ButterflyB
26-09-15, 21:29
Hi
Gosh, so I am now not quite sure where to start really! I have a long on and off history of anxiety and other mental health issues but the anxiety is the 1 that keeps coming back to bite me. I am mid 30s but was first very noticeably affected by anxiety at age 13, it had a profound affect on my life and education but it was not recognised and diagnosed (despite much medical involvement) until I changed GP surgery at 18 when I was finally given a diagnosis of anxiety and bulimia and prescribed propanolol and prozac and received support for these issues and self harm . Tbh the bulimia and self harm were a damn sight easier to kick than the anxiety! From the age of approx 19- 28 anxiety was in and out of my life depending on circumstances but wasn't a major feature the vast majority of the time. At 28 I had my first baby and developed horrendous PND and anxiety that once again had a very significant affect on my quality of life and happiness. It took a good 2 years before I even began to feel better and then 1 day I felt a wee bit better and very, very slowly got better from there. It was a long, slow, lonley process and I eventually sought the support of a councellor who I was lucky to click with and worked my backside off to "recover". I have done so much work and achieved so much, got over the social anxiety that crippled me during my PND (once had to leave a supermarket because I met my next door neighbour 3 times and couldn't cope). My self esteem has never been better and I have achieved soooo much in my career and now have the job of my dreams that only 2 years ago I would have laughed, cried and felt utter despair if anyone had suggested that I would ever have this job. I made friends which seemed to be an insurmountable challenge and I was truly, truly happy in a way that I probably never have been before. Life wasn't perfect, just normal ups and downs, the good, the bad, the great and the not so great! But overall I was happy and anxiety was not a big feature. A couple of weeks ago I hit a really difficult period and now once more I am back on propanolol, I have an appointment coming up with same councellor (have seen a few times now over the past 4 years or so) and I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I can't cope at work, I am so bloody terrified of failing and losing every thing. Physically my anxiety has been off the scale for me and I have spent the last couple of weeks permanently with a racing heart, Churning stomach, the shakes, tingly arms, clenched teeth to the point that I have dislodged a filling and an intense feeling of dread and doom. I keep waiting to be "found out" at work, not for my anxiety but for my ineptitude, for my inability to do my job, for not having a clue what I am doing. I have never had any problems with my work, senior staff are always happy with my work, I get plenty of positive feedback. I am a wreck for absolutely no reason.
I apologise for the long post, once I started typing it just didn't stop!
Thank you for reading,
ButterflyB x
Gosh, so I am now not quite sure where to start really! I have a long on and off history of anxiety and other mental health issues but the anxiety is the 1 that keeps coming back to bite me. I am mid 30s but was first very noticeably affected by anxiety at age 13, it had a profound affect on my life and education but it was not recognised and diagnosed (despite much medical involvement) until I changed GP surgery at 18 when I was finally given a diagnosis of anxiety and bulimia and prescribed propanolol and prozac and received support for these issues and self harm . Tbh the bulimia and self harm were a damn sight easier to kick than the anxiety! From the age of approx 19- 28 anxiety was in and out of my life depending on circumstances but wasn't a major feature the vast majority of the time. At 28 I had my first baby and developed horrendous PND and anxiety that once again had a very significant affect on my quality of life and happiness. It took a good 2 years before I even began to feel better and then 1 day I felt a wee bit better and very, very slowly got better from there. It was a long, slow, lonley process and I eventually sought the support of a councellor who I was lucky to click with and worked my backside off to "recover". I have done so much work and achieved so much, got over the social anxiety that crippled me during my PND (once had to leave a supermarket because I met my next door neighbour 3 times and couldn't cope). My self esteem has never been better and I have achieved soooo much in my career and now have the job of my dreams that only 2 years ago I would have laughed, cried and felt utter despair if anyone had suggested that I would ever have this job. I made friends which seemed to be an insurmountable challenge and I was truly, truly happy in a way that I probably never have been before. Life wasn't perfect, just normal ups and downs, the good, the bad, the great and the not so great! But overall I was happy and anxiety was not a big feature. A couple of weeks ago I hit a really difficult period and now once more I am back on propanolol, I have an appointment coming up with same councellor (have seen a few times now over the past 4 years or so) and I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I can't cope at work, I am so bloody terrified of failing and losing every thing. Physically my anxiety has been off the scale for me and I have spent the last couple of weeks permanently with a racing heart, Churning stomach, the shakes, tingly arms, clenched teeth to the point that I have dislodged a filling and an intense feeling of dread and doom. I keep waiting to be "found out" at work, not for my anxiety but for my ineptitude, for my inability to do my job, for not having a clue what I am doing. I have never had any problems with my work, senior staff are always happy with my work, I get plenty of positive feedback. I am a wreck for absolutely no reason.
I apologise for the long post, once I started typing it just didn't stop!
Thank you for reading,
ButterflyB x