My Recovery ... Take 2

[CharleneMac]

ok so last night i totally broke. i just took all i could take and i went into one of those panic attacks you feel like your never coming out of. im ashamed to say that even though i knew what was going on the hysteria totally took over and i ended up phoning for an ambulance. the paramedics where lovely and they took me to the hospital where they didnt give into to my usual demands .... i got sat in a room mostly on my own for an hour or 2 until i had naturally calmed down then they sent me home. i have to say it was well played by the nurses and im thankful they didnt sugar coat stuff for me.

They totally understood why i had happened. im under far more stress than 1 person can take at the moment and it was pretty clear to everyone including myself exactly where i was headed :/ its like every little scenario was like a puff into a balloon and finally i burst.

so now i find myself in the utter turmoil of how to get back out of this again. I know it can and will get better but im so far gone with the anxiety it will take alot for me to get to where i want to be this time and i have to be taking the medication for that to happen.
i hate taking the medication with a passion, i have an overwhelming fear of me getting better then the doctor suddenly deciding i dont need them and taking me off them ... but again i need to start taking the what if's out of my head and just focus on whats going to make me better today.

the anxiety this time has been playing complete mind tricks on me and i started worrying about stupid things like my partner leaving me, the refugee crisis was another one that sent me into such a spin i couldnt breathe. my head was conjuring up all these scenarios that where very unlikely to happen yet they played out in my head in glorious technicolour and it felt like i was living through all these things. This is the main thing i need to get stopped because ive enough real life problems without these made up ones adding to it all.

so today as i start yet another journey to get better, to be more human i want to write down exactly how im feeling, update as much as i can on how im going with it all and coping day by day .... sometimes hour by hour.

DAY 1 and im literally a shell. im lying in bed refusing to answer calls or texts, i wont be looking at the internet or television for at least today to minimise outside influences. im shaking, feel sick, my eyes are like they want to explode, i have a dull headache at the top of my neck and a weird pressure like my whole head is being squeezed. i feel like my whole body is made of lead and i dont want to lift a limb.
mentally im trying very hard to keep all thoughts at bay. im going to read books and hopefully that should keep my mind busy. also going to be looking into getting knitting needles etc so that i cant let my mind wander because that is my biggest problem.
most of all im going to remove the WHAT IF'S .... so here goes with my recovery from it all
tomorrow i shall be starting 20mg of fluoxitine and lets see where it goes

[sial72]

Have you read Claire Weekes?

[CharleneMac]

i havnt no but its something il need to look into because alot of people have told me that her books are really helpfull :)
ive noticed today that smoking a cigarette is making me much much worse and triggering the anxiety after ive took the time to calm down. thinking this might be the best time to kick the habit as well while im going through it all.
other half has just been out and got me supplies. i now have antidepressants, wool and needles and light food. im rediscovered my love for spider solitaire on the laptop and im about to dig out my daughters colouring pads and pens for a distraction. im trying to read my book but i just cant concentrate enough on it :(
OH has also paid the sky bill so my channels are all back on and i can watch crappy reality tv all day and night if i want to ... its the only thing that doesnt increase my anxiety because there is no thinking involved in it ( thank god )
im just about to try and eat something too so heres hoping it will stay down and settle my stomach.
for my own sake i think i should add in here that my period was 3 and a half weeks late and it started back up yesterday with a vengance !!! its very heavy and its taking its toll on me but hopefully its just stress thats messed it up and once i start calming down it will too. it seems like swings and roundabouts because the hormones make the anxiety worse but then stress and anxiety messes the hormones around so its like im in the highest level of panic and anxiety possible with no way of getting out of the cycle.
im thinking im going to wait till tomorrow to start the fluoxitine because taking it at this time of day might mess my sleep up and i dont want that mucked around any further than it has been.
Thankfully my other half is very supportive and understanding. he pretty much takes on every little thing thats thrown at us both and deals with it and leaves me to get better which is a godsend !!!
anyways im going on a bit again so back to the card games and hopefully i can calm back down.
il pop back on should i feel any worse later on

[Leah1971]

Hi, I hope you start to feel better soon. I know what you're going through as no doubt many of us here do. As you said yourself, you've got better before, you will again. It all just takes time. It's frustrating though I know when you just want to feel better now. Take care, one day even one minute at a time. Give the meds time to work. Let us know how you're going.

[CharleneMac]

ive went for a sleep, bath then got something to eat. i just dont feel right in the slightest. my OH was asking me how i was and i told him i just wanted to sleep, sleeping was the only relief i get from this.
I dont think ive ever felt this bad in my life. i know i went through an episode similar to this when i took my first ever panic attack in 2011. i remember i slept on my floor for months because it was the only time i felt safe, i had a bowl in ym hand 24/7 because i felt alot of nausea and i was always in my bedroom.
All the fears ive got just just right down to being too scared to go to the bathroom, well thats how i felt back then so i know im going to get better again :)
Last time i went straight into a fear of all medicine and wouldnt even take a paracetamol so im thinking thats why it all got so bad :( the firstthing ive done this time is call the doc and get antidepressants so hopefully i can make this as easy as possible on myself.
My huge fear right now is that im pushing my fiance away, he takes total advantage of the fact im in bed to have an xbox binge and he says hes happy about that but i really dont like being on my own and hes the only person ive got who will stay with me. what i dont want is for it to get too much for him and he wants to walk away. i wouldnt blame him but im petrified of this happening :/ just 1 more of my totally irrational fears im guessing !!! ive decided that unless it is an issue within the 4 walls of my bedroom then im not interested in the near future !! im just shutting down and talking it a minute at a time .... oh and ive had 1 cigarette today because it makes me feel to ill, not bad from usually 25 a day

---------- Post added at 21:09 ---------- Previous post was at 21:07 ----------

Thanks Leah ... its knowing i can speak freely in here with others who know what its like that really helps me through it all. being able to speak freely also gives me some thing to look back on in a few weeks to see how much progress ive made

[Pepperpot]

Hey, well done on the 1 cig - I quit a year and a half ago with an e-cig (from 30 a day), and recently quit the e-cig (purely as I thought it was making me choke - turns out it was the anxiety but never mind lol). Try one of those if you like the hand to mouth action - failing that the lozenges are pretty good with the patches.
Xbox binges are common in my house - I have had to take my son's off him as he is not sleeping. My daughter's is bust, and unfortunately for my hubby, his is in our bedroom so I kick him off it pretty early ;)
Don't feel bad about calling the ambulance. I've done it a few times - my gripe is that they don't have a mental health A&E attached to the normal one - there are people crying out for help and get sent home - to be told to go see their GP (and some GPs take weeks for appointments) and be put on a waiting list for therapy which is weeks/months long - have been waiting since 28th July and no further forward.
I feel better when I write down how I feel - I started to write it all down in a notepad and I actually looked back at a few weeks ago - I had different symptoms to what I do now. Keep your chin up xx

[Dan1975]

Mockingjay, have you read my response to your other post? Also, I recommend venlafaxine as an AD. it worked wonders for after trying a whole host of others.

[CharleneMac]

Thanks for your reply pepperpot :) its noce to get a wee bit of reassurance from other people on here :) xx

i havnt yet Dan but i will do that just now xx

---------- Post added at 00:19 ---------- Previous post was at 00:14 ----------

its getting to that time of night now where im tired and im not able to fight the anxiety as much as i could during the day.
today ive done everything i can to keep myself distracted and it seems to have worked.
i still dont feel right, very far from feeling right but i havnt ended up in a hysterical panic so i see this as progress. I also realise theres a few things going on with my body that might be increasing all these feelings so im just trying to remind myself of that right now. going to sign out of everything now and see if i can get a sleep ... tomorrow is the start of the meds and hopefully me getting better :) nahnighty everyone

[Leah1971]

Good work with the distraction. That's what I'm going to do today. I'm having a rough couple of days. I'm also working on acceptance of the sensations and that they won't hurt me. It's hard hey. Because you feel like crap. Starting the meds is a step towards recovery I'm sure. They should help a lot. Have a good sleep.

[Pepperpot]

Hope you slept well. I tried that deep muscle relaxation when I had come back from a walk (which was meant to try and distract me but didn't work) cos I was shattered but felt sick/dizzy/unable to breathe etc. it really helped. I put the headphones on iny phone and googled deep muscle relaxation. X

[CharleneMac]

Morning everyone, ae Leah that kinda sucks that you are going through a horrible time but im glad you have got things in place that can help you :)
Pepperpot where did you find the relaxation things ? ive got 1 but whenever i try it when ive got even the slightest of anxiety but i just cant get into it, i can only do it when im more relaxed but then i forget to do it because i feel better and i have other things i wanna do :(

DAY 2 well ive taken the tablet. i started having second thoughts about being on meds and the fact i might get taken off them when i least expect it BUT ive decided il just concentrate on today and i know ive got a tablet for today and theres a chance i might get better. im just going to take it very very easy today and shut out as much of the outside world as possible. Again its going to be games on the laptop, knitting little squares, colouring books and pointless reality tv.
I did manage to get to sleep last night but right now it doesnt feel like a real sleep because im dreaming so much but i dont ever remember the dreams when i wake up so its not as disturbing as they have been. i still dont feel like i could face a ciggie, they dont half make me ill right now and as soon as i take a draw i get nausea, dizzy and i can feel my heart racing. ive got a little nicorette inhaler so im using that to keep the horrible nicotine cravings as low as possible.
no doubt il be popping in to update during the day a few times as im finding this helps keep my mind off things, it means i can give as accurate a description as possible on the start up on these meds too

[Pepperpot]

Glad you had a better night.
I just googled progressive muscle relaxation and went through some sites til I found one I liked the sound of. I make sure I'm lying on the bed, the kids are playing, him indoors is not gonna burst in and disturb me, then I put it on. Try and make some time for it.
I tried a one of those inhalator things and it worked (until I started smoking again lol). I used to keep it iny bra, and if I patted the side of my boob and it wasn't there I used to freak out lol. X

[CharleneMac]

il have to take a look into that then pepperpot. right now im too scared to do anything but lie in bed so il need to start doing small things so when i do have to go somewhere other than my bedroom it wont hit me as hard.
took the tablet about 4 hours ago and tbh ive been ok. slightly sicky and a bit of anxiety but the anxiety was there anyways so i cant really blame that on the meds. ive already been for another little sleep. i feel like i need to sleep every few hours but my body is going through alot just now so im refusing to feel guilty about it all. im just keeping in mind that yes im next to useless right now but if i take it slowly then il be as right as rain in no time. from previous experiance i take short cuts and try and rush everything then i end up in these states again and thats no good for anyone.
im off again as i can feel the nausea building up again and il need to lie with my face in a sick bowl for a bit :(

[Pepperpot]

Can I ask, why are you lying in bed all day? What are you afraid of?
I ask cos I was doing that too until my mam told me to pull myself together x

[CharleneMac]

Pepperpot ive not been feeling well. i had a urine and sinus infection plus my hormones have triggered my fibromyalgia to be worse and that includes fatigue and headaches so im kinda drained at the moment :(

well this afternoon i had a little stage where i felt like i was about to get into that hysterical panic but i picked up my knitting and didnt put it back down till i felt calmer :) not had too bad a night, my head is totally banging to i got up and went for a bath then came back to bed to watch some romcoms. manahed to get rid of my sore head with paracetamol so that was a surprise ... normal its cocodamol so progress is happening somewhere lol. ive also managed to get through the full day without a ciggie but the cravings are getting a bit overwhelming ... im thinking i might have a few draws just to remind myself of my im giving up
ive also been a bit crabbie with the mister tonight because hes been smoking infront of me ... it was my fault coz i didnt tell him i was giving up ... ooopppssss

[CharleneMac]

i didnt have a good night last night, i was constantly on the verge of a panic attack. my heart was racing, i felt dizzy and sick and the sweat was coming off me in sheets :( i ended up just lying with my face in a sick bowl with my eyes shut for a few hours. i didnt think i was sleeping but when i realised it took 10 mins to get from 1 to 3 am i guess i must have been. i kept waking up because of the symptoms so i ended up taking a buspirone at the back of 3. i just lay and kept telling myself that this would pass and i will get to sleep so there is nothing to worry about and eventually i got back to sleep.
waking up wasnt so good either today, i felt like the instant my eyes where open i was hit with this massive wave of anxiety that totally floored me before i had a chance to move a limb :( i was all for giving up on the meds after last night but i cant take this constant anxiety and feeling like ive let the world and his with down ... i just need to get better no matter what !!
i need to start making up goal sheets of what i want to acheive during the day because this staying in bed thing really isnt going to help me in the slightest. im not talking major things here but even if i get up and i dunno ... put the washing in the basket, well its better than what i managed to do yesterday. i know 1 day all this anxiety will be firmly behind me again and il be well and how bad this experiance has been will all have been forgotten again.
its hard when you get well again to look back and see exactly how deep into this illness you where and how much it held you back so i want to put a wee letter on here at some point to myself to remind me of how bleak it all was, how totally desperate it makes you but also how it shuts the life out on you and sucks every last positive emotion out of you. there is just nothing left but misery, upset, guilt, everything seems black, every noise a danger, every twitch sets of anxiety, you feel like youve let everyone down, your really not good enough for OH and the kids, you feel alone and abandoned by everyone around you. you want to run and run and run and never stop until you collapse so exhausted that you go straight into a sleep but then you are too scared to even go to the bathroom for 2 seconds, 2 life your head off the pillow, to even lie a certain way in bed !!!

these are all the things i need to be reminding myself of when i start looking back at this, when i think i can do without my meds again because i know better, when i miss a few days of taking them and think aw well what harm will it do not being on them .... well this is the harm !! i do not ever want to go back to this place again, i dont want to feel these feelings or let my family have to go through this .... i want to be a person again and not this shell ive become .... most of all i want to be a mum to my kids and never have them have to deal with this or see what i go through. on that note im going to stop here because i can feel myself building with anxiety again .... be back in a bit

[Pepperpot]

I bought an academic diary yesterday from the Card Factory for a quid so I could write how I was feeling in it instead of in a notepad.
Sounds a good plan; make yourself a little list of nice simple things; hanging washing out, sorting out a cupboard in kitchen, 15m of ironing, reading a book with children, loads of other things you can do. Good on you for telling yourself it would pass when you woke in a panic; if it happens again remind yourself that it DID pass and you were fine. X

[CharleneMac]

hey pepperpot, im lying here again with the anxiety building but it feels kinda different ... its not a panicky anxiety its more of a depressed anxiety if that makes sense. i want to cry and cray and cry right now over things that are going on in my life. my kids dont live with me they live with their dad so i cant see them right now. its was actually the court case to get the kids back that has triggered this whole thing leading me to believe the kids are better off living with their dad. hes not the greatest and the kids dont want to be there but i cannot imagine how id cope if the kids where here right now ... id be begging anyone to take them so they didnt see me in this state so being at their dads is the best thing. between this and my other ailments ... the minute i try and take on big things my body, mind and spirit totally gives up :( ive had these things going on in my head for a few days now but ive been despertaly trying to shut them out, its too raw to think about ... i mean a mum without her kids ?? that is thee most devastating thing a women can experiance but its happened now and im living it. id always blamed my ex taking the kids on me getting so unwell but looking back there was alot that had happened before it that triggered my first breakdown. in 2011 i had a massive fist fight with my family that triggered my first attack, i moved away from all my family and friends. whilst i was there my uncle and 2 aunts all died within 4 weeks of each other, a close friend passed away a week after that. i had developed phobias of medication and refused to take even a paracetamol. like now i was in my bed 24/7, scared to even go to the bathroom, at that point i wasnt going for showers ... i dont think i even wore clothes for about a month. the guy i was seeing at the time literally did everything for the kids and the house, i didnt take the kids anywhere or spend any time with them. my mum came over to mine for xmas day that day and i totally broke down. she brought me back to hers for a few days and as it turns out i never left. i got a house in my hometown and settled. my health gradually started to get better but in the april i split with the guy i was with. he went and got someone pregnant straight away ( i cant have anymore kids as i was sterilised and he was happy about that ) it started another downwards spiral, this time i was out drinking and partying ... not caring too much about anything that having fun. being honest i was a total riot of a human being and what happened next really isnt a surprise when i think about it ... my ex took the kids. now i know it was the right thing to happen but u see that wasnt why he took the kids ... he took them because he didnt like my new partner and was using him having the kids as a way to get us to split up. when that didnt happen he decided that i wasnt to see the kids at all ... well this was the onset of PTSD and fibromyalgia. its left me total crippled and caught up in a nightmare. i was ok 1 week then the next it was panic attacks galore. i couldnt make plans with anyone but then id take offence if no one would come and make plans with me, i was falling out with and falling in with people all over the place. ive never had any sort of settlement in my life for oh is say a good 7 maybe 8 years. i moved house 14 times, in 5 different towns ... i left more friends everytime i moved ... my kids went to school after school, they too had to leave friends !! they could never put down any roots and after a few months of staying anywhere they would ask if it was time to move again. i thought i was doing the right thing ... getting away from family one time, dodgy neighbours the next, my daughter getting bullied in school, trying to get away from my ex .... but deep down i was always trying to run away from myself because this mental health stuff, i cant handle it !!
so now ive been with my partner for just over 3 years. we are strong, we had to move house a few times BUT weve finally got a nice big house with a garden and plenty of bedrooms for my kids and his. money had settled down and although we have very little we do get by. ive finally got a small amount of family that i surround myself with and ive cut out the rest of them and i have a reasonable amount of access to my kids. when they do come here its great because i get to be fun mum and take them places, i dont need to shout at them to get ready for school or to do their homework and most importantly they dont see me flaking out and begging for an ambulance because im convinced im going to die. i have to admit it totally kills me not seeing them everyday ... it rips my heart out totally !! but its not about me is it ? its about the kids and i think ive came to the conclussion that fighting for them through the courts is the worst possible thing i could be doing to them. it isnt fair, even typing this right now i feel like someone is strangling me because the greif is so high knowing i cant be a mum due to this illness right now. but im keeping it in my head that in a few years time my kids will be old enough to be with me, when they are old enough to be able to understand whats going on and for it not to affect their lives .... thats when i can be a mum again. its not having them home fulltime thats the problem, i know i can be a good mum to them and do what i need to do. its the courtcase, i physically and mentally cannot cope with it.
ok ive been rambling on and i think ive managed to clear somethings up for myself in doing so
il come back on later

[CharleneMac]

had a mahoosive cry after typing that out earlier on, i think i needed it. my other half sat with me for a good bit today and let me talk and get things out my system, hes told me hes going to stand by whatever decision ive made. i knew he would because hes great that way ... im just not so sure that other prople will be as supportive but il take that as it comes, either that or il just cut them out my life totally regardless of who it is.
Ive also managed to do little things today like i washed and conditioned my hair, shaved my legs, put real clothes on and not just escape to the loo with a blanket round me ... i even sat in the living room to eat dinner :)
there is only 1 person who has been there for me and the oh and thats my mother in law .... shes been great and brought round a proper sunday dinner for us both with pud :) its the first ive ate in days so i really appreciate that she took the time out for us. even though ive been hiding in my bedroom for nearly a week now away from her she totally understands and has never passed judgement on me, infacts she has came round on a daily basis to support the other half and thats an amazing thing because the more supported he is the easier he finds it to look after me :)
im now 3 days off the ciggies too and thats a weird thing for me but i know smoking was making my heart race, i felt sick and dizzy with it too so no more stinky smokes for me either !!!!
feeling a lil more human right now :yesyes:

