damianjmcgrath
29-08-15, 19:11
Hi all,
I've posted a few times on here over the last 12 months, mainly when I've been stressed out about my heart. I normally didn't really listen to the rational replies people gave me - I just wanted to read that other people had it. If I don't feel alone, I feel better.
I've found the most comfort from reading people's experiences with anxiety, so I thought I'd post my history in case other people can identify, get some tips, or maybe give me some tips for making further progress.
Apologies in advance, this may be quite a long post.
-----
History
I've always been an anxious, nervous person, from about the age of 15 onwards. I'm 30 now. At 15, I developed a stomach complaint that no doctor could explain. It was a nauseous feeling constantly, together with shakes, hot flushes, clamminess, and occasional panic. I got scared of being sick around people, so avoided things like going on buses, planes, trains, and I even avoided going to school for a year. I also lost quite a bit of weight - I went down from 11 stone to under 9 in about 6 months. The doctors were concerned but never found anything after loads of tests. This continued for a number of years, until the age of 22 ish.
At that age, I started working full time, and started wanting to do a lot more socially, so I forced myself to ignore the feelings, and somehow they improved to the point where they eventually completely disappeared. I'm still convinced it was a genuine problem, maybe something like irritable bowel syndrome, or a food intolerance as those things are tough to diagnose, but looking back now, it did have a lot of anxiety hallmarks.
Also looking back and analysing it, around the age of 13, my parents got divorced in a slightly messy situation as my father was an alcoholic, and around the age of 18/19, my father passed away from liver disease. I wasn't in touch with him by that point and I didn't actually feel any emotions at all, but perhaps it had a subconscious impact.
Between the ages of 22/23 and 28, I was absolutely fine. Hardly ever ill, full of energy, confident, sociable, I wasn't anxious in the slightest. I actually had no anxiety when most other people would, for example, job interviews, work presentations, driving 8 hours, my wedding day, starting my own company, etc. None of that made me feel any anxiety whatsoever. I was confident in my abilities, and always felt completely calm.
At 26, my uncle was diagnosed with bowel cancer. He pretty much beat it but had to have one final surgery to remove something, and had a heart attack during surgery and passed away. There was a degree of medical malpractice about the case, as some notes weren't added to his record, and he wasn't monitored in the right way so there was a messy court case afterwards. I was close to him, but again, strangely, I don't remember feeling too many emotions. I just thought I wasn't a particularly emotional person, but I'm sure it may have affected me subconsciously.
At about 28, I had my first (and currently, only) child. When she was a few weeks old, my wife had to go into hospital with pancreatitis and gallstones, and was in there for 10 days, during which time, I had to look after the baby on my own. This made me feel a bit scared and anxious, as I had no idea what I was doing, and the crying stressed me out and wound me up. Selfish to say, but I'd never dealt with anything like that so it really got to me very quickly. I'd probably had no real responsibility in my life before.
When my daughter was 1, I started to get my current problems. It started one night with sudden and intense light headedness, and even though I was lying on the living room floor, the room was spinning, and it really freaked me out. I went up to bed, and I couldn't control it. Everything was spinning, I felt hot, and sick, and couldn't eat or drink. I've no idea what it was, but it seemed to have disappeared once I'd slept.
Following that, I started getting chest pains. Started with random stabbing pains for a few seconds, and then developed into heaviness, very fast heart beats, up in the 130/140 range, a general uncomfortable feeling, hot face, sweats, pinching pains down my left arm, dizziness, and a sense of panic. This would happen a few times a week. Stressful situations would bring on the heavy feeling, and the fast heart beats - so my daughter misbehaving, or an argument with my wife.
Over time, this has developed in happening every day, with each day having varying severity. My mood changes when symptomatic, I get grumpy, irritable, and extremely tired. I can't focus on conversations, don't want to get involved in anything, don't want to play, don't want to socialise - I just want to relax in my own way, which normally involves watching TV by myself in the living room, normally sleeping down there on my own, and being around no-one.
Current Symptoms
- Being aware of faster or louder than usual heart beats.
