Stress because of a Bully

[shakey1961]

Hi everyone.

At some point soon I would like to post more fully about a situation I'm in, but for now, is it possible I could find an answer to the question below as I am unable to find anything searching the internet. I will try to keep everything anonymous.

I am a member of a group, and this group has a leader who is important. However, I suspect there is a bully within the group.

The suspected bully is a retired manager of a large company. He appears to try to "suck-up" to the leader of the group and come up with "good ideas". When they talk in our meetings I always find they are huddled in a corner together. It's almost like he wants the leader to himself and keeps him away from others.

Is this one of the behaviours of an adult bully?

Thank you for you replies.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It doesn't really sound like it on the strength of this but perhaps with more information it would become apparent?

He could just be someone who believes his ideas are the right way so tries to steer the leader in his direction. How he achieves that or tries to could be where being a bully comes in but there isn't enough information to go on.

Maybe he believes others to be less worthy because of his experience? Thats a possibility that could be standalone as the above could be or could be part of the above.

Doing things like that can come out of passion and sometimes people are rushing along trying to achieve something and not thinking about other people.

I don't quite understand the "huddled together in a corner" as surely in a meeting everyone is together? Do you mean he attaches himself to the leader and is talking to him throughout the meeting? If so, this again could be an example of the above.

If he is doing what I have stated above, the leader needs to tackle it. Are they inexperienced in such matters, lacking in confidence or biased towards this person?

[shakey1961]

Thanks for the reply.

Perhaps I can now explain a bit more. The group I am in is a music group and when we break for tea it is then this person will get the leader to one side, away from the rest of us and start talking about ideas.

Early on I informed him there was a slight mistake in the website and his reply was quite abusive.

We wanted a corporate identity and he approached a design company all without the committee's knowledge. This design (the only one infact) was presented to us. When I asked him before the presentation if we were going to vote on this he told me there would be no vote, this is what IS going to happen.

I was involved in producing and designing but have had this taken off me and given to the design company. The designing and production I did for free, this is now costing us in the past year over £1000!

Only the other day he asked me, over the phone so no evidence, if I would go back to producing the programmes as before and the design company provide front and back cover artwork. I then asked for my job description to be decided. Our chairman contacted this guy and was told that I had got it wrong and that I was "compiling" as before, which was not what was said. I then get another call from the "bully" to say he'd had a rethink and it would probably be best if he sorted the programme as it would be less complicated, but how co-incidental he called me only after he'd been contacted by the chairman. The "bully" twists things to suit himself.

Is nepotism a trait of a bully?

[MyNameIsTerry]

It could be Nepotism if the chairman gives this guy privelage over others if he has connections to him e.g. family, friend, etc.

What is this guys role on the committee because he seems to view his role as above you and others. I also don't see how he can agree anything with at least the chairman's agreement and if the financial impact is one you all, you should all have a say as it's your money.

Has the chairman given him the design project to manage or just play a certain role in?

I'm not sure if he is a bully, he could just be an idiot. Perhaps he is a self-important type. Perhaps he is someone who surrounds himself with "yes men" and pushes away (or worse demotes or attempts to) those who challenge him even when challenges are valid?

I would say on the strength of this, his behaviour is unacceptable and he is perhaps getting a bit above his station but if the chairman is not willing to talk to him and put him back in his place, maybe he believes he can do what he wants.

Abusive responses are unacceptable.

How is he with other members of the committee?

[blue moon]

I do not think he is a bully,maybe he is just someone trying to throw his weight around,he sounds like a smart a..se. Stand up to him and tell him how you are feeling.

Petra x

[Oosh]

I think he sounds really annoying. :) Not bullying though.

Do others feel the same way as you ? If they do then you may be able to pull the Chairman aside at some point, with some others and make use of his ear like the manipulative bloke does. If he is tactfully made aware of how it appears to some of you he may take it on board.

[shakey1961]

Lets just say, pictures were taken by his son in law for our website. This "bully" then said he knew of a design company. When I looked into it further, it turns out it's run by his son-in-law's brother! Nepotism!

He went to the design company and we knew nothing about it till it was revealed! Now he gets work done seemingly without approval or authorisation.

His remit was to mange the website, now he's got his fingers in various other pies and is not being stopped!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Ah, well that sounds a bit different. That sounds more like a sneaky little arsew*pe and it wouldn't be stretching the imagination to think he is either getting some "cashback" out of this or some other favour.

I think you guys need to have a more serious discussion with the chairman about how finances are being managed around there. I would also be keen to know if his son-in-law was paid for those photos.

