View Full Version : Health anxiety is ruining my relationship
So this post isn’t related to any health worries or health related reassurance.
Instead I just wanted to know if anyone else has the same problems.
I’ve been with my boyfriend now for, almost, 3 years. We now live together and have been doing for a little over a year now. This is my first serious relationship since developing health anxiety 6 years ago and I am really really struggling.
I love him very much but recently I have felt more and more isolated and can see the toll my health anxiety is taking on our relationship.
Unfortunately we had very different upbringings and mothers who have extreme opposite ways of dealing with things.
My mum is very much the cuddle you, wrap you up in cotton wool and make everything better with some comforting words and lots of reassurance type whereas his mum is very much ‘shut up get on with it - complaining is a weakness’ type.
He has his moments where he is sympathetic and understanding but, generally, he has very little patience or empathy or any form of understanding of what I actually go through – this is a man who says asthma is ‘nothing’ despite me pointing out several times that people die daily of asthma.
So anyway, my constant trips to the doctors, hospital visits, tests, constantly complaining that something isn’t right has forced a giant wedge between us. He is sick of it all and I can understand, would I be happy being with me all the time?
No is the answer. It's not very attractive or reassuring to have a girlfriend who ALWAYS has something wrong with her.
Would I stick by him and try to help if it were the other way round? Of course. But everyone has their limits and I have much more patience and compassion than him. He was simply not raised with either of this qualities.
I don’t want someone to feel obliged to stay with me out of fear of being seen as the monster who broke up with the crazy girl, which is how I believe he feels. I can’t talk openly about this with him because he is not the type to have this kind of conversation with anyone.
So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
His lack of empathy is sometimes really good for me. He pushes me out of my comfort zone and makes me snap out of my anxiety and negative ‘funks’ a lot of the time which no one else has ever been able to do.
But on the flip side, I am going to have this 'condition' for the rest of my life, good or bad and maybe I shouldn’t force that on anyone and just be by myself
Hi Andromeda,
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time in your relationship. As a fellow health anxiety suffer and someone who has had countless problems/hospital trips/a&e scares/days when I literally can't get out of bed, I know how important the support from my partner is and how much I need it when I'm at my worst times.
It sounds like you are feeling a little guilty for being the way you are. I think that it is really important to remember that this condition is an illness, it might not be visible or have a particular cure, but anxiety and health anxiety are both classed as illness and are incredibly debilitating at their worst times.
I think by the sounds of things your partner is just naturally programmed to have a lower level of empathy than you have, which he probably can't do anything to change and isn't really his fault. However, as his partner he needs to realise that you need great support whilst struggling with this illness. He perhaps just needs a little more education on the condition - it might be helpful to print him off a few pages from the internet which give extensive information on anxiety/health anxiety, how it affects people, how debilitating it can be, etc. I struggled with bringing my parents to terms with my condition and did this with them, which really helped as they realised afterwards that they actually had very limited knowledge on what I was going through.
He should never practice 'tough love' with this condition, as you said he sometimes forces you to snap out of it and get on with things, that's a very counter-productive attitude as in turn it is not a good way of showing you support. He should allow you to have these 'funny turns' and try to support you as best he can when they arise, instead of forcing you to get over it and carry on , as we all know too well that that can never happen!
Finally, try to get him involved in as much as you can, take him to doctors appointments, ask him to sit in on a counselling session (if you ever have any) and just generally try to help him see a full insight of your suffering, and this might help him to realise that anxiety is a very serious condition which can affect someone's life very badly.
I hope things start to improve, best of luck x
Hi White
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me and thank you for your suggestions. I don't think the education tactic will work as he is very disinterested and stubborn (i'm not painting a great picture here!) and will turn his nose up at the very idea.
His family are very anti-mental health. To them, i am an attention seeking drama queen and need to 'get on with it'. I think this is partly my own fault for vocalising my ever expanding list of ailments too often. And laughing off their ignorant and downright rude opinions instead of standing up for myself.
I'm doing myself, and my fellow sufferers an injustice by reacting that way but unfortunately i am ashamed of my anxiety and i do feel incredibly guilty about the way it affects me but mainly those around me.
I can't stand up for myself and educate my partner when part of me also believes the things he says.
And now I've just confused myself even more because i don't know whether he is being unreasonable for not supporting me or if i'm being unreasonable for expecting him to accept my problem.
Lifelonganxiety!
28-09-15, 16:59
Hey Andromeda,
Unfortunately I go through something similar with my wife. She doesn't understand the condition at all, and also tells me to snap out of it and that nothing is wrong with me.
Technically, she's right - there's nothing wrong with me except the anxiety but she doesn't understand it at all. It's to the point that if I have concerns I can't mention them because it will set her off. I've gone to a Dr. appointment without telling her.
It's a real shame, but that's why I come here I think - to have a supporting community and to not have to bother my wife with it. It's a shame she doesn't understand, as it is with your boyfriend, but they'll never change.