[CharleneMac]

sleep was horrible for me last night. i felt like i was only lying with my eyes shut and not actually asleep :( im guessing i didnt eventually fall into a deeper sleep but i kept waking up soaked in sweat feeling really warm and sicky, my heart was racing too :(
thing is right now i dont know what is down to anxiety, giving up smoking or the new meds because everything thats happening could be down to all 3 :/
when i woke up this morning i had a lot of nausea, i feel like im spending most of my day with my face in a sickbowl and that really doesnt make for attractive veiwing. i have to say apart from after my initial panic attack i havnt actually been physically sick. i havnt taken the fluoxitine yet, im waiting on the doc to call me back with advice because i feel so horrendous. its going through my head that maybe i should be taking this on 1 at a time but then im thinking like a caterpillar i hould just floor myself, hide in bed for a few weeks then be the butterfly at the end of it all once i feel better. i think if it wasnt for the sleep problems that is exactly what i would be doing :(
anyways im off now to play some more spider solitaire and keep my mind off things till the doc gets back to me, il come back on later

---------- Post added at 12:52 ---------- Previous post was at 11:22 ----------

omg the tiredness is overwhelming today !! my other half said i should just sleep tbh i dont think i want to sleep, i just feel like i need to sleep !! URGH ... im on the lime and ginger tea now for the nausea n im chewing gum like mad to get over the smkoing cravings. Also just realised that ive got alot of hormones still swirling around in me so that really wont be helping anything. i was trying to remember what i did the last time i took these to get through the worst of this and i remembered i was on buspirone twice a day so im waiting on the doc to call me back to discuss the side effects and il ask him then about the buspar. fingers crossed in a few weeks il feel better :) i cant be doing with this anymore

---------- Post added at 13:13 ---------- Previous post was at 12:52 ----------

just spoke to the doc ... ive to stick this out and not come off the fluoxitine no matter how horrible it gets. with the side effects and withdrawels both should even out within 2 weeks so its head down and deal with it :/ ive to take the buspirone 3 times a day and i know that it will help so im grateful for that.
right now my survival kit is lime and ginger tea for nausea, lots and lots of water, eating small meals as often as i can, boiled sweets and gum for the smoking cravings ( it doesnt matter how ill smoking makes me i still get the overwhelming urge to light up ), ive got the duvet and a blanket for the hot/cold spells, ive got card games and colouring on my phone and ive got my knitting and typing on here for when i need to do something with my hands ( thats why ive probably posted in here alot more than needed ) and ive got my other half for when i cant take much more and i can offload to him lol

[CharleneMac]

ok so i had another freak out this afternoon ... just sobbing my heart out and telling the OH that it was too hard to do and i didnt think i could cope but then i thought about the alternative ... there is none. this is the only path i can take to get better because nothing else is even to be considered. yes its hard ... this is the hardest one ive ever had to overcome BUT i can do it. i still cant get it out my head that ive let my kids down but deep down inside i know that this IS the right choice for them ... it would have ripped my heart out if they had seen what ive been going through the past few days ... they are only ickle and that kinda of thing shouldnt be affecting them.
well ive been for a bath, my small goal for the day was to do a little housework, i managed to clean the loo before coming back to my bed so at least ive done something. im actually considering going for a walk round the block later on once everyone is in their beds so i can get a bit of air.
well il catch up again later ... bye

[Dan1975]

Mockingjay,

have you looked into the books I recommended?

D

[CharleneMac]

i have dan but im not in a position to buy them just now

[CharleneMac]

so getting to sleep last night wasnt as bad as it was the night before, my anxiety was pretty low but i dont know if that was because of the distraction of a neighbour sitting in his car all night listening to music loud and i was getting pretty peed off with him. i kept waking up though and all these doom and gloom thoughts have came back and i havnt had these in a long long time ... i wish i knew what was causing what symptom :( i really really struggle with things like this and im literally just holding it together, all i want is a decent nights sleep is that too much to ask ? aw yeh and i woke up with the sweats and shakes again .... those are fun and only seem to happen at night for some strange reason.
anyways ive just woke up with the anxiety through the roof ... basically i wanted to flush the fluox down the loo and light up a ciggie but i havnt. ive took the pill and im chewing like crazy on gum ... i will get through this !! i know i can ... i mean i know it cant be like this forever can it :) i have to say though around 6 oclock at night i start to calm down an awful lot ... like i feel like none of this has been going on and im just doing my normal thing of going to bed to watch the soaps. it isnt till later the anxiety rises but i think thats due to the ciggie cravings when my other half comes up to see me and he smells of smoke. so yeh thats me all up to date now and we shall wait and see what today will bring. ive already had the gasman cancel on me 4 weeks in a row so thats not started me off very well and theres ment to be someone coming to fit carpets who didnt show up yesterday either so we shall see if he turns up today. cant wait to get these wee things done so there isnt anymore outside influences to trigger this anxiety for a few weeks

---------- Post added at 11:16 ---------- Previous post was at 10:48 ----------

ah feck ... im verging on a panic attack and this feels horrible :( i know why this is happening, its because of all the changes in my life and i know i will get through this ... i need to keep telling myself this because if i dont im going to end up hysterical. wish there was more help out there for people like us. i really feel like i want to sit down with a mental health nurse and just go over everything and be reasured that im going to be ok, i wish there was professionals i could call and i know that there will be an answer to me and all will be ok. i just wish i wasnt mid freak out and rambling on here too ... its a nice day, i should be outside, i should be out of my bed .... anything but what im doing right now !!!! aw god this is a nightmare

---------- Post added at 12:35 ---------- Previous post was at 11:16 ----------

my mother in law is out on the hunt for an e-cig for me :) going to be feeling better soon and im still not smoking ... win win i reckon

[Pepperpot]

Right, for a start, don't be feeling shit cos your kids don't live with you - they are well looked after, and you need to get better. I totally get why your feel terrible as you're their mam and they don't live with you at the minute, but you need to get yourself better first and then when you feel stronger you can have them. You're doing great - little steps - that's all you need to do. How old are they if you don't mind me asking?
When I was really poorly, I wouldn't get out of bed and I stank! I pulled myself together a little bit and made the effort to have a bath and shave my legs and stick some clothes on, and it made me feel better - not like I could take on the world lol, but a little better. Things like this are an achievement when you feel so shit, I understand.

The e-cig will help. If you find it doesn't, then ring the stop smoking clinic at your docs and they will prescribe you patches. I have tried allsorts, and it all worked (until I caved months later). Oh apart from Champix - that made me sick, yuk. The patches are good though. I agree, you won't really know what symptoms are what at the min, but it doesn't really matter - all you need to know is that feel crap and you are going to overcome it, lol.

If you wake in a panic, acknowledge the panic, don't try and fight it. Just keep saying to yourself that this is only a panic attack and it is going to pass, it's passed before and it will pass again. Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. This will take at least 3 mins to kick in. You can do this xx

[CharleneMac]

got an e-cig :) first draw near killed me but omg the relief is amazing :) wwooohhoooooo its the first ive felt positive in weeks. im also sitting in my living room today AND my mother in law is in and im not freaking out :) baby steps but il get there

---------- Post added at 15:00 ---------- Previous post was at 14:58 ----------

pepperpot im going to mail you :) theres alot to whats going on that i dont mind talking about but i dont wanna put it out here for anyone to read xx

---------- Post added at 15:52 ---------- Previous post was at 15:00 ----------

just managed to get up and make myself tea and toast while the other half is out at the shop :) i know im documenting every little thing but there will come a point where il rread this back or others will read it in the same position and they will be grateful to know what they might be facing. if my shittyness can help 1 person then its worth it

[CharleneMac]

well all in all its not been a bad day so far. the anxiety was pretty high when i first woke up but it calmed down enough that i went and sat downstairs. i was pretty chilled out, so after my mother in law came with the e=cig i went for a bath. i managed to come out then go a walk to my local shop !! i was only out for about half an hour but i managed to keep my anx low. now im home and im totally knackered !! managed 2 slices of pizza and some salad for dinner, i still cant eat very much but im kinda glad of that since giving up smoking normally makes me eat like a pig :/ il update later on if im still awake ... im off to watch big brother now and zone out hopefully

[Dan1975]

i have dan but im not in a position to buy them just now

Ok, but there's no time like the present to start your recovery.

[Pepperpot]

Ok, but there's no time like the present to start your recovery.

Not if you're skint ;)

---------- Post added at 22:51 ---------- Previous post was at 22:50 ----------

Good day then - baby steps lead into big steps - you'll be better before you know it :)
The e-cigs are ace. I used to have a few cos when the battery runs out I liked to have a spare :)

[Dan1975]

Not if you're skint ;)

---------- Post added at 22:51 ---------- Previous post was at 22:50 ----------

Good day then - baby steps lead into big steps - you'll be better before you know it :)
The e-cigs are ace. I used to have a few cos when the battery runs out I liked to have a spare :)

Good point.

Here's the link to the first stage of my recovery http://www.andyfox.net/nothing-works-a-letter-to-myself/

I will happily send you my copy of the happiness trap if you pm me mockingjay

[Pepperpot]

That's kind of you to offer her that - although what is the happiness trap? x

[Dan1975]

That's kind of you to offer her that - although what is the happiness trap? x

An ACT book bt Russ Harris. Very good!

[Pepperpot]

Oh I will have a look

[Dan1975]

Oh I will have a look

What's your status pepper pot? Are you recovered?

[Pepperpot]

Noooooo - I'm a big mess lol.
x

[Dan1975]

Noooooo - I'm a big mess lol.
x

I was too, but I now consider myself 90% recovered. I had this thing for 20 years so I think it will take a while to completely go, but I'm fine with that.

What R your main issues?

[CharleneMac]

Thanks dan il do that just now :) x

ive just had my anxiety go right back up. i shut my eyes to go to sleep and that little voice was laughing at me telling me my other half was going to leave me. well !! i could feel my throat closing in terror and my heart starting to race :/ i tried to tell myself over and over it was just anxiety, it wasnt true and it would go away. this worked but as soon as i calmed that shitty little voice was saying i was a bad mum and that i was letting the kids down ... well this was the one that tipped me over the edge !! sobbing my heart out and feeling pretty hysterical :(
now these voices arnt like someones in the room saying it to me, its just a little voice in my head so i know it isnt something mega serious with my mental health ... just anxiety being a lil shit but its hard to take at the time. right now im pretty terrified to go to sleep after what happened last night :( all that tossing and turning, waking up in sweats thinking the world was going to end, not knowing where i was ... well it was terrifying :( ive a funny feeling it was the nicotine withdrawel causing it though and now im using the e=cig is shouldnt be a problem .... but anxiety is still telling me its going to happen again :/ getting totally peed off with this process

[Pepperpot]

I was too, but I now consider myself 90% recovered. I had this thing for 20 years so I think it will take a while to completely go, but I'm fine with that.

What R your main issues?

They change. Atm it's a constant pressure feeling round my throat.
I have developed health anxiety and I worry about allsorts. Like everything. It is affecting my children now.x

---------- Post added at 00:24 ---------- Previous post was at 00:23 ----------


Thanks dan il do that just now :) x

ive just had my anxiety go right back up. i shut my eyes to go to sleep and that little voice was laughing at me telling me my other half was going to leave me. well !! i could feel my throat closing in terror and my heart starting to race :/ i tried to tell myself over and over it was just anxiety, it wasnt true and it would go away. this worked but as soon as i calmed that shitty little voice was saying i was a bad mum and that i was letting the kids down ... well this was the one that tipped me over the edge !! sobbing my heart out and feeling pretty hysterical :(
now these voices arnt like someones in the room saying it to me, its just a little voice in my head so i know it isnt something mega serious with my mental health ... just anxiety being a lil shit but its hard to take at the time. right now im pretty terrified to go to sleep after what happened last night :( all that tossing and turning, waking up in sweats thinking the world was going to end, not knowing where i was ... well it was terrifying :( ive a funny feeling it was the nicotine withdrawel causing it though and now im using the e=cig is shouldnt be a problem .... but anxiety is still telling me its going to happen again :/ getting totally peed off with this process

Progressive muscle relaxation - get it looked up and get some headphones on - it will take the edge off believe me x

[CharleneMac]

i had typed out a huge thing there about how crappy and anxious i feel tonight ... is it showing up because i cant see it on my thread :(
Dan il pm u now x

[Pepperpot]

i had typed out a huge thing there about how crappy and anxious i feel tonight ... is it showing up because i cant see it on my thread :(
Dan il pm u now x

This one?

ive just had my anxiety go right back up. i shut my eyes to go to sleep and that little voice was laughing at me telling me my other half was going to leave me. well !! i could feel my throat closing in terror and my heart starting to race :/ i tried to tell myself over and over it was just anxiety, it wasnt true and it would go away. this worked but as soon as i calmed that shitty little voice was saying i was a bad mum and that i was letting the kids down ... well this was the one that tipped me over the edge !! sobbing my heart out and feeling pretty hysterical :(
now these voices arnt like someones in the room saying it to me, its just a little voice in my head so i know it isnt something mega serious with my mental health ... just anxiety being a lil shit but its hard to take at the time. right now im pretty terrified to go to sleep after what happened last night :( all that tossing and turning, waking up in sweats thinking the world was going to end, not knowing where i was ... well it was terrifying :( ive a funny feeling it was the nicotine withdrawel causing it though and now im using the e=cig is shouldnt be a problem .... but anxiety is still telling me its going to happen again :/ getting totally peed off with this process

[CharleneMac]

yeh its showing up on mine now ... that was weird :/ i thought id lost it all because i went to answer pms lol xx

[Dan1975]

Mockingjay, please read 'The Letter' I put a link to in post 30 of this thread. There's so much good stuff in it and it's a great read - very funny at times. I cried uncontrollably when I read it as there was someone who finally understood how I was feeling!

[CharleneMac]

dan i tried to read it but ive got very little in the way of concentration levels right now but i promise i will give it another go until it does sink in x

last night was beyond anything ive ever experianced before. it was wave after wave of panic attacks, vivid dreams and nightmares. i was utterly terrified. the only thing i could do was lie there and let it all wash over me and pray to god id fall into a sleep where i didnt dream. i think i got roughly an hour of blessed sleep but as sods law goes i woke up straight into a huge panic attack. i cannot and will not take this fluoxitine !! its making me hear voices telling me im not good enough, my fiance with leave me, im a crap mother ... i just cant be dealing with that. and being scared to leave my own bedroom ?? whats that all about !! i know that there is something out there for me that can make this all better but i just really do not believe the medicine side of it is one of them. the side effects just cripple me and the thoughts i get are too much. i know i dont want to live like this and im determined that i will get better ... i dont know how but i will. i ended up by passing the GP today because hes hopeless anyways and i phoned the mental health team directly. they were like oh you have to wait your turn ... so i explained everything and she cut me off saying give me your number and il get someone to call you back asap. so thats where im at right now, waiting for them to call me back and fingers crossed they can help me. i think my poor fiance is at his wits end with all this right now and he doesnt know what way is up :( i wont let him cuddle me because of the sweats ( lets face it i stink ) and there is very little in the way of conversation that isnt about how im feeling, what do i need done etc. i feel so guilty that hes had to take this on and i know it was his choice to because he loves me BUT that doesnt make it fair on him, hes on his own dealing with this too. I just wish i knew the way out of this so i could make this alright for us both. anyways im off now to play some stupid online games to see if i can distract myself from all of this until she phones. be back on later

[Pepperpot]

How you feeling now x

[CharleneMac]

hey pepperpot. im doing good today. yesterday i broke down to the mental health worker and she agreed that there had to be some kind of crisis team involved just now until i get myself stronger. she also told me that i shouldnt be taking the fluoxitine and that i had to come off them straight away. i was kinda glad when she said that because i hadnt taken the dose that morning and i had no intention of taking them again !!
so last night i decided that i was going to try and break this sleep cycle so i slept on the sofa. i fell asleep about half 10 because i was so exhausted then i woke up at 1 in a state of panic :( it was horrible but i refused to wake the other half up to help me because ive got a funny feeling i get worse when someone else is there. anyways i managed to fall asleep again about 4 after taking a buspirone and watching the craft and create channel so the voices lulled me into a sleep lol :)
i woke up this morning about half 10 and even though i woke up out a nightmare, my anxiety was pretty low. i got a letter from my solicitor today as well to tell me she can literally pause my court case until im stronger so thats took so much weight off me, she was so nice about it that i ended up in tears. then the mental health worker phoned to say my gp was holding up getting the crisis team in place but shes still trying her best. i know my gp is hopeless so i kinda believe her, as long as i know something is happening and i wont just be left then it gives me hope .... and the biggest thing i need to hold onto is hope.
another big thing is i have access to my kids this weekend and i didnt think i could cope with it at all, i didnt want them seeing the sweaty shaky mess that ive become :( it was literally breaking my heart but i managed to negotiate with the kids dad and they are coming down for a while on saturday during the day :) even i can manage that amount of time and i dont miss out on seeing them :) this was literally the perfect solution to it all so that was another huge weight lifted.
i managed to get up today, dressed, cleaned my living room, got 2 washings pegged out and went a walk around my town with my fiance, go to the docs for my prescription and go to the chemist to collect it. while i was in i asked for a smokers check ( the breath thingy ) and it was that of a non-smoker ... me ? im a NON-SMOKER !!! i got sooooo excited when i heard that and it has given me such a boost. i am still shaky, sweaty and anxious but im starting to function again and that is a huge blessing to me, im not good with being stuck in bed all the time.
im going to keep updating on here because it really helps me to read it back ... also i hope that someone else can get help from it xx

[Pepperpot]

Wow - good for you - I am unsure what the crisis team does exactly though?

Good for you too on the sleep thing - when I was at my worst, I was waking all the time gasping for air and it was waking my other half up - I ended up on the sofa too but it was awful as my son (who follows me everywhere) would get up and bring his quilt and pillow down thinking he could sleep on the sofa opposite me lol.

Can you not change doctors? I changed mine a month ago and so far so good.