If the money comes from committee members, I think I would be demanding this being looked into myself as there could be some "irregularities" in here given this type of person. He doesn't sound like someone who can be trusted with financial control or decision making.

[shakey1961]

See!! I knew I was right!. Plus he is abusive towards me, not often but it has happened, then sometimes he's all lovely dovey to me wanting me to be involved, asks me to do things then changes his mind or tells others he didn't say what he said.

Jovial, life and soul of the party, hearty laugh, but beneath it is a scheming mind.

As for the chairman and other members it's all a case of wait and see.

In an attempt to curtail his activities the whole committee meeting process has had to been extremely tightened up with lots of red tape, when before they were easy come easy go meetings and people just go on with their jobs without interference.

In my eyes, he's a classic bully.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Nepotism, yes. Whether he is a bully is less clear for me, but it's a possibility. He's obviously a problem. He obviously has issues with people skills and maybe with his previous career he was used to barking orders at people?

With meetings being tightened up does this mean the chairman has taken note of tensions between committee members?

How does this guy talk to others. I think it's important to understand whether this is something he takes out on you or just everyone. There is an angle in there because if it is just you, you could approach the chairman with a complaint but if it's against all of you (or a significant number of you) then you could approach him as a group and get some sort of "no confidence" over to the chairman.

Eitherway, I think the chairman needs to take a serious look at his own role here. He is creating the situation be delegating too much so as to dilute his role or he is not conducting his duties in controlling committee members.

Please don't go just off my post, see what others make of this. I have my opinions from working with people like that but that doesn't mean they are correct and it's important to get other's views as they might introduce some interesting concepts.

[shakey1961]

Well, after this weeks episode, I have now resigned form the committee over it. Our Chairman says "we're too different in character to work together", and he tends to try and smooth things over.

I feel it's generally me that gets the brunt of it, but he has been told "don't you talk like that to me" from another member of the committee.

As I have said to our chairman only this week, "Mark my words..... he'll bankrupt us in a few years"

Design costs in the previous 3 years - zero, this past year over £1,000 with printing costs on top of that also!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sounds like the chairman is a bit limp wristed and wants a quiet life but his lack of backbone will only allow the other guy to keep running unchecked.

It would be good if a whole bunch of committee members approached the chairman so he is forced to admit that there is a common denominator in this, that guy.

Are there any legal documents in place to cover this group? It sounds like it might come under the social enterprise banner which can mean very little but if there are shared responsibilities there may be documents explaining who is liable for what.

[shakey1961]

Well, it can't go unchecked for much longer. There's not only me who has voiced concern, but we have to be careful. I think I have at least 2 other members who are almost prepared to resign over the state of affairs. It might be good if they did.

I'll keep you updated as to what happens.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Good luck with it, Shakey.

I used to work in business change & improvement and as DMW will have seen in many a costings paper back to "the business", many thousands just disappear in consultancy fees, testing, PMO, etc. So, to me, like DMW, it's not much but I can see how it is to your side as they were getting it free and it's not like you are a multinational like I would have been looking at.

Resigning is one thing, but there is no reason why people can't band together and approach the chairman so you have some strength in numbers. Hopefully a group approach of some kind will persuade the chairman that he can't gloss over it and sit back anymore.

It's good to see it's not just you though in a way as it helps you to have some likedminded support.

[shakey1961]

Hi all. Update.

I resigned from the committee, couldn't stand the guy any longer. Glad I did. At the lest committee meeting he was specifically asked to change some details on an advertising poster. It's clearly minuted.

Guess what, the posters that have been printed and the changes have not been done!

Just proves it's not just me. He's a law unto himself.

[Dan1975]

See!! I knew I was right!. Plus he is abusive towards me, not often but it has happened, then sometimes he's all lovely dovey to me wanting me to be involved, asks me to do things then changes his mind or tells others he didn't say what he said.

Jovial, life and soul of the party, hearty laugh, but beneath it is a scheming mind.

As for the chairman and other members it's all a case of wait and see.

In an attempt to curtail his activities the whole committee meeting process has had to been extremely tightened up with lots of red tape, when before they were easy come easy go meetings and people just go on with their jobs without interference.

In my eyes, he's a classic bully.

He's not a bully, he's a ****! Sounds like David Brent to me!

[MyNameIsTerry]

He's not a bully, he's a ****! Sounds like David Brent to me!

:roflmao:

Dare we say just imagine him doing that dance in the buff when he's annoying people... or would that make it worse?! :ohmy:

[Dan1975]

I've encountered people like him over the years. They eventually tie themselves in knots with bs and end up getting found out in the end!