Hey Andromeda,
Unfortunately I go through something similar with my wife. She doesn't understand the condition at all, and also tells me to snap out of it and that nothing is wrong with me.
Technically, she's right - there's nothing wrong with me except the anxiety but she doesn't understand it at all. It's to the point that if I have concerns I can't mention them because it will set her off. I've gone to a Dr. appointment without telling her.
It's a real shame, but that's why I come here I think - to have a supporting community and to not have to bother my wife with it. It's a shame she doesn't understand, as it is with your boyfriend, but they'll never change.
So it's put up with it like you have a lead a secret double life (I don't tell him about appointments anymore either!) or find someone else...
I know that he will never change. So maybe I'm just flogging a dead horse
I don't suffer from anxiety.
I can give you a perspective from one who lived with a partner with mental illness. My first wife (which tells you how it worked out), suffered from depression which manifested itself into hoarding (yes, like the show).
Shortly after our daughter was born, she began to suffer. It continued to worsen and the hoarding started. For me, to see the woman I loved turning into someone I didn't know was totally heartbreaking. For years I tried to help but to no avail. It's a very helpless feeling knowing there's nothing you can do to help. It's akin to watching someone you love die above ground.
We finally did go to counseling but it was too late. We went together a few times and then the counselor wanted to see us separately. She stopped going after a couple of sessions. By giving up on herself, she was giving up on me and "us". I left shortly after. Fortunately, she finally did go back to counseling and got herself back on the right track but it was many years later.
Fortunately, my son has fared quite well. My daughter on the other hand suffers from depression and anxiety (environmental and hereditary I believe) but with therapy and meds is doing great.
If I were to offer any advice it would be to work on yourself. If your bf sees you're making the effort, hopefully it will mean something to him. For me, if it meant going to the therapy sessions to learn and help, I would have gone and in fact I would have done anything to help if I could but like I said, her not willing to help herself showed me she had given up and I wasn't going to stick around and watch. The desire to heal must come from within.
Positive thoughts
Lifelonganxiety!
28-09-15, 17:42
I completely agree with Fishmanpa - while they may not be totally understanding, just giving up on them is like giving up on yourself.
Sometimes my wife's "there's nothing wrong with you" talks are all I need to get myself straight and I'm doing a lot better. Take care of yourself, and everything else will improve!
My partner is the same, he frustrates me so much but I also envy his carefree attitude. Opposites work, imagine being in a relationship with someone with similar issues! The best thing you can do is help yourself through this and accept any support you have access too.
Good luck, x
countrygirl
28-09-15, 22:23
Have been married for 35 years to someone who never worries about health!
He has had meltdowns with me about my health anxiety because he does not understand it and as we all know no one can make us better and that is very frustrating to the other person who loves us and wants to help us.
If Drs get frustrated with us imagine how hard it is for our other halves.
We have come to an understanding, he asked me not to constantly go on and on about my ailments as this is what he finds the hardest to bear but he is happy to have one discussion to formulate a plan if there is something worrying me.
Can you use this forum if you feel the need to go on about symptoms or need reassurance. I don't think taking him to your Drs appt will help as he probably thinks you don't need to be there in the first place.
If I were to offer any advice it would be to work on yourself. If your bf sees you're making the effort, hopefully it will mean something to him. For me, if it meant going to the therapy sessions to learn and help, I would have gone and in fact I would have done anything to help if I could but like I said, her not willing to help herself showed me she had given up and I wasn't going to stick around and watch. The desire to heal must come from within.
Positive thoughts
Thank you for your thoughts.
I do continually work on myself and make lots of effort to improve things but i also know that no one can ever cure me from my obsessive thoughts and there will always be times when it's good and there will always be times when it's really, really awful. But it's about how i manage those terrible times (i am very self aware of my anxiety condition but that's not always useful when you can't get a grip)
I do try my very best each and every day but because he does not understand or WANT to understand what i go through it is very difficult for him to see that i am indeed making effort.
It's like the elephant in the room that he refuses to acknowledge because it would be an acknowledgement of my failings and abnormality. All of which he has been taught to see as weakness.
I suppose the fact that i can't sit down and talk with my partner about my problems speaks volumes.
---------- Post added at 12:03 ---------- Previous post was at 12:00 ----------
My partner is the same, he frustrates me so much but I also envy his carefree attitude. Opposites work, imagine being in a relationship with someone with similar issues! The best thing you can do is help yourself through this and accept any support you have access too.
Good luck, x
Thank you, i do agree i'm very envious of his no nonsense not a care in the world attitude but like you say you can't have two of the same or else it wouldn't work. I do enough worrying to cover the both of us and then some...
Have been married for 35 years to someone who never worries about health!
He has had meltdowns with me about my health anxiety because he does not understand it and as we all know no one can make us better and that is very frustrating to the other person who loves us and wants to help us.
If Drs get frustrated with us imagine how hard it is for our other halves.
We have come to an understanding, he asked me not to constantly go on and on about my ailments as this is what he finds the hardest to bear but he is happy to have one discussion to formulate a plan if there is something worrying me.