Brilliant news about the kids - I hope you have a fab time with them :)
And well done on the no smoking - you should be super-proud of yourself x

[CharleneMac]

to be honest im not 100% about the crisis team either but im hoping it means there will be support put in place for me being able to get out and a wee bit of respite for the other half. hes been here every second with me and it makes me feel s****y that my illness is affecting him so much too :(
the sofa was good in theory but night sweats + leather sofa .... WOW lol !! il leave out any descriptions but it wasnt pleasant ... eerrgghh

i ended up freaking myself into a full blown anxiety attack tonight :( my mouth was constantly watering and i googled like a right eejit !! so now ive got all sorts of deadly illnesses when in reality i should know its because ive gave up smoking and my taste buds are starting to work again !! i really wish my brain would stop freaking out over everything. oohh and the crying today has been unbelievable !! the wee dog next door to me always yaps for me to clap her and today she was up at the fence smiling ... yes actual smiling because i was going over to her. it was the first thing that was happy to see me in such a long time i started sobbing my heart out cuddled right into her. then the least wee things would set me off again !! im holding onto the fact that most of the day was positive though ... if i dont do that then il end up back as ill as ever and that really wouldnt be good for anyone xx

[Pepperpot]

Cling on to the positives and forget about the negatives. You will have good and bad days xx

[CharleneMac]

had a great day ... went up to the town, got myself a new ecig and some oils, grabbed a bit of lunch then walked home and got some housework done. we went camping at the start of july and got rained out so i got all the sleeping bags out today and get them washed and hung out so i felt better about getting the wee things done. i made a dinner, went for a bath and came to bed to watch big brother. i got all excited because ive got my kids for a few hours tomorrow and my step son .... then i remembered that the other half had to go out for just under an hour to pick up my step son and i now feel like i cant breathe !!! i dont know if its worse to be petrified to be on my own or if its that ive got a crippling fear that he wont come back :( hes reassured me a million times that he doesnt want to leave, he loves me and he will always be here .... but the anxiety bit wont allow me to hear that !!! he never gave a reason for me to be thinking that ... the exact opposite ... i just dont know how to get over this part. its not fair on him that i cant be on my own, if anything this will be the very thing that will scare him off so how the hell do i stop it ? oh and the crisis team didnt phone me at all today ... ive just been kinda left in a freefall with it all and im pretty gutted tbh that they didnt do as they said they would :( anyways im off for the mo and i might be back on later if this anxiety doesnt settle down xx

[CharleneMac]

well what can i say about last nights sleep ... it was the most horrific thing ive ever experianced in my entire life !! the nightmares where so real and i woke up in a total panic thinking its ok the tv crew seen me freak out, they will call an ambulance. the whole time i knew i was sitting in my bedroom thinking i was on some kindas tv show for a good 5/10 mins :( when i came to properly i was in a hell of a state and the panic was really bad. i grabbed my sons duvet and went to sleep on the sofa because i was so scared to be in my bedroom anymore.
i then had a massive freak out about the fact that my other half was going out for an hour today to pick up his son :/ luckily my cousin in law came and sat with me so it didnt get to far out of control and what do you know ... my other half didnt run away and leave me after all lol :) we had all the kids for 6 hours today too and i had an amazing time with them. we went a walk to the chippy for cones of chips for lunch then we went to buy magazines, home for some fairy cake baking, dinner then a few hours snuggle looking at old pics. i was sobbing my heart out when they left. they didnt understand why they cant stay here with me tonight and why they cant just live with me all the time. i played it really well because it was their dad who refused to let them stay tonight but i just said he was doing me a favour and explained that the courts need to wait till im better before they can come back to me. my sons 11 and he really isnt stupid ... he knows i can care for them 100% and im a bloody good mum and he knows its all this being brought up with his dad again thats triggered this breakdown in me. Even though seeing them for only a few hours ripped my heart out it also gave me more of a boost to get stronger and keep fighting for them ... im a mum and thats what we do.
so tonights plan is that i switched my phone of at 8, went for a bath and now im out im going to update this and switch of all gadgety things and just read my book. all my usual programmes are on record and il watch them during the day instead of falling asleep to them. im going to try and do this for the next week to see if that helps these sleep problems any. the ony saving grace is that since ive gave up smoking i dont seem to be having the sleep apnea problems like i was before.
catch up with you all tomorrow xx

[Pepperpot]

I tend to find that if I go to bed really early I cannot sleep lol.
You seem to be doing great with the non-smoking. What liquid do you have for your ecig? x

[CharleneMac]

right now ive got energy juice ( the closest ive got to caffiene in 5 years lol ) pineapple, blueberry and black cherry. im on the medium oils just now but i can feel my temper going a bit today ,,, thats never a good thing so i might need to get the higher one or have a proper ciggie lol :)
i had a better night last night, i woke up what felt like every 10 mins but i was having proper dreams instead of nightmares so that was alot better. only thing was i found it really hard to wake up this morning and my eyes where all gunky :/ im wondering if i was crying in my sleep ... anyhoo im not too bad today, bored because theres nothing to do but housework so im working my way through that slowly then i might go another walk around the town later on .... thank god its a wee place i live in lol xx

[Pepperpot]

I started with the 24mg nicotine, then went to 18mg. Then 12mg but I didn't like that one lol x

[CharleneMac]

im on 18mg but i think i might need to go up for a while before i turn into a complete monster lol :)

[AnxiousGirl1]

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. If you haven't already, definitely read Paul Davids book 'At last a Life' and also check out the website (http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/)

Managed to practically cure me when I was going through chronic anxiety. I guarantee it will help :) If you need any more info feel free to message me, hope you feel better asap!

[CharleneMac]

thanks anx il give it a look and see if i can get it, im going to look on ebay and amazon to get these books and hopefully start making a change xx

well its the day after the night before and was it worth it ? well emmmm kinda. i was fine when i woke up today hangover wise. no nausea or sickness so that was really good but ive been exhausted all day. thankfully i didnt have anything i had to do so i went back to my bed this afternoon for a few hours sleep. i knew i had to go out at some point to get a food shop because ive been putting it off for weeks and weeks and we had literally nothing in, old mother hubbard had nothing on me :/ after fighting through the anxiety i managed to get myself up and to the local co-op but i was looking at the prices and knew i couldnt afford to eat for 2 weeks on those prices so i phoned my mother in law and she took us to the local tesco. well that was kinda a mistake because i went into hyperdrive in my brain and could feel myself panicking the whole way over :( i havnt been in a car for 5 weeks or been out of the town since i took the fainting turn. i made it into tesco but my mood got lower and lower because everything just seemed so expensive, it seems like life cost too much to live nowadays :( i could feel myself hyperventilating and i just wanted to run out but ive stuck it out, theres food in the house and i didnt die ( yeehhh me lol ) but now im home ive been hit by some lovely depersonalization ( one of the worst symptoms of anxiety for me ) so ive decided its dinner, bath and bed for me tonight.
so was the night out worth it for me in the end up ? Well yes ... i had 1 night where i was normal again, i could socialise and laugh so that was amazing. i could have woke up today and felt the exact same way even if i hadnt went out last night so i defo think i made the right decision and i dont regret it.
little things are starting to creep in and get to me again like the fact that the carpet fitter wont get back to me and the fact that the mental health team seems to be completly ignoring me, they still havnt called me and i think that its rediculous.
anyways il come back on later and fill in how i am ..... oh and i still havnt smoked :) go me

[Pepperpot]

Hahaha well done you.
Try and cling onto the fact that you can be "normal" again, and you will be.
What is the carpet fitter ignoring you for? And the mental health team?
And well done for not having a smoke - get some 24mg liquid if you feel ratty x

[CharleneMac]

im not too ratty today ... i was tempted last night but i remembered the 3 on that wee breath machine and thought nah its not worth ruining it, plus the kids were so happy when i told them. i was slightly smug when they said their dad had tried and failed lol ... so petty i know but it was kinda like well haha i did it :) feck u lol.
i was going to go up to the 24mg today but i think il stick this out for another few days and see how i go, im sure my body will adjust to it eventually and i wont feel quite so homicidal :)
im going to phone everywhere i need to tomorrow and give them what for for the way they have been treating me .... its about time i stood up for myself !! i was on ly weak for a little while there and it doesnt give them the right to be walking over me ... no more nice woman for me lol xx

[Pepperpot]

Haha go you. Get them all rung up. I had a pop at my sons school today on the phone actually.

X

[CharleneMac]

i was going to ask you why on here but pm me !! i hope you gave them what for xx

[CharleneMac]

ive got a support worker !!! ive to go sign the paper work on thursday !!!! omg im sooooo happy .... il be getting better !!! wooohhoooooooo

[Pepperpot]

:bighug1:

[CharleneMac]

well i had a pretty positive day. i found out about the support worker, i also spoke to the court investigator and weve worked out how i can do the court stuff and care for my anxiety :) this made me feel like a huge weight has been lifted ... so much so that i went a walk round to my sisters for the first time in weeks :) it was amazing getting to see my ickle neice who is the most adorable ickle person in the world. i took her out in the buggy and went a walk around the outside of the town, went to the park and the shop :) it was so good listening to her little laugh ... it really cheered me right up and it was great to feel normal.
BUT ( theres always a bloody but ) i put it on facebook about the support worker and there is someone i know who has a son with spina bifida. my heart goes out to the wee man it really does but she made me feel like complete and utter crap that i had a support worker when her little boy didnt. now i know i know, its different workers blah blah blah ... but it really took the wind out of my sails and my mood literally plummeted ... like im sitting here just now and i can feel the anxiety building and i wanna cry and cry. ive also had words with the other half tonight over central heating !! i want it on ... he wants it off. he made a snide remark about the windows being open ( im claustrphobic, i leave them open in the coldest of winters ) i got really peed off and snapped at him ... i knew i shouldnt have but because it is cold mt joint pains are really flaring up and im in agony tonight ( i have a semi diagnosis of fibromyalgia ) ... i need the heat to help my joints so anything that wasnt going to be helpfull just wasnt happening in my eyes. so the heating is still on but its really frosty with the atmosphere in here ... i hate it !!! i feel like im always using my illness as excuses for things but i do have certain ways i need to deal with things and i cant cope if it doesnt happen :(
im still pretty much in agony and im going through the mental barriers of being able to take painkillers ... ive had the fear again after taking the big panic attack :/ i know 2 8/500 cocodamol are nothing and it will give me enough relief to be pain free and get some sleep for a good few hours. i hate hate hate that this illness has it into my head that something will happen and now i cant take even simple pain meds :/ i will end up crippled if i dont get past this one.
so basically im sitting here with high anx, guilt, alot of pain and feeling sorry for myself !! go me eh

[Pepperpot]

Forget Facebook - don't post anything about ya anxiety on there again. As for the support worker thing, try not to let that get to you - it is not your fault that she doesn't have one yet, and she is just lashing out at you cos she's angry - try not to take it personally, you can't do anything about it.

Can you not come to a compromise? Turn on the heating for so long, say? Or have it on, but turn the radiators off in a certain room?

What worries you about taking pain relief? I went through a phase of that (simple paracetamol) but it seems t be over now thank god x

[CharleneMac]

i ended yp taking the painkillers ... sod going through all that pain for the sake of a panic attack. i just kinda figured if it happens it happens :) i onlt took paracetamol though so im not as brave as i like to make out haha !!
i had a go at that person saying she made me feel like shit but she totally missed the whole point in it all so im not going to waste my breath and let people bring me down ... thats her issues not mine !!
well today im going to attempt a day out to glasgow .... on a bus ( eeeeekkkkk ) im really not looking forward to it but my theiry is if i take my baby neice i wont panic ... i seem to be able to hold it together really well around kids so i should be ok. im just getting desperate to get out of this house and more so out of this town for a wee change !! i think cabin fever is setting in and i dont cope too well with that :/
oh and as for the heating .... i won lol :) and i even got up to turn it back off before i went to sleep so there was nothing for him to moan about haha :) hes a good man he really is but when it comes to things like heating and electricity hes a feckin nightmare xx

[CharleneMac]

ok so i went to glasgow today !! mixed feelings about how it went. firstly i should probably start with the fact that the other half went out for his driving lesson today and i stayed in the house on my own ... i survived :) slight anxiety but nothing i couldnt handle.
so when he came back i went to pick up my little neice and go for the bus ... i got to the last bus stop before the motorway which meant 25 mins on a bus that i couldnt get off of ... well ... the panic was really bad :( i thought i was going to pass out and i never get that bad when im out.i tried to play little games with my neice but it just wasnt for happening. i got to glasgow and my anxiety went sky high. there had been a few high schools evacuated today in scotland thanks to bomb scares so i got terrified there where terrorists on the lose ( im mortified about this but i just couldnt help it )
anyways i managed to get done what needed doing and i managed to sit in kfc for food so that was a bonus. i had a friend on stand by incase i needed picked up but i thought aw feck it il try the bus ... again another huge panic attack. this time i had to get off the bus at the town before mine and my friend came to get me in the car. i was doing ok on the bus till some idiot came and slammed the window shut and i couldnt feel air on my face. i started to feel like i was suffocating :( it wasnt a great feeling. i was just over the moon to get of that bus and get back into my own town. so far tonight apart from being in agony my anxiety is pretty low level now. im planning on going for a bath, taking painkillers and snuggling up with the other half to watch some tv xx

---------- Post added at 23:50 ---------- Previous post was at 19:57 ----------

urgh ... my anxiety is creeping up. i was watching a show that im totally addicted to and there was a death scene ... they did one of those really drawn out things and of course i went into overdrive !! then my mouth and lips were getting sore so i googled ( i know i know ) because i was thinking it might be the ecig and i came across all these horror stories about black tongues and the likes ... well of course thats me totally panicking that something is going to go wrong ( it doesnt matter that all of these reports were 4 years ago and there was nothing recently )
ive decided that tomorrow i need to go get sterilising fluid so i can steep the mouth peices :/ ive also noticed that my ocdness is starting to kick in again with hygeine ... i hate this because i end up making myself unwell from over bathing and things like that. thank god im going to the mental health team tomorrow and i can start unravelling the mess ive gotten myself into xx

[CharleneMac]

ive woke up with my anxiety through the roof. i feel like ive went back to the start of last week and i hate it :(
i had an awful sleep last night and i kept having vivid dreams about my ex :( this was a guy i was with for 4 years after i split from my kids dad. it was a great relationship for the most part but we had a few months split in the middle and he told me even though he was with someone else he still checked for all the pages i was on to see was i was saying ( he obv knows all my interests ) and he always googled me etc. he also told me it didnt matter what he did in life he would still come back for me and try to win me back. now i know hes married now and has a family but that has always stuck in my head and every now and again it rears itself in the form of nightmares :/ it leaves me proper anxious and freaks me out because they seem so real and it takes me forever to calm down after i wake up. ive never spoken to anyone about this, lets face it ive only really got my other half to talk to and telling him all this stuff about my ex wouldnt be a good thing, hes already got to deal with the damage my marriage caused me :( i just wish all these things would go away and leave me alone but i dont know how to start doing that .... i mean the ex totally cut me off so its not like i can speak to him to get all this stuff clarified and out my head. do i think he would still be watching what i do on social media ? yep 100% ... maybe not an every day thing but i believe he will be from time to time. last time he could tell me far too much stuff and although we got back together and it seemed cute ... its actually proper creepy now i think about it !!
uch well thats how my morning has went so far !! im now off to get ready to go see the mental health team about the support worker .... hope we all have a better day, il check in later xx

[CharleneMac]

well thats me all signed up. ive to get a support worker in 3 times a week, twice for 2 hours and once for 4 hours. the mental health worker has also said she will try and get me a councilling service to try and get over the mental scars from the domestic abuse. the relief from knowing this is all happening is huge !! to finally be working towards a normal life instead of a gop throwing medication at me to paper over the cracks. i feel like there is finally a chance and im going to give it everything ive got :) knowing that the support worker is there and i can deal with the court case again is the biggest thing in my life right now ... it means il be strong enough to fight for whats right for the kids :) to be able to go to pick them up from school, to take them places and not have to say no because mummy isnt feeling too good !! well ive decided to take this one day at a time right now. anxiety wise im not too bad tonight, ive got alot of financial worries cleared up today too and when i was telling the MHW about everything my other half does for me ... well it made me realise how amazing he is and how much i owe it too him to be getting better and letting him get some kind of life back too :) he might be a total pain in the backside but hes my pain in the backside and i wouldnt be without him ... moanyness too lol :)
tongith ive been for my bath, im going to watch a bit of tv and do some xmas shopping ( eeekkk already !! ) and do some colouring in before i go to sleep ... speak tomorrow xx

[Pepperpot]

Pleased to hear you've had a decent day. The support worker thing sounds good and you'll be able to focus on getting better now xx

[CharleneMac]

lying in bed and ive been pretty chilled most of the night. i had closed my blinds and curtains hoping id get a better sleep but then i felt claustrophobic so i opened them again and instantly felt better. lay in bed looking for xmas pressies for the kids and BAM panic attack out of nowhere !! i literally felt my whole body changing in seconds. i felt really teary and had that stomach lurch like id just had devastating news and then it was the adreniline rush !! now i dont know what to do, ive got butterflies in my stomach and i feel like i want to jump around screaming and curl up in a ball crying all at the same time !! ive had enough of this ... i mean ive done nothing to bring this on, no triggers, no outside influences .... not even my brain running away with me :/ sometimes i wonder if this really is a mental health illness or if its just a faulty adreniline gland. *look away now guys for this next bit *
after my period being so late last month and me being overly obsessed with it, well ive kept a diary every day about whats been going on. i think i ovulated yesterday and this usually means that my anxiety is naturally higher. i just dont know 100% if i did or not because it would have been earlier than normal going on my usual cycle :/ ... anyways im rambling now purely as a distraction for whats going on so i might as well shut up now and see if i can get over this and get for a sleep. fingers crossed .... if not il be back on later xx

[CharleneMac]

Im trying to type this from my phone so apologies for the spelling :/ im home alone right now and i can feel my anxiety rising. I know the other half is only at the shop and he wont be long but i can still feel it creeping in. Im in a bath right now becaise its the most calming thing for me and i didnt think id notice he was gone :/

---------- Post added at 15:37 ---------- Previous post was at 14:01 ----------

ive came back to bed, its no use today. my anxiety is too high for me to function properly :( ive got a bag of chocolate bananas and a long list of tv recorded that i can catch up on. i dont know what the hell has triggered it this time ... i got debt sorted out yesterday, realised i can get the kids all their xmas pressies no problem, had a nice day with my sissy and neice and yet now im back to hiding under the duvet again :( i didnt have that great a sleep last night either, i wasnt having nightmares but the dreams were pretty vivid and not the nicest. im starting to wonder if the stopping smoking could be affectin me more than i thought .., or maybe im just looking for reasons where there isnt any. maybe its just something i need to give time to and ride it out !! who knows ... all i know is i need to keep updating on here so i can check and see if there is a pattern to it xx

---------- Post added at 17:54 ---------- Previous post was at 15:37 ----------

i just cant settle. my brain is going a million miles an hour again and there is so much i just cant make sense of. nothing is ever going to stop if i dont start making heads and tails of everything that is going on in my life. from the very basic like i owed a friend money and they have decided because i took the breakdown ive not to pay the money back so it takes the stress of me. now this has sent my anxiety soaring because i feel so guilty about it. i know my friend has money and doesnt need it back, its not something that will be missed but the very thought of never paying that money back doesnt sit comfortable with me. we had it worked out that i would pay it back after xmas and that made me feel better knowing that i had a reprieve.
the other thing that keeps going through my mind is the situation with my kids. now when im on form i know 100% that my kids are bettr off being with me. im a bloody great mother and the bond between me and the babas is something no one could break. but the thing is im not on form right now and i know why .... the court case totally burst me and this is what brough on the breakdown. I also know that something this serious happening again is slim so i shouldnt really be worrying about it but ive a feeling if the kids where to come back to me then id have social work on my back every week and also my ex wouldnt stop fighting and picking up on every wee slip up i make. am i mentally able for that ?? to be honest i dont think i am. if it was just a case of the kids coming back here and we could have a normal life then yeh i could cope literally no problem with the mental health or not. the thing is i know my ex will still use the domestic abuse against me, he will never let me go and thats something i just dont know how to deal with. weve been apart for 7 years now but mentally im still in that exact same place i was when his punches and words were raining down on me. i dont know if il ever become someone who isnt damaged by him.
in the past few weeks ive done nothing but think and think about these things and there is literally no right answer to it all ... its trying to find one that im most comfortable with. now i can get this in my head and for a few days im settled but then something changes in me and i question it all and decide that isnt the best option after all so then im back to square 1. ive never been someone who was happy with their own decisions, ive always had someone second guess me through childhood until i met my other half ... so ive never had the security of my own mind.
when i spoke to the mental health worker yesterday she said she would try and arrange a counciller and i seriously hope she does because i dont want to live another minute in this broken head of mine. ive tried going to womens aid but because this isnt a relationship i need out of asap and im not in immediate danger i feel like they werent interested. thing is with these kind of issues how will i ever know if im making the right decision ... how will i ever have it settled in my head that things might go wrong :(
so yep thats everything thats going through my head right now ... pretty messed up eh :( no doubt il be back and forth today updating on here again ... oh the joys of being a mental health sufferer !!