- Heaviness or general uncomfortableness in left shoulder and left upper chest. Sometimes the heaviness extends up to my left side neck, and can cause slight suffocating or choking type feelings.
- Occasional dizziness/light headedness.
- Pinching feelings on the inside of my left arm and in my left hand. Left hand sometimes goes numb for a few seconds.
- Occasional tight pain right in the centre of the chest, pretty much on the bony bit (breast bone, I'm assuming?).
- Overwhelming tiredness. This is different tiredness than usual, it's so tired, it makes me panic. I'm too tired to get up, even coughing requires effort. It feels like it's too much effort to breathe properly! I could easily go asleep at any point of the day.
- Underarm sweating for no apparent reason.
- Clammy hands.
- Right eye twitching for hours at a time, on at least a few days a week. This has been happening for about 3 weeks now.
- A general feeling of shakiness - kind of like someone has just woken you up suddenly, you feel not quite with it, your body is a little shaky and unsure of itself.
- Complete inability to relax at all. I haven't felt relaxed for months.
Many of the symptoms are constant. I don't get panic attacks, I get the constant feelings instead. I've read that Generalised Anxiety is more constant, whereas Health Anxiety tends to be panic attack based. I seem to have GAD but only about my heart. I still don't get anxious about everyday situations such as work - I only ever get anxious/panicky when I think my symptoms are related to my heart. I don't know whether to classify it as health anxiety or GAD.
Doctors opinions:
I have been to see many doctors over the last 2 years and had the following checks:
- Multiple ECGs
- Echocardiogram
- 2 Chest X-Rays
- 3 full blood counts
- 24hr urine test to check for phaeochromocytoma
- Had blood pressure and pulse checked many times.
- Thyroid and kidney function check
- Multiple finger prick blood sugar checks, and a Hba1c 3-month average blood sugar blood test.
Every check has come back absolutely fine. I have a 24hr ECG holter test scheduled in for 3 weeks time, but the doctors expect it to be fine.
The doctors have diagnosed me with anxiety and prescribed propanonol, which I haven't started to take yet.
What Have I done to help myself:
To start with, I got myself a few home tests, so I could monitor my results when I felt worse so I could tell the doctors. I got a blood pressure/pulse machine, a blood sugar finger prick testing kit, and the doctor actually gave me a AliveCor handheld ECG machine. Taking my own checks gave me some reassurance when I felt bad, because I could see the results weren't too bad. I always assumed that if I thought I was having a heart attack, my blood pressure and pulse would be unusual, so when they weren't, it reassured me.
I also joined this forum, and looked up anything I could think of online. I looked up food intolerances (I cut gluten out thinking it might help), acid reflux, costochronditis, and any number of different things.
Obviously, with hindsight, I shouldn't have done any of that, as I was feeding the anxiety long term.
I was fortunate enough to be able to attend a 6 week group CBT course, and then a 12 week individual CBT sessions. They have slowly made me realise my symptoms are probably anxiety related, which is a good place to be mentally. With this knowledge, the panic doesn't quite rise up as quickly. However, I have to say, the CBT hasn't reduced my symptoms. I haven't particularly done all of my homework - for example, I'm meant to keep a thought record and I'm meant to practice deep breathing exercises, but I struggled to do it. I tried for a few days, saw no difference, and stopped. My impatience doesn't help me. I also keep thinking that CBT is a bit "fluffy" and "conceptual". It doesn't feel like science. It feels homeopathic. Personally, I didn't really get on with the whole record my feelings thing. I should give it a bigger chance though. I have all of the paperwork so I can re-do the exercises anytime.
I also tried hypnotherapy and had 12 sessions. Again, not much impact, and my symptoms are still here, although my wife reckons I feel better for 1-2 days afterwards.
I am intending on trying mindfulness meditation (need to get past my mental block about that), and yoga to help me relax.
I have also started exercising. I am doing the NHS' Couch to 5K programme and I'm on week 4. I'm finding it really hard, and I sweat a huge amount afterwards, even with the small runs. This brings my anxieties back because of my fast heart, and I think I get some shaky muscle spasms, which worries me too. I'm sticking at it though.
