Mike1970
31-08-15, 11:50
I don't know what to do, I'm so unhappy. I just want this horrible life to be over. Nobody cares about me apart from my wife and the rest will soon forget me or celebrate my death and say at long bloody last. I will soon be forgot and why on earth would I want to struggle from one day to the next knowing most people would want me dead or out of Georgie's life, she ain't going to get better until I'm dead and it hurts me knowing I've done this to her. It feels like emotional abuse and it destroys me thinking that. I so want to die today but for some reason I'm not feeling so brave. I'm scared of not succeeding and I'm scared that there is a chance of recovery and I will be better eventually so I would be mad to throw that chance away. The thing is I ain't got the time. I'm so depressed and just have no fight left. What feels like a minute to someone, feels like an eternity to me. It feels like times going backwards and it's such a massive struggle trying to make it go forward. I just ain't got the time for myself and I can no longer do this to my wife. I want to be happy but I think I'm way past that possibility of that ever happening again. I'm told it takes time, I ain't got time and how much time are they talking about. I don't have an eternity of wanting to carry on torturing myself and living in this godforsaken hell. I just want out and so wished I could go to dignitas and be put to a peaceful sleep. I'm not strong enough for this world and society don't want anybody that are weak and not able to get up, look after themselves and go out and work and earn their own money. I can't see me working for a long time and that's if I'm lucky to work at all. I don't want to wait around for society to push me under. It seems the logical thing to do now is to end it and stop being a drain on society and on my wife's mental state. I do want to be independent and hold my head up high but it just ain't going to happen. I'm just going to push Me and my wife further down a slippery road and in debt, in turn losing this flat and being in a financial mess. I'm just not strong enough. I want life just to disappear and me to be at peace for an eternity and hopefully be along side my dad in heaven if they allow me in. Please take this away, I can't carry on living like this anymore. Let me be at peace if I can't be helped. Don't let me be tortured daily if I've not got a fighting chance. I just want to sleep for ever and never wake up. I can't live like this anymore and also I can't allow my wife to live like this anymore. I'm so exhausted, so so exhausted, please god let me sleep forever. The world is against me, it's my thought and I allowed it to get to this state of no return. People just don't see a chance for me and I'm just a drain on them or a drain on their resources. I want to be saved so badly but don't know if I have the strength anymore to be saved. I'm so sorry to the people that do love me and have tried to help me. I feel selfish for thinking like this to the people that want me to be happy and live. Sorry!!!
Below is what my wife Georgie wrote.
Monday 31 August 2015.
Mike has been having mood swings. Sometimes his mood can stay the same for minutes or hours. His moods can change so quick. One minute laughing next he is in deep depression. He may be positive, thinking about his/our future. Next it's suicidal thoughts. Mike tells me he does want to live. It could be minutes or an hour and Mikes mood changes and he didn't want to live anymore. Mike can be irritable and snappy. Then later saying sorry because he doesn't want to hurt me. But he doesn't hurt me. I do understand.
When Mike talks about our future, I know money worries him. Keeping the flat, paying all the maintenance bills etc. we know it can be a lot of money. Because it can be a lot of money, Mike constantly worries that we will lose the flat and have little or no money. I know it scares Mike, it does me too. All I can do is try and reassure him.
Mike is in constant distress thinking no one cares. And we would be better off without him. No one would go to his funeral. His family doesn't care if he lives or dies. Mike feels they are just waiting for him to die. Mike listens to a song about Beachy Head. About suicide. Mike is also constantly looking at videos, blogs, Google, web page etc. The web pages are about suicide how to do it, what works, what doesn't work, what is most and less pain. Where to go. I find it distressing that Mike is looking and researching these things. It saddens and worries me, that Mike is reading these pages and he is thinking about it. He is on number 8/10 on the suicidal scale. As I understand it's not an open threat. Because Mike has done it before. It's not a matter of "if" but "when and where" I hope and pray everyday that Mike gets the help and support he needs. And quick before the hour glass runs out of sand.
Mike is my life. I can't imagine my life without Mike in it. Or if I can live without him. When Mike was taken in to Maidstone hospital on the Tuesday 16 June 2015. My world fell apart. I had no routine, no proper meals. Just lived off crisps and sweets, my sister did look after me. She did pick me up and cook for me, and one night I stayed at hers. I had a couple of panic attacks when I thought of living the rest of my life alone. Because if I haven't got Mike, I don't want anyone else. We will be married 2 years come September 28 2015. I am only 34 and Mike is only 45. Too young to die, too young to be a widow. I want Mike and I to grow old together.