---------- Post added at 19:41 ---------- Previous post was at 17:54 ----------

managed to get out a walk to the co, i was anxy and i kinda wanted to freeze on the spot a few times but i got there and back, no major anxiety either.
i was kinda lying in my bed thinking dya know what ,,,, im not letting this bugger win !! no chance is anxiety and panic taking my life again.
the bravado might disappear in the next hour though lol

[CharleneMac]

today i was woke up by the carpet fitter ... he actually turned up today !! the other half went and let him in while i hid in my room totally bursting for a pee :/ i had to wait 2 hours to go to the loo and i literally thought i was going to explode.
i went down to see the carpet and there was a letter sitting from me from the dwp. i have to renew my disability benefits when i thought i had another year to go ... this has totally floored me !! im terrified incase im put off it, il never be able to work while ive got all this stuff going on with me, god it takes me all my time to get out of the house these days. it doesnt help that im in the middle of a fibro flare so the pain is stopping me from sleeping and i can barely walk ... im like a wee auld woman just now and its horrible. im having to face my fears to take stronger painkillers soon just so i can get a sleep and sit for a while without being doubled in agony. mentally its kinda floored me too ... i just cant take much more of anything :/ i just want ... no need it all to stop now, i just want left alone

[Pepperpot]

Hey,

It's highly unlikely they will take you off the disability if you have just been assigned a support worker. So try not to worry about that.
The painkillers will help you - they're pretty safe so get them took - it will help stop you from going into a full blown panic attack if you aren't riddled with pain.

xx

[CharleneMac]

hey pep ... ive just had a drink and can feel a lump in my inner cheek so of course thats me in a total freakout now :( my gums are all swollen too and i keep thinking aw bloody brilliant i give up smoking and this stupid ecig has given me mouth cancer :/ im getting fed up with my stupid feckin brain telling me all this pointless stuff that i really dont need to be worrying about.
on a more posotive note ive been thinking i should just think about my benefits claim as everything is going to be ok ... il worry about it once i know for definate that im not getting it. like you say i should be ok, if anything im worse since the last time i got awarded it :( at least back then i could walk a fair bit , now i hobble wherever i need to go ... im actually thinking of blinging up my crutches lol.
it kind of gets to me having illnesses like these because there is nothing in this world that can prove that they are there, i swear my doctor just thinks im a junkie !!
uch well thats a conversation for another time ... its bedtime and i dont wanna get myself all revved over things lol
oh and thats me 15 days smoke free :) wooohoooo !! i never in my life thought id do it. ive even been in the room when everyone else was smoking and i coped no problem. i have very few cravings now too :) im thinking another few weeks on the medium oils .... wait till ive settled down mentally and then il lower my nicotine dosage. ive found that the ecig is hurting my mouth and lips so i dont wanna be on it too long xx

[Pepperpot]

Yayyyyy 15 days - way to go :) Yeah, mine used to leak liquid every now and again and burn my lips lol. The lump is prob an abscess - don't worry too much about it. Same with the gums. Give them a few days to settle. Try ambesol liquid - it's good for stuff like that.
Your doctor won't think you're a junkie - he'll know you suffer with anxiety and need reassured. Well he should lol.
The lump in my throat has made an unwelcome appearance again. It's really getting on my nerves. I've also had chest pains today, which I haven't had for at least a week. x

[Lan69]

I just have to say well done for giving up the smoking, and don't worry about the gums it will because the blood supply will be returning to them
My smoking is way out of control, I think I use it as a distraction which is totally wrong.
I also lived in my bedroom for weeks and I have been hospitalised twice ! I'm now under the care of the crisis team and now have a cpn and a support worker ready to step in when the crisis team discharge me.

[CharleneMac]

Hey Lang, it sounds like you have came a long way then if you have people on standby for when the other team leaves :) that is an amazing thing to have .... you should be really proud of yourself.
giving up smoking was kinda a default from the huge panic attack i had. the day after i tried to smoke a ciggie and i ended up sick and dizzy and my heart felt like it was going to explode. i was a few days off it cold turkey but the cravings kicked back in ... i knew there was no way i wanted to feel like i did with the cigs again so i went onto the ecig. its been a total godsend although these small side effects are starting to get to me. ive read up a bit and aparantly its the blood flow coming back to my gums and my blood thinning again that can cause it all. im so busy thinking its bad things to do with the vaping that im forgetting that i dont smoke anymore and thats more than likely the cause lol.
i do suffer alot from mouth problems because im ashamed to say my dental hygeine isnt the greatest :( but ive got prescription toothpaste and mouthwash so il be giving that a go to build up my teeth and gums again. ive decided if i stay off the ciggies for a year then im going to go get my teeth whitened and theres no point doing that if im not going to care for them afterwards lol.
anyways thats enough of a rant from me ... i hope you have a good day today and keep in touch :) id love to know how you are getting on with everything xx

---------- Post added at 12:42 ---------- Previous post was at 12:40 ----------

hey pep, aw god theres nothing worse than those bloody chest pains :( are you taking time out to relax and destress ? stupid question i know because its so hard to do that but it will really help you. have you read the symptoms list on here too ? theres a reason for the lump in the throat feeling but i cant remember off hand what it was :/ il have a look and copy and paste it onto here for u xxx

---------- Post added at 12:44 ---------- Previous post was at 12:42 ----------

Throat tightening/Choking/Swallowing problems


What you feel:


Often one of the first symptoms of anxiety. People complain of feeling as though they will choke or being strangled. In reality its not nearly so dramatic – the muscles in the throat contract and salivary glands produce thick mucus leading to a feeling of restriction around the throat, it can produce a feeling that you are having difficulty swallowing or breathing. In fact you are not having difficulty, it just feels as though you are. You also get a dry mouth and it can feel like you cannot drink but you can.
You feel as though there is something stuck in your throat or sometimes feel there is a lump in your throat. Other times you may feel that you can barely swallow or that there is a tightness in the throat, or that you have to really force yourself to swallow. Sometimes this feeling can lead you to think that you may suffocate or get something stuck in your throat.
What causes this:


When in danger, stress biology produces a tightening in the throat muscles which produces the choking or 'something stuck in the throat' feeling. When in a nervous or stressful situation, many people will experience this feeling. It is often referred to as 'a lump on your throat'.
There is minimal danger of choking or suffocating under normal conditions, however, some people are very sensitive to things in their throat and therefore caution should always be observed when eating. Chewing food thoroughly andslowly will prevent inadvertently swallowing something that may provoke someone to gag. This symptom can come and go, and may seem to intensify if one becomes focused on it.

---------- Post added at 12:44 ---------- Previous post was at 12:44 ----------

hope this helps u hunni xx

[Lan69]

Yeah I had problems with my gums when I gave up smoking last year but the dentist reassured me this was normal. Unfortunately I started again last August, had a trying time as my eldest son (20 at the time) was sectioned and diagnosed with schizophrenia, he's still in hospital.
I was on citalopram at the time which I had been on for a couple of years but with everything that was going on visiting my son, work etc I sort of forgot to take them. Then in march this year BANG my anxiety returned with a vengeance. Was house bound and couldn't leave my bed( I didn't even feel safe there) was a nightmare

[CharleneMac]

lan you really have had a hell of a time of it :( are you getting better now ?? i really hope things start working out better for u xx

[Lan69]

lan you really have had a hell of a time of it :( are you getting better now ?? i really hope things start working out better for u xx

Thank you
The physical symptoms have lessened but my mind still in overdrive ! Plus I have the extra worry about money as my ssp runs out this month so I think I have to apply for ESA. I can't believe Iv gone from a well paid job to now living on £80 a week ..... Then I don't know if I will ever get back to my job or if they will keep it open for me.
It's a very challenging and distressing time that isn't helping my anxiety at the moment

[CharleneMac]

my anxiety has been bad today :( i had to come to bed a few times due to totally exhaustion :( ive literally not got much done at all and its driving me insane. ive had a few things told to me today as well and its caused me to go into hyper drive with panic :( i live in a proper rough area and ive read a few things that have made me feel proper threatened :( im now scared and panicky. my other half has told me that ive read too much into it and ive not to worry. its easier said thean done though isnt it when ive got anxiety issues. right now i cant process things the way other people do and it is very fustrating. its getting to the point were im scared to go to sleep tonight now :(
so far ive not went into an attack that i cant handle so thats a positive.
i also read tonight about an accident that happened to someone who was smoking an ecig. it was all over facebook so it wasnt something i could avoid but yep you have guessed it ... im now too scared to use my ecig :( now i keep trying to work out how the cig could do the damage that they are reporting it did ... part of me doesnt believe it ... infact i think its someing tobacco companies would make up because so many people are giving up smoking, but i still have this rediculous fear of it now :(
i hate hate hate HATE!!! being like this !!! i cant handle it ... i dont want it and as soon as i work out how il be rid of this god damn illness

[clarisse]

There are a lot of incidents regarding E Cigs .Im sorry to say.
But thoe main cause is either cheap dodgy makes usually made in China,or incorrect charging and maintenance.

The Fire service says this;


"The most common cause of fire appears to be either using incorrect chargers or over-tightening the screwed connection to the rechargeable battery resulting in mechanical damage.
This causes the battery cells to decompose, creating heat and possible failure.

A third danger is caused by “over charging” as unlike most mobile phones, many lithium-ion batteries within e-cigarettes do not have any protection to stop the coil overheating, which can lead to the battery exploding.

Only using the charger supplied with your kit, not to mix and match components from different e-cig manufacturers, and never over tighten a battery on to the charger.

Do not leave them unattended whilst on charge, clean the battery centre pin and charger contact at least once a week with tissue or alcohol wipes, and remove the battery from charger when fully charged."

[Lan69]

my anxiety has been bad today :( i had to come to bed a few times due to totally exhaustion :( ive literally not got much done at all and its driving me insane. ive had a few things told to me today as well and its caused me to go into hyper drive with panic :( i live in a proper rough area and ive read a few things that have made me feel proper threatened :( im now scared and panicky. my other half has told me that ive read too much into it and ive not to worry. its easier said thean done though isnt it when ive got anxiety issues. right now i cant process things the way other people do and it is very fustrating. its getting to the point were im scared to go to sleep tonight now :(
so far ive not went into an attack that i cant handle so thats a positive.
i also read tonight about an accident that happened to someone who was smoking an ecig. it was all over facebook so it wasnt something i could avoid but yep you have guessed it ... im now too scared to use my ecig :( now i keep trying to work out how the cig could do the damage that they are reporting it did ... part of me doesnt believe it ... infact i think its someing tobacco companies would make up because so many people are giving up smoking, but i still have this rediculous fear of it now :(
i hate hate hate HATE!!! being like this !!! i cant handle it ... i dont want it and as soon as i work out how il be rid of this god damn illness

I know exactly how you feel, how can people accept it ! I hate it with a passion.
Iv used e cigs before and it's like everything else you always read bad things about them so I wouldn't take much heed of what you read. I know it's hard cos our brains do process things differently and the words' don't worry' do not help. I saw blue lights outside my house last night and was convinced it was the police bringing me bad news about my son, I had to ring ward just to reassure myself.
I can't stand being like this !!

[Pepperpot]

You can get them safe charging bags for a few quid online too charge it in if you're worried. If it was the same story I read from America then yeah, I would have panicked too lol.
You know what, I never read that thing you posted properly last time I looked at it - it describes me perfectly - the thick mucus stuff, etc. Bloody horrid it is man.
Yeah, I get worried about where I live too although I live in a normal area - doesn't stop me from worrying tho.
How you feeling today x

[CharleneMac]

hey all, im usually pretty good with the charging thing. i only do it till it turns green then its straight off and i only need to do it a few times a week. i really shouldnt have freaked out over the story, when i read it i thought ok that couldnt possibly have been caused by one ecig ... but then the anxiety took over and freaked me out :/
as it turns out i cant vape today anyways because ive woke up with sticky eyes, a sore throat and a belting sore head :( looks like it will be a day in bed for me ( ohhh woohoooo my bed .... not)
this is the first ive been physical not well for a few weeks so im thinking this is a bonus. its making all my pain even worse and i can barely walk :( this totally sucks !!
but on the plus side i read my benefits award and it was awarded till next year .... im going to phone them today to find out whats going on ... if i can get a voice out lol.
oohhh and that women is still going on about the thing on facebook, she wont let it go !! thank god there is a few of us on this street who can stick together because this is a total nightmare xx

[Lan69]

Hope your feeling better soon

[CharleneMac]

ok so another day done and dusted. ive still not heard whats happening with the support worker. i wish i knew :( i just want to get this started and get recovery in my sights. i cant phone the court official will i know if the support worker will help me and i think they might be getting a bit fed up with me :(
my anxiety has been up and down today :( i hate how all over the place i am. i know i should be going to the doctor for help but hes just not interested, he will try and get me to take more ssris and i cant tolerate them. i wish i knew the answer !!
ive also been feeling a bit unwell today so ive been in and out my bed and ive got total exhaustion :( i did manage to get my bedroom nearly clean after it sitting in a tip for about 3 months so thats a bonus. i just dont know whats gotten into me that ive got a fear of getting my house cleaned up ... i mean it isnt so bad and it would take maybe 20 mins per room to get it done but theres something in my head that just wont allow me .... it makes my anxiety go sky high and ive no idea why that is :(
ive always had this thing where i dont clean the kids rooms till the day before they come down because when i see messy beds and toys out it feels like they are still here ... but now its spilling onto the rest of the house :/
lets face it theres no real reason why i should be scared of cleaning but hey .... thats just another thing in my weird life eh !!
anyways im pretty mentally exhausted tonight, i feel pretty flat and ive got those all over body tremors that make me feel like im taking a fit :(
the gp has told me if i was going to take a fit i wouldnt know about it so i dont worry as much that it will happen but i still catch myself every now and again thinking ooohhhh it might happen !!
i wish i could turn off the what ifs .... it would make such a huge difference to my familys life.
anyways thats me going to try and get to sleep so il be back on tomorrow ... nahnight xx

---------- Post added 22-09-15 at 02:00 ---------- Previous post was 21-09-15 at 22:52 ----------

its the 3 year anniversary of my ex stealing my kids. i feel like my heart is ripping in 2. i miss my kids every second of every day but this is just too much to take. there was no need for him to do what he did, it was out of spite for me getting a new relationship and him not being able to control me anymore. ive now had 3 years of missed time with my kids, no homework, no school pick ups, no holidays, no laughter at dinner time, no sticky hand marks all over the place, no moaning to get them to tidy up, no one telling me my cooking sucks and they arnt eating it, no one banging on the bathroom door when im trying to pee, no ' mum tell him/her', no christmas mornings, no new years celebrations with schlor kiddie wine and cake, no school discos, no halloween, no fireworks night or easter, no water fights in the garden, no bbqs in the summer, no cuddles at night, no i love yous ... no fire in my heart !!
i do see my kids for 2 days out of 14 ... but thats nothing. i get no school reports or photos, i dont get to uniform shop or even sharpen a pencil, im not allowed to get my kids haircut .... nothing !! its killing me
i feel empty, i feel like when he stole the kids he took my heart too ... im literally souless without my babies !!! i just want a cuddle from my boy and to see my little girl twirl around the living room. ive got a voice message from my daughter saying love you mummy ... i just want to listen to it over and over again .... aw god i cant take this !!! right im going to need to calm down. if i can sleep itl be tomorrow before im back ... hopefully i can xx

[Lan69]

Are you on any medication ?
If you don't have the concentration to read have you tried listening to Claire weeks on audio? I listened to her daily when I never left my bed

[CharleneMac]

im awake .... i dont want to be. as soon as i opened my eyes i felt my heart ripping in 2. i cant do today, i dont want to do it.
ive only got buspirone as a med Lan but thats stopped working. im ment to have a support worker but i dont know when they are starting.
il come on later once i feel a bit better because nothing i say right now is going to be positive xx

[Pepperpot]

This may be the "anniversary" of him taking the kids, but try and think of it as the first day you decided that enough was enough and you're taking positive steps to bring them back xxx

[CharleneMac]

well i didnt think i could do it but i did :)
my mother in law came round and dragged me to her house to help with some garden stuff ( she didnt make me do it but she didnt want me sitting in the house brooding ) she made me brekkie and dinner tonight :) i have to say it was a great plan she had because i havnt had much anxiety at all today. a few times i felt really sad but i got up and did something else to take my mind off things so i got by.
the good news also is that the mental health worker and my support worker are coming out tomorrow for my assesment :) this means as pepperpot says ... today is my turning point :) feeling the sadness ive felt today i knew i couldnt just stop fighting. the kids will never be better off with a narcacistic bully when they have me as a mother so im going to fight fight fight. im in bed now and ive got that all over body tremor thing going on tonight and its horrible but when i think back to last night and i was crying myself to sleep ... well its a massive improvement !! xx

---------- Post added 23-09-15 at 01:22 ---------- Previous post was 22-09-15 at 22:53 ----------

well im trying to sleep but it wont happen. ive just been hit with an over whelming sadness ... like i cant breath for it:( i dont think ive ever felt so lonely in my entire life !! ive got my mum, dad, step dad, 4 brothers and 4 sisters and not 1 person has called or text me to ask if im ok since this breakdown. literally not 1 person gives a shit and its made me feel totally isolated. it has preoper hurt me ... its like how can the kids want to be here when not 1 person in this family cares. they dont give a damn about any of it ... as long as they are in their own wee bubbles then to hell with everyone else.
dya know something .... it really really hurts. i dont understand what the hell ive done to deserve that and i know ive not done a thing ... infact im the one who is always there for them. just last week i was taking my neice out so my sister could decorate even though i felt like crap. yeh i know it was to help out with my panic as well but you would think that that would warrant at least 1 text to ask how i am !! NOPE not 1 thing !! its pretty heartbreaking when i think about it. im now left with no one but you to talk to and at the end of the day all this is is a bit of plastic with microchips .... christ a laptop is my only bloody friend in the world, yeh i feel amazing thinking about that !!
ive been thinking alot about the kids too and im bloody terrified that im going to be told they cant come back to me and i think that will be worse than whats going on now. right now they are there because i havnt fought to get them back so its kinda on my terms. how the hell would i cope if someone said actually your women beating controlling ex is the better parent !! that will literally kill me to know hes had that satisfaction :(
then on the other hand im terrified the kids do come back and hate being here with me .... i mean its hardly a barell of bloody laughs in this house right now !! you could literally cut the air with a knife with the tension.
i just feel so unsupported and i keep saying to people that its ok that they havnt been there for me but its not .... it really isnt !!! i need to feel love and to know its all worth it.
right now nothing feels worth it. nothing feels like its worth waking up to anymore .... i just wanna lie in bed and watch pointless tv and not know theres a world outside my windows. but i know this is something i cant do ... for starters it would give all these people 1 up on me, they would feel like they were winners ... and they arnt !!
i just want my life back .... i want to go to sleep and wake up and this has all been a nightmare and my kids are back home. i dont want all this fighting and i dont want to be bowing down to my ex and having to beg him for my kids .... ok im getting too upset now xx

