Year of Hell, Posting here out of desperation :/

[rydagwopstacker]

This may be quite long and I know there are many similar posts on this forum so I really do appreciate anybody who reads this and even more so those who have any kind of advice for me. I also apologise if this may be better suited in another part of the forum, I found it hard to decide which one was most appropriate.

To start this off I have to first mention that before February I was never frightened of dying or even really aware of my own mortality at all. It may also be worth noting that I've smoked weed since I was 13 quite regularly and I'm now 19 and in uni. Since starting uni last september up until February I really did go a bit overboard I would say though and along with smoking weed every day I would do MDMA often, dabbled with LSD, Mushrooms and other psychedelics in a relatively short space of time as well as legal highs (I was really stupid, for some reason I thought I could handle everything). after a particularly heavy week and a day after mixing mdma with another stimulant that was legal (which usually means worse from my experiences) I started feeling a slight pain in my stomach whilst playing Mario kart with my housemates. I decided that I needed to go to the toilet and (sorry for being graphic) after letting one out, I felt a really intense pain in my anus, something I've dealt with before presumably caused by my diet I'm not sure but this time the pain was extra bad and that's when I had my first panic attack. My heart suddenly started beating a million miles an hour, my vision went crazy, I was sweating buckets all that other good stuff. I also felt a sharp pain in my left arm which instantly made me believe i may have been having a heart attack and that i was going to die. I got up to open my bathroom window to let some air in because I thought that might help, but then fell into the bathtub only to stumble out and managed to speak loud enough that I was in trouble for my friends to come aid me. Thinking I was dying I had an ambulance called and they took me to the hospital.

I discovered what it really was and from then on they would happen all the god damn time, fully crippling my life and my first year of university which had been going fantastic at that point. The few weeks after the first one kind of felt like I was in a constant state of panic that could escalate at any second, but I always thought during this time despite what I had been told at the hospital that it was my heart or that I had cancer or a tumour or some kind of bullshit that would end my life. It really didn't help that the day of my first panic attack was the day a ouijia board that I bought as a joke arrived, but that's a whole other story. The doctors told me that I should never smoke weed again and blamed drugs for it all because of what I told them. I couldn't accept this as weed was an every day part of my existence so I smoked anyway, even though when I smoked weed from this point on I wouldn't even get high I would just enter a state of pure fear and unexplainable body sensations. It was safe to say that I just couldn't do drugs anymore.

The next part of the story is hard to tell because I don't remember it. A friend I'd met in university randomly got a hold of a bag full of vallium pills, which I had never done, but always assumed they were no big deal, but we would just eat them every day and while in a hazy vallium state we would get into all kinds of shit, formed a band called Electric-Koolade and wrote and recorded loads of random songs that we ended up uploading onto soundcloud, but none of us have any memory of any of them. Anyway, the whole month of march doesn't exist in my memoryand while I don't recall having any panic attacks during this time, I very well could of and not remember. What I do remember is coming down and being insanely depressed and my anxiety (or whatever it is) worsened. Over a period of months meditating and trying to face my demons, forcing myself to smoke hash until i could smoke weed again (I can now smoke weed, but if i take it even a little too far now it can start things off again) and I tried chinese medicine and all sorts of crazy things.
a couple of times I got stupid and would do a psycadelic hoping it would show me a better perspective, but it always made things way worse and start me at the beginning again.

While things a lot better than they were, there are still a lot of things that really concern me. There is still a constant horrible feeling in my left ear, left side of throat and chest that varys in intensity throughout the day that feel so real, but when i went doctors recently and they checked my ear she said everything was fine ( i thought my ear may have been damaged because i had them syringed in december and my left ear took several attempts to clear so I suspected permanant damage), but I knew everything wasnt' fine and I was just hoping she would put some magic medicine in my ear and the feeling would go away but i was wrong. The throat feeling constantly worries me that I have cancer or something equally horrible too. In face nowadays I'm worried about so many things, but they feel sooo real, am I actually dying or is this normal? i feel like I can't relate to anyone.

I don't want to feel like this forever, I feel like I've tried everything. Can this even be cured? Am i going crazy? am i developing something horrible like schizophrenia? I am praying that there is someone that stumbles upon this who was in a similar situation and beat it and can tell me how, because I'm close to just giving up entirely... And I'm not supposed to be like that :(

I made some stupid choices and I'm just praying that it's not too late...

[bernie1977]

Hi There,

I'm wondering if the weed has caused some psychological damage due to long term use. Would you feel comfortable speaking to a drug helpline, maybe you could do that anonymously. I do think you need to speak your GP about this and get a referral to the mental health team otherwise I don't see how this is going to get better for you.

Take care and please speak to someone about this

[swgrl09]

Hey thanks for having the courage to post all of this on here. It takes a lot of guts to be vulnerable and share what you have been through this year.

A few thoughts ...

It is possible that all of this was triggered by the substance use. You were using a lot of different stuff, had a panic attack and a major scare, and then developed anxiety and fear because of it. A lot of times people then go back to drugs to cope with the anxiety and fear. I also think it's telling that when you smoked, you became really fearful and anxious.

Also if you have any kind of substance use issues, you can become anxious and depressed when you are coming off of them. You can have physical symptoms associated with some withdrawal, as well as emotional and mental. I really don't think you are schizophrenic, but just clearing up after a long year of substance abuse.

How long have you been clean from all drugs for - even legal drugs? The substance abuse counselors I work with say that it takes at least 6 months clean off any substances to be able to separate out what symptoms are from sobering up and what symptoms are from a mental health condition. Usually they overlap.

