BrokenSteve
17-09-15, 18:03
Hello everyone!
I'm new to the forum and I hope I have put this thread in the correct section, I warn you that this post may be quite lengthy however I will try to cut it to the main points.
Somewhat Sexual content is later in post just a warning.
For the past few weeks I have been attending counseling sessions to speak about the issues that don't seem to go away with my mental health; Although it is only 'early days' with these sessions I don't feel like I am getting any answers... The way I see it is I could talk about all of these things until I'm blue in the face but without any suggestions on how I can manage these thoughts and feelings I know in myself that I will stay in the same frame of mind for years and this scares the hell of me. The reason why I'm writing on this forum is for feedback from anyone out there that has experienced anything that I'm about to share I would be so grateful for any suggestions you may have to get me back on track however I do understand that there is no magic words to snap out of depression and anxiety.
I'm twenty one years old and from Glasgow in Scotland, my mother and father split up when I was five (my mother left my dad for another man named John) and I don't keep in contact with my father due to him not being able to let go of the past and he used to speak about my mother like she was a slut and to speak to a young boy for years in that way about his mother if you can imagine was quite tormenting so I reluctantly cut contact.
I then lived with my THREE sisters, my mother and her new partner named John... John started as what seemed like an alright person he had some strict rules with housework etc however he did seem like he cared to begin with however looking back it was just a way for him to weedle his way into our family. I was crying out for a father figure I had no one to teach me to be a man no brothers no other family as my mother was adopted so no family left on her side no male role models so I looked to John.
The beginnings of psychological abuse begins; John started drinking heavily and would speak to me like I was not human ...everything I suggested was wrong every idea I had was stupid every suggestion was laughable he would poke fun at any opinions I had as a young boy (now from ages 9-10) He shattered my confidence in doing this if I we were watching TV and a film was on I would ask "What is this we're watching?" he would answer "A FILM." and sigh. I remember a time when I was crying because he cut the plug off of my TV and he came into my room late and night and was laughing at me saying "Your mummy isn't here who are you crying for keep crying your eyes out". I didn't wash a dish properly one night after dinner and the following night I thanked him for cooking a meal and he replied that the plate I was using was filthy and he didn't rewash it and said that would teach me for not cleaning dishes properly. These small things seem like nothing in the scale of physical abuse that is out there however years of dealing with this; the point I'm trying to make is this is when I my self-belief died this is where I stopped thinking I was of any worth.
John started getting more violent, and aggressive. I was about twelve years old at this point and I was annoyed because I was not allowed on the computer... John got extremely angry dragged me through the entire house by my T-shirt; knocked me off of walls and any objects in the way and hit me across my face a few times. I was bleeding under my arms from the T-shirt cutting into my skin. I actually pissed myself a little bit because I was so scared. Now that the boundary of physical attacks had been broken I was even more scared of John so now along with the mind games he would play with housework etc I also had to contend with thinking I mustn't anger him or he'll kill me. My sisters during this time would need to deal with John's moods but he never treated them the way he treated me... he treated me like a slave child and spoke to my sisters with more respect to the point now my sisters could notice how scared I was even when asking him a simple question like "Has the dog been fed?" I would stutter and he seemed to get a kick out of how terrified I was.
During these times my Mother and John would argue late into the night he would shout so loud and crash around the house drunk; about the rules in the house, money problems... John's drinking, my mother did try to defend me and made John apologise for his violent outburst the apology was so forced, and so smug... he said it with a smile of his face. The damage had already been done. John attacked me another couple of times throughout the next couple of years and on one occasion the police were called when he tried to run for me when all I did was look at him... his biological sons had to pull him back while we waited for the police.
Throughout the next few years my Mother and John would split up for a few weeks and I would think it was all over ... then my mother would always go back to him and we would all have a big chat about how we were going to work hard do our chours and try to get along then after a couple of days it would be straight back to being terrified in your own home. My mother and John would split up and get back together countless times and each time it would hurt even more as my mother knew that he was having a big effect on me. To this day I cannot really forgive my mum for allowing this to happen.