I also read a few books that have really helped me rationalise my symptoms to my black-and-white head, and helped me accept it's anxiety.
Books:
- Hyperventilation Syndrome: Breathing Pattern Disorders and How to Overcome Them by Dinah Bradley
- The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne
- Hardcore Self Help: F**k Anxiety by Robert Duff
- Making Friends with Anxiety: A warm, supportive little book to ease worry and panic by Sarah Rayner
- At Last A Life by Paul David
- It's Not All in Your Head: How Worrying about Your Health Could Be Making You Sick--and What You Can Do about It by Gordon J. G. Asmundson
- The Worry Cure: Stop worrying and start living by Robert L Leahy
- Stop Worrying About Your Health!: How to Quit Obsessing About Symptoms and Feel Better Now - Second Edition by George D. Zgourides
- Conquering Health Anxiety: How To Break Free From The Hypochondria Trap by Darren Sims
I've found the At Last a Life one the most useful so far, and the Robert Duff book is actually refreshingly blunt and quite easy to remember during panicky moments.
Where I Am Now
I'm still struggling every day, although I'm managing to ignore it more than I used to. I can ignore the pains and aches, but I'm really struggling to ignore the overwhelming symptoms like light headedness and tiredness. They cause panic, and I really don't know how to stop them. The tiredness makes me grumpy and irritable and that's affecting my family life. I still avoid some social situations in fear of feeling bad and not being able to relax in my own ways. I don't think I like situations that make me feel trapped, such as a meal with family, as it's tough to just leave. There's probably a bit of embarrassment too.
I have reached the position of accepting it's anxiety rather than a heart condition though, and for me, that's really good progress. Obviously, during the most intense periods, a heart problem does still concern me, but that's less common. That normally only happens after my exercising, because I get concerned that I've stressed my heart out, but since I get no symptoms while exercising, I'm convinced myself I must be OK.
I've started taking steps to confront the anxiety. My job was relatively easy and comfortable and I had a lot of safety blankets there. I could leave anytime, lived 5 mins away and had friends that knew my situation. Last Friday, I decided to not renew my contract there, and get a new job elsewhere. The new job is better for my future prospects, so it's the right decision, but a few months ago, the anxiety would have kept me in the old job, just to feel safer. This is a big deal for me, and I start the new job in a few days. I'm sure I'll feel anxious and it won't seem like the right decision, but I'm determined to make the right decisions without anxiety playing a part.
The reasons I've always struggled to accept anxiety as a diagnosis is that I hardly ever feel anxious. I sometimes feel panicky, but my symptoms just make me feel bad. I've read that anxiety can be caused by two things - cognitively caused (i.e., caused by thoughts), or somatization caused (caused by physical sensations). I've definitely got the second one. I'm not anxious at all until symptoms present themselves.
My wife is understanding to a point, but commonly gets annoyed with me, which makes me feel a bit worse. I do struggle with my daughter as she saps my energy very quickly, and I know I go from zero to super-stressed very quickly.
If I had to guess, I'd say my nerves were on edge for the first year of her life, and now they are sensitized and every little thing sets me off.
What's next:
My current approach is to ignore it, or recognise the symptoms exist, but chalk them up to anxiety and trust they won't hurt me. I might try the propanonol in a few weeks as the doctor is really recommending that. I don't really know what other therapies would help - maybe a session on Mindfulness. I have stopped doing all forms of checking, and I probably should stop reading the books or even checking this forum, but I'm not quite there yet. I might look into some anxiety podcasts and see what I think of them.
I'm exercising, eating well, and trying my hardest and hopefully I'll see some results soon. I'd really like to find out what caused it in the first place but I think that'll be impossible.
I'm always keen to read people's tips, advice, comments, or anything like that.
I don't know if this ramble was useful in any way to anyone, but I enjoy reading people's histories, so hopefully others will find some nuggets of good information in here.
