Feel worse in my own home than I do outside now

[GingerFish]

I don't know about you guys but for me, I go through phrases where I feel a lot more comfortable at home and then other times I feel so much better when I am outside or pretty much anywhere other than home. My home life is happy. I live with my bf and our cats and we all get on brilliantly but I have had soooo many panic attacks here that atm, I no longer see my flat as my safe place.

My car recently broke so that added to the feeling of feeling trapped in the house. My mum and stepdad take me and my bf out every couple of days for random drives and go over to see her kittens which is lovely and I am so grateful they do that as I don't have enough money for regular buses and I miss seeing my family and the cats. I should be getting a new car by the end of the month which is good.

Do any of you go through phrases were one day or for a long period you feel better outside than at home? Maybe its because my anxiety has been getting better lately and I've been able to go far away from home and I feel like I should be out making the most of my new confidence instead of sitting in.

I feel guilty feeling like this as because as I said, my home life is great and I feel bad for wanting to be away from my flat so much. I often go through to the spare room and just lie there alone listening to music or watching something because I find that is the only relaxing thing I can do in my flat. This also makes me feel like crap because I should be spending that time with my partner and cats. I do need alone time just like he does too but sometimes I prefer my alone time to together time when in the flat just because I feel so highly strung and anxious here and when I am like that, I like to be alone.

I am dreading the winter because the nights are longer and I have noticed that my anxiety gets worse at night and when its dark.

[Oosh]

I was the same.

I'd walk the dog numerous times a day, sit down at the beach in my car for hours or go on a huge bike ride just to stay away from home.

[blue moon]

I feel better when outside I ike to walk and drive sitting around at home I have to much time to think

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I find I am struggling more when I'm at home and certainly more when in the living room on the settee. I think for me it was because that was the place I was most struggling with things when I was really bad.

Memory plays an important role in this and we need to retrain our subconscious to see these places as having no risk. Just like how some see a supermarket in the same way. I have found that I can tackle places outside of the home through repetition and ERP but I don't find it works at home for some reason.

So, I will feel on edge a lot at home.

[GingerFish]

Funnily enough the living room and the couch are the worst for me too. Most of the bad attacks I've had at home have happened there.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, it didn't bother me like that until my relapse and the problems with the severely increased anxiety from Duloxetine. But I can remember when I first started with GAD and it got to breakdown point that I would struggle going upstairs other than when I was due to go to bed. It's horrible not being able to do such basic things.

Noticed you are a Weekes fan GingerFish. I seem to recall how you talked about Panic Attacks coming in places we have had them before in something I read that was referencing her. What did she make of it?

[GingerFish]

I feel like the only 'safe place' in my flat is the spare room and it makes me feel horrible that the place I feel best is a place shut off from my partner. He's very understanding but I still can't help but feel guilty. I try and limit my time in the spare room to just whenever I feel a bad panic coming on or I feel extra on edge, I'll go through there for half an hour instead of spending the full day in there as I know company and exposure to the rest of the flat will eventually help me.

Yeah I am a big Claire Weekes fan girl :D she said that memory plays a big part in situations and places we are scared of and that memory of past failures is one of the biggest hurdles in recovery. I'm very bad for letting memory get the better of me. If I panicked once a bus, I would be terrified to go back on a bus again. In fact it took me two years to go back on one after experiencing just one panic attack on one.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats good to see in her work, I think memory is a massive one and especially with panic. GAD can be less specific but I reckon it still has memory in there just less about a spiking situation maybe.

I saw you talk about going into town centres not long ago. Anywhere big & open or busy can be really hard when you have been through panic and anxiety. But it is really the way through it by getting yourself more used to those places and rewrite those old memories with new more neutral or even positive ones. Celebrating those successed is well worth it, as I've seen you post about things you have been proud to achieve, as that will help reinforce those new core beliefs and mothball the old negative ones.