[Lan69]

Anxiety and depression is a lonely illness, Iv found that out. Iv seen a few 'friends' true colours and yes it does hurt but you have to think of yourself and you won't always feel this way!
It's been a learning curve that's how I'm trying to see it and I believe we will come out out of this a better a stronger person

[Pepperpot]

You aren't going to get better instantly, but in small steps. You will have good days and bad days, but soon your good days will outweigh the bad. Set yourself small goals of what you want to achieve (ie progress from having kids once a week to 2 days a week, etc).
I know it's hard, but try not to let your family upset you. If they want nothing to do with you then it's hard (I know this as my hubby has this issue) but it's THEIR LOSS. Do nothing for them - then you can't be upset if they do nothing for you. Sorry it is a bit harsh but that's my way of thinking lol.
When the mental health people come (or if they have been email them) ask them the honest likelihood of getting your kids back with you. I don't know the whole story behind them not living with you, and I don't expect you to tell anyone, but they'll know and will be able to advise you and come up with a plan. The main thing is that you get better. You are going to have to find a way of making yourself take medication if needs be - anything to get you back on track and be a full-time mam that you are so desperate to be x

[CharleneMac]

ive got a few things to do today so i cant talk much but last night i totally fell apart. i ended up sleeping on the sofa just bawling my eyes out till i fell asleep. this morning i woke up riddled with anxiety but im starting to calm down more that im awake. the mental health team are coming out today at 3 so il be speaking to them about everything then.
il come on tonight when ive got more time to chat and il explain about the kids not being with me, its something im very open and honest about because i didnt do anything wrong. it was all down to my violent and controlling ex husband not having control over me anymore so he took the kids from me with false alligations ( they were proved to be false very quickly ) .... be back on in a bit xx

[Pepperpot]

Ok - I'm just pottering about tidying and sorting uniforms/other random stuff out so will be back on in a bit x

[CharleneMac]

hey pep, sorry this is me only just getting on.
well il start with the mental health thingy ... it went amazing. i was sooo hot though when i was trying to talk to them and i was sweating in sheets, this is a new thing for the anxiety. i looked like a right weirdo with a wet dish towel round my neck but uch they understand :) anyways it is the 3 times a week, 8 hours in total :) they will sit with me so the other half can get out or take me out and about so i can get used to outside. they will help me get into a better routine and if im too sore or bedridden with anxiety they will even do my housework !! not that id ever allow that but omg how supportive does that sound. they will even go to any medicals ive got, anything to do with the courts and they are still getting me the councillor. i have such a good feeling about it all :)
THEN my other half went and got me a little fur baby :) i am now the proud owner of a little 4 month old kitten, hes a little boy and ive called him buster. i am totally in love :) ive been so busy tonight trying to make him cosey that ive not had time to panic or have anxiety :) its been so relaxing just sitting cuddled in with this wee furball ... i didnt think i could do pets again but i have to say this was a great move on the misters part, hes given me a little thing to love and fuss over in the time when my own babies arnt here ... oh and they dont know hes here so i cannot wait to see their ickly faces tomorrow night when they see him :)

i know i said that i would speak about what happened with the kids tonight but i think it would be a bad move on my part to rake up all those negative feelings and memories. i honestly didnt think id feel this calm tonight !! but i will explain it all over the next few days. im finding it is very theraputic to talk to you all, especially pepperpot :) to be able to get it out exactly as i feel it is amazing and i cant thank you enough for listening to my ramblings day in and day out.
ok now im going to try and go to sleep even though wee squealy bags will likely try and chew my toes in the night lol xx

[Pepperpot]

Haha it's ok, I had manflu last night (terrible illness but as I'm a woman I coped :roflmao:) so went to bed quite early.
Don't worry about explaining yourself - you don't even have to. I wouldn't think any less of you either way :)
Awwww I love kittens - it's when they wreck your furniture that aggravates me lol. It was a good move on your OH's part - it gives you something to focus on. You said that you didn't have time for anxiety or panic - well that's good cos I bet you didn't have any symptoms either - which means 1) you are not coming down with a sinister disease, and 2) with the right kind of things to focus on/distract you, you can beat anxiety.

I will admit, I was giggling at the thought of you with a wet towel round your neck lol x

[CharleneMac]

hey luv ... ive got the kids here now till monday :) between them and the kitten im sure il get through. ive got the support worker coming in tomorrow as well so i hope that will help me keep my anxiety down.
i had to go get a food shop in the for the kids and all the kitten stuff so that ment i had to go out today. the retail park is about 9 miles away from us so the other halfs cousin took us in the car. i have to say i was totally bricking it but the other half was telling me to think of one thing at a time so it was like ok b&m ... lets get this stuff and if its too hard we can just go home etc. in the ned up i got everything i needed so im proper happy with that :) i went and got a burger king to eat when i got home ... about half an hour after i ate it my heart was racing and i had loads of palps :( i honestly havnt felt right since and the other half reckons its the amount of sugars in it that triggered it. ive just had a can of grape soda and the same thing happened and when i had magic stars the other night it happened too !! so now i cant have caffiene, i barely drink alcahol and i dont smoke .... now i need to give up anything with sugars :( pppffttt thats enough to make me panic ... i feel like i cant do anything these days.
basically tonight i had dinner, a bath and now im in bed with the youngest. my heads banging and my heart racing so this is loads of fun ... nawt :(
i just wish this hadnt happened because it would have been a greaat day otherwise ,,, why does it all have to be ruined :(
anyways .... how goes the man flu ?? theres nothing worse !! i hope your looking after you and the kids are doing everything till u feel better xx

---------- Post added at 22:04 ---------- Previous post was at 21:06 ----------

ggrrrrrr my anxiety is going through the roof !! my head is really sore tonight as well but not like a headache ... more shooting pains like the ones you get when you come of antidepressants. surely i cant be getting them when i only took the fluox for 4 days :/
i feel like im going to go into a panic attack but im fighting it with every single thing ive got !! i cant do this while the kids are here ... the very last thing my kids need to be seeing is me in a state !! and of course every single thing they have taught me to stop them from getting worse has went right out the window and i cant think of anything im ment to be doing. i am now 1 week off of my period being due so i know that 100% my anxiety will double but its always usually on a managable level. i hate that ive got the rediculously exagerated anxiety right now. i dont care what anyone says about evolution and why we have the fight or flight ... there will never be any situation this amount of illness is necesary for !!
the kids are downstairs with my other half just now, hes keeping them entertained. my daughter was in beside me but her dvd finished and i was watching tv she didnt want to watch so now im like aw god its gotten to the stage where im boring my daughter and she doesnt want to be with me !! its like a million pointless things going round my head. i know really she wanted to be downstairs because my son was down there with the kitten and she wasnt ... but nope its got to be my fault and she hates me :(
i think im going to register with a different doctor tomorrow and see if i can get further help to get this anxiety at a more managable level. it doesnt help that all my pain is getting bad so im finding it difficult to walk. they keep saying there is nothing physically wrong with my knees but u can feel things under the skin and feel them grinding and the noises ... well the other half feels sick if he walks up stairs behind me the creaking is so bad.
im just feeling panicky and miserable tonight now :/
ive a feeling i might be on a good few times more tonight till i get this all out because im refusing to let this ruin my weekend with the kids xx

[CharleneMac]

omg worst sleep ever !! i woke up shouting at the other half because he had the telly on and it was interrupting my sleep so now hes in a huff with me. i wouldnt let my 8 year old sleep in bed with us so now shes in a huff with me. the kitten decided at 4 this morning it needed the loo and stunk out my whole room ( in the litter tray ) and sat for 10 mins trying to bury it making a right racket so the other half got up and took the tray down to empty it and then the kitten started meowing its head off for half an hour. i just managed to get him settled down and nod back off when my sneaky youngest crawled into bed with us. i was too tired to argue so now ive woke up in total agony from sleeping on the edge of the bed with 3 wee tiny knees in my back. i try to explain to them about the fibromyalgia, the importance of me getting to sleep etc but the 2 kids forget and my other half ? well he just pretends it doesnt exsist sometimes and then ive got to feel like the bad guy :/
thank god for my wee boy today lol ... hes the only one who still likes me and im getting loads of cuddles n stuff ( mainly so he doesnt have to do anything else but a cuddles a cuddle lol )
ive got the support worker coming out in less than an hour and im like wtf am i ment to do with them ? i have no clue !! i think im more outraged at the fact i need to put on a bra for this, i seriously cannot be bothered with anything today !! it looks like its going to piss down as well so i wont be getting the kids to even the local park and that sucks. thank god weve got plenty planned for what we want to do if its in the house but we need to wait on my step son getting here before we can do it.
i used to loved doing the kinect with the kids, just dance and stuff but i cant even do that anymore ..... it sucks !!
anyways thats my morning rant .... il be back on later to fill you all in on my day xx

[CharleneMac]

cant really decide if today is a good day or not. i found out my is has been giving the kids a pound a day, 7 pounds on a tuesday and 5 pounds on a friday. this has only been since the court inspection was ordered. now the kids wont listen to me and are demanding money every 2 minutes. ive been told its ok if you dont give me because my dad will !!
this has made me sooooo angry. i bake with the kids, we paint, play games, sing, cuddle up to watch dvds, we go to the park etc. he sits on his fat lazy backside with his face in the ipad and ignores them and now hes some sorta god because hes throwing money at them !!!!
ive done a chore door. if they want money then they need to do chores ... its as simple as that.
also my son has thrown a fit because hes been told he wasnt allowed on his phone or xbox for an hour !! omg you would think i was trying to drown him ... seems hes allowed on it 24/7 at his dads and me trying to gain any control of the situation is hopeless. he is now sitting on the stairs screaming crying and making himself sick because he threw so much of a tantrum i made him sit out there !!
this is a total bloody joke. im actual about to fall apart with the guilt trip hes laying on me :(

[CharleneMac]

so after all the huff we managed to get it back on an even keel. we ended up doing paper mache balloons so we can paint halloween decorations tomorrow. its something i do for the kids because they arnt with us on halloween. i made gruesome food, decorate the house and have a scary dvd night. thats us planning it all 5 weeks in advance lol but we get so little time that we need to do things in the times we do have the kids.
anxiety wise ive not been too bad today. the support worker came out and left again ... not sure why and i wasnt happy about it. she said it was because the kids were there, now it was my understanding she would help me get out and about with my kids so i wasnt relying on the other half so much. im not feeling as hopeful as i was about the service ... we shall wait and see what happens in the future i guess.
the other half drove me insane tonight as well getting under my feet when i was trying to cook ... there is defo pmdd symptoms kicking in and my moods are swinging really badly :( this isnt good because i know how this all turns out ... i mean last month i was in such a state i ended up in hospital .... hence the reason i started this whole thread :/
anyways im not going to be dwelling on all of that !! heres hoping i get a better sleep tonight because its a day of painting and baking cakes tomorrow .... oh and im taking the kids to our local for dinner tomorrow night too !! il not be fit for anything by the time they leave again lol xx

---------- Post added at 00:26 ---------- Previous post was at 00:05 ----------

just tried to read the start of this thread ... there was bits i just couldnt read !! i knew my frame of mind when i wrote it and i dont want it trigerring anything. the bits i did read has made me realise how far ive came even in these few weeks. 2 weeks ago today i was a nervous wreck, i was having nightmares the night before and massive panic attacks. granted im not getting a great sleep now but thats more to do with the stinky poos from the kitten, meowing and my daughter taking over my bed lol.
2 weeks ago i was feeling so bad i didnt take the kids for the weekend, only a few hours but this time ive got them for 4 days and i didnt question it in the slightest :) the only issues weve had was how to get thim picked up and dropped off that didnt involve me going on the bus or the other half leaving me alone to go get them. they were dropped off yesterday and my cous in law is taking them back on monday in the car :) also the other half went out for an hour tonight and i didnt even think about the fact he was out ... i just went for a bubble bath and was shocked he was back so quick lol :)
im glad ive been documenting this so much even if most of it seems like utter crap to most people ... looking back i know exactly what was going on and when and now i can think weeellllll its really not that bad, look at such and such and see how far you have came.
right im really off this time :) ooohhhh and im 3 weeks off the ciggies and ive still not had 1 ciggie ...not even a sneaky draw from 1 lol :) who would have thought it eh lol xx

[CharleneMac]

its happening again. i went to take the boys to get their haircut and bam .... full on panic attack. i literally felt like my body was going to give up there and then ... like i couldnt stand up or walk, all i wanted to do was lie down.
i managed to get home and im now in bed but the kids are all in a huff with me because i said we were going out for dinner today. my daughter got all dressed up and she looks mega cute and the boys look all handsome with their haircuts ... and i cant take them !! im trying to get beyond this barrier of panic and fear but i cant ... it just wont go :(
after i put this away last night i tried to go to sleep and i was having massive anxiety attacks. i had to go downstairs to sleep on the sofa while the other half was down there playing xbox and he woke me up to come up when he was coming to bed. it was pretty bad and ive noticed last night and today ive got alot of depersonalisation :(
it feels like im trapped at the other side of glass while my family all do things at the other side and i cant get through to them. its proper horrible.
my oldest son is 11 and he was asking what a panic attack was and how you knew you had one. the only thing i could say was you would know if you had one ... it was a horrible feeling all over your body. its like someone shouting at you and trying to hit you and the scared feeling you would get but i get that without the shouting or hitting.
i didnt know what else to say at the time but im thinking i need to start teaching my son about what goes on so he doesnt worry about me.
im thinking of speaking to the kids and telling them il but a takeaway for dinner tonight and loads of snacks and we can have a pyjama party in mummys bed with dvds. hopefully they will be ok with that and i still get to spend time with them but i dont need to go out !!
ive also noticed today that im having lots and lots of cramp :/ i know its hormones causing all of this now but question is what i can do about it :( .... im on the 5 day countdown now and hopefully all of this will go away again ... till laters xx

[Pepperpot]

Kids are ace at doing that - don't give in - you aren't doing anything wrong. I went to shops other day and bought a cork board and am going to make a jobs board with bags of coins attached and a job for each bag cos my kids won''t do anything to help but expect money lol x

[CharleneMac]

hey pep ... ive done that too !! ive got a glass panelled door and there is money bags with jobs in. they have to put it on a to do panel ( they all have a strip with their names on ) then the done panel. these past 2 days the downstairs has been spotless its great !! xx

---------- Post added at 21:06 ---------- Previous post was at 18:51 ----------

ive been so up and down today its unbelievable :( im going between anxiety, panic and crying like a loon !! im still stuck in bed but the kids have been up with me to do the xmas lists ... i need to rob a bank for this lot lol.
the mister was up for a while to let me cuddle into him and let some of the tears out. i was sobbing like a baby saying i wanted to be a horrible person because it seems this illness only affects nice people :( i kept saying it over and over like a total head case :( he kept telling me that all my guilt wasnt worth it because the kids are just happy to be in their own home for the weekend that it doesnt make a difference if im beside them 24/7. i guess its kinda true, the boys are all just playing games and my daughter has a roll of lining paper and a full art easel. all i need to do is show face every now and again and they are happy.
i wish i could tell myself that it was true, ive got this constant feeling like im letting them down ( yep that one again ) i bloody hate it !!
anyways im going through one of my more peaceful 5 mins so im going off now to enjoy it before one of the other emotions rears its ugly head and im off on one again xx

[Pepperpot]

Don't feel like you're letting them down. It is hard I know, cos I became riddled with this on the very first day of the school holidays and all the stuff I had planned to do such as Ligh****er Valley, Flamingo Land etc went out the window cos I kept taking panic attacks. I spent a week in bed then I pulled my finger out and forced myself to do things such as go to the local beach to build sandcastles - I felt so guilty but I couldn't do anything about it. x

[CharleneMac]

aw hunni i really feel for u :( there is nothing worse than having to cancel things because of this damn illness !! i feel like ive got the illness but 4 other people suffer the effects from it :/ its not fair on them. i ended up spending 1 on 1 time with them tonight going through the argos catalogues and doing their xmas lists .... i added it all up and its only 2 and a half grands worth of stuff they want haha !! looks like mummy needs to do her research and find things cheaper and better ( thats why i start now lol ... it takes me months ) but it was nice just to sit with each of them for half an hour :) my stepson is leaving at half 9 in the morning so its back to just my 2 till teatime on monday. i was sitting sobbing my heart out earlier because i was like i miss them every second of every day and then when they are here i am riddled with anxiety because i know they have to leave again in a few days so that in turn triggers anxiety :/ im then stuck on the sofa or in bed and cant do much with them !! its like a never ending cycle now. all i flamin do is cry nowadays ... my eyes are permanatly swollen ... i wish i could get out of this. it doesnt help when im due on because normally with this i cry at everything ... even adverts, so right now im like feckin niagra falls !!
i dont know how tomorrow will pan out, i really really dont want to be stuck in bed the whole time. i know i just need to get through that and the support worker will be out on monday and she might know some way of me being able to cope with all of this.
god all i seem to do nowadays is moan moan moan ... every single person i speak to gets the full sob story :( ... while im on that subject i might as well tell you all what got me into this sorry mess ........

