get there. Then from that base venture out and enjoy the new environment from there.

What things can you take to make it feel like the home you don't want to leave ?

Do you think you're afraid of feeling anxious ?
Maybe this makes you self monitor and look out for symptoms and then see their appearance as a sign that you are going to feel anxious, "it's back!" Etc

But it's not back. You can feel anxiety symptoms anytime and they can be gone just as quick. It's the fear which makes them stay longer. It's the negative meaning of "it's back" that you attach to it that creates the belief that the fear is based on.

It's not back. It's just anxiety. It can go back off again just as quick. Just don't be scared of it. It's not dangerous. Its unpleasant yes. It's annoying. But you can feel other things by giving it no meaning and focusing your mind on other things.

I think it's probably just self monitoring and anticipatory anxiety. Don't let it ruin your holiday. You enjoyed it last time and I reckon you will again once you're there and settle down into the same routine you had last time.

[worried 101]

hey oosh.
Thankyou so much for your reply.
I think you're right I do fear anxiety a lot. It was just weird as I wasn't feeling anxious until that moment and didn't even feel like it was even on my mind.
Taking something from home sounds like a good idea. Maybe something like our bed sheets so sleeping there feels more like home.
I 'm not really sure what helped, I think the holiday was what really changed things when I think about it, like the year before that was so terrible, enjoying this last one was such a big step for me.
Also some of my partners family came down last time and I don't know wether that helped at the time as didn't feel I could really show my anxiety, they were only there for a bit of the holiday but that anxious part of me is saying that I got through it last time was because they were there for some of it.
Everytime I get somewhere my head manages to block it and turn things round. Its so frustrating!

[Oosh]

It's funny, sometimes holidays can flip your mood like that. Now that I think about it, it's happened to me on more than one occasion.

I'd approached the holiday anxious and worried that feeling anxious would ruin it. I wanted to feel myself and for it to go well. I'd go over all the right stuff in my head and try my best. But when you're off in a different environment and in situations you're not usually in, subconsciously things can occur to you or boost you. Things that wouldn't have clicked back home because you would have been in a very normal routine.

It made me yearn to be on holiday because that's when I'd find other sides of myself appearing. Sides of myself that I liked more.

It's not only happened on holidays. It's happened at events I was anxious about and on courses I was worried about. Different things happen in different and unusual situations and they might change negative beliefs you previously had.
Even if that belief of yours was just "look, I CAN enjoy holidays!"
It might have had a big effect on you realising that. An effect that wouldn't have happened had you not been there. Yeh, I've had lots of them that wouldn't have happened had I not put myself there.

It's hard not to return back to an anxious default though. It only takes some familiar thoughts and perspectives and you're feeling the old way again.

Getting anxious while you were doing the clothes is a funny one. Thoughts, an image, a memory can pop into your head and flip your mood so quickly. I mean, you were doing a holiday related thing. It's not out of the question that your mind might have thought about a holiday anxiety.

But you can definitely have physiological anxiety too where it's not your thinking it's your body. I tried a supplement recently that reminded me of that. Have you been checked out by your doctor for any deficiencies or to check your hormones and anything else are at the levels they should be ? Maybe something physiological makes you a bit more prone to anxiety.

I say tell yourself that even if you do feel anxious on holiday you'll be ok. You'll be able to handle it. There will be a safe bedroom etc where your familiar things are and you can retreat there and calm yourself down with familiar things.
And being on holiday, you also have an opportunity to have another upturn (that's what I'd call them) in mood and a change of beliefs that will really help you move forward.

I wish I was going on holiday :/ :)

[worried 101]

thankyou so much. I really mean that. it really helps to see things from other peoples perspective, especially with the idea the holiday might have brought out a positive side to me I wasn't really aware of.
I have had thyroid checks as they thought that maybe affecting my moods but all came back clear. When I was with my mental health team I think they were supposed to take my bloods but it never happened. I also spoke to my doctor who said he didn't think it was worth doing, but maybe I'll go back for a second opinion. I have quite a few family members who suffer from mental health issues so threes definitely some link there.
Thankyou again for your help.:)