I suggest you get yourself involved with a substance abuse treatment program for support. They can help you understand what is happening right now and how to best cope with it and work through it in a healthy way.

[rydagwopstacker]

Hey thanks for having the courage to post all of this on here. It takes a lot of guts to be vulnerable and share what you have been through this year.

A few thoughts ...

It is possible that all of this was triggered by the substance use. You were using a lot of different stuff, had a panic attack and a major scare, and then developed anxiety and fear because of it. A lot of times people then go back to drugs to cope with the anxiety and fear. I also think it's telling that when you smoked, you became really fearful and anxious.

Also if you have any kind of substance use issues, you can become anxious and depressed when you are coming off of them. You can have physical symptoms associated with some withdrawal, as well as emotional and mental. I really don't think you are schizophrenic, but just clearing up after a long year of substance abuse.

How long have you been clean from all drugs for - even legal drugs? The substance abuse counselors I work with say that it takes at least 6 months clean off any substances to be able to separate out what symptoms are from sobering up and what symptoms are from a mental health condition. Usually they overlap.

I suggest you get yourself involved with a substance abuse treatment program for support. They can help you understand what is happening right now and how to best cope with it and work through it in a healthy way.


Hey, thank you both for your kind words. I haven't touched legal drugs since my second panic attack, so right at the beginning, I especially didn't want to risk things like that when stuff started going down because the long term effects of these legal highs aren't known, so i nipped them in the bud early. same deal with all the others really except weed which I've been having an on/off relationship with. I originally couldn't do it at all and eventually quit for a few weeks, and then I gradually started doing little bits at a time, increasing my use gradually, and now I feel fine when I smoke it, but in moderation. Of course the best course of action logically is to stop altogether, but when you live in a house where everyone else does it and all your friends do, it is difficult to just cease use entirely. I've been struggling registerring with a doctor too. I live in brighton and the only times they've seen me are when I've been rushed to hospital. A couple minor tests were done on me in milton keynes where my family live and where i'm registerred but im never there long enough to get conclusive results on anything :/

[fallingstar]

While things a lot better than they were, there are still a lot of things that really concern me. There is still a constant horrible feeling in my left ear, left side of throat and chest that varys in intensity throughout the day that feel so real, but when i went doctors recently and they checked my ear she said everything was fine ( i thought my ear may have been damaged because i had them syringed in december and my left ear took several attempts to clear so I suspected permanant damage), but I knew everything wasnt' fine and I was just hoping she would put some magic medicine in my ear and the feeling would go away but i was wrong. The throat feeling constantly worries me that I have cancer or something equally horrible too. In face nowadays I'm worried about so many things, but they feel sooo real, am I actually dying or is this normal? i feel like I can't relate to anyone.

I don't want to feel like this forever, I feel like I've tried everything. Can this even be cured? Am i going crazy? am i developing something horrible like schizophrenia? I am praying that there is someone that stumbles upon this who was in a similar situation and beat it and can tell me how, because I'm close to just giving up entirely... And I'm not supposed to be like that :(

I made some stupid choices and I'm just praying that it's not too late...

If your doctor said that everything is fine concerning your ear, etc, try to accept what she's told you. Don't doubt it - I know it's hard but try. I try to keep myself in check (I have awful health anxiety) and it is hard sometimes but it's mainly doable most of the time for me.

You're definitely not going crazy - it's just panic attacks, anxiety, etc. which can make you FEEL like you're going nuts but you're not actually going nuts. As long as you are not talking to walls - or voices. I'm trying to make you smile there lol! But yes, don't worry. We all feel like this!

I too felt like giving up quite a few times in life due to this disorder. I have panic disorder; they diagnose you with that if you have so many panic attacks per day, per blah blah blah etc. Anyway, they diagnosed me with PD. I was not thrilled with the diagnosis. I was in denial and pretty upset for a while. What I've learned though, is it's like a roller coaster. You have your ups and downs. Sometimes the downs are really deep, but you always come back up. What I've done is focus on the good times/periods I have. For example; if I go an entire month okay or half a year relatively okay I am happy. When it hits me again for an hour or day I tend to be okay and brush it off. When it hits me for weeks or months on end, yes I get depressed, sad, etc and I feel like just giving up. But I remember; there was that week or month where hey, I was okay. With anxiety it's all about thinking positively.

And about the MDMA, etc that you did - I can't relate because I never did any of that, nor would I ever. Too anxiety inducing thinking of anything that thought altering put in my body. I've had people tell me how amazing it is but I still could never. I used to smoke quite a bit of weed when I was 18-22. My anxiety started prior and smoking after the diagnosis actually helped at times if it was only a little. I did drink a bit too much after the diagnosis; it temporarily made me feel okay but the hangovers and that anxiety was not worth it - plus drinking unless it's in moderation does not seem smart to me.... especially if you suffer from anxiety - makes it worse. So that's my theory on the drugs too - they may make it worse. Definitely avoid any synthetic or man made drugs and I'd say weed too as a precaution. Not that they'd cause your anxiety necessarily but I don't think they'd help. The more vitamins, minerals and good foods you put in your body the better off you'll be. If your body gets the right things in it it can keep certain pains, bloating, cramps etc away.

You won't feel this way forever. Try to get back to yourself slowly. It's doable. CBT helps (I only ever did a month when I was maybe 21) - I've heard from many it helps. Sometimes medication helps you get back on the right foot too - I've been on my fair share of meds over time. Your GP can help you figure out what's right. You're definitely in the right place on this site for advice, comfort and to relate to others.
Good luck with everything!