---------- Post added at 00:28 ---------- Previous post was at 00:12 ----------

i was married to a guy who hada hell of a temper, was physically and mentally abusive. about 7 years ago i finally got the strength to leave him. i met another guy 4 months later but my ex was constantly trying to split us up. he was watching my house and told social work he was going to put a bullet through me. this led to me moving house pretty much every 6 months trying to get away from him. eventually in 2011 i decided to stand my ground and tried to have a co parenting relationship with him. he was invited to everything the kids done at school or birthdays etc ... i even cooked him and his missus dinner a few times and babysit their kid.
in 2012 my relationship had ended again with the other guy and my ex husband seen this as an opportunity to get closer to me, calling me wifey etc.
i ended up taking the break up bad and found myself having problems mentally. i asked my ex husband and his partner to help and they werent interested, i was told they would help when they took the kids 2 days out of 14 ( yeh that was big of him eh )
eventually i met my now other half and when the ex husband met him he hated him straight away, he realised he couldnt control me anymore and he didnt like that 1 bit.
the first time he got access to the kids after meeting the other half he made up lies that my partner had hit my son. i was subjected to a social work and police investigation that proved his lies but as we had equal rights i had to then fight HIM to get the kids back. because i was on disability benefits i was no longer entitled to the 3 bedroom private let i had. the ex husband lied to the courts about reports etc until he ensured i lost my house. the courts told me i couldnt fight till i had a big enough house, the council told me i couldnt get the house till i got the kids so i was stuck !! i had to conceed that the kids live with him. eventually i went from a 1 bed flat to a 2 bed flat and now a 3 bed house. in the time i had accepted the kids living with him i asked for a divorce and he refused. he messed about access and i even didnt have the kids for xmas one year ( that destroyed me ) at the beginning i didnt see my kids for 3 months either and how i got through that il never know.
a few times my kids have came to me and told me the dad is hiiting them and on 1 occasion he threw my daighter out the house at night and told her she didnt live with him anymore ...shes 8 :/ this led to a social work investigation and police investigation who couldnt do anything because the only evidence they have is the kids word against him. socail work is now carrying out a child protection ivnestigation but they dont tell me anything even though the courts have ruled ive to know every little detail. i get treated like a glorified babysitter. straight after those investigations i got made give my kids back and it was thee hardest thing ive ever done in my life !! 3 weeks later was the court case and thats pretty much where im at now .... all of that caused me to have a mental breakdown and this totally insane fear of trying to get the kids back. i literally cant do the court case ... i just cant !! im terrified to face him after everything hes done to me. hes destroyed my heart and my soul. i dont know how to get back from this but i will ... i have to for my children. they are my whole life and i need to getthem back with me and safe !! sssooooo yeh thats it. there is more wee bits and peices that go along with it all but id be here all night typing if i went into it all :(
as it turns out my other half is the most amazing influence ive ever had in my life. he never puts me down, he gives me strength and support and he gets me through each and every day.
with the kids hes always playing with them, rolling about the floor, going to the park, playing football etc. he takes time out to spend with them, never puts them down or shouts at them, hes certainly never once hit them.
he sits and teaches my son how to play xbox ( hes non too happy now my son can beat him lol ) he never lets me fall apart too much, he lets me cry and he tells me when im being stupid. hes a total rock and has gave me a settled life for the first time ever !!! oh and the kids love him to bits ... hes the fun one and im the grump lol :)
so yeh thats the story xx

[CharleneMac]

anyone else ever be sitting doing something quite normal, not thinking about much and certainly nothing bad but then your heart just sinks and your belly goes like youve just been told some devastating news ?? its proper horrible.
i was sitting with the girlie doing each others nails and having a giggle when it hit me :( i dont want to be feeling sad !! ive only got the kids till tomorrow afternoon so i wanna enjoy this time with them .... grrrrrrrr

[CharleneMac]

i have discovered that ive got a dodgy tum ... it isnt pleasant :( anything i eat makes me feel sick and i cant stray far from a loo ... ohhh the joys.
i managed to get up and go for a bath and the youngest came in with me, shes never grown out of that habit lol.
came out the bath and made dinner. i make big home made dinners all the time but this time i was looking at everything like emmmm what do i do ? i was really scary because i got really confused so it stressed me out and me and the other half ended up arguing :( we never shout at each other, yep we bicker constantly but nothing like that. i didnt like it ... this is how my previous relationship had went and we ended up splitting up, i seriously dont want to lose the mister this time, that would finish me i think.
But anyways i managed to get dinner cooked and put out but im now hiding up in bed trying to relax again. its scary to think how quickly life can change when you least expect it :( being in the kitchen and cooking was always my thing but now the simplest of meals can totally baffle me :(
my moods are going up and down today as well, mostly between not wanting to talk much and sadness. its ripping me up inside knowing the kids are leaving tomorrow, thats why im up and forcing myself to do things !! oh well till tonight, bahbye xx

---------- Post added at 20:21 ---------- Previous post was at 18:49 ----------

been sitting in bed watching tv and i just feel like im losing the plot. my son is on xbox shouting into his headset and it kept going through my head to tell him to keep the noise down, it went round over and over again but i didnt actually know how to get the words out :( then about 10 mins later he was still shouting and i couldnt remember if i had said to him or i just thought it :(
i hate when things like this happen because i dont know if its the mental health, the fibromyalgia or just because my periods due. it just feels like im not quite with it, like not on this planet :/ it pretty scary when it happens. im getting fed up with all of this i really am. all i keep thinking is i need to get through to tomorrow because then the support worker will be here and i might be able to feel better.
i guess my other fear right now is that the same thing happens this month with my cycle as it did last month. that completly wiped me out ... i just cant be doing this !!
oh well back to tonight and just getting through it !! im really looking forward to the day i can look back on this as ' remember that time' ... i will get better i know i will

---------- Post added at 22:14 ---------- Previous post was at 20:21 ----------

ok this is kicking into full swing now, its literally taking over. i can physically feel the changes in my body and i feel so angry and sad at the same time. i wish i could explain what this feels like. the only thing i can think of is jekyll and hyde. i feel the changes of personality ... its like i feel a rush of hormones then this horrible bitch takes over. i can feel all this anxiety and panic rushing around me but im so angry about nothing at the same time !!
im also back to being scared to even get out of bed, like there is zero energy in my body but my brain cant comprehend that i need to go downstairs for the bathroom. i have an emergancy measue that i have for in the middle of the night when the pains to bad and il never make it, it was my fall back when this illness ramped up a few weeks ago too ... weeeellllll im back to thinking il need that again
being far far too scared to leave my bedroom even to pee is something i dont want to be going through, enoughs enough. when will this ever end !!! my other half gets so disgusted with me when i use the emergancy loo ... i never make him clean it and its always emptied first thing in the morning but he makes me feel disgusting and he doesnt understand why i do it ,,, sometimes i dont even know either, all i know is i mentally cant get past my bedroom door. yep so im depressed, mortified, angry, guilty, embarassed, panicky !! pppffttt like i say enough already !! i cant cope

[CharleneMac]

ssoooo i ended up falling asleep pretty ok last night, i woke up in a panic attack at one point and had to wake the other half up to go to the loo with me. i hadnt a clue what triggered the panic attack but i woke up today to find out that the guy up the road from me had all his windows put in last night ( its a weekly thing now, i dont know why they replace them tbh ) so im thinking it mighta been that because the other half said it happened right before i woke up.
once i fell back asleep i was having vivid dreams but i can only remember a little bit about them and i know they featured the kids dad :( i wasnt to happy about that but i do remember there was nothing sinister to it all thank god.
i woke up today with my usual anxiety but i soon had a full bed with my 2 kids and the kitten so i didnt get much of a choice to let it get to me lol, then my sister phoned to say she was coming round, 2 secs later my mum phoned to say she was at my door and wanted tea. im still angry with her that shes not been there for me but anyways i let it go and she stayed about half an hour. she had only just left and my sister came in to get me to go for a walk with the kids so i thought feck it ... i will !! i had just got everyone ready then my mother in law came in for a coffee lol :)
sssoooo we all took the kids a walk and they were happy jumping in mud, climbing trees and running up and down the wee river :) got home and had just made lunch when my support worker turned up, shes really nice and after we had food she came with us to the park. she was a great distraction and i was too busy talking to her i forgot to panic :)
got back to the house and didnt even set foot in it because my cousin in law was waiting outside to take the kids home. soooo i had to do the 18 mile round trip to get them back. my oldest daughter decided to pointlessly sit on the front door stap and make a big show of ignoring me ... i just ignored it but i have to say there was tears when i was leaving. she can be so cruel sometimes but like the other half says ... shes a kid at a bad age so dont give in to it.
so on the way back we decided to go pick up a friend and my sister to go for some shopping then the biggy ... we went out for dinner !! yes i managed it all :)
there was a few little wobbles but nowhere near as bad as i have been the past few weeks, dare i say i actually felt normal :):)
so i got home about 9, had a play around with the kitten because i havnt had much time to spend with him while the kids where here, then it was a bath and now its bed with some trashy tv :) i am completly and utterly wiped out and my whole body feels like ive been hit by a bus but it was worth it today :)
just hope i get a good sleep tonight but im cuddled up with kitty and all cosied up xx

[CharleneMac]

woke up this morning with very little anxiety. i had the nausea etc that i usually get on the run up to my menses starting so i didnt think anything of it. i even got a call from my sister to ask if i wanted to go out with her and my mum ( that was a shocker !! )i didnt go because i didnt want to be far from the house or away from my other half right now, i dont see any other people as safe people so i just stayed at home.
i was getting all cosy cuddled up with the other half and the kitten when i got a call from the bar reporter asking to come out next week and get the first of our interview started. ive agreed to her coming out next friday but im literally terrified !! ive now got panic through the roof and i cant stop crying :/ i dont know how im supposed to be doing this. my ex has now got my kids into groups and clubs where they live that my kids wanted to go to for years so they are happy in them and now im feeling bad that i might rip them away from that or unsettle them !! ok i can feel a ramble coming on and i weont make much sense so im going to go for a bath right now and hopefully i can talk better later on :(

[CharleneMac]

so ive done a whole load of crying tonight :( i am literally thee worst person to make decisions .. especially ones that are affecting peoples lives :( its horrible.
i ended up falling asleep earlier on and when i woke up i was still so exhausted i had to lie with my eyes shut for a good half an hour :( it was horrible but i kinda understand i will be totally exhausted with all this hurt and grief im trying to cry out.
so yep ... another night of crying and panic but il get through it ... i always do.
my next worry is that the kitten is going to get nuetured tomorrow and im worried sick about him not coming home :( i wish i didnt worry about these stupid wee things :( the good news is my support worker is out tomorrow so i know i can sound off to her and maybe get some of it out of my system ... i dont feel like im in freefall anymore. i just keep thinking i need to get through until the worker comes out and that makes it less scary thank god.
so now im going to try and get in for a bath ( i fell asleep earlier ) then itl be up to bed and cuddle into the kitty xx

[BeckyJones15]

I think one of the best things you can do is just be kind on yourself. Accept that sometimes we just need to go into survival mode and take each second as it comes. That doesn't mean ignoring it, it simply means doing what you need to do at every second to ,ale yourself feel ok for right then.

[Pepperpot]

Hello,

Hows tricks today x

[CharleneMac]

i had this whole thing typed out yesterday and it wouldnt let me put it on, it said my token had expired and deleted the whole lot :/ i couldnt be arsed retyping it all out but basically i had been really good. i have been out and about and getting things done. a really positive day with my support worker and i felt better.
about an hour after i had tried to post i got hit with a wave of exhaustion where i couldnt even open my eyes but i couldnt get into a proper sleep :/
finally last night i came to bed and i fell asleep early. nothing too major ... got up today and was out and about all day, round to my sisters, up to the town, down to my friends stables to brush the horses for a bit, back to see my in laws ... tried to go to the local supermarket and BAM i got hit with a full blown panic attack.
it was horrible :/ i felt like i was going to throw up and my legs where like jelly. i knew i had to go into the shop because i needed disinfectant to clean the litter tray but i felt like i was about to drop any second. like i couldnt hold my own body weight.
i kept wanting to run but i kept saying to the other half if i run then the panics won.
i forced myself to stay in the shop and i managed to get through it but it wasnt pleasant.
ive literally came home and im surprise surprise in bed. im now exhausted again so hopefully it will be an earlier night than usual.

i really wish i had been able to do that update yesterday because it was so much more cheerier and positive. now its another doom and gloom moan that im putting on :/ im not happy with that because i have been coping really well during the day.
oh and ( men look away) my period started yesterday, a full 1 day early so that was a relief that i didnt have to go through the same crap as last month.
basically its now been a full 4 weeks since i started this, im still too scared to read it all to see how ive been doing but im sure i will at one point.

oh and the 1 big positive is that now this court case is going on my ex is pretty compliant :) hes allowed me to have the kids for halloween for the first time since he took them :) this isnt in my access time so im over the moon that i get to do at least 1 holiday with them :) xx

---------- Post added 02-10-15 at 00:48 ---------- Previous post was 01-10-15 at 21:32 ----------

i need to write this just now while its still in my memory because if i dont i might forget htis tomorrow.
im going through the weirdest thing right now. i keep closing my eyes to go to sleep and i dont know if i do fall asleep or not but omg i keep getting these images like distorted faces laughing at me right up close and shapes bulging and changing.
im am pretty much terrfied right now of whats going on. ive got sheets of sweat coming off me and i feel like im burning up but my skin is ok to touch. my throat and head is kinda sore too but nothing id take painkillers for.
but this sleep thing. i dont know if i have fallen asleep a few time but just THINK im still awake or if im still awake but ive started dreaming before im properly asleep.
its really scary because it takes me a while to be able to break out of it :( i dont think its hallucinations thought because it doesnt happen when ive fully sat up and opened my eyes ;/
im proper freaked out now, im fighting the urge to phone nhs24 and ask them their advice. ive also got it into my head about it being exactly 4 weeks from the last big freak out and being taken to hospital. i was also on my period then :/ im just trying to calm myselg by sayng its just hormones ... but omg its scary when you feel like you are losing your marbles.
doesnt help that i was woken up by some guy randomly walking the streets screaming obcenities swinging a baseball bat for about 20 mins !! i think i was getting into a proper relaxed sleep when he did that !! if i find him i know what id do with that bat im telling you !!
oh and while im on my list of moans my ears are totally killing me too :/ yet another ear infection ... meh :(

[CharleneMac]

finally got to sleep but it was horrible :( nightmares and waking up hot and shaky :( this is pretty much how it was a few weeks ago and i didnt think id get through that so im trying to keep that in mind.
i just kept saying to myself that if i went into a full panic that no one would help me ( lets face it no one will because the nhs just doesnt care now )

ive woke up straight into anxiety again which isnt good. i guess i should probably go and speak to my gp but i really dont see the point because his only solution is for anti depressants and all they have ever done is make me worse :/ i know myself once i get all this court stuff done i will start feeling better and then if i sort out all this mess that goes on around my cycle then maybe ... just maybe i might start getting some relief.
only problem is the first line of meds for these problems is always antidepressants and i dont know how to get around all of that :(
oh and the voices where back last night too ... telling me i was going insane etc and there was no point to me !! yep cheers for that

[Lan69]

I think your so brave going through this without medication. My reaction was give me a pill quick !
I lasted about a week before I went to the doctors and I was begging him for something to take this all away. Iv been on and off AD's for years and they have nearly always worked instantly but not this time. I can't tolerate ssri's hence the mirtazapine. I wonder sometimes how I would be without the meds, would I get better quicker without them and are they making me worse. I'm too scared to take the plunge incase I end up in that horrible place again
Your doing really well to get yourself out and about when you feel up to it keep going and stay strong

[CharleneMac]

hey lan, i hope your doing well luv. hadnt heard from u in a wee while.
im not really brave because the ssri's just mess me up, its more a fear of taking anything else and ending up in a state again. im very very tempted to try mirtazipine to see if they would help me because i really feel like i might be needing something but like i say im too scared xx

[Pepperpot]

Hey,

You're not having a good time are you. Bless :(

The images would freak me out. All I can suggest is to do them relaxation podcasts/youtube vids in bed - stick ya headphones on. As for meds, I wouldn't take them either as the side effects were bad for me. However, I really think you would benefit from them - there's some threads on here about gradually increasing your dose gradually. I think they would help you loads cos you have loads going on what with the kids and that.
xx

[Lan69]

hey lan, i hope your doing well luv. hadnt heard from u in a wee while.
im not really brave because the ssri's just mess me up, its more a fear of taking anything else and ending up in a state again. im very very tempted to try mirtazipine to see if they would help me because i really feel like i might be needing something but like i say im too scared xx

I recommend mirtazapine, citalopram and sertraline sent me over the edge and I was put in hospital twice through them. Mirtazapine helped me from the off, I was able to sleep and eat again and I had no side effects. I was terrified of taking it the first night but I'm like that with all my meds lol still think I'm going to pass out every morning.
I'm on a proper concoction at the mo my poor brain won't know what's happening to it starting one drug and tapering off another !
Still off the cigs ? I wish I could stop on a morning I'm like a chimney one after another and that makes me worry so I smoke more.....madness I know

[CharleneMac]

hey pep, weve got a new doctor at the surgery so im going to try and get an appointment with her next week. my only problem is that i wont take anything they give me ... im a total nightmare for it !! i do have a low dose diazipam that i might try and take to see if it calms me down for all these big things i need to deal with right now :(

Hey Lan, yeh thats me a month off the ciggies :( again it wasnt anything major that i gave them up, i just literally could not smoke without my heart racing, feeling like i was going to pass out and vomit in 1 go :( it really scared me so thats how i managed it lol

these past few days have been a total nightmare for me. the night i was having the lucid dreams, yeh well there was a guy walking about the street for about an hour swinging a baseball bat screaming at the top of his voice :( the other half knows him and knew he was harmless, well to us anyways but it still freaked me out. then last night the van that parks outside my gate was robbed !! they left the doors all open so i phoned the police as i didnt want the local eejits hanging around it and making a racket outside my door. the police then came out and kept trying to make me say i seen people that i hadnt plus my neighbours all seen me talking to them ( in this town you dont 'grass' ) so i was going into panic attacks over that and terrified i was going to get my windows put in ( theres 6 people with houses boarded up around me right now )
As it turns out it was the guys mates who done it to him for a laugh and all was well but i was in a hell of a state over it all :( this place is getting proper scary .... im totally terrified of whats going to happen next but the other half was born and bred here so he knows everyone and knows whos worth worrying about and so far there hasnt been anyone. but its like ive got to put up with it like its a normal thing to be going on :(
ive also got a sinus and ear infection and thats given me a migraine and really sore teeth so im totally out of sorts right now :( i had to come to bed early because i feel so sicky and woozy :( im just proper miserable with it all.
ive also got this bar reporter coming out on friday so i can feel my anxiety going up and up and up .... i just dont want to be ending up ill again :( why the hell did i listen to her and keep going with the case ... i should have sisted it until i was stronger :/
i just dont know what to be doing anymore !! if anyone things they can help me sort this out then id welcome a PM because im literally at a loss as to what to do anymore xx

---------- Post added at 23:23 ---------- Previous post was at 20:45 ----------

tonight ive discoevered they hav nmp chat up and running again !!! im over the moon about this !! u cant use the link above tho theres a new link to it xx

---------- Post added at 23:42 ---------- Previous post was at 23:23 ----------

changing my name back to my original one now im back in the chatrooms ... just incase it confused anyone lol xx

[Lan69]

My smoking is way out of control especially on a morning, I do have an electric one which I call my pipe which I try to use during the day but on a morning I need the real thing. I know nicotine increases anxiety too but even that doesn't deter me.
I know your not keen on meds but have you heard about or considered pregablin?
I was terrified every night taking my meds, I would even keep checking my blood pressure and heart rate during the night. I bought a home bp monitor and had it constantly attached to my arm ! It's now living in the cupboard haven't used it for weeks.
I was on diazapam but wouldn't touch it again, I still have some and even on my bad days I never get the urge to take one but I still keep them maybe I see them as a safety blanket...I think I may return them to the chemist.
Right time for another cig lol

[CharleneMac]

lol Lan im getting proper bad cravings today but i know i wont smoke ... even kissing the other half makes me boke now lol xx

[CharleneMac]

so the past few days have been pretty low anx :) ive only been out and about the town and to my sisters so nothing major to push the panic attacks but im happy about that.
im starting to get the house all gutted out too because the kids are here on thursday for 6 ... yes 6 days :) i need to be on top form with the housework so having it totally gutted makes life so much easier when they are all here lol.
i also spoke to someone else in the same position as me and she felt the exact same way as me about getting the kids. she was terrified about coping again but said it all went away a few weeks afterthe kids came back because she got into a routine again and it felt like they had never been away :) this has settled me down no end, i dont think she realises what she did by telling me her story ... it made me feel like i wasnt alone and i could do this panic attacks or not !!
i also have to say having the chatroom back has given me something to do and take my mind off of everything !! xx

[Pepperpot]

hey - your PM confused me no end cos of the name change lol. Sorry I try to get on here most days but sometimes reading people's problems makes me worse lol. Not yours - I mean the health anxiety board lol.
I will have to have a look in the chat room - well I did do but there was no one in x

[CharleneMac]

MEH :( ive woke up with my anxiety up and a fibro flare :( my legs are killing me today !!! i had such a good night last night with the girls in the chat room and i actually was laughing ... yep !! me !! laughing !! lol.
i hate that im on such a downer today :/ the other half has got an interview with the jobcentre and we all know how those can go :( hes stressed out too and its not like him.
il be back later to update how we got on .... keep everything crossed for me xx

[CharleneMac]

ok so im not good. ive got the court reporter coming tomorrow and ive ended up in a hell of a state. everyone is sleeping and i can barely type im so bad !! dont know what to do anymore !! i cant sleep and im scared. i literally have to hand eye coordination !! why cant i just understand that this isnt as scary as it seems :(
the first ever panic attack i took i hadnt slept the night before so not sleeping triggers attacks in me. i keep setting the laptop down to try and sleep but my mind takes over and i just grab it again so i can distract myself !! i cant win ... im actually terrfied of all of this and theres no point waking the other half up !! he will be next to useless :(
if this keeps up i think i will be on here typing all night. i wont take buspirone to help me sleep as ive taken ibroprufen and i dont like mixing meds. ive taken 1 cocodamol in the hope it will make me drowsy :(
my flippin phone is dead to and the charger is downstairs. id need to wake the other half to come down with me and im thinking if i wake him up then the panic will take over !!! god i must sound like a right loon ball with all this ranting !!

[CharleneMac]

ive woke up and im a complete and utter riot !! i dont even think the anxiety is there ... ive skipped straight to 100% panic and terror :/ literally cannot wait for this day to be over

[Pepperpot]

Hey
What is panicking you, the court reporter.? What do they do? X

[CharleneMac]

they are the ones who decides where the kids are better off living.
after panicking all night and day as soon as she walked in i was totally fine !! i had it all hyped up for nothing ,,, typical lol !!
got a few more interviews to go before i will know what way she is going to sway.
once she left i got hit with complete exhaustion, ive been worked up over that for months and now its done i can finally calm back down :) ended up sleeping the sleep of the dead last night and just couldnt get up this morning .. now im up ive got a belter of a migraine, kinna like a hangover !! go figure eh lol :)
i was having nightmares about my ex last night too that he was right behind me no matter what i did and i could never truly get rid of him ... seems even my dreams know how much of an unshakable arse he is lol xx

[CharleneMac]

so ive not posted this week. i had a very busy, stressfull and exhausting week with the kids but omg it was amazing. thing was when it came to taking the kids back it was really hard :( my daughter didnt want to go and i think the look on her face when i dropped her off will haunt me for the rest of my life. it totally ripped my heart out, no child should have to be going through this. as a mother it completely kills me so god only knows whats going through their little heads with this whole situation.
last night i decided i was going to have a bottle of wine to drown my sorrows but it totally backfired. i had 2 glasses and i just had an awful temper on me. what happened with my daughter has just stuck in my head and i couldnt get over it. eventually i just came to bed earlier than everyone else. i could feel myself beginning to panic and my mood plummeted.
today i had woke up in an ok mood but it soon went downhill with the fact i had to go to the doctors. ive had found a lump and had to go get a breast check. the doc was reasuring and all was ok but that was it for me, ive never got out of this anxiety state :( i just want to cry, i feel so depressed, i have zero energy. all ive done today is lie on the sofa and watch crappy tv.
how the hell do i explain it to the kids if this court case doesnt go the way we all want it to go ?? those children will be totally devastated and it will rip all of our hearts out, il be petrified to face them again about it all.
these things keep going through my head and i cant switch them all off :( ive got court 4 weeks today and now ive got a date its really freaking me out.
my biggest fear is that i end up as ill as i was 6 weeks ago, you can only pull yourself out of this so many times !! i really wish my CBT appointment would hurry up. still no word on the councilling yet either !!
anyways i really hope this is just a 1 off and tomorrow is a new day
oohh and im still off the ciggies !! thats 6 weeks tomoz too xx

[CharleneMac]

so i started my day off riddled with anxiety :( the other half was going to go to glasgow while the support worker was in and i totally freaked out ... i hate being a slave to these emotions now. i need to be free of them.
anyways i went a walk round my town and that was about how my day went. i mamaged to come out of the anxiety when the support worker was here but what came afterwards well ... im now in bed unable to move :(
i am in the midst of a fibro flare. i cant walk on my right knee, my chest pains are really bad. my back, shoulders and neck are giving off sickening pains :( its just total agony !!
im lying in bed alternating the hot water bottle between areas and with the tens on my knee :(
looks like this shall be a bed ridden weekend for me again xx

[Pepperpot]

Urgh, sounds like you're having a right time of it :(
I can totally relate to the chest pains (and the boob pains lol) 0 I get that a lot x

[CharleneMac]

so last night i had to get up for the toilet and i fell down the bloody stairs !!
i ended up sleeping till 2 today and then not being able to do anything :( i sat downstairs for a bit then came back up to bed but since about 9 my anxiety has went through the roof. i keep getting adreniline rushes and now i fell totally spaced out :( my depersonalization is really bad and i just dont like how im feeling right now !!
far too much stress and i dont know how much more i can take

[hzxcfqa]

good topic. thanks.

[Leah1971]

Hi Charlene, geez you don't seem to be able to catch a break. I hope that you start feeling better soon.

[hzxcfqa]

good topic. thanks.

yeah

[CharleneMac]

it gets worse. so much worse !! i got some news last night that has literally sent me back to square 1 !! i feel like my whole body is shutting down ... like it actually cannot take anymore !! i feel physically sick, shaky, numb, spaced out .... i wanna run away but then im rooted to my bed :( its horrific ... i hate feeling like this ... this is the one that there feelsl ike theres no end to, like il always been stuck in this cycle :( i just cannot process anything anymore. technically the new isnt that bad, well it is but is isnt int the grand scheme of things ( i know im not making much sense but for the sake of the pther person i cant say too much about it )
i just feel like someone has drained the life out of me. everyone keeps telling me im just in shock, so what did i do ?? i googled shock !!! hhhhuuuuggeeeee mistake !!
it sent me into overdrive !!
then i phoned my mental health worker but shes not around, in a panic i phoned the samaritans and they were no use !! telling me i shouldnt be worrying etc !!
eeehhhhhh i already know that !! i just dont know how to NOT worry, thats why i phoned u !!
i dont want to be feeling like this again, i just dont know how many times i can be doing this :( just over 6 weeks ago i totally fell apart ... i had slowly picked myself up, i was even out yesterday !! and now THIS
please dont tell me im going back there again :( i cant do this black cloud much longer

[CharleneMac]

so ive not posted in a while, mostly because chat is opened so i can speak to ppl in there.
i found out that my daughter was pregnant and i think that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. i went into a depression that ive never felt before. its the most horrible place and i really dont know what its going to take to get me back out of it.
i get days that are good but theres always something that puts me back down, tescos taking 2 payments out my bank, then my bank messing up, finding out i was to go for an atos medical early, going for the actual medical, realising if they put me off it will be right before xmas and then social work wanting to come and see me about the investigation they had going on. its like bam bam bam with so much big things i never catch a break .... life is seriously testing me right now and i dont know what the hell i need to do this time to get back out of it :(
i have started cbt this week so im hoping that will help and i was given a weeks anx management with the crisis intervention team so ive got ot put all these things into practice but being honest all i wanna do is lie in bed and sleep till this all gets better !!
im finding the mood swings are proper severe now and anger seems to be a big issue ... who knows why but im snapping quite alot and thats really not who i am, that in itself is making my mood lower.
i have been trying to get out places but i dont enjoy any of it. its like i do what i have to do just to get through it all till i can run back home to my bed ... thats no exsistance at all and everything just feels pointless.
with the court cases ive managed to get that sisted which is basically like a pause button until i can feel better again but ive got the kids telling me they dont want that to happen, solicitors are pissed with me because they say its not fair on the kids but i dont think they realise if the kids were to come back right now that i wouldnt be able to look after them so it would be worse off for them !!
so guilt is a huge feature with whats going on too .... i just feel like im not getting out of this one and its scary !!
anyways i think il start posting on here again just to see how things go

[CharleneMac]

getting so hacked off at not being able to cope with the simplest of things !! and really why cant people just open their mouths and say things instead of leaving it all to the last minute and then dropping a bombshell that they are letting u down !!! i had woke up with baseline anxiety that im used to and then this .... so yeh all the nausea, dizzyness etc has all kicked off again :( im fed up trying to tell people how fragile i am with everything and how i cant cope with even the littlest of upsets but not 1 god damn person listens :(:(
ive came off facebook for this very reason and it seems like people even take offence to that, like its some kinda personal vendetta against them !! like em NO this is all about me and how i get better ... aarrgghhhh !!
im fed up comstantly having to explain myself, im fed up constantly trying to explain my illness and im really fed up of other people taking offence so my own self preservation !!!
gggrrrrrrr bit of a rant there but i had to get that out before i ended up flipping out on people

[CharleneMac]

so the past few days have been a little more settled. i had the kids over night on saturdday and i ended up taking a massive panic attack. again it was like on of those ones where i wanted to phone an ambulance and i was terrified.
i had already called nhs24 earlier in the night because i was very low in mood but i was having pains in my lower tummy ( stabbing pains that freaked the life out of me, i couldnt stand up straight or walk far ) so anyways i knew they were going to call back so i tried to keep it together !! eventually when it got too much i phoned breathing space and they spoke to me till nhs24 phoned me back and they reckoned id a kidney infection and thats what caused my moods to drop and then the panic attack.
i feel pretty happy that i didnt phoned the ambulance, thats a massive thing to be able to control myself from that. although i phoned nhs24 before all of this kicked off im thinking maybe knowing they were calling back helped me through the process so i now need to work out a way of dealing with the panics without seeking any sort of medical help. i women i spoke to from breathing space was amazing and i cant thank her enough for what she did for me though :) i reckon it was mostly her who helped me calm down :)
since saturday night ive had the usual baseline anxiety since. its been really hard to function or concentrate and i dont like that but at least im managing to keep it under control a little more. i know it sounds horrible but at least when the kids arnt here i get to focus solely on me and me getting better for them. im just grateful for the fact that the panic attack hit at 3 in the morning the other night and the kids got to sleep through it :) its my worst nightmare them ever seeing me in that state :(
ive not really been doing much and im not pushing my boundaries very far at the moment either. mostly just walks up around my local town because i know i can run back home ( well hobble ) if i need to. today im ment to be going to pick up the rest of the kids xmas pressies ( the only ones ive got from a shop, the rest has been online )
i dont know how im going to cope doing this even though i know that it means all the toy shopping will be finished and no matter how ill i get from now on in the kids are sorted.
im just fed up with all of this now. its been 6 months of knock downs, fights and arguements with god knows how many people and i just want time to recover so i can gain my fight back and show them all that im not what they are making me out to be !! i know i can do this.
well im on the subject ive worked out why im so bad this time with it all. with my first relationship whenever i got low and depressed id just go out and sleep with someone ( i was hoping he would find out and leave but nope, he always stayed ... dont judge me on this, theres a long story behind it )
with my second relationship we moved house 15 times in 3 years so we were never settled in one place for long enough, then there was focussing on the move, trying to get away from my ex, making sure he couldnt steal the kids so i just shoved all my emotions further and further down till i couldnt feel them anymore.
now im settled. i dont want to move house ever and i would never ever EVER cheat on my other half so all the ways ive coped in the past have been taken away from me and now its literally just raw painfull emotion thats hitting me thick and fast. ive realised i havnt ever dealt with things properly and being honest i really dont know how to either. thats why im so glad ive started cbt and ive gotten all this help in place to help me cope with it all.
well i think thats enough insight for me today lol ... that went a hell of alot deeper than i ment it too lol

---------- Post added at 13:12 ---------- Previous post was at 12:54 ----------

oh and theres one more thing i want to add, this is probably more for my benefit so i can read it back on days when i cant see anything positive.
my other half has been amazing, like i literally cannot believe how much hes taken on and dealing with so i dont have to. i worry myself sick about him doing it but he tells me hes coping and not to worry. i make sure i arrange nights for him where he can sit and have a drink with his cousin and il hide in my room ( im here almost constantly anyways )
it means he gets a little release from it all.
but omg i cant believe the difference he is making to my life and how im coping with this. he might be taking on alot of the responsibilities but hes certainly not letting me away with wallowing in self pity. he makes me get up and walk around the town even if i dont want to, he makes me get out of bed if its only to do the same thing lying on the sofa.
he makes sure i eat and drink plety of water. he reminds me to breathe when im holding my breath and even i dont know im doing it. he comes up with the fun things for the kids to do because he knows i cant see anything through the dark clouds at times. when i get hysterical and run away with my thoughts and panic over things i dont need to he tells me to shut up and take it back to the here and now and forget about what may or may not happen in the future. when im lying in bed he makes sure im taking the right meds and using everything i can to get better. he comes up and rubs my back or strokes my hair to calm me down so i can sleep, he makes sure ive got books n things to keep me occupied, he cleans the house, he cooks ..... the list is literally endless.
but the biggest thing all of this has taught me is he notices because i dont tell him im going through all this stuff. he picks up on it all and makes sure its dealt with before it gets much worse !!
for the first time in my life i never think about the grass being greener, i never think he doesnt love me because i know that he does ( i dont see why anyone would love me ) i never have the fear that he will leave me because hes never ever done anything that would suggest he would.
hes just the most amazing man on the planet. dont get me wrong there are days when i could happily string him up but when u have a man who takes it when your shouting because u cant control your emotions and who knows that your not doing it out of badness, its just the illness ..... well that right there is who u wanna be with for the rest of your life !!
its just a bonus that hes the most gorjuss man alive too lol :)
anyways i had to get this down in black n white because there is days when i cant see the good in anything and this will remind me, that and the fact it means i can show him on those days that i do love him, its just ive in invisible block meaning i cant show it
so if u ever do get to read this ..... then i love you, thank you for making my life so much better by just being u xxxxx

[Jamesk]

oh and theres one more thing i want to add, this is probably more for my benefit so i can read it back on days when i cant see anything positive.
my other half has been amazing...........so if u ever do get to read this ..... then i love you, thank you for making my life so much better by just being u xxxxx

Lovely post CM - you shoudl tell him this! :whistles:

[CharleneMac]

i have tried to james but nothing seems to come out right for me nowadays. its like ive an aggresive tone to my voice and i seem angry with the world. im finding it hard to even get cuddled up and things like that :( it seems to be a carer/patient relationship and im desperate to get it all fixed so that can stop. whenever i think about all these things and how my illness seems to be made for 2, well it makes me worse and then i spiral even deeper into the black cloud that seems to be favouring me at the moment :(
he even tried to take me away for a few days to get a break from everything and recharge my batteries. that was on tuesday, its now thursday and weve just came back home because last night i just broke down and said i wanted to come back home.
it was a lie because i didnt want to come back home, i just didnt want to be there either. but whenever i thought about where i wanted to be i couldnt answer that either because there was literally nowhere !! can anyone else work that one out because i cant either.
it feels like everything in my life is the perpetual state of limbo that i cant get out of. i can see all these things happening but its like im behind a sheet of glass and i want to be with everyone else having fun and enjoying myself but i cant get to them. they know im there and i know im there but not fully, not in a way that would be having a life.
the more i think about it all the more i get lost. i want to cure my mental illness but i dont know how, all thats available is meds and therapy. now im doing the therapy but how the hell can i put it to use when i havnt been taught any actually coping strategies. then theres the age old argument for meds. i know whatever ive got going on is inside me rather than a chemical imbalance so do i take the meds and cover over these problems for another few years or do i finally face up to it all no matter how low i get ??
ideally i want to do the second option because ive lived 35 years of bottling all this stuff up and i need to deal with it at some point right ?? but then i think if i dont start getting better then my other half might feel like its too much and bail on me ( hes never showed any signs of actually doing this but still in my blackness its always the worst option )
the only saving grace ive got in it all is now social work are involved with the kids i know their dad will be on his best behaviour so they are safe and protected and dont need to see me going through all of this .... nothing wrecks a childhood quicker than a messed up mother who rocks herself to sleep crying like a baby :(
so as i type im back home, theres nothing i want to be here for, theres nothing that i really wanna do. im just sitting here with the anxiety coming in waves and not really caring what it does to me because im so exhausted with it all.
only saving grace is there is a storm due to hit us soon and i dont half love a good storm :) its the only thing i cant control that i actually like :)
well till laters .....

[CharleneMac]

ok so ive spent most of the day in a bath. why? well being honest i dont know but everytime i came out my anxiety went back up and i didnt see the point of suffering it so i just hopped back into the water again. i realised ive alot of mind chatter and songs stuck in my head today. i dont like this, it drives me insane and i end up having little silent arguements with it all ... no wonder i feel like im slowly going insane.
another thing i feel today is a lot of rage and i mean alot. i want to lie on the floor and throw a toddler style tantrum, like proper screaming and kicking my legs. inside my head ive been doing alot of screaming today. im getting angry with being ill, im getting angry that theres no progress and that i dont know how to get out of it. im getting angry that if anything i seem to be getting worse and worse. im barely eating and im hiding away on my own now, even staying back from my other half :( i just dont want to know that life is happening :( ive also discovered that i have zero energy ... simple things like hanging the washing over the clothes horse or brushing my hair is a challenge. ive got literally no energy in my arms and im exhausted all the time,
this has led to me realising something, no enjoyment in anything, wanting to hide away, crying all the time, dont know what i want in life etc etc ..... im depressed !! depression has hit me like a tonne of bricks and i feel like im stuck.
i know ive a sinus infection and possible urine infection flooring me too and the combination isnt helping but yep ... im about as low as i can get .... this is rock bottom for me !!
so i guess the new chapter in my recovery will be a start up on excitalopram. my other half has begged me to take them and right now im desperate of any kind of reprieve from it all !! ive got 7 days of luxury, being able to roll about in bed and do feck all before the kids get here next weekend so nows the time to grab the bull by the horns and get it done !! i keep thinking well whats the point of waking up into this ?? this isnt living ... this isnt even exsisting !! its like im waiting to not be here anymore .... this isnt what i want out of live and its certainly not what i want my other half and the kids to be seeing !!!
so im off for now, tbh my head is buzzing, everything hurts and i just want to sleep.
tommorow is going to be the day ..... the day il start to get better !!!! friday the 13th is going to be lucky for me .... watch this space

---------- Post added at 23:01 ---------- Previous post was at 19:08 ----------

ive talked myself out of taking the meds again, dont want to do the insomnia that comes with ssri's ... i hate that fake feeling of awakeness when my body knows that its bedtime :(
another thing is i think im ovulating, this in itself will make my mood plummet :( so do i need antidepressants or do i need something to regulate my cycle and hormones to stop this happening ??? much confused !!
oh and my sinuses are so blocked i cant sneeze through my nose anymore, its very weird and the urine infection made me wee myself !!! i seriously need an immune system booster asap !!!

[Jamesk]

i have tried to james but nothing seems to come out right for me nowadays.........

Maybe try writing it all down then you can reflect and revise if neccessary until it comes out right and expresses the lovely sentiments you haev above which anyone would be delighted to hear.... You could also set out your concerns and fears which might help him. He sounds a great guy so I can imagine understanding better what you are going through could only help? I would nbe hppy to read antyhing through first if you wanted an "editor" to make sure it was coming out right.

he even tried to take me away for a few days to get a break from everything and recharge my batteries. that was on tuesday, its now thursday and weve just came back home because last night i just broke down and said i wanted to come back home. it was a lie because i didnt want to come back home, i just didnt want to be there either. but whenever i thought about where i wanted to be i couldnt answer that either because there was literally nowhere !! can anyone else work that one out because i cant either.