When Mike went into hospital 16 June 2015, he had an horrendous time. But it is what needed to be done. Mike wasn't safe at home. When Mike came home, he told me where he had pills hidden. I found 7 packets!! A few days later Mike gave me another 5 packets!! That he had hidden. Mike had planned to do it again. And succeed. I cried, and I asked Mike if he had "any more tablets" Mike answered "no". I was pleased he gave them to me. But saddened that he had them. It does play on my mind if he has another stash of tablets. Because Mike is on a lot of medication, and I guess he could take a fatal dose of any of them. I do control Mike's medication, but like the last lot of pills he had, he can hide them and I wouldn't notice. And he could end his life any time. Mike said he is more likely to jump off Beachy head. Every day I live with this anguish. We do respect each other's privacy, so I would have never of found them.
Mike did say that "if we had a baby he would have more to live for, more to fight for " I don't feel like an complete woman. I feel like a big part of me is missing. And that's giving Mike a baby. Few years back when we were going for I.V.F we could have coped. Then his sister makes a sick allegation, and the distress and anxiety I gained 2 and half 3 stone plus, I lost for treatment. Weight loss is so hard. No one seems to understand the pain I have because I can't become a mum. Mike would have been a wonderful dad. And I've taken that from him. It hurts and really frustrates me when people go on about our options. Also hurts when my sister offers to carry a baby for me. And she got offended when I said "no". Being pregnant is amazing, breastfeeding etc, is all I've ever wanted. It's like when I tell people I wouldn't be able to breastfeed and how sad I feel. I get no care or empathy I just get told well you bottle feed. But they are missing the point. There is no comparison to my pain. I know if you can have kids, you will never understand. Its complicated. I know it hurts Mike too. He say no it's ok, we wouldn't cope with all going on, but i am sure he only tells me that to stop me worrying. I feel useless. Mike say's I would be better off without him, no way. But maybe he will be better off without me?
Mike is in constant pain, and distress with his skin. He went to London hospital on the 26 August 2015. And was diagnosed with having "Urticaria" And his nose they said there is nerve damage, damage to the lining, and damaged receptors. No cure for either. Mike has been told he will have to find ways of coping. They have offered specialist counselling. It's just the waiting game again. All this keeps pulling Mike down. And he tells me he hasn't got the strength to fight any more. And I am not enough for him. He needs more support. I feel so useless, and helpless. I wish I could take away all the problems. I feel like a snow ball rolling down a hill, getting bigger all the time.
Mike also suffers with night terrors. He screams out in the night at least 2/3 times if not more. One night he screamed out 5 times. I don't touch Mike. I gently say his name till he answers me. Mike has had one or two good nights. But most of the time he doesn't sleep well. He either can't breath because of his nose closing or his throat closing, getting tight. Or he is in horrendous pain with his skin. He tells me it's like being stung with hundreds of stinging nettles. The rashes are horrendous too. Mike has been keeping a photo record of them. The rashes seem to be getting worse.
I know Mike suffered with mental Health problems at the beginning, since I've known him. But the physical problems have made it so much harder to cope. The pain and the distress is getting too much for Mike to cope with.
Below is what my wife Georgie wrote.
Monday 31 August 2015.
Mike has been having mood swings. Sometimes his mood can stay the same for minutes or hours. His moods can change so quick. One minute laughing next he is in deep depression. He may be positive, thinking about his/our future. Next it's suicidal thoughts. Mike tells me he does want to live. It could be minutes or an hour and Mikes mood changes and he didn't want to live anymore. Mike can be irritable and snappy. Then later saying sorry because he doesn't want to hurt me. But he doesn't hurt me. I do understand.
When Mike talks about our future, I know money worries him. Keeping the flat, paying all the maintenance bills etc. we know it can be a lot of money. Because it can be a lot of money, Mike constantly worries that we will lose the flat and have little or no money. I know it scares Mike, it does me too. All I can do is try and reassure him.