Can you use this forum if you feel the need to go on about symptoms or need reassurance. I don't think taking him to your Drs appt will help as he probably thinks you don't need to be there in the first place.
I do use this forum when i'm absolutely desperate but it's not enough sometimes.
My mum is amazing and my crutch in my hours of need but i can't keep relying on her to be my rock - my partner should be that? X
Anxiety is very difficult for some people to understand hun, try to look at it differently, do you fully understand alcoholism, many people think that alcoholics can and should just stop drinking, problem solved (if only it was that easy). He's aware of your issues, he may never understand them, but he's still there. Have a think about what you really want from him, sometimes what we think we want, and what we really need are two different things. My partner could reassure me until he's blue in the face, but I'd never believe him. However, he can cuddle and hold me to help calm me down, try to distract me or just physically knowing he's in the house can all help me.
Xx
TheHusband
29-11-15, 10:53
Some anxiety advice I have read, says that it is best to learn how to cope without asking another person about your symptoms. I think that is a goal to work towards; people probably can't manage that at the start.
It is OK that you value the support of your mum. Mums are not boyfriends! We'd never expect them to play the same role. Yes, they both care for you, but it is within a totally different context and very different history. What wife ever grows up so much she enjoys spending all the time with her husband, and never goes home to mum for a dose of what feels right/nice?!
3 years is probably a 'short' time when we consider coping with an anxiety condition within a relationship. If the condition had burst out after 10 years of togetherness, it would be obvious to suggest a couple stick with it. Sadly, many (non-anxious) people would see 3 years as a point that could go either way. I'm just trying to see things from a cold-hearted male point of view.
Has your boyfriend seen evidence, from a doctor, that you officially suffer from a condition that the NHS recognises as real? Does he recall how doctors are demanding that people don't bother then with coughs and colds, these days. And yet, your condition is treated with respect and a serious talk about long-term medication.
If you are not on medication (Citalopram or similar), please give it a serious investigation. It will give you the power to cope a whole lot more, and might be the thing which saves the relationship too. Find the right female doctor to discuss it with; some women (and most men) simply can't empathise with you in the right way.
Demonstrating that you are dealing with your condition, aiming towards a future goal of coping with it, will make a partner re-asses what they see as the pros and cons of staying/ending the relationship.
I just had to revive this thread I started in September because I'm going through a really rough patch at the minute and I feel like we're at breaking point.
My health anxiety is at an all time high. I've not suffered this badly with obsessive thoughts for a while.
I was feeling my neck in the kitchen when my partner walked in and all hell broke loose.
He called me a 'cripple' and an 'invalid' and told me he'd had enough.
I don't blame him. I fear that I should and will be alone for the rest of my life because it's impossible to live with.
I've been for therapy, I've tried medication and I understand that I'm going to have anxiety for the rest of my life and there are going to be good times and there are going to be bad times.
It is unrealistic to expect another human being to WANT to be with someone like me and it's selfish of me to carry on leading this secret anxious life behind his back. Its depriving us both of happiness. Something I feel like I cannot have whilst I live with these thoughts.
It's tearing me apart that I can't talk to him about my worries and fears. He doesn't understand my daily mental struggle and he never will understand.
I feel so guilty and embarrassed and just deeply emotional over my anxiety and sometimes I just wish it would all just go away
Just wanted to send you a virtual hug :hugs:
I'm on my 3rd major obsession over my health in recent and my husband finds it hard when I get like this. He tried his best to support me through my crying (I'm in a depression this time as well) but he is very much from a family who expects others to just "get on with it" when ill.. (although his mum slipped down a few stairs 3 weeks ago and hasn't stopped banging on about how much it hurt). He doesn't understand my "doom and gloom". I just can't explain it to him.
I know you've all heard this before, but if we had a broken leg, or a broken arm, people would be much more understanding of how much we are suffering. The truth is, unless you have experienced HA, you have no understanding of the sheer magnitude of upheaval it can cause in life.
I love my husband very much, he is affectionate and supportive, up to a point. He cannot understand the HA grip of fear. He alternates between being supportive and after being pestered a lot by me he becomes dismissive, impatient and irritable. He told me that after being together for 30 years, he is worn down with it, he loves me and just wants me to be 'better', that he hates to see me suffering.
So, I use him for support, up to a point. I also see a counsellor once a month and use this forum when my HA is particularly bad. I don't feel alone here, I feel supported and connected. I also tell some friends about my anxiety problems. I don't really 'bother the doctor' - as he just wants to give me pills for it and would happily run test after test. That's not the solution for me, it makes me more anxious to wait on tests when I have no symptoms other than those I know are caused by stress and panic. Keeping healthy and looking after myself helps too. When there are symptoms, I go to the doctor. No symptoms, but still worrying....I up the self care and use this site more. I try to reduce my body checking behaviours (I set alarms on my phone to check just once a week, sometimes it works, sometimes not).
Most partners try to help but are helpless. It's not personal. If a partner really is unsympathetic and uncaring, I'd move on.
Cerridwen
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.