death and anxiety

[Floods]

So I know I posted a thread a while back and thank you guys for your replies.

I've managed to rationalise my morbid obsessions and derealisation etc as all part and parcel of anxiety, but for the last week, out of absolutely nowhere, I've been absolutely terrified of death.

I'm an atheist (or at least an agnostic very close to an atheist) and I can't see any view other than life ending completely at death. No afterlife, no reincarnation, etc. For my adult life I was absolutely fine with this, at peace with it. Having been tormented by religious concepts of hell as a child, the thought of non-existence or annihilation was welcome relief. To me, I would never fear death - what is there to fear when you don't exist? You won't be there to fear it!

That is, until this big anxiety freakout. I've been on citalopram for 4 and a bit weeks now, but it's only been the last week or so that, for some reason, my anxiety appears to have latched onto it. I can't shake it at all and it's overtaken every other symptom. It's made me very, very depressed and I've been taken to A&E after writing what would have become a suicide note in the early hours the other morning.

To me, death seems terrifying now. Not just the non-existence (although my anxious mind does indeed fear this) but the thought of no longer existing, no longer being me - that life is finite. I spend each day hearing the seconds tick away, knowing that all I am and all I will be will be erased. When I am dead it will be as if I have never been. In this light, nothing I do seems worthwhile. Why be happy, why do anything?

I'm absolutely terrified of the thought that I will, without doubt, take a final meal, take a final breath, see someone for the final time. I think it's this, rather than non-existence, which terrifies me.

All of a sudden I cannot live my life at all. I was struggling with anxiety before, but was able to say "this derealisartion is just anxiety, it will go away" or "these strange feelings are anxiety, this will go away" but the terror of death seems so real and unavoidable and inescapable, that I can't just rationalise it away. It doesn't seem like some anxiety but some horrible awakening or realisation, and now that I've seen it I can never ever go back.

This thought consumes me 24.7, and in the rare times I do not dwell on it, my mind notices and brings it right back to my own mortality and death. This was not how it used to be - this wasn't even how it was when I was hyper-anxious prior to this! I feel my life cannot go on, and that sometimes I think that it is preferable to end things now and regain control than try to go through a life of terror not knowing when death will come. I cannot even try and distract myself with TV without bursting into tears at this fact of life - one which I previously knew and felt okay about.

I never used to fear death, I just did not want to die. Now it is permeating my every thought. Doctor says to give citalopram more time. It has already been 4 weeks and a couple of days and whilst the derealisation is getting better, this existential panic seems to be going nowhere fast. I tried counselling today and didn't get any direct help - just that anxiety can cause us to focus on things - other than that there was a lot of delving into childhood and background issues which, whilst therapeutic, did not help me when I left his office and was immediately hit by a terror and anxiety over death (and with it, life's meaninglessness)

Please, has anybody experienced similar? Has it appeared out of the blue (no family deaths recently, nothing to really trigger such thoughts) for anyone? I read (by the author of a publicised method, so I'm dubious) that such anxiety is only ever co-morbid with existing disorders, so will go away with the anxiety as it gets easier.

I guess I just can't believe that this can get better. My life feels like a prison. I feel hopeless. Please, PLEASE tell me this is anxiety and can get better. I'm scared of the consequences if it doesn;t

Thanks in advance.

[bekw89]

Hi Floods, years ago when I had my first bout of anxiety I had the exact same thing. I remember sitting there thinking what's the point when we all die anyway. Lol Floods please please believe me this is anxiety it is derealisation I had that too and the fear of death came along with it. The good news is all those thoughts are gone, and they will go for you. Anxiety is a beast and will scare you with absolutely anything.

[kelly12]

I think exactly like you do. I used to think it when I was younger and run downstairs to my mum crying about it. Then it stopped and then would think about it now and again when I got older but just recently its been all the time. I really don't know why this has come on. I have asked for counselling about this but im on a waiting list. I cant tell anyone about this as they would think im going crazy. I jut try and deal with it day to day and just hope that this is all due to my Anxiety and that it will eventually pass. Its a horrible thing to have to go through and I look at people around me with not a care in the world and here's me like this. I know exactly how you are feeling I just hope this will pass and we get better soon.

[bekw89]

Kelly12 I can assure you it is down to your anxiety, please believe I had this same thing years ago and it passed. I can even think on it now and it doesn't bother me at all.

[Floods]

bekw89 thank you so much! That's just what I wanted to hear right now. Glad you're all better now too. You're a star!

[hardy har har]

Yeah, this sounds too familiar. First, I'm 62. I used to take an atypical antidepressant for depression and anxiety and it worked wonders for yrs, then it didn't.
No ADs worked for me after that. They just made me worse. One thing I noticed later on, yrs later, was my level of panic threshold was lowered. Any AD I tried, after a few weeks, had my threshold so low, any stressor could bring into panic.

When I say panic I mean the feeling you are in a place that might actually feel worse then death. It happened to me 3 times. Twice I was able to calm myself down enough to drive to the hospital and be given a low dose lorazapam which took the edge off at least. I remember telling the nurse that if I couldn't get out of this state of being, I would have to kill myself for relief. I don't go near any ADs these days knowing how they can effect me.

I do have a predisposition for anxiety and high anxiety, but not for a full blown panic attack unless of course something awful happens to me which overwhelms me. I'm sure that would set me into panic.

I've been waking up every morning for the last 20 yrs in a wave of 'gloom and doom' anxiety. My thoughts are of death and that's all my future has for me. It sucks. I can't relax back to sleep at this point and get up. I go downstairs for coffee and within an hr I'm stable.

My advice to you Floods is to make a decision at some point whether the suffering from the med side effects are bearable enough to continue, or it;s come to a point where you just want to go back to how you felt before these side effects.
Talk to your doctor, but it's your decision to make.
EDIT - just noticed the post is 2 yrs old.duh

[Blonde123]

This is familiar to me too. It crosses my mind at least every other day. Fortunately I don't dwell on it but the thought is there. I've seen so many people die so its something which is very real to me. I think about how old I will be and if I'm elderly when I die that's ok as I think its a good age. Im 42 so my next thoughts are about how old im getting and what illnesses are relevant to my age. I wish I was in my 20s where none of this would have bothered me. I have a beautiful family and so much in my life and when I think about dying it makes me so sad that this would be left behind. Also Im scared to die in pain or of some awful illness which goes on forever. Strangely enough I have no worries about having a massive heart attack or being run over by a bus and dying - in my mind that's not something I can help its just an accident so I don't worry about that sort of stuff.