queenb
23-08-15, 22:07
Hello all,
For most of my life I had HA which was formally diagnosed at OCD. I refused to accept the diagnosis for a while because TV had taught me that OCD was people who liked to clean their houses and wash their hands. I did neither of those. Instead, I spent hours reading about diseases and convinced myself I had the truly scary ones.
After the birth of my son, my HA magically disappeared and I had instead what is known as postpartum OCD or as I like to call it...Hell. I had constant intrusive thoughts about harming him and was so terrified that I would I stopped sleeping and eating completely until I ended up in a state so bad that I required 24/7 supervision for 5 weeks.
The doctor prescribed Lexapro and Klonopin. I only took the Klonopin once or twice as it was way too strong and made me unable to function. Lexapro seemed like a gift from the heavens. Magically all those thoughts I'd had for so many years disappeared. I'd never had a moment's peace from the constant thoughts so it was like a miracle.
Several years went by and I seemed to be doing fairly well. I decided to wean myself off of Lexapro and seemed to be doing ok. Then, my marriage ended and I crashed. I took some low dose Xanax and became a complete zombie. For some reason even the lowest level benzos affect me strongly.
Slowly I recovered from that episode and remarried. I became pregnant and lost the baby at 19 weeks. Immediately after losing the baby, I started vomiting every morning. It would start with rounds of dry heaves and then eventually I would vomit. It was very stressful.
My son was also having trouble at a horrible school and I would wake up every night with my fists clenched.
It took about a year for all of that to settle down and life to be more normal again.
Everything was livable until this June. My dad died in February. I always seem to have a delayed reaction to these types of things. I will be fine at the time of the event and then a few months later it hits me like a ton of bricks.
My husband was hospitalized in May and had to spend several days there. Then I found out that one of my closest friends had betrayed me. I tried to ride these things out.
Then, in June my husband went home to England and my son went to Summer camp. I was left all alone. I had imagined myself finally being able to let loose and do all kinds of crazy things. Instead I mostly sat home lonely watching TV night after night.
When they came back was when my anxiety flared up again. I started having panic attacks and dry heaving every morning. Then, I started vomiting as well. I was terrified of vomiting and yet would vomit most mornings. Some days it was only morning anxiety and others seemed like a living nightmare of all day anxiety with the inability to eat anything due to being afraid of vomiting.
Going out to eat became my worst fear. I was scared that I would end up vomiting all over the table and look foolish. I wasn't able to eat much when I went out to eat and then friends and family would comment which only made it worse.
The weekends have also been scary. There's too much free time with no plans. I try to read, but I can't concentrate. Nothing else seems fun any more. Mostly I just try to survive the weekends.
For most of my life I had HA which was formally diagnosed at OCD. I refused to accept the diagnosis for a while because TV had taught me that OCD was people who liked to clean their houses and wash their hands. I did neither of those. Instead, I spent hours reading about diseases and convinced myself I had the truly scary ones.
After the birth of my son, my HA magically disappeared and I had instead what is known as postpartum OCD or as I like to call it...Hell. I had constant intrusive thoughts about harming him and was so terrified that I would I stopped sleeping and eating completely until I ended up in a state so bad that I required 24/7 supervision for 5 weeks.
The doctor prescribed Lexapro and Klonopin. I only took the Klonopin once or twice as it was way too strong and made me unable to function. Lexapro seemed like a gift from the heavens. Magically all those thoughts I'd had for so many years disappeared. I'd never had a moment's peace from the constant thoughts so it was like a miracle.
Several years went by and I seemed to be doing fairly well. I decided to wean myself off of Lexapro and seemed to be doing ok. Then, my marriage ended and I crashed. I took some low dose Xanax and became a complete zombie. For some reason even the lowest level benzos affect me strongly.
Slowly I recovered from that episode and remarried. I became pregnant and lost the baby at 19 weeks. Immediately after losing the baby, I started vomiting every morning. It would start with rounds of dry heaves and then eventually I would vomit. It was very stressful.
My son was also having trouble at a horrible school and I would wake up every night with my fists clenched.
It took about a year for all of that to settle down and life to be more normal again.
Everything was livable until this June. My dad died in February. I always seem to have a delayed reaction to these types of things. I will be fine at the time of the event and then a few months later it hits me like a ton of bricks.
My husband was hospitalized in May and had to spend several days there. Then I found out that one of my closest friends had betrayed me. I tried to ride these things out.
Then, in June my husband went home to England and my son went to Summer camp. I was left all alone. I had imagined myself finally being able to let loose and do all kinds of crazy things. Instead I mostly sat home lonely watching TV night after night.
When they came back was when my anxiety flared up again. I started having panic attacks and dry heaving every morning. Then, I started vomiting as well. I was terrified of vomiting and yet would vomit most mornings. Some days it was only morning anxiety and others seemed like a living nightmare of all day anxiety with the inability to eat anything due to being afraid of vomiting.
Going out to eat became my worst fear. I was scared that I would end up vomiting all over the table and look foolish. I wasn't able to eat much when I went out to eat and then friends and family would comment which only made it worse.
The weekends have also been scary. There's too much free time with no plans. I try to read, but I can't concentrate. Nothing else seems fun any more. Mostly I just try to survive the weekends.