I was always young looking for my age and didn't hit puberty until I was 17. How ridiculous is that? Obviously during these years in school of being the little kid that doesn't grow up was embarrassing and I did get made fun of and was often called pubeless or tiny dick. I couldn't defend myself as everyone was bigger than me. I had to get Testosterone injections to grow... I then grew to 6ft 1 in very little time. John then stopped being aggressive and condescending towards me as I think he realized I was now bigger and stronger than he was. I wanted him to try his old tactics with me and I wanted to be justified in kicking the living shit out of him... but he never provoked anything after I grew. My mother and John split up finally when I turned 19. Far too late.
I wish I could have confronted him, however back then this all was just the norm for me and to this day it feels unresolved I keep thinking that maybe if I fought him back maybe I would be a different person today as I would have the confidence in knowing I stood up for myself...
Most people tend to have the first experiences with the opposite sex in their teens... I never had that luxury as I looked like I was about nine years old for all of my teens and girls do not want to **** 9 year old boys. I ended up unemployed after two failed attempts at college, I always go through periods of months unemployed then shitty job, then months unemployed then shitty job.
Fast forward until I'm 20 years old been unemployed for 6 months at this point no one is hiring... I'm a virgin at 20, spent all my time playing Xbox getting pretty chubby and feel worthless as always finally got the courage to go to a doctor explained how I felt and was prescribed citalopram 20mg daily (anti-depressants) I had been prescribed stuff in the past but never took anything regularly due to laziness or forgetfulness. This time though I decided to give it a proper go I then got a job in a Debt Collections call centre in Glasgow. I got a fancy new haircut and the pills somehow made me loose a bit of weight; my mother gave me some money to buy new clothes for my birthday and I felt like I looked much better.
There was two girls in the training for the new job named Jade and Laura ... Jade started giving me a lot of attention we had to get a train to Glasgow everyday and Jade would sit with her legs draped over me and would laugh at everything I said and just seemed overall extremely flirty she would ask me if I was doing anything at the weekend and I would always pretend I had something better to do like going out to a club or something exciting I led her to believe that I was something I'm not like a player type I got really good at acting confident; acting like I was such a bad-ass and it was working.
I knew these girls were bad news, they were the sort of party girls that cause a lot of drama on nights out... however I had a V-card to loose and I thought the gamble was worth the risk. In the office there was another guy who was a real ladies-man named Alistair after a couple of weekends past in the training Alistair had banged Jade in a night out that Jade invited me to but I declined (as I wanted to show I was unavailable) This was obviously frustrating as I had a girl giving me all this attention then she jumped to another guy.
The attention didn't stop thought she sat next to me in work and she would always have some physical contact with me, she would ask me to "feel her arse" on occasion or show me pictures of her doing pretty dirty things... still overly flirty and overly sexual she would sit on my lap on breaks on cuddle me whenever she seen me I didn't make it out like I cared for her attention as I knew that in order to keep her interested I had to pretend I was somewhat superior to her.
I started hanging about with them going to their houses for parties or going to clubs and if any other guys disrespected me I would shoot them down and because I had female attention I looked like an alpha male when really it was all a big show. Laura basically threw herself at me one night but she was really drunk and I didn't want my first time to be with a girl that was really drunk so I declined. Which again somehow increased both of their interest in me.
I had given up with Jade at this point and was considering just waiting for another occasion with Laura... I started texting her and she started being quite flirty via phone calls and texts.
She invited me up to her house one night just me and her, I go into her room and there's candles lit everywhere and she's not wearing a lot of clothes sitting on her laptop in my head I knew this was promising... I tried to kiss her and she pulled back and laughed a little bit she was messing with me and she knew the reason why she invited me. There was a little bit of back and forth but then we decided to go to to sleep I cuddled into her then slowly moved my hand from her stomach downstairs she said stop however then moved my hand down ... we then kissed and we started to have sex as this was my first time I had no idea how it was going to work as I really couldn't fit inside her it just wasn't happening and the more it was happening the more I thought she was going to know that I was really a virgin and I had been acting like I was someone else this whole time.
