Justanutter
11-08-15, 12:36
Basically, I completely lost the plot at the weekend when I had the family (2 sons and daughter) round for Sunday lunch. My daughter and I sometimes clash and on this occasion we were venting about her situation with her ex and the kids and then gets wound up when I give my opinion. To make matters worse, my son always sticks up for her as they are very close and to cut a long story short, I just starting yelling at them to F*** O** out of the house now (this is totally out of character for me...). I continued to rant at them about stuff - half of which I can't even remember - said to my youngest "don't ever have kids" and then proceeded into the kitchen with a handful of pots which I promptly smashed against the sink wall... They could see how distressed I was. They know how bad my HA is and I know they can't understand it but I think I've now ruined our relationship for good. Elder son left (after shouting in my face - can't remember what he said, but he was so mad) and daughter and youngest stuck around. I then made it worse as I was sobbing at the sink saying I just wished I was dead and that if it wasn't for them I would be and this obviously upset them and youngest son then lost it with me and made me promise that I would go and get help again.
Later, eldest son came back round (youngest summoned him). He basically said he was only here to make sure my daughter was okay as he wasn't bothered about me, which upset me totally. After a bit more conversation, we all had a hug and they all went home.
The thing is, apart from my youngest son (who I am closest to), nobody else has even contacted me to see if I am okay. I am just so upset about it that I can't sleep. I feel so guilty for going off on one like that but surely they know that that is not me and it's this b loody anxiety that is doing it but I know they are sick of me. As their Mum, if it had been any of them in that state, I would have been there for them and at least have rung them or seen them the next day to make sure they are okay. They know my OH isn't supportive so I've got nobody. My daughter said she wished she had a stronger Mum which made me feel even worse but her way of dealing with me is to stay away as she thinks it is all nonsense.
Am I just a selfish cow - expecting too much? Am I just putting too much on them when they are just living their lives? We are normally such a close family, even though obviously, we disagree now and again as normal families do. Don't know how to make this all better as I have been like this for so long now. I am in despair of myself. Can't go to drs as I have a phobia - it's so easy for them to say go. I am just so depressed about my life, it's unbearable. I was on ADs but am now off them and don't want to take another type as the ones I was on suited me so much but I can't take them now because they react with other medication.
Later, eldest son came back round (youngest summoned him). He basically said he was only here to make sure my daughter was okay as he wasn't bothered about me, which upset me totally. After a bit more conversation, we all had a hug and they all went home.
The thing is, apart from my youngest son (who I am closest to), nobody else has even contacted me to see if I am okay. I am just so upset about it that I can't sleep. I feel so guilty for going off on one like that but surely they know that that is not me and it's this b loody anxiety that is doing it but I know they are sick of me. As their Mum, if it had been any of them in that state, I would have been there for them and at least have rung them or seen them the next day to make sure they are okay. They know my OH isn't supportive so I've got nobody. My daughter said she wished she had a stronger Mum which made me feel even worse but her way of dealing with me is to stay away as she thinks it is all nonsense.
Am I just a selfish cow - expecting too much? Am I just putting too much on them when they are just living their lives? We are normally such a close family, even though obviously, we disagree now and again as normal families do. Don't know how to make this all better as I have been like this for so long now. I am in despair of myself. Can't go to drs as I have a phobia - it's so easy for them to say go. I am just so depressed about my life, it's unbearable. I was on ADs but am now off them and don't want to take another type as the ones I was on suited me so much but I can't take them now because they react with other medication.