Fear of death stopping me from enjoying time with my daughter

[xxminniexx]

Hi there, I'm new to this website but don't have a lot of people I can speak to about this as I think my anxiety can be frustrating to friends and family. I've always had anxiety and had a stressful childhood, then had a difficult past couple of years, I'm 22 and a single mum I had a close family accidental death when I was pregnant and a very difficult birth and my daughter was in special care after. Since having my daughter my ocd/anxiety/health anxiety has been EXTREME. More than ever before. I never was extreme in worrying about my health/death until ive had a child but its stopping me enjoying time with her or even feeling happy most days. My current huge fear is that I am going to die suddenly of sudden heart failure from a fatal heart arrythmia. I remember having heart flutters as a little girl then about three years ago a doctor heard my murmur, I went to a cardiologist and had ECG a heart tracing a chest X-ray and a heart echo and they came to the conclusion that it was an innocent heart murmur. When i was pregnant i got lots of palpitations got another tracing and they said my heart rate was faster than average but they saw no significant problems. The past few months I have had lots of palps nearly every day some where it feels hard and fast and some where it feels like it skips a beat and i cough or bang my chest to make me feel like getting it to work again. I do get breathless with excersize but do not excersize regularly other than walking with the pram. I also get the bottom of my fingernails greyish occasionally and dont know why but i have very cold hands and feet anyway. I've told my GP about the regular palps recently and they said they would advise beta blockers but they will make me tired so i said no. I read on google about sudden cardiac death and its correlation to SVT which I havent been diagnosed with but fear I have as i have a naturally fast heart rate. Ive had vertigo recently but it has recently gone and i have been tested at the hospital for balance problems. i am constantly burdened by fears of death and it is so upsetting i would give anything for the security of being told i would live till an old age and be with my daughter. Ive started therapy and waiting for CBT. Thanks so much to anyone who replies to this :(

[sial72]

Hi Minnie
You know that this happens to a lot of us after having children, suddenly somebody depends on us so we want to always be there for them.
I would also like to be guaranteed I will live to old age unfortunately things are not like that.
If doctors have tested you and said you are ok you have to trust this and work on the anxiety.
Mindfulness could be very helpful for focusing on now instead of the future.
Enjoy your daughter xxx

[Meowx]

Hi Minnie, I too have heart palpitations. I had a 7-day ECG done and it showed I had something like 500 ectopic beats in a 24-hour period. But the cardiologist said they were benign ectopic beats (nothing to worry about), and sometimes I had reported palpitations but it was actually tachycardia (heart rate >100bpm) when I was stressed or had been moving around a lot. I have a fast resting heart beat too (80 - 95bpm) so it makes the palpitations more noticeable. I had the echo done as well, and it showed my heart was normal except for a slight mitral valve prolapse, but he said it was unlikely to be related to my palpitations and shouldn't cause me any symptoms.
From the cardiologist and my own research, palpitations are very common and have not been linked to sudden death. I was also offered beta blockers, but decided not to take them as I don't think it's good to mess with your body and prefer just to ignore the palpitations and drink chamomile tea when I feel them acting up as it supposedly acts as a natural beta blocker.

[stressedanxious]

I am going through a lot of the same thing u are, i am a mom too, and scared of death : ( i am scared something bad is gonna happen to me, i hate this :(

[natalie yog]

I've been going through the same thing for many years. It's a horrible obsession that stops you enjoying life. Just know that you're not alone and that this site and its members are always here if you want to talk.

[Munchlet]

Hi
I can completely relate to your post.

I've always had HA to a degree but it has definitely worsened since I had my son 10 years ago.

Just the thought of leaving him sends me into a blind panic.

I don't know the answer I'm really struggling myself at the moment but you have hit the nail on the head by saying that you just want to know you will live to a ripe old age and be there for your daughter, I think that's basically what all of us with HA want to hear but unfortunately as we know there is no guarantee in life and no one can say that to us.

I'm beginning to think that the cure with this illness is just making the most of what we have whilst we can and ensuring that we are happy in our life, how to do that is a different matter and something I've not yet worked out but it's what I'm planning to work on.

My doctor has advised meditation and I'm looking into it at the moment if I find anything that actually works for me I'll be sure to let the board know.

Take care

[GoWhiteSox]

anybody would give anything to know for sure they would live to an old age and be able to see their children grow up...however you have to realize such assurance not just for you but for anybody is simply not possible..the only thing you are assured of is the present moment you have..dont waste this time looking for an assurance of making it to old age because then you are basing your mental health on getting something that cant be given

[xxminniexx]

Thank you all for the replies, the thing that's hard is I can't seem to shake the obsession with sudden death and am worried they have said my heart murmur is innocent and it isn't as I do get breathless and occasionally grey fingernails etc and a fast heartbeat. I'm worried they've missed something. My heart palps/ fastness/ shakes seem to go in phases and at the moment it's bad. I am exhausted with it all