So what don't you like about yourself?

[NE21 worrier]

Hello everyone,

I haven't properly posted for a while but that may or may not change over the next few weeks. At least I know in the past here that writing here has helped and now I need help again. Apologies for the length of this but this is all pretty important.

I don't know if I am anxious because I'm depressed or depressed because I'm anxious. I do know that I am in a spiral again, that I have been getting upset at quite random moments, crying a lot more than usual, and feeling generally hopeless - even though I consider myself to have a good support base from my parents (especially my mother) and a few close friends.

I even told my mother this evening that I didn't like myself - and of course I don't like myself feeling like this.

Quite understandably - but perhaps too abruptly - she asked what didn't I like about myself? Irritated by the directness, I left the room in a huff without answering.

But here is the answer, in written form, and they seem quite deep-rooted:

1) At the age of nearly 32, I live at home. I have some money put aside to move out but, conversely, have no motivation to do this as I am scared I wouldn't cope very well on my own.

2) This year marks the tenth (10th) anniversary since I was last in a relationship and/or even attempted to have sex and my confidence in this regard is non-existent. I've never had sex properly - I've always prematurely ejaculated - and now even have doubts over my sexuality as I've always thought I was straight but kinky. See, much of my pornography viewing suggests I like dominant females - but I'm too scared to get into a relationship with a dominant female - and I've recently found myself fascinated by buffer, younger men including a particular colleague with whom I have quite an obsession (checking his Facebook and Instagram). He is leaving work for university soon and I feel quite upset at this fact. This all may, however, be more relevant to the next point...

3) I have come to realise I have body appearance issues. I've always been really skinny for my height and age - I'm 6ft and less than 10st - so, while I'm not anorexic, I don't have abs or pecs or muscly arms or a tan. I'm from Newcastle and all the young lads seem to have Geordie Shore characteristics. It's no wonder I'm not successful with the ladies and I feel as if, at 32, my party days are over and I've already missed my chance.

4) On that note, I went to uni 10 years ago now, opted against using my journalism as I felt I wasn't tough enough to crack the industry. It feels generally as if greatness has indefinitely passed me by. I should also add I'm a speccy and I have bad teeth - poorly maintained - so I look like Mr Muscle.

5) I am finding work difficult at the moment. This is perhaps the most transient problem as I can usually do the sort of work I am in without a problem. However, I had a car accident last month - just me and a fence involved - but, while I'm ok, it has left me with a longer, more stressful commute until I get something else organised, something which I have lacked the motivation to do. I've also recently changed work streams which a lot of people are finding difficult at the moment. This should get better but it is a daily slog considering many of my major anxieties.

Note: I've had two bouts of therapy before (CBT) and six months of Sertraline for six months in 2013. Both seem to help make things better for a bit - but I've never permanently solved some major issues in my life.

I just know it cannot carry on like this, though. Please help with any suggestions.

[AnxietyDJ]

Hey, so sorry to hear that you feel like you're on a downward spiral right now... I can definitely relate to that.

There are no magic words I can say to make you feel better, but everybody - and I do mean EVERYBODY - has issues with something about themselves, and at times can start to think that: "if my nose/eyes/hair/body/legs/breasts/bum (etc.) was more like X, Y or Z, then I'd feel so much better", but in reality that is very unlikely. Feeling good comes from the inside and has the ability to override any superficial elements. Also, when we are feeling bad about a certain part of us, we always tend to only notice the people who are the opposite, or possess that thing we crave - you say you feel like you are too skinny, without muscles, so naturally you then notice all the guys who are well built and muscular. I'm sure in actual fact if you took careful note of all the males you see during the day, the range of body types would be much wider than this. It is all about perception really... You perceive yourself negatively, and then perceive many other people more positively.

I know that with the sex/pornography thing, the viewing of hardcore images or videos over a long period of time can really alter your view of your own sexuality and also of what is actually 'normal' within a sexual relationship with a partner. The adult industry is based on unrealistic expectations - from body image, through to what people appear to enjoy. At the end of the day though, whatever you are into is fine - as long as it doesn't hurt anyone - whether very straight laced or more on the kinky side... If you enjoy it and so does whoever you end up with, that is what counts. Exactly the same thing goes for whether you end up preferring guys to girls, or vice versa... Don't beat yourself up for being curious and experimenting, there really is nothing bad about that.

I am also in my early 30s and live with my parents... I moved back after a particularly bad period in my life where my anx and depression went off the chart, after breaking up with a long term partner and then losing my apartment due to not being able to afford the rent and bills on my own. The plan was to move home for 6 months and save, but here I am 2.5 years later! I definitely felt guilty and ashamed for a long time, but now I realise that it is nothing to be ashamed of and try to cherish the extra time I can spend with my family before either I am ready to move away again, or they are no longer here.

Sorry for the long reply... Hopefully it makes at least a little sense!

Take care of yourself and hope you start to feel better soon :)

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks for your reply, AnxietyDJ - and yes a lot of it does make sense when I've read it from a rational, objective perspective.

Of course, it is more difficult to have such a rational, objective perspective about one's own circumstances - that is to say, there are some of these beliefs which are so deep-rooted that it is difficult just to shrug them off as if they are not there.

I guess the answer lies either in accepting these beliefs and changing my perspective on them OR in actively doing something to change the belief. For example, on the body image issue, I could accept that people come in all shapes and sizes and I have nothing of which to be ashamed and(?)/OR I could go to a gym for the first time in my life, learn to do some weights, and 'improve' my appearance.

Even on the spectacles issues, I realise I've basically either got to accept that being a speccy is part of me OR I shell out for laser eye surgery. Same with the teeth - I'm sure the mouth is not beyond repair with a good dentist (that does sedation?) and I could always shell out on teeth-whitening etc. That all may seem quite audacious - but, living at home, with a few savings in the bank, I suppose it would not be impossible. The big question is whether it would make me any happier and increase my self-esteem? I honestly don't know - it could be a short-term fix or a part of the confidence boost which I need.

As for living at home, I've said it on here before but I know I need to start managing my own affairs here better. I shut myself away in my room far too much but, at the same time, I show little motivation of wanting an independent lifestyle. Obviously, this is not something which I wish merely to accept and, while I will need a lot of support (from my mother in particular) to change my habits, this is not impossible.

This morning, the physical symptoms of my anxiety (notably, the tight chest) are relatively mild but my mind is still racing and I am worried I have upset my mum with this latest episode. Today is damp here in the North East - it's 9am and the lamp is still on so it feels like the start of autumn. Otherwise, it feels as if it is a fairly non-eventful day in which little or nothing improves or denigrates further, as long as my mum is ok with me.

I'll take that for now. I'll need to do something more soon to keep myself out of my hole, however.

Thanks for reading,
Peter

[NE21 worrier]

^I'm too tired to post anything too long in here tonight - though my current level of anxiety (moderately high) suggests perhaps I won't sleep to well anyway.

Regardless, though, almost everything in the OP is still true - only number (5) has been solved with a nice new car. However, I just cannot seem to build any self-esteem or break away from some of my obsessive habits. I think I'm going to need some proper help again tbh...

[emily67]

in answer to your question, what don't you like about yourself (i figured i'd answer it), everything.

eating issues, sleeping issues, appearance issues, mood issues, anxiety issues, it's probably easier to list what i like about myself (barely anything)

hugs!