Sudden anxiety/confusion towards relationship

[Wheelsinmotion]

Hello all,

Where to even begin?

I'm 27 years old and I'm currently about 3 and a half months into a relationship. We've been talking for almost a year and aside from a couple of bumps in the road which have always been resolved quickly, we've been extremely happy. We are the same age, only live one hour away from each other and even share the same rare congenital disability (we are both wheelchair users).

Our relationship has always been very intense. Full of romance, affection, and although early days, have openly talked about our hopes and dreams for the future, and this has always filled me with such happiness and joy. I felt so sure that this was the right thing for me and that all my dreams would come true with this girl and that I truly loved her. I've even taken back up wheelchair basketball after a few years away from the sport, and moved to a team that's only a few miles away from her so I could see her more often.

There are some issues right now with seeing each other on a regular basis, unfortunately. Her Mum is not onboard with the relationship right now as she worries about her, as she is only about 1 and a half years removed from a long-term relationship where she moved up to Newcastle and it didn't work out and caused issues. While she hasn't stopped us from seeing each other as we're both adults, she does worry about her daughter which is understandable, it's frustrating as it's severely limited the amount of times we get to see each other, and we've had to meet secretly on a few occasions. Despite my disability, I am able to drive.

However today I've felt sudden confusion over our relationship. We've had a couple of light arguments recently and I felt at times a little neglected, but it wasn't a big deal and while we did argue, we resolved it, and I honestly felt like I was slightly in the wrong on this occasion, but she made extra effort to be loving and affectionate and it felt great. But for absolutely no reason, I couldn't get to sleep last night, and I've been feeling extremely anxious and confused about my feelings towards her and the relationship despite being so sure of everything even as close as a couple of days ago. I'm petrified as I've never felt this kind of anxiety before, and it's come on VERY suddenly. While there have been frustrations at times, I never questioned my feelings for her, and felt extremely happy and positive about the future going forward, perhaps a little too much by wanting too much, too soon, but it hadn't caused friction as we've generally been on the same page for everything.

I can't switch my mind off, and all loving emotions I had towards her I just can't seem to ignite again, and I feel absolutely lost and confused, despite the fact I felt so sure and so in love with her just a couple of days ago. Unfortunately, communication isn't always easy with her, and please do not take this as me being nasty towards her as that's not my intention at all, but she's an extremely sensitive person and conveying how I feel right now would just be a complete disaster and would cause extreme upset.

She's aware something hasn't been right for a couple of days and it has caused her worry and stress which makes me feel like an absolutely horrible person, and for now I've had to assure her that everything is alright and that I'm just extremely tired and feeling very ill. While this is partly true, I don't want to tell her exactly how I feel incase I feel differently in the next day or two. We've spoken at length today and had some very up and down conversations, going from arguing to talking happily and positively, back to her worrying and stressing. Even now while she's let me go to get some rest, she's messaging me a lot on whatsapp with very mixed messages and is extremely worried about our relationship right now. She made me an very sweet video this morning which made me extremely emotional and absolutely wracked with guilt for suddenly doubting my feelings for her.

I can't switch my mind off and go to sleep at all and my negative, anxious and confused feelings haven't disappeared at all. We normally spend hours and hours talking, and the thought of talking to her again tonight and trying to pretend everything is ok just fills me with more and more guilt and worry. I'm scared of being alone and losing everything that we've built so far, and I'm scared as to why I suddenly feel completely devoid of love towards her and confusion as to whether I want to be with her or not. I'm not exaggerating when I say literally 2 days ago I felt so much love and happiness for her and our relationship.

I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. We are meant to be seeing each other on Sunday and while I don't want to end things with her when I've only been feeling like this for such a short time, the thought of trying to get to Sunday while feeling like this fills me with dread.

I am extremely tired, my heart is constantly racing, I can't sleep at all and I cant eat properly. I don't understand why I feel this way so suddenly and without warning, and I just want my old feelings to come back for her because I felt true, genuine happiness beforehand. :( Please help. :(

I have suffered anxiety and stress before when I was younger, but these current feelings are pretty alien to me. :(

[Oosh]

It sounds like a case of self doubt to me. I think rather than not having feelings for her anymore what you are feeling is the numbness and anxiety that doubt brings with it.

It's very common, a suggestion that disturbs you. It can be over anything -
What if I don't love her
What if I'm this
What if I hurt this person
What if I have this

All suggestions born out of self doubt that bring anxiety and numbness.

You loved her a few days ago. I'm pretty sure you still do.

What I do when I have these is suggest/ask other things to myself and create scenarios in my mind to evoke different emotions towards the person.
What if she was in danger ?
Would you be there helping ?
Can you remember times when she has been nice to you, been there for you ?
Is she in some ways similar to you ?
Are you two the same ?
Relationships have ups and downs, would you like to see you two still there for each other at the end of all of those ups and downs ?
How does it make you feel picturing her alone after you two break up ?
Etc etc etc

For me it just helps to try and remember. Doubt can just be a brief idea. Take a look at it, decide you don't agree with it and continue back on the thread you were on.

