Bored and exhausted of it

[elik]

I don't know what's going on lately. I'm doing everything by the book but yet I'm riddled with anxiety. Everyday I carry around a weight in my stomach forcing me to question what it is. It doesn't budge. I'm not dwelling, I'm letting things pass, but still I find myself unable to get out of this state. I am perplexed by thoughts of whether or not people like me. This I believe stems from my friend doing a complete 180 on me for a very odd reason which has put me in a spiral of self doubt. I don't know why but I constantly question everyone's morals etc because I feel like all I want is to be the nicest person and for everyone to like me and when I feel this isn't met, I'm forced to question my own personality. I want to please everyone and I know this isn't possible but yet I can't let it go. I'm so insecure, I just wish I would accept my own character and know I'm not a bad person. I feel so isolated by it and don't want to talk to anyone about it as this would involve their judgement. What do I do from here ?!

[BlueEyesShining]

You can`t make everyone like you. That means, no matter however hard you try, there will always be someone unsatisfied. And that`s ok. You just have to let go of the thoughts, which is the hardest part, but you are ok the way you are.

Have you tried to speak to your friend? Or just taking a break from them? I was dealing with abusive "friends" for years, who treated me like complete sh*t, but i just didn`t wanted to let go cause i thought that by being nice i will make them nice. But that never goes that way

[elik]

I didn't speak to my friend as I'm too scared of her reactions she's very fiery and I am not feeling strong enough in my self to handle it. I'm just feeling very lost and unsure of myself and not sure if I know who I am anymore. I also sometimes think to myself of the times I have lied to make myself look like a more interesting person and to enforce reactions out of people that I don't get otherwise. Does this make me a bad person? I wouldn't ever do anything to affect anyone else, but I have so much inner struggle that I feel like I live a lie most of the time. I know everyone does things like this to a certain extent, but I hold guilt over anything slightly wrong that I do and its eats away at me. I want to be able to let go and make better decisions in future. I need to learn to like myself as a person but I don't know how to do this as I don't.

[BlueEyesShining]

No it doesn`t make you a bad person cause no one is so honest always. Everyone lies at some point, for many reasons. I have manupilated too many times just to get what i want. And i think thatis in our nature, so don`t worry about that.

I have low self esteem too even if i don`t look like that for other people. Some say that i`m very arrogant, but the truth is that i`m the opposite of that. try to emphasise the things on you that you like the most. Improve yourself everyday and remember that you are good enough just the way you are

[elik]

I appreciate your response more than you realise. I just feel so anxious and guilty. I only ever say things dishonestly to cover my insecurity and how much I feel of no value. There's always something going on in my head that I hold on to for a while to continually beat myself up over. I Just feel like I've lost myself completely, I don't know who I am and who I should endeavour to be so it's like I try and lie to myself and pretend to be the person I wish I was. I hate myself so much it's hard to live each day without ending it in absolutely hatrid of my character. I hold regret from what I was like when I was 18 and young of my actions and feel like its the end of the world. It's so bloody difficult being such an anxious highly coiled insecure person as I can't hold anything down including relationships as no one wants to go out with someone so insecure so I put a facade on to be the person they'd want to go out with but that will never work. I honestly can't see my situation ever improving as it only ever does for a couple of weeks then I've found something else to beat myself up over... It's such a vicious cycle

[Pepperpot]

It sounds to me like you need some counselling to help you overcome the past - I take it you maybe did some things years ago that you feel guilty about - they will be able to help you overcome that. What are you beating yourself up about?

[elik]

I've had counseling for over ten years but there's always another battle to fight with me. I'm a completely hopeless case. My insecurities and self esteem are all over the place. I don't know how to be me, I don't like me, it scares me. One just realized that I tell so many white lies throughout as a cover up, a front, a way of making myself the person I wish I was. But I have only now just realized how much I've done this and it means I'm never myself as there's not one person in the world that would care for the real me... It's pretty screwed up, right

[elik]

I just think for the last ten years I've just wanted to hide my anxious depressive side and make myself out to be so unphased and happy and friendly because that's what I desire to be like. I'm so caught up. If I'm myself then I'm going to have no one around me and I'll hate myself further but if I keep people pleasing and changing myself to adapt to others I'm just losing touch with any part of me and feel awful as its a facade even though I know if I weren't to have these problems that's who I would be ;( really struggling, don't see a way out at all

[Pepperpot]

Ahh so what you've told white lies to big yourself up; that doesn't make you a bad person. You can stop telling these little fibs as of now, sod the past as you can't change it. I can't help you learn to like yourself, only you can do that. I don't think you're screwed up though, you just long to be loved. But even if you're depressed and riddled with anxiety, someone will love you. Plus, if you start just being the real you, then you've got a better chance of overcoming your problems. Tell me a bit about yourself?

[23tana]

Look for a workbook called "Love Yourself, Heal Your Life" (Insight Guide)23 Sep 2004
by Louise Hay
It helps you to work through all of your values and mistakes in an easy to read way.

[elik]

But this is where my anxiety becomes my worst enemy because I think I'm the worst person in the world. I desire to be the perfect human in some subconscious way that ANYTHING that doesn't demonstrate this I will beat myself up over consistently for. Because I obsess over one particular anxious thought at a time , it's all consuming. I'm now finding it hard to talk to people because I've realised I'm never myself and I'm trying to be myself and stop myself from putting my guard up but that in itself is so exhausting and uncomfortable so now I just want to be on my own. To say a bit about myself, i have always been sensitive, but as I've got older, this sensitivity used to be a positive in that I'd care for anyone and he concerned which I still
Am but my anxiety has focused itself so that I have to consider my own state before helping others which is terrible and not who I want to be at all. Forever a people pleaser, very much about how I make others feel so this leads me to think that's why I have tried to appear better when I feel I'm not achieving this. It's purely down to insecurity, But I am so disgusted by myself and what a sad life I lead due to my anxiety. It's destroyedme as a person ive completely no idea how to go forward, I can be doing ok but it claws itself back

[Greg101]

Hiya Elik

Sorry to see you are in such pain.

Perhaps time to put yourself first and stop trying to please others, you will be some satisfaction and relief from putting your needs first.

It is something that you would probably benefit from right now.

PM me if you want to chat. Be well



Greg :)

[Pepperpot]

It is not terrible to put yourself first before others.
In a plane, if the lifejackets/oxygen need to be used, don't they tell you to put your own on before seeing to others? This is the same principle in effect. You need to be right before you can please others x

[elik]

I see what you're both saying, but judging by my past I am never fully right so therefore I will never put people first. Therefore, I am a horrible person. Always trying to figure my own self out and going round in circles. I am now consciously trying to be really honest as I think I need to be true to myself to get my confidence back but its so much harder and stressful than I thought. Its like I have been given a whole new personality and I don't know how to use it! It's so stressful!

[Adrom]

Hey Elik, your not alone on this one, I do the exact same thing, it is exhausting and it does get boring, it ends up putting a barrier between your actual self and the other part which is causing this thought pattern as well as yourself and friends, I think it's to do with confidence. The first step is realising when your thinking in that way then next do something which boost your confidence, for me I tend to workout or go running it seems to settle down when I do these things. Find something which suits you and gives you the confidence you need. It isn't going to happen over night it will take a while just keep your motivation up and be happy. All the best!.