Thanks for reading - if anyone wants to PM me or anything, feel free :D
I've posted a few times on here over the last 12 months, mainly when I've been stressed out about my heart. I normally didn't really listen to the rational replies people gave me - I just wanted to read that other people had it. If I don't feel alone, I feel better.
I've found the most comfort from reading people's experiences with anxiety, so I thought I'd post my history in case other people can identify, get some tips, or maybe give me some tips for making further progress.
Apologies in advance, this may be quite a long post.
-----
History
I've always been an anxious, nervous person, from about the age of 15 onwards. I'm 30 now. At 15, I developed a stomach complaint that no doctor could explain. It was a nauseous feeling constantly, together with shakes, hot flushes, clamminess, and occasional panic. I got scared of being sick around people, so avoided things like going on buses, planes, trains, and I even avoided going to school for a year. I also lost quite a bit of weight - I went down from 11 stone to under 9 in about 6 months. The doctors were concerned but never found anything after loads of tests. This continued for a number of years, until the age of 22 ish.
At that age, I started working full time, and started wanting to do a lot more socially, so I forced myself to ignore the feelings, and somehow they improved to the point where they eventually completely disappeared. I'm still convinced it was a genuine problem, maybe something like irritable bowel syndrome, or a food intolerance as those things are tough to diagnose, but looking back now, it did have a lot of anxiety hallmarks.
Also looking back and analysing it, around the age of 13, my parents got divorced in a slightly messy situation as my father was an alcoholic, and around the age of 18/19, my father passed away from liver disease. I wasn't in touch with him by that point and I didn't actually feel any emotions at all, but perhaps it had a subconscious impact.
Between the ages of 22/23 and 28, I was absolutely fine. Hardly ever ill, full of energy, confident, sociable, I wasn't anxious in the slightest. I actually had no anxiety when most other people would, for example, job interviews, work presentations, driving 8 hours, my wedding day, starting my own company, etc. None of that made me feel any anxiety whatsoever. I was confident in my abilities, and always felt completely calm.
At 26, my uncle was diagnosed with bowel cancer. He pretty much beat it but had to have one final surgery to remove something, and had a heart attack during surgery and passed away. There was a degree of medical malpractice about the case, as some notes weren't added to his record, and he wasn't monitored in the right way so there was a messy court case afterwards. I was close to him, but again, strangely, I don't remember feeling too many emotions. I just thought I wasn't a particularly emotional person, but I'm sure it may have affected me subconsciously.
At about 28, I had my first (and currently, only) child. When she was a few weeks old, my wife had to go into hospital with pancreatitis and gallstones, and was in there for 10 days, during which time, I had to look after the baby on my own. This made me feel a bit scared and anxious, as I had no idea what I was doing, and the crying stressed me out and wound me up. Selfish to say, but I'd never dealt with anything like that so it really got to me very quickly. I'd probably had no real responsibility in my life before.
When my daughter was 1, I started to get my current problems. It started one night with sudden and intense light headedness, and even though I was lying on the living room floor, the room was spinning, and it really freaked me out. I went up to bed, and I couldn't control it. Everything was spinning, I felt hot, and sick, and couldn't eat or drink. I've no idea what it was, but it seemed to have disappeared once I'd slept.
Following that, I started getting chest pains. Started with random stabbing pains for a few seconds, and then developed into heaviness, very fast heart beats, up in the 130/140 range, a general uncomfortable feeling, hot face, sweats, pinching pains down my left arm, dizziness, and a sense of panic. This would happen a few times a week. Stressful situations would bring on the heavy feeling, and the fast heart beats - so my daughter misbehaving, or an argument with my wife.
Over time, this has developed in happening every day, with each day having varying severity. My mood changes when symptomatic, I get grumpy, irritable, and extremely tired. I can't focus on conversations, don't want to get involved in anything, don't want to play, don't want to socialise - I just want to relax in my own way, which normally involves watching TV by myself in the living room, normally sleeping down there on my own, and being around no-one.
Current Symptoms
- Being aware of faster or louder than usual heart beats.