I say stick with it and you'll find your way back to how you really feel. Learn to recognise the episodes of self doubt and let them come and go. It will feel fantastic when you are in the moment with her one day soon and you get "it" again and remember how you feel towards her. Things can fall back into place when you look away from them.

And remember, this episode wouldn't have shaken you so much if it didn't mean everything to you. These disturbing doubts come about the things that would hurt us the most.

[Wheelsinmotion]

It sounds like a case of self doubt to me. I think rather than not having feelings for her anymore what you are feeling is the numbness and anxiety that doubt brings with it.

It's very common, a suggestion that disturbs you. It can be over anything -
What if I don't love her
What if I'm this
What if I hurt this person
What if I have this

All suggestions born out of self doubt that bring anxiety and numbness.

You loved her a few days ago. I'm pretty sure you still do.

What I do when I have these is suggest/ask other things to myself and create scenarios in my mind to evoke different emotions towards the person.
What if she was in danger ?
Would you be there helping ?
Can you remember times when she has been nice to you, been there for you ?
Is she in some ways similar to you ?
Are you two the same ?
Relationships have ups and downs, would you like to see you two still there for each other at the end of all of those ups and downs ?
How does it make you feel picturing her alone after you two break up ?
Etc etc etc

For me it just helps to try and remember. Doubt can just be a brief idea. Take a look at it, decide you don't agree with it and continue back on the thread you were on.

I say stick with it and you'll find your way back to how you really feel. Learn to recognise the episodes of self doubt and let them come and go. It will feel fantastic when you are in the moment with her one day soon and you get "it" again and remember how you feel towards her. Things can fall back into place when you look away from them.

And remember, this episode wouldn't have shaken you so much if it didn't mean everything to you. These disturbing doubts come about the things that would hurt us the most.

Thanks for your post.

Unfortunately I don't feel any better at all today, and after a talk with her we've decided to break up. She hasn't taken it well understandably, but is supportive of me that I need to perhaps talk to somebody asap. I didn't feel it was right to try and force fake happiness and keep trying to paint over the cracks that were forming. She's still there for me and while heartbroken which makes me feel horrible, seems to want to stay in my life.

I don't feel any better after the breakup, but I don't necessarily feel worse either, I just feel the exact same lost and confused feelings and complete uncertainty as to why I feel like this with little prior warning other than some arguments, and her occasional narcissism and me feeling like I have to apologize even if she was in the wrong just to avoid more arguing. In fairness though we didn't argue all that much, but her sensitivity did bother me at times. I thought knowing some space apart from a previously intense relationship would help me, but nothing so far.

It feels like more than just the breakup and relationship uncertainty now though, and I'm so sad that I just feel the exact same numb feeling after breaking up with her, literally don't feel any different to how I did yesterday. I've suddenly lost interest in all my hobbies and just don't feel like doing anything other than desperately trying to fix how I feel. The regular GP that I see for other appointments and have known for many years is on holiday until the 11th Sept, and I spoke to a district nurse to try and get the ball rolling with an appointment and my current health issues which are made worse by my disability, and was just told to "try and rest". I was also referred to a service called TalkingSpace to perhaps get the ball rolling on some therapy, but the possible lengthy waiting time makes me feel so anxious because I want to talk about this with a professional, ASAP.

I still haven't slept at all and I'm struggling to eat. I do live with my parents and they're supportive and always there for me which is the only comfort I have right now. I know breaking up with her was maybe a hasty decision but it kind of feels like the right decision, although I have no comfort from that.

[Wheelsinmotion]

Brief update. Took an anxiety pill and while still feel pretty crappy which is natural after a breakup as recent as this morning, feel slightly better, thoughts are slightly more rational and have been able to enjoy a couple of videos on YouTube and even contemplating an episode of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix. :)

Still feels like a long road ahead but I think this was the right thing to do. Getting in such a state about the relationship must've been a sign that something wasn't right. I think I perhaps masked certain feelings/frustrations/doubts because on paper there was so much saying that we should be together (same disability, age etc) and felt like we should be together. Genuinely when we were together, 90% of the time things were pretty good. The few times we were together, that is.

Long way to go and some tough days ahead, but I'm glad I feel slightly less confused and thoughts are slightly more rational. I'm not wanting to bang on the door of every doctor anymore at least!

[Wheelsinmotion]

Negativity is coming back in a big way this morning, even after an anxiety pill. :(

So many questions in my head that I can't for the life of me answer. Feels like this will never end. I want to go back to how I felt this time last week where I felt so sure I loved her. On the plus side I'm eating and drinking more regularly now and managed a small amount of sleep. I know the cliche "some things aren't meant to be", but why is this not meant to be for me anymore? :(

When I think about the good times with her I still feel numb rather than oh my god I'm never going to get that back, or that I miss that so much. I look at pics of us and I don't feel like my heart is about to explode, just an "that was a nice day" type feeling. I cried a lot moments after the initial breakup yesterday, but haven't since.

I want to want it all back and feel like I did last week. I want to be in love with her. But it's just not coming. I know we can't force feelings but I don't understand why I'm like this. I want the feelings back, I want the thought of living with her one day and marrying her one day to give me the same spark it used to, like it did even just a few days ago. I was happy, or thought I was at least. It felt genuine.