I stopped, she kept moaning why did you stop c'mon ... and I said another night and she said there might not be another night. Then we went to sleep and the next morning she said she liked me and felt like I might still have a chance.
The next weekend Jade had invited me out to a club just me and her, I was embarrased about my performance that night with Laura and I was scared people in work would find out and the preassure to successfully have sex was so much that I was determined to get laid and it became more about obsession.
Jade and I were dancing in the club she was still banging alistair each weekend but they werent officially going out and she was still giving me lots of attention she would grind up against me and any girl I tried to speak to in the club she would pull me away on the way home I lied and said I didn't have my key could I stay at hers she said yes.
We went back to hers and her sister was sleeping in her room on her doublebed so there was two sofas... this was a drug fueled night with lots of drink aswell and we both lay on each sofa. After a few minutes I decided to make a move I pushed both of the couches together and cuddled into Jade like we normally would and I had my hand on her stomach I slowly dragged my hand down as I was under the impression she was awake and she could have said no at anytime. I moved my hand to her hip and kept doing this suggesitive motion and she didn't stop me so in my mind I thought I need to man up and make a move. I put my hand down slowly down from her stomach downstairs and she didn't stop me but she didn't react either I stopped rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up the next day shared a fag with Jade laughing about the night before she then invited me through to her room, she did not ask me to leave she did not seem angry about anything.
We lay in her bed watched a full film still having a laugh about the night before.
She wasn't giving me as much sexual attention as would do in work so I decided somehow it would be a good idea for me to try again so I felt her arse like what she had asked me to do in work before. Which I didn't feel like I was breaking a boundry as she had already wanted this before. She asked me to stop, I stopped and apologised she said it's fine don't worry about it.
We then spoke a while longer and I left.
I got a phonecall from Laura saying "What is this I heard you told people I slept with you we didn't sleep together and what's this I'm hearing you touched up Jade in her sleep last night she's really upset?!"
I go into work and everyone is looking at me like I'm a monster Laura as made it out that nothing happened between me and her and Jade is making it out like she never gave me any signals and I touched her up in her sleep. All the respect I had gained for pretending to be something I wasn't had been lost. I looked like a creep.
I had to keep going into work and showing face only a select few people still spoke to me everyone else believed Jade's side of the story she had basically told everyone that she felt scared and felt that I could rape her. She would cry on nights out when she seen me if i was in a local pub or club and would point guys over to me.
I know I should have went in for the kiss first however it was my second attempt with a girl, I thought that my action suited the relationship we had as she had already been giving me physical signals like grabbing my dick through my jeans etc. On top of this the night I was with Laura she allowed me to start intercourse that way which made me feel like that was normal?
Basically to cut everything short now, Jade got sacked from work for causing drama elsewhere aswell not because of what happened with herself and I and she seen me smile as she left which caused her to get really pissed off she showed up at my house with Laura and ALSO her mum. I then had to explain myself to my family and Jade's mother and that I did not intend to break any boundries I could not tell Jade's mother about how Jade would act around me because it would be easy for Jade to deny any of the flirting especially to explain to someones mother about her daughter showing me picture of her doing a sexual act on a dancefloor. I decided to own up as much as possible and apologise however I did state I did not intend to hurt anyone. I also told them I was a virgin biggest mistake ever.
After all of this I met another girl, she was a really nice person we ended up being friends with benefits for a few months... I never got over the rise in fall of pretending to be someone else; my confidence was so high during the peak of the attention I got during that time people looked at me differently I could speak to anyone and feel confident doing it, I was the life and soul of the party and would love to get back into that place but my confidence is now so low that I feel like it would take a miracle to get me out of this mindset.
I don't sleep until about 5AM then when I finally do sleep I get nightmares about my childhood or about my peers laughing at me for how pathetic I am ... I play over the same memories in my head over and over again. I'm now not working and struggle even to go to the shop without getting a panic attack.