- Heaviness or general uncomfortableness in left shoulder and left upper chest. Sometimes the heaviness extends up to my left side neck, and can cause slight suffocating or choking type feelings.
- Occasional dizziness/light headedness.
- Pinching feelings on the inside of my left arm and in my left hand. Left hand sometimes goes numb for a few seconds.
- Occasional tight pain right in the centre of the chest, pretty much on the bony bit (breast bone, I'm assuming?).
- Overwhelming tiredness. This is different tiredness than usual, it's so tired, it makes me panic. I'm too tired to get up, even coughing requires effort. It feels like it's too much effort to breathe properly! I could easily go asleep at any point of the day.
- Underarm sweating for no apparent reason.
- Clammy hands.
- Right eye twitching for hours at a time, on at least a few days a week. This has been happening for about 3 weeks now.
- A general feeling of shakiness - kind of like someone has just woken you up suddenly, you feel not quite with it, your body is a little shaky and unsure of itself.
- Complete inability to relax at all. I haven't felt relaxed for months.
Many of the symptoms are constant. I don't get panic attacks, I get the constant feelings instead. I've read that Generalised Anxiety is more constant, whereas Health Anxiety tends to be panic attack based. I seem to have GAD but only about my heart. I still don't get anxious about everyday situations such as work - I only ever get anxious/panicky when I think my symptoms are related to my heart. I don't know whether to classify it as health anxiety or GAD.
Doctors opinions:
I have been to see many doctors over the last 2 years and had the following checks:
- Multiple ECGs
- Echocardiogram
- 2 Chest X-Rays
- 3 full blood counts
- 24hr urine test to check for phaeochromocytoma
- Had blood pressure and pulse checked many times.
- Thyroid and kidney function check
- Multiple finger prick blood sugar checks, and a Hba1c 3-month average blood sugar blood test.
Every check has come back absolutely fine. I have a 24hr ECG holter test scheduled in for 3 weeks time, but the doctors expect it to be fine.
The doctors have diagnosed me with anxiety and prescribed propanonol, which I haven't started to take yet.
What Have I done to help myself:
To start with, I got myself a few home tests, so I could monitor my results when I felt worse so I could tell the doctors. I got a blood pressure/pulse machine, a blood sugar finger prick testing kit, and the doctor actually gave me a AliveCor handheld ECG machine. Taking my own checks gave me some reassurance when I felt bad, because I could see the results weren't too bad. I always assumed that if I thought I was having a heart attack, my blood pressure and pulse would be unusual, so when they weren't, it reassured me.
I also joined this forum, and looked up anything I could think of online. I looked up food intolerances (I cut gluten out thinking it might help), acid reflux, costochronditis, and any number of different things.
Obviously, with hindsight, I shouldn't have done any of that, as I was feeding the anxiety long term.
I was fortunate enough to be able to attend a 6 week group CBT course, and then a 12 week individual CBT sessions. They have slowly made me realise my symptoms are probably anxiety related, which is a good place to be mentally. With this knowledge, the panic doesn't quite rise up as quickly. However, I have to say, the CBT hasn't reduced my symptoms. I haven't particularly done all of my homework - for example, I'm meant to keep a thought record and I'm meant to practice deep breathing exercises, but I struggled to do it. I tried for a few days, saw no difference, and stopped. My impatience doesn't help me. I also keep thinking that CBT is a bit "fluffy" and "conceptual". It doesn't feel like science. It feels homeopathic. Personally, I didn't really get on with the whole record my feelings thing. I should give it a bigger chance though. I have all of the paperwork so I can re-do the exercises anytime.
I also tried hypnotherapy and had 12 sessions. Again, not much impact, and my symptoms are still here, although my wife reckons I feel better for 1-2 days afterwards.
I am intending on trying mindfulness meditation (need to get past my mental block about that), and yoga to help me relax.
I have also started exercising. I am doing the NHS' Couch to 5K programme and I'm on week 4. I'm finding it really hard, and I sweat a huge amount afterwards, even with the small runs. This brings my anxieties back because of my fast heart, and I think I get some shaky muscle spasms, which worries me too. I'm sticking at it though.