I also think I'm anxious because I was so sure about the direction my life was heading in. Yes, we'd been together only a short time but everything felt like it was going to work out and that we'd live together and get married someday etc. Kinda scary to now not have that. I'll have to learn to not put all my eggs in one basket in the future!

[Oosh]

Maybe you had genuine doubts about her, things you didn't like. What you said about having to concede even when you know you're in the right just because she gets over emotional is certainly going to take its toll.
Or maybe it's just the typical irrational anxiety/doubt we can all get here over different things. But either way,don't torture yourself over it. People get themselves into way more trouble by torturing themselves over negative mood changes and end up stressing about the loss of this and that and finding more reasons to add to the stress by adding negative meaning to it all.

Give yourself some time. Moods change and they can come back around again. Sometimes it's hard to get answers when you're always staring at the problem but when you go off and do something completely different and get out of your normal routine you can find perspective and find answers just popping into your head.

I'd just say I'd suffered a bout of anxiety recently and need some space to put it behind you. Say you don't feel like company right now. Then plan a trip or something new. Get away from your usual routine. I know it's already done.

I've been through doubt episodes a thousand times. Your mood can disappear in an instant with one doubt thought, one what if. Don't make it into a big thing in your mind. You're in control of it. You know moods come and moods go.

Also be honest with yourself. If there were things going on with her you were really unhappy with then it's good that you have been decisive. Those annoyances only get worse over time. If there are things that really bother you, maybe after a think you could get back to her and tell her so. "Listen I didn't like this and that. If we can work something out over these things maybe we could give it another shot"

Just don't sit there torturing yourself and feeling out of control. A bit of numbness can be a pain in the bum sometimes but on the whole there are usually solid reasons for things. Write stuff out if it helps you to find answers.

Numbness can leave as fast as it arrived. I've witnessed it many times.

[Wheelsinmotion]

Maybe you had genuine doubts about her, things you didn't like. What you said about having to concede even when you know you're in the right just because she gets over emotional is certainly going to take its toll.
Or maybe it's just the typical irrational anxiety/doubt we can all get here over different things. But either way,don't torture yourself over it. People get themselves into way more trouble by torturing themselves over negative mood changes and end up stressing about the loss of this and that and finding more reasons to add to the stress by adding negative meaning to it all.

Give yourself some time. Moods change and they can come back around again. Sometimes it's hard to get answers when you're always staring at the problem but when you go off and do something completely different and get out of your normal routine you can find perspective and find answers just popping into your head.

I'd just say I'd suffered a bout of anxiety recently and need some space to put it behind you. Say you don't feel like company right now. Then plan a trip or something new. Get away from your usual routine. I know it's already done.

I've been through doubt episodes a thousand times. Your mood can disappear in an instant with one doubt thought, one what if. Don't make it into a big thing in your mind. You're in control of it. You know moods come and moods go.

Also be honest with yourself. If there were things going on with her you were really unhappy with then it's good that you have been decisive. Those annoyances only get worse over time. If there are things that really bother you, maybe after a think you could get back to her and tell her so. "Listen I didn't like this and that. If we can work something out over these things maybe we could give it another shot"

Just don't sit there torturing yourself and feeling out of control. A bit of numbness can be a pain in the bum sometimes but on the whole there are usually solid reasons for things. Write stuff out if it helps you to find answers.

Numbness can leave as fast as it arrived. I've witnessed it many times.

Great post Oosh, appreciated.

Had a few more moments of clarity this afternoon and have finally been able to sit and have my first proper meal in days, and the fact I'm not going back and forth with regret over finishing with her despite my confusion and hurt perhaps tells me I've made the right decision. I'm realising I put so much into trying to make it the perfect relationship which is an impossible feat, and also put so much into trying to make sure she was always happy, and her moods at times were not good and generally was irritable and would always blame tiredness and sometimes took it out on me, it got a little draining.

Time, space, and getting back to some of the hobbies that I've neglected these last few months will help. :)

I've used this thread as a place to put my feelings down and it's been a great help so far. Whether I'm back or not, which may well be the case, I appreciate your help, Oosh!

[Wheelsinmotion]

Brief update for anyone who's had a look at this thread.

Almost back to normal in terms of health, both physically and mentally and still feel that I've made the right decision. This isn't mean to sound cold or mean, but when I see pics of my now ex and I, I don't feel much emotion, either positive or negative, just kinda flat. It's still pretty sad and the guilt hasn't gone anywhere, but I know this is the right decision.

Spent the last few days doing my own thing and catching back up with people I've not spoken to much while I've had my head in the clouds. New perspective on life! When you're in a relationship you feel mainly positives, but once you step away from it you see that you may have neglected other people or other things in your life. I've stopped being me these last few months while in this relationship and catered everything towards my ex just to keep everything above board. That's not a relationship, that's a constant battle you very rarely win.

Different outlook on things now. :) Thanks again for letting me vent in this thread!

[Oosh]

Sounds like you made the right decision. I'm glad things are improving for you.