Anxious Husband and Abandonment Fear

[BeckyJones15]

Hi guys and girls. my husband suffers severe anxiety at times. It means often walking on egg shells. I try to be supportive when he is struggling and allow him space and time to nap which he does most days and this seems to de stress him. The issue that I am struggling with is that anytime I need to discuss something concerning my own needs it seems to end in an argument where by I end up crying and he gives me the silent treatment. He tells me that he can't deal with my needs as it is too much for him when he is already under so much pressure. When I say my needs it usually means him spending some time with me rather than on the PlayStation or out sailing all the time. We don't go out ever as he can't handle crowds or other people's company much. So often I spend time by myself. Recently we got married. We didn't have a honeymoon as he hates travelling and costs were a factor. I wanted to spend a day together instead but he wanted to go sailing. It was the only day I had free but he had a whole week free to sail. It ended up in him telling me he can't handle the pressure of a relationship and that he needs to move out. We had been married only four days. I was devastated when he left. He came home 5 hours later but told me he was leaving for good in the morning. I spent the whole night swinging between crying and begging him to think about our good times and reconsider. But he was adamant that it was over. He fell asleep and I spent the whole night in what can only be described as shock. In the morning he told me he was not leaving and that I should just learn to love him. It has been a few days and things have gone back to normal. But as per usual I am not allowed to mention the episode again. But since that night I have had trouble moving on terrified that now if I ask anything of him he will leave. I feel like I am the one slowly ending up with anxiety. Any help.

[Oosh]

I think it sounds like he is having everything his own way and maybe wants a mum not a wife.

Ive learned to never allow myself to be shaped because of how much grief ill get from any individual. It was due to me observing my mums relationship with my dad. I wont not do or say anything to avoid a person moaning or getting annoyed if i feel im right. I think you are in the right and you should say what you want to say, every time and stand by it. Put your self respect first, demand healthy standards of behaviour from other people and if he wants to leave, show him where the door is. Whats the point of a partner who doesnt appear to know you exist.

Its only really worth trying to keep a partner who treats you equally. Its no fun living in a relationship where the other person has all the control. It ultimately wont lead to anything positive and is best fixed at the start. And the only way to really get that partner you want is to demand it, regardless of their strops or threats.

Doesnt sound like its an anxiety issue. He can be avoidant etc but still in the privacy of your relationship recognise you are a person too.

(in my opinion :D )

[vicky23]

This is a really difficult situation I'm sorry you're going through this.
While anxiety is a very hard thing to go through like Oosh says this does not give one license to be consistently selfish. You are doing your best to support him by giving him space for which I think you deserve gratitude and love.

Perhaps a solution to your abandonment issues would be to work through your thoughts and try to come to a place where you accept that you could cope being on your own. This isn't saying that you don't want or need your husband it's just accepting that you can't be responsible for his decisions. If the worst did happen and he left you, it would be heartbreaking, but you would survive.
Is couples therapy an option? If he wouldn't go for that I'd still say get some yourself if you can afford to because it's important you have the tools to look after yourself and have your needs met.
I hope it gets better
X

[Fishmanpa]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Frankly you shouldn't be. From your side of the story, aside from his anxiety issues, he sounds incredibly immature, selfish and manipulative.

Question" What is "back to normal"?

Positive thoughts

[BeckyJones15]

Thank you for your support and responses everyone. He has agreed to come along to couples therapy which I think will do us both the world of good. As for back to normal that pretty much means him doing what he likes and me not asking anything of him. Things seem to run smoother when it's like that. We did talk about his threat to leave and he did apologise but felt it was still justified. I guess the therapy might help him finally see that I too have feelings. For now I agree with Vicki. I need to get myself to a point where I have accepted that he might leave and am at peace with that.