I also read a few books that have really helped me rationalise my symptoms to my black-and-white head, and helped me accept it's anxiety.
Books:
- Hyperventilation Syndrome: Breathing Pattern Disorders and How to Overcome Them by Dinah Bradley
- The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne
- Hardcore Self Help: F**k Anxiety by Robert Duff
- Making Friends with Anxiety: A warm, supportive little book to ease worry and panic by Sarah Rayner
- At Last A Life by Paul David
- It's Not All in Your Head: How Worrying about Your Health Could Be Making You Sick--and What You Can Do about It by Gordon J. G. Asmundson
- The Worry Cure: Stop worrying and start living by Robert L Leahy
- Stop Worrying About Your Health!: How to Quit Obsessing About Symptoms and Feel Better Now - Second Edition by George D. Zgourides
- Conquering Health Anxiety: How To Break Free From The Hypochondria Trap by Darren Sims
I've found the At Last a Life one the most useful so far, and the Robert Duff book is actually refreshingly blunt and quite easy to remember during panicky moments.
Where I Am Now
I'm still struggling every day, although I'm managing to ignore it more than I used to. I can ignore the pains and aches, but I'm really struggling to ignore the overwhelming symptoms like light headedness and tiredness. They cause panic, and I really don't know how to stop them. The tiredness makes me grumpy and irritable and that's affecting my family life. I still avoid some social situations in fear of feeling bad and not being able to relax in my own ways. I don't think I like situations that make me feel trapped, such as a meal with family, as it's tough to just leave. There's probably a bit of embarrassment too.
I have reached the position of accepting it's anxiety rather than a heart condition though, and for me, that's really good progress. Obviously, during the most intense periods, a heart problem does still concern me, but that's less common. That normally only happens after my exercising, because I get concerned that I've stressed my heart out, but since I get no symptoms while exercising, I'm convinced myself I must be OK.
I've started taking steps to confront the anxiety. My job was relatively easy and comfortable and I had a lot of safety blankets there. I could leave anytime, lived 5 mins away and had friends that knew my situation. Last Friday, I decided to not renew my contract there, and get a new job elsewhere. The new job is better for my future prospects, so it's the right decision, but a few months ago, the anxiety would have kept me in the old job, just to feel safer. This is a big deal for me, and I start the new job in a few days. I'm sure I'll feel anxious and it won't seem like the right decision, but I'm determined to make the right decisions without anxiety playing a part.
The reasons I've always struggled to accept anxiety as a diagnosis is that I hardly ever feel anxious. I sometimes feel panicky, but my symptoms just make me feel bad. I've read that anxiety can be caused by two things - cognitively caused (i.e., caused by thoughts), or somatization caused (caused by physical sensations). I've definitely got the second one. I'm not anxious at all until symptoms present themselves.
My wife is understanding to a point, but commonly gets annoyed with me, which makes me feel a bit worse. I do struggle with my daughter as she saps my energy very quickly, and I know I go from zero to super-stressed very quickly.
If I had to guess, I'd say my nerves were on edge for the first year of her life, and now they are sensitized and every little thing sets me off.
What's next:
My current approach is to ignore it, or recognise the symptoms exist, but chalk them up to anxiety and trust they won't hurt me. I might try the propanonol in a few weeks as the doctor is really recommending that. I don't really know what other therapies would help - maybe a session on Mindfulness. I have stopped doing all forms of checking, and I probably should stop reading the books or even checking this forum, but I'm not quite there yet. I might look into some anxiety podcasts and see what I think of them.
I'm exercising, eating well, and trying my hardest and hopefully I'll see some results soon. I'd really like to find out what caused it in the first place but I think that'll be impossible.
I'm always keen to read people's tips, advice, comments, or anything like that.
I don't know if this ramble was useful in any way to anyone, but I enjoy reading people's histories, so hopefully others will find some nuggets of good information in here.
Thanks for reading - if anyone wants to PM me or anything, feel free :D