Thanks for your time,
Steve
I'm new to the forum and I hope I have put this thread in the correct section, I warn you that this post may be quite lengthy however I will try to cut it to the main points.
Somewhat Sexual content is later in post just a warning.
For the past few weeks I have been attending counseling sessions to speak about the issues that don't seem to go away with my mental health; Although it is only 'early days' with these sessions I don't feel like I am getting any answers... The way I see it is I could talk about all of these things until I'm blue in the face but without any suggestions on how I can manage these thoughts and feelings I know in myself that I will stay in the same frame of mind for years and this scares the hell of me. The reason why I'm writing on this forum is for feedback from anyone out there that has experienced anything that I'm about to share I would be so grateful for any suggestions you may have to get me back on track however I do understand that there is no magic words to snap out of depression and anxiety.
I'm twenty one years old and from Glasgow in Scotland, my mother and father split up when I was five (my mother left my dad for another man named John) and I don't keep in contact with my father due to him not being able to let go of the past and he used to speak about my mother like she was a slut and to speak to a young boy for years in that way about his mother if you can imagine was quite tormenting so I reluctantly cut contact.
I then lived with my THREE sisters, my mother and her new partner named John... John started as what seemed like an alright person he had some strict rules with housework etc however he did seem like he cared to begin with however looking back it was just a way for him to weedle his way into our family. I was crying out for a father figure I had no one to teach me to be a man no brothers no other family as my mother was adopted so no family left on her side no male role models so I looked to John.
The beginnings of psychological abuse begins; John started drinking heavily and would speak to me like I was not human ...everything I suggested was wrong every idea I had was stupid every suggestion was laughable he would poke fun at any opinions I had as a young boy (now from ages 9-10) He shattered my confidence in doing this if I we were watching TV and a film was on I would ask "What is this we're watching?" he would answer "A FILM." and sigh. I remember a time when I was crying because he cut the plug off of my TV and he came into my room late and night and was laughing at me saying "Your mummy isn't here who are you crying for keep crying your eyes out". I didn't wash a dish properly one night after dinner and the following night I thanked him for cooking a meal and he replied that the plate I was using was filthy and he didn't rewash it and said that would teach me for not cleaning dishes properly. These small things seem like nothing in the scale of physical abuse that is out there however years of dealing with this; the point I'm trying to make is this is when I my self-belief died this is where I stopped thinking I was of any worth.
John started getting more violent, and aggressive. I was about twelve years old at this point and I was annoyed because I was not allowed on the computer... John got extremely angry dragged me through the entire house by my T-shirt; knocked me off of walls and any objects in the way and hit me across my face a few times. I was bleeding under my arms from the T-shirt cutting into my skin. I actually pissed myself a little bit because I was so scared. Now that the boundary of physical attacks had been broken I was even more scared of John so now along with the mind games he would play with housework etc I also had to contend with thinking I mustn't anger him or he'll kill me. My sisters during this time would need to deal with John's moods but he never treated them the way he treated me... he treated me like a slave child and spoke to my sisters with more respect to the point now my sisters could notice how scared I was even when asking him a simple question like "Has the dog been fed?" I would stutter and he seemed to get a kick out of how terrified I was.
During these times my Mother and John would argue late into the night he would shout so loud and crash around the house drunk; about the rules in the house, money problems... John's drinking, my mother did try to defend me and made John apologise for his violent outburst the apology was so forced, and so smug... he said it with a smile of his face. The damage had already been done. John attacked me another couple of times throughout the next couple of years and on one occasion the police were called when he tried to run for me when all I did was look at him... his biological sons had to pull him back while we waited for the police.
Throughout the next few years my Mother and John would split up for a few weeks and I would think it was all over ... then my mother would always go back to him and we would all have a big chat about how we were going to work hard do our chours and try to get along then after a couple of days it would be straight back to being terrified in your own home. My mother and John would split up and get back together countless times and each time it would hurt even more as my mother knew that he was having a big effect on me. To this day I cannot really forgive my mum for allowing this to happen.
