new and struggling

[tinibop]

hi im a 22 year old female married with 3 children my anxiety started when i was about 12 when my mum thought it would be a good idea to tell me the lad i was kissing apparently had HIV (it was a lie because she didn't like him!) so over the next few years i was petrified that i had caught HIV and would die!. she later progressed to tell me i could die by inhaling aerosol cans and lighter gas that left me scared of being in the same room as anyone using hairspray or deodorant or even lighting a cigarette after i had my first child at 17 my anxiety got worse i would often sit and think i was having a heart attack or stroke as i thought i had the symptoms turns out it was the panic attack its self causing the symptoms. skipping to this point of my life i hate anything with chemicals scared of changing my shampoo incase im allergic to it scared of dieing my hair incase i go into anaphylactic shock and die scared of mopping the kitchen floor incase i inhale the fumes scared of bleaching the toilet for the same reason and scared to have another child Incase something goes wrong and i die. i dont know what to do anymore i went to my doctors who unsympathetically asked if i was likely to jump of a bridge (I'M NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD RESULT IN DEATH) informed social services (who thankfully believed im not a risk to my children) and prescribed me anti depressants ( i never took the anti depressants incase i have an allergic reaction and die) i don't think the doctor grasped the concept but here i am needing help with no one to help me i feel lost and stuck its like there's a monster trying to take over me if you know what i men i just want to be me again i want to enjoy walking on sandy beaches bare foot instead of panicking thinking im going to step on a dirty needle i want to touch a door handle without having to scrub my hands after. or clean my bathroom without running my hands under clean water for 25 minutes inase i got chemicals on them. omg it feels good just to tell you about it had to keep it closed up for so long!

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya tinibop and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[sial72]

Hi Tinibop and welcome
It's good to just let it all out, isn't it?
Doctors really do not have a clue sometimes, it's amazing!
I think where your fears stem from is quite obvious, it is now a matter of finding the help you need with them.
Also, having 3 children you must lead a pretty stressful day to day so...
Have you ever had any therapy for this?
I'm sure that people who know more about these things (which I'm not sure but I think might be OCD?) will be along soon to offer their advice xxx

[tinibop]

hi yes its nice to let it out i've never bothered with therapy because the only time i reached out for help i was made to feel like a crazy person it took me 7 years before i got he courage to ask for help and the doctors response has put me off ever reaching out again

[Greg101]

Hi Tinibop

Welcome to the site.

Mothers eh..I have a mole on my back and when I was 6 or 7 my mother told me if I caught it, it would tear and I would bleed to death! Of course it was utter nonsense!

Needless to say as a boy who like to play out I "nearly bled to death" many times.

She meant well I suppose and I can laugh about it now :)

Enjoy your time on here.

Greg :)

[tinibop]

yes greg my mum got me with that one aswell and when i was 13 i wanted my bellybutton pierced she told me that i couldn't have it done as i would bleed to death but then allowed my 14 year old sister have hers done and she did not bleed to death she also told me not to go on roller coasters as people have been known to fall of and die! unfortunately i have never really been able to talk to much about they things my mum said when i was growing up as she feels like im blaming her and gets very defencive

[Greg101]

Hey Tinibop

Yes I have never told my mum either, I genuinely think that she just made a mistake and wouldn't have done it if she realised the anxiety it caused me.

I am sure in her way your mum is probably the same, as you know being an adult you have a different perspective on the world than that of a child.

I suppose your mum may just be a little less sensitive than you and not appreciate the effect.

Hope that you will be able to see your way through this there are lots of resources and people on here to help

Greg :)