When I first went through this I remember being a real panicky mess going into Teso the first time. I was determined to as I wanted to get a plant for my mum for Mother's Day but god was it hard. It wasn't easy for a while but it gets easier. I would go walking daily to be out & about but it was more outdoors. When I relapsed I remembered how that was a real hurdle to overcome so I made a point of going in supermarkets & shops the minute I was walking far enough to reach them. It was hard, but easier this time around and I put it down to this.

The culprit? I worked in a big open plan office with pulling rushing around and stressing over things. That was where I had my first panic/anxiety attack after probably a year of not realising I wasn't handling the stress I was so used to.

You will get there. What you are doing is very good. Safety behaviours are bad for anxiety but I think when you are at the early points of your recovery journey you need some of these just to get you going. Then you can turn them around as you gather your strength, as you are doing by minimising your time in a safer environment.

When I started seeing my GF again, as I had become stuck in routines badly with my OCD before this, I found it hard being in her car or in her house. Honestly though, I can do this now and even enjoy it. I can get a twang of anxiety from a physical sensation but you learn more & more to push through it and not let it stop you.

[blue moon]

Î am more comfortable being in open spaces than being in confined spaces,.My issues go back years sometimes I do not even sleep in our bed,I sleep on sofa near the front door,î do not do this often only when I have been watching something that triggers a memory of my old life,my husband he being the gentle kind man that he is ûnderstands and let me do want makes myself comfortable,he did say to me that maybe buy a yurt and sleep outside......lol

[MyNameIsTerry]

What did you say to that, Petra? "are you trying to get rid of me?" :winks: Besides isn't it a bit cold for you for sleeping outside?

I get what you mean about triggers on TV. The first time I went through this anything exciting on TV made me feel like it would make me panic. I can remember one TV advert inparticular with a loud alarm clock noise in that used to really set me off in my head and I found it hard not being triggered. Probably reminding me of my alarm clock and time for work :D

I quite like big open spaces too. I love the countryside. I guess for me it was because of those panics in a big open office full of people. When I started going into the city CBD where the big shopping areas are I felt the same for a while as you can't get away to be on your own for a bit. You get beyond it though the more you persevere.

[blue moon]

I agreed with him Terry:D told him I would buy a fancy tent and outdoor heater and sleep with the critters he just smiled,bless his cotton socks(I learnt that today ....lol).I love the wide open spaces brings back the good memories of my homeland,

[MyNameIsTerry]

Did you tell him he would be paying for it? :D

Cotton socks, that's something I haven't heard for a while.

[blue moon]

Of course he is paying:D Î heard that saying while talking to a lady at headspace today,she also gave me a book of aussie slang,I now have a library of them:D

[MyNameIsTerry]

You will be calling me a Pom then :D

So, will I need one of those books myself when you & Phill get going on the games threads?

[GingerFish]

Had a really good today. Spend the first half of the day up early with the kittens at my mum's and then walked from my mum's with my partner back home which covered about five miles which is not bad for Ayr's resident couch potatoes! now back home and I actually feel relaxed at home for the first time in ages. That walk and few hours at my mum's must have helped. Definitely one of the best days of this summer

[Oosh]

:yesyes:

My enjoyment levels of things go up loads when I've been walking.

I'd try and stay out all day if I could and then it wasn't so bad being back for tea and the evening.

[GingerFish]

I definitely need to start walking every day, even if it is just 10 mins around my block. The difference I noticed today and yesterday is too big to ignore but I wouldn't mind getting in shape either lol

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I walk daily too. I find it seems to burn off some of that adrenaline. I try to walk earlier in the day and since my anxiety is always at it's worst for the first half of the day, I think this is quite a helper.

So, you may find walking earlier could even be helpful if you have similiar issues.

I think being in the light and taking in some air plays a part too. Nature is supposed to be good as well so maybe even having a wander through a park?

[GingerFish]

I always find that after a good day like yesterday with pretty much no anxiety really, the next day it comes back full force. I have had a few panics today and even had some in my dream which was scary but I always seem to get like this a day after a good day. I'll go a walk later to see if it helps. I've done 15 mins on my exercise bike this morning that helped for an hour.