I was always young looking for my age and didn't hit puberty until I was 17. How ridiculous is that? Obviously during these years in school of being the little kid that doesn't grow up was embarrassing and I did get made fun of and was often called pubeless or tiny dick. I couldn't defend myself as everyone was bigger than me. I had to get Testosterone injections to grow... I then grew to 6ft 1 in very little time. John then stopped being aggressive and condescending towards me as I think he realized I was now bigger and stronger than he was. I wanted him to try his old tactics with me and I wanted to be justified in kicking the living shit out of him... but he never provoked anything after I grew. My mother and John split up finally when I turned 19. Far too late.
I wish I could have confronted him, however back then this all was just the norm for me and to this day it feels unresolved I keep thinking that maybe if I fought him back maybe I would be a different person today as I would have the confidence in knowing I stood up for myself...
Most people tend to have the first experiences with the opposite sex in their teens... I never had that luxury as I looked like I was about nine years old for all of my teens and girls do not want to **** 9 year old boys. I ended up unemployed after two failed attempts at college, I always go through periods of months unemployed then shitty job, then months unemployed then shitty job.
Fast forward until I'm 20 years old been unemployed for 6 months at this point no one is hiring... I'm a virgin at 20, spent all my time playing Xbox getting pretty chubby and feel worthless as always finally got the courage to go to a doctor explained how I felt and was prescribed citalopram 20mg daily (anti-depressants) I had been prescribed stuff in the past but never took anything regularly due to laziness or forgetfulness. This time though I decided to give it a proper go I then got a job in a Debt Collections call centre in Glasgow. I got a fancy new haircut and the pills somehow made me loose a bit of weight; my mother gave me some money to buy new clothes for my birthday and I felt like I looked much better.
There was two girls in the training for the new job named Jade and Laura ... Jade started giving me a lot of attention we had to get a train to Glasgow everyday and Jade would sit with her legs draped over me and would laugh at everything I said and just seemed overall extremely flirty she would ask me if I was doing anything at the weekend and I would always pretend I had something better to do like going out to a club or something exciting I led her to believe that I was something I'm not like a player type I got really good at acting confident; acting like I was such a bad-ass and it was working.
I knew these girls were bad news, they were the sort of party girls that cause a lot of drama on nights out... however I had a V-card to loose and I thought the gamble was worth the risk. In the office there was another guy who was a real ladies-man named Alistair after a couple of weekends past in the training Alistair had banged Jade in a night out that Jade invited me to but I declined (as I wanted to show I was unavailable) This was obviously frustrating as I had a girl giving me all this attention then she jumped to another guy.
The attention didn't stop thought she sat next to me in work and she would always have some physical contact with me, she would ask me to "feel her arse" on occasion or show me pictures of her doing pretty dirty things... still overly flirty and overly sexual she would sit on my lap on breaks on cuddle me whenever she seen me I didn't make it out like I cared for her attention as I knew that in order to keep her interested I had to pretend I was somewhat superior to her.
I started hanging about with them going to their houses for parties or going to clubs and if any other guys disrespected me I would shoot them down and because I had female attention I looked like an alpha male when really it was all a big show. Laura basically threw herself at me one night but she was really drunk and I didn't want my first time to be with a girl that was really drunk so I declined. Which again somehow increased both of their interest in me.
I had given up with Jade at this point and was considering just waiting for another occasion with Laura... I started texting her and she started being quite flirty via phone calls and texts.
She invited me up to her house one night just me and her, I go into her room and there's candles lit everywhere and she's not wearing a lot of clothes sitting on her laptop in my head I knew this was promising... I tried to kiss her and she pulled back and laughed a little bit she was messing with me and she knew the reason why she invited me. There was a little bit of back and forth but then we decided to go to to sleep I cuddled into her then slowly moved my hand from her stomach downstairs she said stop however then moved my hand down ... we then kissed and we started to have sex as this was my first time I had no idea how it was going to work as I really couldn't fit inside her it just wasn't happening and the more it was happening the more I thought she was going to know that I was really a virgin and I had been acting like I was someone else this whole time.
