Death of a friend and HA

[lofwyr]

A great friend I grew up with just passed away from colon cancer. It has me, of course reeling with grief, and it kicked up my HA something fierce. He was my age (45), and it is a bit young (but not so rare as to be stunning beyond measure) to be worried about this stuff especially because he had no family history or anything.

Now I selfishly wonder what the hell is going on in my own gut, lurking, undiagnosed. A simple colonoscopy could have saved his life, but he was diagnosed at 42, and they don't start screening until 50 here unless you have a family history. To the best of my knowledge there is no one in my family who has had it, on either side, pretty much ever. I have never had a colonoscopy, aside from being very gassy, a lot of the time (much to my wife's dismay) everything there feels fine. Worse when I am anxious of course, but it has been that way for a good long while now.

I feel so much shame and self loathing for even thinking about my HA while I get ready to bury one of my best friends, I should be thinking about myself last of all...yet I cannot help it. I knew HA could make being happy difficult, what I didn't know is that it could ruin grief as well...

[elysemarie123]

I'm so sorry you lost a friend. It's unbelievably hard and doesn't seem fair when a person is that young.

Something very similar happened to me and I reacted the same way. I was 21 at the time and one of my good friends passed away from meningitis. He was fine at 9:00pm and then the next morning he was dead.

I reacted the same way you did; by worrying about myself and feeling extremely guilty for not mourning him how a person should "properly" morn. It's been 7 years now and I am still anxious about my health. Bottom line -- do not feel guilty for what you are feeling. Losing someone at a young age isn't supposed to happen and everyone grieves in a different way.

I've also learned that getting sick is something that happens in life. Unfortunately, our friends, for some reason, were meant to pass when they were meant to pass. I still don't understand it and probably never will.

My advice would be to trust your body and mind. I worried about getting meningitis for 20 days after my friend passed because that was the incubation period for the bacteria. I kept telling myself that after the 20 days, I will be fine and not have to worry about this anymore. Then, after 20 days, I was worried about something else. Since then, my mind concluded that I had cancer, a heart attack, a brain tumor, MS, plus an array of others. The reason I am saying this is because even though my HA stemmed from meningitis, it is a part of me and may never go away. Since then I've learned that I am healthy but you just never know what is in store for you. You need to trust your doctors and trust yourself. If you think you should go in for a colonoscopy, by all means do it! There's no harm in making yourself feel better.

Sorry for blabbing!

[nomorepanic]

I am really sorry to hear about your friend, that is very sad and a hard loss for you to take as well.

When I had a crohn's flare-up nearly 7 years ago, my ex-boss and friend from work was also in hospital with a crohn's flare-up too. We used to text each other and compare notes on the hospitals and treatments etc.

Sadly he was diagnosed with rectal cancer not long after his admission to hospital and died at home within a couple of weeks.

All I could think about was that is was going to be me next so I can completely understand how you feel.

I don't suffer with HA as such but it certainly made me question my own health and the future and what could happen.

Take time to grieve but don't feel bad about thinking about yourself at this time as well.

[swgrl09]

Well first, I am so sorry to read about your friend passing away so young. Like others have said, don't feel badly thinking about yourself. You have to take care of yourself and let yourself feel what you need to feel.

I can really relate and your reaction is completely expected considering what you have been through. My mom was diagnosed with a neuroendocrine tumor in her colon at age 49. 1 year before you get colonoscopies. By the time they found it, it had spread to her liver and lungs and was too late. She passed away in 2011. Any time I had any stomach/intestinal symptoms, I freaked out. I still do sometimes. It sent my HA into overdrive and I worried constantly.

It took therapy, meds, and a lot of work to move through it and I still get triggered by cancer, esp bowel. I think challenging my thoughts (CBT style) was helpful... but also just being patient and compassionate with myself went a LONG way. It makes sense that you would feel the way you do and there is no shame in it. Something scary happened to your friend - how could you not wonder or worry about your own health?

:bighug1: