Can't deal with myself anymore

[misslove]

Today was the first day of school for our daughter. I knew that my anxiety would make it a horrible experience for both of us. So I asked my husband to go into work late and take her. First of all he berated me and made me feel like I was doing the worst thing possible. I was sad and depressed my baby girl was going to school and anxiety on top of that I wasn't having a good time. Then he gets lost on. The way to the school and then tells me how much of a coward I am for letting my anxiety ruin something so important. Then to make it all worse he tells our daughter that I didn't take her because I'm a coward. Then he hates the school and wants to send her to a church. That does schooling. Idk what to do I'm so depressed and hating my husband. He makes me feel way worse then my anxiety and fear already does.o wish he would support me and make me feel better. He things attacking me is going to make me be the way he wants me to be. I've tried to explain that it's not something I can ignore and make go away. He won't understand it. He said that I have no idea who my daughter is and that I'm the worst thing for her

[dally]

Hi,
I truly understand.
You do know what an important event it was. Your husband must know deep down that nothing, that was in your power would stop you from taking your child to school on their first day!
It must've been heart breaking for you, then to be made to feel more guilty by his reaction.l!
I think it is his way of expressing his frustration at dealing with a situation he has no control over.
He may actually not fully understand how fearful and trapped you are in your own body.
I hope you can seek help through CBT. And your doctor. Take care x!

[ButWhy??]

Hi misslove,

Lots of people really don't understand what its like to struggle with issues like these but you really deserve someone who at least tries to understand and support you! No one should be put down by people they love. Maybe ask your husband to read up a little on anxiety so he starts to understand that it is a real thing that is largely out of ones control! Have you sat him down and explained to him that you want to get past your anxiety however you need his help and support to do so? He is your life partner after all.. Isn't that one of the things they are for? =)

I hope your daughter enjoyed her first day.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think your husband needs to take a look at himself, misslove. Telling your young child that "mummy is a coward" is a very low thing to do...you could say the act of a coward :winks:

I also think your husband needs to consider the impact he has had on you & your daughter because wasn't he an alcoholic who had gone back on the booze not long ago? (is he clean again now?)

Of course you wanted to be there, what mother wouldn't? And of course you know your daughter and of course she needs you. If he is such a great dad, how is he didn't realise the type of school she was going to? This makes me think you have done a load on your own here and this is all stressful stuff to you so it would have taken you courage to do these things.

I hope that doesn't annoy you further but I think this is one way and he hasn't considered his habits and the stress on you which will only contribute to your anxiety so he can't claim to be squeeky clean in this.

[misslove]

I agree terry. Yes he is back to drinking but it's actually under control. He doesn't get drunk. My daughter has grown up so much in a few weeks. School, learned to ride her bike without training wheels. She's miss indepenntT. He really doesn't understand how much anxiety gets me down. He thinks I'm crazy when I worry about the little things. My biggest fear is not being there for my kid. I want to have another one soon and I'm scared I'm gonna worry about everything. Basically I worry about worrying to much.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats pretty classic of anxiety though isn't it, fear of fear, how will I cope? I can't do what "normal" people do, etc. But you had a child before and you have been bringing her up under difficult circumstances with your anxiety and then there is your husbands drinking. So, you have more strength than you realise.

He may not be able to understand how you feel and it's exactly the same as how you don't know how he feels when he is being pulled towards that next drink when he knows it's a destructive path. Perhaps he needs to spend some time reading the stories of other anxiety disorder sufferers to see how it affects others so he can relate to your situation? Like on Time For Change, for instance? Or whatever US equivalent you have to tackle stigma.

She will always need her mum, no matter how independent she gets but it must make you proud to see her grow.

[misslove]

That was wonderfully worded. I feel like I have a grasp on what he goes thru with his drinking. I have watched it happen for more then 5 years. I may not know his thoughts and feeling but I know his reactions to situations involving alcohol. When he drinks he very predictable. But I feel like he doesn't know as much about my anxiety. How hard just grocery shopping is. How bad I feel that we can't go out to a dinner date like other couples. I used to be a very outgoing girl. Never said no to a road trip or anything. Now I can hardly stand being a passenger in a car for 5 minutes. Some days I just want to stay in bed but I know I have to get up to take care of our daughter.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It sounds like you have tried to understand him but perhaps he hasn't done the same for you. Hopefully this will change and he will be more accepting of these limits on your life at the moment and how you don't want to be like this just as he would love to be able to drink without having to watch out for escalation.

We can be predictable too, although maybe we don't always see it? So, if he understood more he would more likely be able to tackle it in a more thoughtful and supportive way. We all snap on occasion though as things can get tough and thats always discussed in terms of anxiety on here but it happens in general in relationships due to any stress but perhaps we sometimes forget this too?

Your withdrawal from things is a typical anxiety safety behaviour, I've done it too. Anything that could be a trigger got removed so this meant not seeing friends, then not talking, then not texting, etc. It was the same with my work declining in some ways. Eventually I did it with going out of the house, food, supplements, etc. I always said I would hang on at work until I really couldn't take it anymore because my anxiety would then focus on every other element of my life. I didn't understand it back then so I let it do all this to me but I know better now.

You just need some help to move forward.

[ricardo]

I have to be a bit more blunt than the others that have commented.

You say you would like another child but to me your priority is do you actually have a supportive husband long term or not.
Things aren't exactly going well and I keep thinking is the alcohol going to raise it's ugly head again.

Would he go with you to see a councellor as to me that would be the first step to see if you really can have a solid marriage.

[misslove]

I don't think would want him to go with me. I need to figure out myself before I can help our marriage

[emily67]

I don't think would want him to go with me. I need to figure out myself before I can help our marriage



misslove,

i just wanted to reply and tell you i've read this thread and you have my support also

[misslove]

Thanks Emily. I did talk to my husband and he does support me going to seek help. Now it's just up to me to do the rest which terrifies me