I'm an unnatural human being

[annnaa]

This weekend just confirmed I'm definitely going crazy. Just like always, when surrounded by people, I wear a fake look and it's like my mind is functioning differently but still overwhelmed with anxiety. Tomorrow I have this kind of "skills week", which is meant for the school to get to know each other. We usually make a 5-day-trip away from Ghent (where I live & go to school) but there was this problem with the money so we stay in Ghent and we don't have to sleep over at school. Everyone is like "oh no, that's just the best part of the skills week! waking up together, talking together all night long,... and I'm just thinking this is the best thing that has happened to me this year, although I still have to make it through the week.

My sister and I usually never talk, but today we kind of like 'bonded'. It wasn't for long, we were just going to the neighbourhood party together and talked about normal stuff. But I realised how much I love her and how much I love her attention and how much I love being around her. But she does leave Ghent for her skills week, and as I didn't know she was already leaving tonight, I cried my eyes out right after she left. I was taking a shower and this doesn't happen too often, but I cried out loud, not really thinking about other people hearing me (though pretty sure the sound of the water was too noisy). I had to come home everyday without my sister "almost" spotting me crying. This may sound so weird, but I hate it when things change. I just hate moving on and getting out of my comfort zone. But honestly, I'm going crazy. I try to motivate myself, but my thoughts don't make sense anymore.

About that, I would like to know if I'm the only one whose life is like 1 big act? I'm spending most of the day pretending literally everything. Nothing I do is natural.

-when I walk outside and feel uncomfortable when I see that a group of loud people is about to pass me, I think about how weird I look and I pretend to be very excited about something while concentrating on how I'm walking and how my face looks
-when I have to say something in class and (:mad:) the teacher asks me another question, I know half of my class is staring at me and though I'm freaking out on the inside, I pretend to be looking casually at my books and back at the teacher. Most of my actions are based on what I see on TV, but something it comes out way too awkward and then I blush and start mumbling, crying, etc.

It's weird I cannot think of more examples. But am I the only one who feels this way? I feel fake, small, insecure and most of all, it's like I won't grow up. It's been 2 years since I was aware of this problem and now I'm 14 and it feels like I'm still 12. I often get treated this way, too, but that's not my biggest worry right now.

I just feel so tired of being terrified of my future, the guilt that I'm carrying with me, going insane and battling with my own mind everyday. I'm just so ****ing tired of caring so much and feeling everything so very deeply. I just want to be saved

[hanshan]

Hi Annnaa,

If you are 14, being terrified of your future, feeling unnatural, fake or like you are acting is normal. You try out new looks, new behaviours, and gradually decide what feels right for you. All those apparently confident people your age also are a bundle of uncertainty and insecurity - they're also doing their best not to show it.

[Oosh]

Youre self conscious. I think self consciousness is one of the most significant things ive had to deal with. I know exactly what you mean. At one time i actually created a mantra to say to myself to remind me of what was happening and which direction i should be heading for.

Youre hyper aware of yourself. My cbt therapist called it "constantly checking yourself".

If youre doing what you think you see people on tv are doing youre probably not too comfortable in who you are, youre desperate to fit in, not attract any attention and so are being what you think will be accepted by others and wont draw negative attention to yourself. That also means youre not being you which is why you feel fake and just living your life observing yourself acting in an unnatural way.

If youre feeling insecure in who you are youre gonna want to hide it and be someone else instead. Youre also likely to be very self aware too, checking yourself to make sure youre not coming across negatively.
You should work on feeling secure in who you are, liking who you are more so you dont FEEL like there is a need to watch yourself and pretend.

People who feel secure in who they are look outward and flow. They talk without checking it, it just flows out. They dont feel the need to check it.
That means theyre also being themselves and not pretending to be anyone else. That might not be a good thing if theyre annoying :) Self aware people have a lot of good things about them. And these are the kind of things you need to start realising.

Two books i found helpful to raise self esteem where

Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that cant stop talking

and

The Highly Sensitive Person

Learn to have value for and be who you are.
Not wanting the spotlight, hating negative attention and finding you come out of your shell with safe individuals as opposed to groups is absolutely fine and youre one of millions of people who feel that way. Its a very natural way to be for many great people.

[mothdustt]

I remember when I was 14, and I did a lot of the same stuff you did. If someone talked to me I'd try and behave like how I saw others behaving, but if I was caught off guard it was like a social train wreck. One time I was sitting at my desk doing work and the girl in front of me turned around and asked me what book I was reading (it was a book sitting at the corner of my desk) and I just freaked. I started stumbling over my words, I couldn't make eye contact at all, I began sweating and my eyes teared up and I basically just mumbled some embarrassing garbage before putting my head down and continuing my work (or pretending to). She was very clearly wierded out and I still cringe thinking about it, but the thing is with age it has gotten so much easier to be myself. I think in time you'll find things get easier, it might take a very long time and you may not notice your improving much, but trust me, you will. :)