I stopped, she kept moaning why did you stop c'mon ... and I said another night and she said there might not be another night. Then we went to sleep and the next morning she said she liked me and felt like I might still have a chance.
The next weekend Jade had invited me out to a club just me and her, I was embarrased about my performance that night with Laura and I was scared people in work would find out and the preassure to successfully have sex was so much that I was determined to get laid and it became more about obsession.
Jade and I were dancing in the club she was still banging alistair each weekend but they werent officially going out and she was still giving me lots of attention she would grind up against me and any girl I tried to speak to in the club she would pull me away on the way home I lied and said I didn't have my key could I stay at hers she said yes.
We went back to hers and her sister was sleeping in her room on her doublebed so there was two sofas... this was a drug fueled night with lots of drink aswell and we both lay on each sofa. After a few minutes I decided to make a move I pushed both of the couches together and cuddled into Jade like we normally would and I had my hand on her stomach I slowly dragged my hand down as I was under the impression she was awake and she could have said no at anytime. I moved my hand to her hip and kept doing this suggesitive motion and she didn't stop me so in my mind I thought I need to man up and make a move. I put my hand down slowly down from her stomach downstairs and she didn't stop me but she didn't react either I stopped rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up the next day shared a fag with Jade laughing about the night before she then invited me through to her room, she did not ask me to leave she did not seem angry about anything.
We lay in her bed watched a full film still having a laugh about the night before.
She wasn't giving me as much sexual attention as would do in work so I decided somehow it would be a good idea for me to try again so I felt her arse like what she had asked me to do in work before. Which I didn't feel like I was breaking a boundry as she had already wanted this before. She asked me to stop, I stopped and apologised she said it's fine don't worry about it.
We then spoke a while longer and I left.
I got a phonecall from Laura saying "What is this I heard you told people I slept with you we didn't sleep together and what's this I'm hearing you touched up Jade in her sleep last night she's really upset?!"
I go into work and everyone is looking at me like I'm a monster Laura as made it out that nothing happened between me and her and Jade is making it out like she never gave me any signals and I touched her up in her sleep. All the respect I had gained for pretending to be something I wasn't had been lost. I looked like a creep.
I had to keep going into work and showing face only a select few people still spoke to me everyone else believed Jade's side of the story she had basically told everyone that she felt scared and felt that I could rape her. She would cry on nights out when she seen me if i was in a local pub or club and would point guys over to me.
I know I should have went in for the kiss first however it was my second attempt with a girl, I thought that my action suited the relationship we had as she had already been giving me physical signals like grabbing my dick through my jeans etc. On top of this the night I was with Laura she allowed me to start intercourse that way which made me feel like that was normal?
Basically to cut everything short now, Jade got sacked from work for causing drama elsewhere aswell not because of what happened with herself and I and she seen me smile as she left which caused her to get really pissed off she showed up at my house with Laura and ALSO her mum. I then had to explain myself to my family and Jade's mother and that I did not intend to break any boundries I could not tell Jade's mother about how Jade would act around me because it would be easy for Jade to deny any of the flirting especially to explain to someones mother about her daughter showing me picture of her doing a sexual act on a dancefloor. I decided to own up as much as possible and apologise however I did state I did not intend to hurt anyone. I also told them I was a virgin biggest mistake ever.
After all of this I met another girl, she was a really nice person we ended up being friends with benefits for a few months... I never got over the rise in fall of pretending to be someone else; my confidence was so high during the peak of the attention I got during that time people looked at me differently I could speak to anyone and feel confident doing it, I was the life and soul of the party and would love to get back into that place but my confidence is now so low that I feel like it would take a miracle to get me out of this mindset.
I don't sleep until about 5AM then when I finally do sleep I get nightmares about my childhood or about my peers laughing at me for how pathetic I am ... I play over the same memories in my head over and over again. I'm now not working and struggle even to go to the shop without getting a panic attack.
Thanks for your time,
Steve