So so sorry to hear this. :weep:

so as i type im back home, theres nothing i want to be here for, theres nothing that i really wanna do. im just sitting here with the anxiety coming in waves and not really caring what it does to me because im so exhausted with it all.

And this :weep:

only saving grace is there is a storm due to hit us soon and i dont half love a good storm :) its the only thing i cant control that i actually like :)
well till laters .....

Me as well can't beat a good storm! :yesyes:


.

.

[CharleneMac]

had my second appointment at cbt today, i think it went well but omg it isnt half emotional. it all feels really raw but i get i need to get down deep or else it wont work. weve went over alot and it turns out that i have very low self esteem, i have very little belief in myself and thats why i let the negative win out because it renforces what i believe ab out myself. secondly that im always on survivor mode.
this is something i never really believed about myself. yeh when she sat there and described me being homeless, fleeing domestiv violence, making sure the kids were clothes and fed and then more recently with trying to get the kids back, well its always been about surviving. she said id become one of lifes warriors and that i was always trying to win the next battle, stopping them from happening.
this has totally came as a shock to me, i just seen it as life and i was doing what everyone else has to when bad things happen, but then again i dont seem to realise that very few people go through what ive been dealing with.
when it was all broken down really there is nothing to feel guilty about, i should be proud of the way ive conducted my life, changed when i had to and never let anything go.
im just fed up fighting this all the time, fighting everyone, fighting just for the right to live, live peacefully.
im angry all the time, mostly angry at this illness and how much it is taking from me ... the physicallities of it all ( cluster headaches, pain all over etc )
i just want it gone.
to me i see this as the last fight il ever have, the one i truly need to win and then everything else will fall into place.
this is the one i need to win to make live better for my fiance, so that he can be free of this illness too and then the kids will have their mum back and we can be a proper family as well.
well right now im off because my head and eyes are far too sore and this laptop really doesnt help anything. i tried to get an appointment with my gp today about it but they had nothing so im going to phone nhs24 and get some advice at the very least !!
will catch up again with everyone soon

[Fishmanpa]

What a great post Charlene! Really! This shows just how beneficial therapy can be. To be given perspective is as valuable as any precious jewel. It's quite apparent in your words just how much weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Now that you're equipped with this realization, keep one working at it. You got this!

Positive thoughts

[Pepperpot]

Hey, sorry to hear you've been feeling shit again. CBT is good - well I broke down the first couple of sessions, and I have sort of given up at it now (got mucked about once and took a huff lol) but it is helpful. You have been through a lot by the looks of things, and this is nothing compared to that. You will get through it xx

[CharleneMac]

i feel like im ready for the cbt now, like ive had enough and i know that there is little that can be done if i dont put the work in so fingers crossed it all works this time. i spoke to my mental health team and asked them about help getting to local groups or even swimming just to build my strength and confidence back up again :)
ive just been to the docs and aparantly all my symptoms are from chronic sinusitis ... that was a huge relief. ive been put on omeprezol too so thats going to stop the stomach pains and the throatfull of acid that seems to have taken up residence.
he also asked me if i had lost weight, now i had a suspision i had been losing a bit but its been enough for him to notice :) i liked that.
i wish i could say id been eating healthy and excercising but ive been lying in bed surviving off take aways and mars bars :( i know its all down to anxiety, its a great alternative to a gastric bypass because it makes sure u cant get the food down your throat. it means even though ive been eating my usual diet im eating nowhere near the amount i was and even that is making a difference !! now that its obvious that im losing weight i can make a concious ( so not how u spell that ) decision to eat a little better and do it in a more healthy way !!
got my supoort worker in today as well but i could really see that far enough and have a laze in bed while these antibiotics do their thing and i can get better !!

[CharleneMac]

i think i might be coming out the other side of all of this a little ... i wouldnt say anything dramatic but i feel slightly better. the only thing is im not left with a whole load of tremors, twitches and spasms which are driving me insane and leading me to think ive got some scary illness :(
another big thing is the fibro is biting me in the ass again and im in alot of pain, i feel like i can never win with anything. the antibiotics are doing very little in the way of helping infact since ive started taking them ive lost my voice, developed agonising pains in my neck and my throat is on fire :( everything seems swollen too and being honest thats when all of these spasms and twitches started too.
im finding that at the same time every night my temp is going up too accompanied with my good friend anxiety but if i lie there for about an hour and take it then it just goes completley.
the only saving grace in it all is that everything doesnt look as black now, i can see little part of lights coming through so i know if i keep fighting i will get to them

---------- Post added at 23:28 ---------- Previous post was at 22:35 ----------

ive just googled amoxicillin and its almost as if some of these people where reading my mind ... symptoms worse at night, heightened anxiety and panic, tiredness, almost spaced out and not quite with it, inability to concentrate .... to name a few !! i am very much relieved to know that im not going down that dark road again and it can be the most innocent of antibiotics making all of this worse. it doesnt help that im due on on tuesday ( as most of you will already know its the one thing that floors me more than anything in the world)
my other problem being that ive realised that the kids are one of my triggers. i have no idea why or when it started but when they are with me i find that im crying myself to sleep and i cant quite cope with the overwhelming feeling of sadness. i was sitting in my bed and the kids are in bed and all of a sudden i started sobbing my heart out, i have no idea why but thinking back on the past month or 2 ive been the same every single time. infact the last time the kids where here i took a massive hysterical panic attack in the middle of the night.
now how the hell do i get around this one ? i think maybe its the fear of them being taken even further away from me than they already have ,,, even typing that i know ive touched a nerve so that might be something i need to explore next week when they arnt here and i can fully fall apart if i want to !!
so yeh anyways thats what ive discovered tonight .... oh and its now snowing !!

[CharleneMac]

Well that's it all starting to come out now from other people. I need to stop being like this and get better like yesterday !! It hurts like hell when its someone u love who now thinks this should have been a quick fix and has lost patiance but hey ho, thats the way it goes. Everyone is too good to be true and show their true colours eventually

[CharleneMac]

so i went to the docs a few weeks ago about my sinuses and he said oh it will go on its own and left me to it.
i went back last week and told him the sinuses arnt clearing up and its now affecting my throat and glands. he told me it must be bacterial and gave me antibiotics.
phoned him yesterday and said antibiotics didnt work and now its my sinuses, swollen glands, sore throat, lost me voice and the new symptom of severe nausea and dizzyness with a feeling like someone is shaking my head. hes now said its viral and there is nothing he can do !!
its just getting worse and worse and im totally floored with it all. the only good thing is i googled and got decent results this time. ive found out that inner ear and anxiety is the same part of the brain and that panic attacks are the no one symptoms of inner ear problems so thats calmed me down a little knowing that im not going into a mental breakdown again.
the thing is im bedbound with this due to the dizzyness and cant do very much. its like im drug and staggering all over the place :( the good thing is it will explain the spasms too because i get them when im fighting infections.
im guessing its just a waiting game now and trying to get as much fluids into me as possible

[CharleneMac]

Ended up going to out of hours last night. The hopeless gp of mine has struck again. Aparantly it was totally the wrong dosage for the infection so it wouldnt have cleared with what hes given me :( im back on a longer dose of antibiotics this time so fingers crossed they work

[CharleneMac]

been feeling better the past couple of days ... been doing little bits of housework and been able to sit in the living room for a few hours :) i see this as progress lol ... i even got the xmas stuff up today !! heres hoping this is the turning point for me because im really getting fed up now. the face pains are still here and the dizzyness but its not as severe thank god ... im only needing painkillers at night :)

[CharleneMac]

my ecig charger has broken, this on top of some raw emotions thats have been surfacing lately has tipped me over the edge. i feel very very angry and panicky :( this isnt good at all.
thank god ive got cbt tomorrow and i can talk some of these issues over

[CharleneMac]

cbt was really good, i managed to get a lot of things worked out and i feel better for it but ive got this unshakable anxiety and its driving me insane.
it feels like no matter what i do im not catching a break from it all and im getting lower and lower. i know with mental health it isnt an over night success but im also aware that its xmas in 3 weeks and im not in a great place to be coping with it all.
as i turns out everyone who was invited for dinner ( and never turns up ) has accepted this year and the numbers are up to 13 ... this is flooring me ever so slightly at the thought of it all :(
i also finished the course of antibiotics on monday and all the symptoms are coming back. i went to the docs and again they told me they think its viral but if it was clearing up with antibiotics and then comes back when i stop them then surely that proves it bacterial :(
the thing was towards the end of the meds i was getting my energy back, the dizzyness and twitching had gone, no eye or head pains.
i just dont know what to do anymore because ive no faith in my gps anymore. im fed up totally with it all.
im also asking myself again if i should start the antidepressants in the hope of saving xmas this year for the kids, i remember xmas 2011 and i was hiding under the kitchen units sobbing my heart out in a huge panic attack .... i dont want this to be happening again :(
so do it take the meds knowing that il need to come off them and deal with all if this all over again at some point or do i tell everyone that xmas is off this year and focus only on the other half and the kids ??
aaarrrgghhhh this is so confusing

[MrAndy]

I can't advise on everything but if your not happy with your GP find another it took me a few years to get a good one but it was worth it.If you need meds there is no shame in that,you've got time to start them and get stable for Christmas,I did this one year with sertraline and came off it slowly in the spring when I was feeling better

[CharleneMac]

hey mr andy, thats exactly what ive done today. i changed my gp and ive got an appointment for monday :) but its nice to hear that u got better on the meds .... its gives me hope xx

[CharleneMac]

so the new gp went well. hes gave me a few different options for the sinus infection so im over the moon with that. but of course my anxiety has kicked off because its someone new and i dont know what they are like :(
i even managed to get out to the pub on sunday night for a few hours. i had high anxiety when i first went but after an hour or 2 i managed to calm back down. i had 2 lager shandys ( mostly lemonade )
thing is ive been really bad the past few days since that. yesterday the chronic fatigue took over and i was totally wiped, i even took a panic attack over the fact i had eaten dinner, crisps and a bag of sweets and i still felt hungry :( i ended up falling asleep and apart from getting up for a wee i ended up sleeping for 14 hours.
i woke up today but my anxiety is through the roof again. im shaky and feel like im on the verge of a panic attack. its horrible.
ive still not braved taking the excitalopram and i feel like an idiot for the fact that i havnt done it yet. i just want to be better so why do i keep putting this off ?
im a total mess and i dont want to live life like this anymore but i dont know what more i can do

---------- Post added at 15:18 ---------- Previous post was at 13:44 ----------

ok ive bit the bullet and phoned the docs. because ive got a new one ive gotta run it past him that im taking the antdepressants because i dont wanna get through the first week and then he tells me he isnt happy about me being on them .... ekkkk !!
my docs is a half day today but someone will phone me in the morning about it. i was thinking well thats great because i can start them as soon as i get the call, wrong !! i need to babysit my almost 2 year old neice and i wouldnt want her around me if they give me scary side effects :(
ive also messaged my kids stepmum and asked to speak to her so i can get plans in place for the next few weeks incase im up and down so that i still get to see the kids but im minimising them being affected by it all.
i have to say im terrified of taking them but im going to have to do it. im only getting 1 maybe 2 good days and then im back to square one. this has been 3 months + now and im not doing it anymore. i shall update tomoz after ive taken it xx

[Carolin]

Just wanted to say I totally understand your anxiety about starting meds

. It's scary when you feel like you can't get any worse but are scared to take something which may pull you down further . I have just changed meds and had a real battle to do so. I honestly think I was so low the meds couldn't make things worse.

So I just wanted to show my support. Sometimes it helps to hear people say they understand. I hope you find the courage to give them a go, but remember you can always stop or change if things go wrong. I'm still trying to find my magic cure ! Xx

[CharleneMac]

Hi Carolin, it means alot that u took the time to support me :) you really are right though and i dont think things can get any worse right now. i really need something to be getting me through this and i know now that nothing i do on my own is going to help. sometimes its hard to understand that it might be a chemical imbalance :/
ive decided that tomorow is the day im going to start them no matter how scared i get ... im scared anyways without them so i might as well, hell i might even manage a half decent xmas for my kids if these work.
i went to the shop tonight and i got a little out of breath ( ive been in bed almost nonstop for 3 months ) because ive had no voice for 4 weeks ive automatically decided i must have some form of cancer :( its rediculous how messed up my mind is working now and i dont want this anymore xx

[CharleneMac]

well i got myself all hyped up to take the meds, i was ready apoised to go as soon as the doc gave me the green light and then she phoned and its all gone downhill from there. she told me that their practice wont prescribe that med at all, no chance of it but i can go on citalopram ( i thought i was a superhero and wanted to fight a local housebreaker last time ) or fluoxitine ( it made me manic and suicidal ) or then i can go on sertaline ( again made me manic, docs accused me of just not knowing what happy is ) so erm yeh .... where does that leave me now ?? well ive to go in tomorrow for an appointment because one more day wont make a difference ( her words not mine ) so now i feel like ive been kicked in the chest with a horse, my mood has plummeted, i feel like im losing the plot and i just cant take anymore. i mean im trying to get better, im doing all the right things and yeh it might take a while but im finally trying to take the right meds but even that isnt good enough now. its like just when im about to score the goal someone moves the posts and that is making everything a million times worse.
its actually started crossing my mind that maybe, just maybe if i could get myself put in prison i might get a better mental health care system that way but dont worry too much, its just a fleeting thought but it scarily makes sense :(
this afternoon i was lying o nthe couch in my usual too exhausted to breath position and i got a call from the mysterious mental health social worker who has made all these decisions but ive never met, never mind given a name .... but anyways she called to say its clear i need more help to get myself out of this and she wants to be doing a needs assessment on me next week to see where we can all go from there.
see i think this is an amazing thing and i really appreciate all these services being involved BUT ( theres always a but nowadays ) whats the point in putting things into place when i just cant get out of this slump and the meds just dont agree with me so i dont have anything to help me medically. im trying really really hard to see positives in everything and i keep reminding myself that its an illness and i will get better at some point but omg its so exhausting just doing nothing ... its all just blurgh.
i find that yet again im in my bed, i did sit in the living room for a bit but my anxoety shot up so i had to get to my bed before the panic fully set in :(
i just dont know what im ment to be doing anymore but im doing everything that im being told and im still getting nowhere :/
so yeh thats were i am up till now ... we shall see what the docs say tomorrow and what pointless prescription im going to be walking out with this time. wish me luck xx

[Carolin]

I wish you luck charlene.

Lets hope the GP tomorrow can prescribe you something which you haven't tried before. If its any consolation, I have tried citalopram and escitalopram and found them to be exactly the same ( no good for me )

Are you seeing a mental health team ? I have the level four help, which means a psychiatrist is involved in prescribing. They are able to prescribe a wider range of meds than a GP. May be an option for you to request to your GP?

Hope you get some answers tomorrow. Try and keep strong. I know exactly how you are feeling, and it is not nice xxx

[CharleneMac]

ended up phoning the out of hours gp, i felt horrendous with the sinusitits but he came out and gave me antibiotics that he said i shouldnt be taking .... but gave me them anyways so im so confused. anyways now im arguing with the other half because i need to be taking the steriod nasal spray which im scared to do because of this side effects ( yeh thats old chestnut again ) why oh why cant i just get over this stupid illogical fear so i can just get better .... this is killing me

[CharleneMac]

so i finally started the meds. i went to the docs yesterday and she gave me .... escitalopram !! havnt a clue what the fuss was about them before but anyways ive woke up and took one. cue almighty freak out :( im positive they cant be doing anything because i only took them an hour ago but i feel mega teary and panicky !!
i just wish anxiety would stop trying to make it so hard for me to fight it ... its honestly like having a domestically abusive partner in my own head 24/7 !!
well despite it ive taken the tab as i say and yeh i feel like im going to go insane with the anx now :(
i hate hate hate having to go through this fear and uncertainty that these will work but things cant get much worse can it ..
im going to start a diary about the meds on a seperate thread but i will be coming back onto this one for unpdates too xx

[Carolin]

Good luck Charlene I hope they work for you :)

Well done for taking the step to give them a go. I know that feeling well... when you cant feel any worse, you know you have nothing to lose by taking them. Escitalopram is supposed to have less side effects so lets hope they work well for you xxx

[CharleneMac]

Hey carolin, i hope u are well :)
Im just praying i can get a little better for the kids for xmas. I know its a big ask but this is the time of year for miracles to happen lol xx

[Carolin]

lets both pray for a miracle :)

I too would like to be stronger for Christmas. It feels so daunting to put on the smile and have the festive cheer. I don't want to spoil it for my children, but I know I am going to struggle.

Getting from one school run to the next is almost impossible at the moment. I look at everyone else doing things so effortlessly, and wonder what on earth has gone wrong with me.

I've accepted Christmas will be difficult . My husband doesn't understand, but tries his best. It can't be easy living with me !

Hope the tablets work for you :) xxx

[CharleneMac]

have u been taking anything for it or getting any help ?
it can be so hard when others dont understand it but im glad we have everyone in here ... remember we are always here and the chatroom can be a great sourse of comfort too xx

[Carolin]

I have been on nearly every SSRI , duloxetine,venlafaxine and mirtazepine. None have worked . I have also tried older meds but still no good .

I think I am treatment resistant !!


My anxiety is much better since taking buspirone, but my depression is really severe at the moment. I have a CPN who I see regularly and a psychiatrist every 3 months. No one seems to have a clue what to do next and I really need to have some hope.

I also do talking therapy which is difficult, but necessary. Just need a miracle as we said before :). Xx

[CharleneMac]

the buspirone is a godsend :) i ended up taking 2 of them last night to try and calm down because i felt a bit wired on the meds.
sorry to hear that u are meds resistant :( there is nothing worse than knowing there is help out there but it wont work for u. i was feeling like i was med resistant too but then when i had a proper think about it all i realised that is was more than likely i was putting myself off them and never giving anything a chance. im determined that i will be this time but ive got a flickering eye and i went from wide awake to asleep finally at 5 this morning. i dont like that so im trying to put off taking the next tablet ... i know i need to take it because im not doing this for me but urgh i hate them xx

[Carolin]

Have you taken the tablet Charlene ? I know its scary but give them a good go if you can.

At least the buspirone works for you too. You always have that to help. I take the highest amount possible ( 45mg ) and really am grateful it helps to keep me calm most of the time .

Today has been difficult. Me and my autistic son on our own all day. Pouring down with rain so couldn't take him out, and me feeling on the verge of tears most of the day :weep:

Tomorrows another day.... as my CPN keeps reminding me !!

Hope you are doing better xx

[CharleneMac]

well its been 6 months since ive last posted, not far off a year for all of this to kick off. all in all the medications have helped me imensly. i have spent a good few months living what i would call a normal life. im still doing the CBT and ive now been able to get back out on buses again.
the only issue has been that again there is alot going on in my life that means my moods have started to slip again. im now going through the dreaded increase in meds and its not as bad as i thought it would be. reading back on this i can see it wasnt that bad starting up in the first place so thats a huge help :)
the other thing is i know 100% i have my fiances support thrugh it all and he isnt going to leave me and run away with another woman lol ... that is a comfort knowing i dont need to worry