Tired.....

[Hears The Water]

I need to vent and I know that here is a safe place to do just that. I know that y'all will understand what I am going through. I just feel .... tired. Tired of all of the ways my life has changed because of my PD, tired of feeling trapped in all of the "rituals" that I do (like always wipeing my hands after touching someting outside of my house), tired of all of the energy I waste in fearing. I am tired of having to force myself to do anything like just going to the store sometimes. I am tired of having to explain to others just why I have a red face and my eyes are all wide and I am freaking out. When I get like this I just wish I could just curl up into a little ball and just no longer be. NO, I am not suicidal I know I will feel differently soon, but for right now it feels like it would just be a lot easier if I just was not even here. I don't understand why I am like this, I hate it. I feel stupid when I react in fear, I feel angry when I do . I hate haveing to talk myself out of my tree. I am sad because I feel like I have lost part of myself. I worry that I am short-changing my kids because their mom is so nutty.
Just today, I was at our church at our homeschool's co-op. I was in the bathroom and I dropped something out of my pocket and bent over to pick it up. When I stood up I hit my head on a shelf that some genius decided to put in there. Now, let my qualify this, I did NOT loose concisious, I did NOT break the skin, I barely even have a lump. It barely even hurts right now. But I FREAKED out! I had such an adrenalyne rush from my fear that I felt "off" almost dizzy, not realy dizzy but what I call woogedy. Like the world is off kilter. Now I know that this is a very common sign for me when I get scared like that. I got so mad at myself. I was crying and my friends where conerned for me. They where very supportive and kind, but I just hate feeling like that. I wanted to run. I wanted to go home and hide. So I made myself wait for about 15 minutes so I was not running in total fear, but I am still worrying that I have a cunsussion. My pupils look fine I barely even have a headache, but I am still constatly asking myself if I am ok. Constatnly checking my head, my pupils etc. etc. It is all very draining. If one of my kids had a bump on their heads like this I would just tell them to go on and not to worry about it. Why can't I do the same for myself. This is only one example of what I am talking about. This type of stuff happens all the time. When I am this frame of mind everything looks pretty bleak. Like I said, I am tired. Has anyone else ever felt this hopeless? Like, I have to be like this the rest of my life??? Will it ever get better and stay better? Am I just not being patient enough? Is there any hope??? Ack all of this crying has made my head hurt.... ack cuncussion, see, it is just a vicious cycle. Any input would be appreceated.
God bless you and yours
Debbie

[seh1980]

hi there Debbie,

It is very normal to feel tired when suffering from anxiety so don't worry too much abou it!! When we suffer from panic attacks, our mind always manages to blow everything out of proportion so it is normal that you are worried about a little bump on your head even though you know that there is realistically nothing wrong with you. I sometimes get headaches and think i have a brain tumour!! silly, huh? I often feel hopeless and then I feel better again. Don't worry, you're not alone!!:)

Sarah :D

[lainey]

Hi Debbie

I felt quite similar to you this weekend, you feel as if the feeling will never end and it is mentally draining. It will get better I promise you. I very often feel hopeless and then gradually everyhting starts looking brighter:D.
You take care of yourself and hopefully tomorrow will be a brightr day.

Elaine x

[pootle]

Things can and will get better, i promise you.

There have been many times when i've felt completely tired of life, of my anxiety and depression, of having to go through each day with same fears and with no end in sight. I've never been a suicidal person either, just completely and desperately tired of it all.

I know it can be hard to see a way forward when things are rough, but with the right help and support you can get through anything. As you say, anxiety and depression can be a vicious circle, but the fact that you have posted this message proves that you are already making a start on breaking the cycle.

Will things get better? Definately.

Will you feel like this for the rest of your life? Absolutely not.

Take Care, Andy (pootle)

[jo-jo]

Hiya honey

Yes, I've felt totally hopeless and felt like I couldn't see an end to my problems for a time when my panic was really bad, but today is a different story and although I do still get anxious, I can see a life without panic in it. There will be a way for you to get there too, its just that it may take you a little while to figure out which is the right path for you to take and what it is that can help you. I went overboard and went to the GPs for meds, had a course of acupuncture, 2 sessions of counselling and 1 of hypnotherapy. I know it sounds excessive but for me it worked - although I couldn't swear which of the above was the most beneficial! Your path may well end up being totally different but it doesn't mean you won't get there in the end. Don't give up, you're doing really well and as you know, when we feel anxious we do blow things like a bump on the head out of proportion.

Best wishes, Jo xx