Mike is in constant distress thinking no one cares. And we would be better off without him. No one would go to his funeral. His family doesn't care if he lives or dies. Mike feels they are just waiting for him to die. Mike listens to a song about Beachy Head. About suicide. Mike is also constantly looking at videos, blogs, Google, web page etc. The web pages are about suicide how to do it, what works, what doesn't work, what is most and less pain. Where to go. I find it distressing that Mike is looking and researching these things. It saddens and worries me, that Mike is reading these pages and he is thinking about it. He is on number 8/10 on the suicidal scale. As I understand it's not an open threat. Because Mike has done it before. It's not a matter of "if" but "when and where" I hope and pray everyday that Mike gets the help and support he needs. And quick before the hour glass runs out of sand.
Mike is my life. I can't imagine my life without Mike in it. Or if I can live without him. When Mike was taken in to Maidstone hospital on the Tuesday 16 June 2015. My world fell apart. I had no routine, no proper meals. Just lived off crisps and sweets, my sister did look after me. She did pick me up and cook for me, and one night I stayed at hers. I had a couple of panic attacks when I thought of living the rest of my life alone. Because if I haven't got Mike, I don't want anyone else. We will be married 2 years come September 28 2015. I am only 34 and Mike is only 45. Too young to die, too young to be a widow. I want Mike and I to grow old together.
When Mike went into hospital 16 June 2015, he had an horrendous time. But it is what needed to be done. Mike wasn't safe at home. When Mike came home, he told me where he had pills hidden. I found 7 packets!! A few days later Mike gave me another 5 packets!! That he had hidden. Mike had planned to do it again. And succeed. I cried, and I asked Mike if he had "any more tablets" Mike answered "no". I was pleased he gave them to me. But saddened that he had them. It does play on my mind if he has another stash of tablets. Because Mike is on a lot of medication, and I guess he could take a fatal dose of any of them. I do control Mike's medication, but like the last lot of pills he had, he can hide them and I wouldn't notice. And he could end his life any time. Mike said he is more likely to jump off Beachy head. Every day I live with this anguish. We do respect each other's privacy, so I would have never of found them.
Mike did say that "if we had a baby he would have more to live for, more to fight for " I don't feel like an complete woman. I feel like a big part of me is missing. And that's giving Mike a baby. Few years back when we were going for I.V.F we could have coped. Then his sister makes a sick allegation, and the distress and anxiety I gained 2 and half 3 stone plus, I lost for treatment. Weight loss is so hard. No one seems to understand the pain I have because I can't become a mum. Mike would have been a wonderful dad. And I've taken that from him. It hurts and really frustrates me when people go on about our options. Also hurts when my sister offers to carry a baby for me. And she got offended when I said "no". Being pregnant is amazing, breastfeeding etc, is all I've ever wanted. It's like when I tell people I wouldn't be able to breastfeed and how sad I feel. I get no care or empathy I just get told well you bottle feed. But they are missing the point. There is no comparison to my pain. I know if you can have kids, you will never understand. Its complicated. I know it hurts Mike too. He say no it's ok, we wouldn't cope with all going on, but i am sure he only tells me that to stop me worrying. I feel useless. Mike say's I would be better off without him, no way. But maybe he will be better off without me?
Mike is in constant pain, and distress with his skin. He went to London hospital on the 26 August 2015. And was diagnosed with having "Urticaria" And his nose they said there is nerve damage, damage to the lining, and damaged receptors. No cure for either. Mike has been told he will have to find ways of coping. They have offered specialist counselling. It's just the waiting game again. All this keeps pulling Mike down. And he tells me he hasn't got the strength to fight any more. And I am not enough for him. He needs more support. I feel so useless, and helpless. I wish I could take away all the problems. I feel like a snow ball rolling down a hill, getting bigger all the time.
Mike also suffers with night terrors. He screams out in the night at least 2/3 times if not more. One night he screamed out 5 times. I don't touch Mike. I gently say his name till he answers me. Mike has had one or two good nights. But most of the time he doesn't sleep well. He either can't breath because of his nose closing or his throat closing, getting tight. Or he is in horrendous pain with his skin. He tells me it's like being stung with hundreds of stinging nettles. The rashes are horrendous too. Mike has been keeping a photo record of them. The rashes seem to be getting worse.
I know Mike suffered with mental Health problems at the beginning, since I've known him. But the physical problems have made it so much harder to cope. The pain and the distress is getting too much for Mike to cope with.