Dealing with unintentionally aggressive colleague - advice please

[lior]

I work with someone who is from the same country as my mum. We bonded quite quickly. Over the last week I have started to find her stressful to be around. She acts impatient and stroppy, and often has a high negative energy - she complains a lot. Today I feel like she pushed it too far and repeated things passionately that we all agree with about our manager's short fallings - but it wasn't productive any more, it was labouring the point, and we all had a lot of work to get on with.

Another colleague said that she didn't need to be so stressed about it and tried to calm her down. I agreed and she acted wounded and probably felt attacked.

She spoke about a specific incident last week where our manager was explaining something important to me. She had asked our manager to tell everyone else what she was saying. I agree that our manager should communicate to everyone, and the words she spoke with were about right, but she was huffing like she was telling the manager off. It was a bit - demanding, scornful.

So I tried to tell her gently today that she came across a bit demanding and she re-explained what she'd said, still in the high energy, almost angry, stressy tone.

I didn't quite know what to say so I was careful not to say anything that might further upset her and let it go. It's not my place to tell her how to behave. I don't think she realises how stroppy she can come across. Even with new colleagues she acts embarrassingly demanding and unfriendly. She says it's her culture but not everyone from my mother's country acts that stressed out all the time.

There's a difference between directness and making frustrated shrug-laughs quite a lot of the time. It brings quite a lot of negative energy to the room. Maybe I saw it more today because I'm not as positive as normal today, because of the conflict.

We had a lot of conflict through the day. My team (without the manager there) all got really into it, but I withdrew and got quieter. They argued a lot about small points and I tried to pick my battles. I found it stressful to be around so much conflict through the day. I'm sure that's to do with my upbringing and I will talk to my psychotherapist about it.


For tomorrow - does anyone have ways of dealing with ongoing conflict? I don't want to be stressed and anxious all day, it makes me really tired.

And how can I deal with my colleague and either communicate to her the effect she's having on other people, or react to her behaviour in a way that might calm her down?

---------- Post added at 19:44 ---------- Previous post was at 19:24 ----------

Called my therapist: She said -

- make closed time frame meetings to inhibit whinging
- do a debrief at the end of the day - delay her complaining to a 10 min slot at end of day
- move my desk (can't do it)

[sial72]

I'm so annoyed!! Wrote a long reply and then I don't know how I deleted it by mistake, grrrrr!

---------- Post added at 19:19 ---------- Previous post was at 19:15 ----------

How old is this colleague? she sounds a bit childish to be honest.
I don't know where your mother is from but I have a Moroccan friend and she can sometimes sound a bit harsh, she isn't, but it is a kind of language thing.
Are you happy with your therapist's suggestion?

[lior]

Well, I'm calmer!

Thanks for taking the time to write a long response, even if it didn't go through.

She does sound a bit childish. She's 30. She acts a bit threatened - she lacks confidence in her work sometimes.

I feel like saying the nationality is irrelevant - they're known for being direct - I know all the stereotypes, but this is beyond the stereotype. And even if it is - she can't go round acting pissed off all the time. Well, she could do that, but it wouldn't be that pleasant if it continued in this vein.

My therapist keeps repeating - Do, Delay, Delegate, Dump. And the thing about getting out of your chair and pointing at it, and saying that's my job, but it's not me. With this situation I have to bring back the focus to the work we are trying to do, and put off the complaining til later. She also said something about framing the positive/actionable things.

[MyNameIsTerry]

How are things going with this, lior? I noticed on your other thread that a load of you had discussions over things that needed changing so was this part of it?

I know what you mean about the desk move. That presents problems as unless the manager comes up with a good reason to cover up your request, your colleague may suspect you instigated it. It's a bugbear for managers anyway and it could easily be refused.

But really your manager should be picking her up on this behaviour too. Whilst she may originate from a different culture, she has signed a contract with t&c's that cover her behaviour at work. So, it's not acceptable to act in ways outside of this, although her origin would be taken into account in order to address it. If this wasn't the case, there could be cases of sexism for instance if it were acceptable in the culture the person came from but it would not be acceptable under British Law. So, an employer need to keep an eye on such things and resolve them or they will just have bigger problems across the team/dept.

I think you need to gauge whether you saying something to your colleague, no matter how well intentioned, could be perceived by her. Will she be open to it or reactionary? If she would be open to it then a chat seems worthwhile but if not I would be careful and it may be better coming from your manager as an observation.

When your therapist says to include a short slot to inhibit the whingeing, are we talking about actual meetings her or informal discussions in the office? The latter won't work for that but the former perhaps just means a properly planned agenda to keep her away from what you know she will complain about and let it come up in AOB which could be your therapists quick slot.

[AnxietyDJ]

I would personally say that this isn't your problem and if you (or anyone else) has a continuous problem with this person, that impacts upon your ability to work effectively or happily, then you should pass your thoughts onto your manager (in the most constructive way possible) and let them deal with it.

People have enough going on at work, without trying to negotiate between an awkward colleague and everyone else! It isn't your job to make her a better employee - either she does it herself, or changes when her superiors point out her errors.

Never get involved in office politics!