Floods
12-08-15, 23:58
So I know I posted a thread a while back and thank you guys for your replies.
I've managed to rationalise my morbid obsessions and derealisation etc as all part and parcel of anxiety, but for the last week, out of absolutely nowhere, I've been absolutely terrified of death.
I'm an atheist (or at least an agnostic very close to an atheist) and I can't see any view other than life ending completely at death. No afterlife, no reincarnation, etc. For my adult life I was absolutely fine with this, at peace with it. Having been tormented by religious concepts of hell as a child, the thought of non-existence or annihilation was welcome relief. To me, I would never fear death - what is there to fear when you don't exist? You won't be there to fear it!
That is, until this big anxiety freakout. I've been on citalopram for 4 and a bit weeks now, but it's only been the last week or so that, for some reason, my anxiety appears to have latched onto it. I can't shake it at all and it's overtaken every other symptom. It's made me very, very depressed and I've been taken to A&E after writing what would have become a suicide note in the early hours the other morning.
To me, death seems terrifying now. Not just the non-existence (although my anxious mind does indeed fear this) but the thought of no longer existing, no longer being me - that life is finite. I spend each day hearing the seconds tick away, knowing that all I am and all I will be will be erased. When I am dead it will be as if I have never been. In this light, nothing I do seems worthwhile. Why be happy, why do anything?
I'm absolutely terrified of the thought that I will, without doubt, take a final meal, take a final breath, see someone for the final time. I think it's this, rather than non-existence, which terrifies me.
All of a sudden I cannot live my life at all. I was struggling with anxiety before, but was able to say "this derealisartion is just anxiety, it will go away" or "these strange feelings are anxiety, this will go away" but the terror of death seems so real and unavoidable and inescapable, that I can't just rationalise it away. It doesn't seem like some anxiety but some horrible awakening or realisation, and now that I've seen it I can never ever go back.
This thought consumes me 24.7, and in the rare times I do not dwell on it, my mind notices and brings it right back to my own mortality and death. This was not how it used to be - this wasn't even how it was when I was hyper-anxious prior to this! I feel my life cannot go on, and that sometimes I think that it is preferable to end things now and regain control than try to go through a life of terror not knowing when death will come. I cannot even try and distract myself with TV without bursting into tears at this fact of life - one which I previously knew and felt okay about.
I never used to fear death, I just did not want to die. Now it is permeating my every thought. Doctor says to give citalopram more time. It has already been 4 weeks and a couple of days and whilst the derealisation is getting better, this existential panic seems to be going nowhere fast. I tried counselling today and didn't get any direct help - just that anxiety can cause us to focus on things - other than that there was a lot of delving into childhood and background issues which, whilst therapeutic, did not help me when I left his office and was immediately hit by a terror and anxiety over death (and with it, life's meaninglessness)
Please, has anybody experienced similar? Has it appeared out of the blue (no family deaths recently, nothing to really trigger such thoughts) for anyone? I read (by the author of a publicised method, so I'm dubious) that such anxiety is only ever co-morbid with existing disorders, so will go away with the anxiety as it gets easier.
I guess I just can't believe that this can get better. My life feels like a prison. I feel hopeless. Please, PLEASE tell me this is anxiety and can get better. I'm scared of the consequences if it doesn;t
Thanks in advance.
I've managed to rationalise my morbid obsessions and derealisation etc as all part and parcel of anxiety, but for the last week, out of absolutely nowhere, I've been absolutely terrified of death.
I'm an atheist (or at least an agnostic very close to an atheist) and I can't see any view other than life ending completely at death. No afterlife, no reincarnation, etc. For my adult life I was absolutely fine with this, at peace with it. Having been tormented by religious concepts of hell as a child, the thought of non-existence or annihilation was welcome relief. To me, I would never fear death - what is there to fear when you don't exist? You won't be there to fear it!
That is, until this big anxiety freakout. I've been on citalopram for 4 and a bit weeks now, but it's only been the last week or so that, for some reason, my anxiety appears to have latched onto it. I can't shake it at all and it's overtaken every other symptom. It's made me very, very depressed and I've been taken to A&E after writing what would have become a suicide note in the early hours the other morning.
To me, death seems terrifying now. Not just the non-existence (although my anxious mind does indeed fear this) but the thought of no longer existing, no longer being me - that life is finite. I spend each day hearing the seconds tick away, knowing that all I am and all I will be will be erased. When I am dead it will be as if I have never been. In this light, nothing I do seems worthwhile. Why be happy, why do anything?
I'm absolutely terrified of the thought that I will, without doubt, take a final meal, take a final breath, see someone for the final time. I think it's this, rather than non-existence, which terrifies me.
All of a sudden I cannot live my life at all. I was struggling with anxiety before, but was able to say "this derealisartion is just anxiety, it will go away" or "these strange feelings are anxiety, this will go away" but the terror of death seems so real and unavoidable and inescapable, that I can't just rationalise it away. It doesn't seem like some anxiety but some horrible awakening or realisation, and now that I've seen it I can never ever go back.
This thought consumes me 24.7, and in the rare times I do not dwell on it, my mind notices and brings it right back to my own mortality and death. This was not how it used to be - this wasn't even how it was when I was hyper-anxious prior to this! I feel my life cannot go on, and that sometimes I think that it is preferable to end things now and regain control than try to go through a life of terror not knowing when death will come. I cannot even try and distract myself with TV without bursting into tears at this fact of life - one which I previously knew and felt okay about.
I never used to fear death, I just did not want to die. Now it is permeating my every thought. Doctor says to give citalopram more time. It has already been 4 weeks and a couple of days and whilst the derealisation is getting better, this existential panic seems to be going nowhere fast. I tried counselling today and didn't get any direct help - just that anxiety can cause us to focus on things - other than that there was a lot of delving into childhood and background issues which, whilst therapeutic, did not help me when I left his office and was immediately hit by a terror and anxiety over death (and with it, life's meaninglessness)
Please, has anybody experienced similar? Has it appeared out of the blue (no family deaths recently, nothing to really trigger such thoughts) for anyone? I read (by the author of a publicised method, so I'm dubious) that such anxiety is only ever co-morbid with existing disorders, so will go away with the anxiety as it gets easier.
I guess I just can't believe that this can get better. My life feels like a prison. I feel hopeless. Please, PLEASE tell me this is anxiety and can get better. I'm scared of the consequences if it doesn;t
Thanks in advance.