My illness is becoming to much to deal with [Archive]

View Full Version : My illness is becoming to much to deal with

Ollie28

04-10-15, 19:39

Hello all,

Over the last could of weeks my illness has become so severe I can not in any way cope with it, nothing seems to work no more, I'm in terrible terrible terrible pains, my cognition is completely messed up to the point I can not process anything automatic and most of all I'm having intense feelings of going crayzy.

A lot of it I feel is coming from my cognition something is going on in my head one minute I can feel ok rational ideas litrally 2 minutes later my cognition is minimal and I'm everywhere feeling like I'm losing my mind it's so so intense I had to hold on to my wife before and cry I felt like jumping up and going crazy it's horrible what are these episodes!!?? I know it's happening to me so I know I haven't lost my mind but there so bad I can not deal with this shit no more.

Last time I was on i was waiting to see a neurologist well I've been refered back to Walton center because my local mental health team are not convinced I'm suffering mental health as I suffer a lot of head pains and nerve and spine pain, I'm open to anything I just want fixed now today has been hell for me.

I was given a diazepam by my wife now they help me to think a bit more rational it's like they open up my mind make me feel more normal if only a little abs when they start to wear off my mind shuts down again I lose a lot of cognition lose rationslising and processing power and feel like I'm going crazy again - to the point I feel like I'm processing with minimal brain capacity it hurts to think and i have no ideas or feelings just shut down even my breathing slows.

It's as if my brain ignites I feel and able to think rational and intelligent and feel but then shuts down and my whole perception and body goes with it.

Pain pain pain - frustration, crying, more pain, no life - feel like giving in lying in a bed abs doing nothing just like my brain and body feel like it wants to do. Anything other than nothing hurts mentally and physically - everything I do see think feel feels like it's not being processed by my brain. Feels like my subconscious mind isn't processing or working and it's switched off.

Lost it today went crazy out of pure frustration I don't want to be like this no more.

---------- Post added at 19:39 ---------- Previous post was at 19:25 ----------

Fed up of my cognition being so so bad! - I can't process or be aware of anything, I'm stuck feeling like a retard!

I looked in the mirror before noticed how much weight I've put on because I can't excercise it creates bad head pain, dizziness and breathing problems so I said that's it I'm not eating no more bad food - but that self awareness I can't remember or use its frustrating me its like I can't remember to remember - I've been a evertonian all my life followed them every week with season tickets, just naturally aware your team is playing weekend that type of thing - not no more like telling myself I'm not eating I "forget" like it dosnt exist!
How do I forget litrally in minutes like I've no awareness that my team are playing one of the biggest games of the season? I sat down to watch it prompted by my wife litrally forgot then 2 minutes later forgot or wasn't aware again why I was sat there and got up to go outside my wife asked I thought yo was watching the football I had no awareness - I'm stuck feeling like this please someone help me. I feel brain dead litrally. Please anyone give me some advice.

Fishmanpa

04-10-15, 21:15

Just an observation...

For someone who says their cognitive skills are so messed up you can barely function, your posts are incredibly lucid and clear.

Positive thoughts

pulisa

05-10-15, 08:29

I was going to say that as well but feared I would be shot down in flames..

Ollie, your fear and desperation may just be firing up your symptoms? Have you had an extensive neurological assessment to rule out anything more sinister? You were researching another condition to do with blood flow to the brain a while back-has your Consultant done any tests to formally diagnose this?

Ollie28

05-10-15, 15:24

I understand how it looks I'm able to right this it that yesterday but it took all my brain power to type it - it's hard to explain. It hurt to type this yesterday become confused when typing where I was up to and kept having to re read over because I couldn't remember what I was trying to say/type

Yer regarding the other side of it I've been refered to Walton neurological centre to meet with a bloke to do some neurological cognition tests and a few other bits. I've been much better today which is good because after yesterday I couldn't deal with another painful day like that. About 12.30 I started to shut down again I went outside to have a go on my punch bag I could only do roughly 2 minutes I put me in bad breathing problems and nerve pain & head pain started, started going dizzy and then lost my cognition, wife had to walk me back in the house to the sofa where I lay for about 30 minutes before the pains eased a little but my vision and head pain cognitive (memory, awareness and processing) didn't come back to how it felt.

Not sure what's going on tbh anymore - again I spoke to or my wife did spoke to outer local mental Heath team last Friday they are confused as of what to do for me. The two people I seen are wanting me to go full investigations before they put me back in a room with a psychologist so there speaking with my GP to arrange further tests. Erm I'm not sure what to do I'm just living the best I can with what I have.

Reading a lot, relaxing when I'm able, getting involved with my kids abs friends when I remember too, reading a lot about the Limbic system, dissociation, EMDR, the nervous system, neuroplasticity and just got a lovely 600 page neuroscience book - so when I "remember" I can read this material I will.

Funny when my brain/cognition shuts Down I go physically weak my legs go numb my speech goes impaired, I struggle to lift much which I find hard to accept as I've carried stone fireplaces all my life on my own so I know what I can lift.i go ice cold but clammy and disorientated kind of feels and sounds like I'm underwater trying to function. Strange and scary

Just find it mad how one minute I feel "normal" no pain, cognitive or perception problems then without any trigger or thinking pattern I become in pain then my body goes in to some sort of state of stomach pain, nerve pains, head pain, altered perception and thinking/processing problems to the point my cognition feels like it's being pushed inwards I can't open up or feel outwards and I lose all or most of my rationality - noise physically hurts, trying to
Think physically hurts so if I'm asked a question say by my 8 year old trying to listen and concentrate is hard and then trying to find a answer or the thinking process of trying to find the answer hurts. I can be like this feels like my minds shut down and I'm havin to think on manual in pain and all of a sudden I can open up my mind and body open up I feel mentally and physically strong and my awarness and cognition is fine it's all there to access without having to proper think hard, the sensations I feel it's if my mind is ignited and switched back on - yep il yawn like I'm coming out a coma -

Seen a Dr that specialises in stroke and stroke medication last week too he's running a few tests but we know it's not a stroke, I knew that I know it's not a tumour either I've not once thought this I've always thought blood circulation or electrical sort of misfire related, something of this nature.

See writing all this no problem no pain no awarness problems no dizzyness or confusion because at the moment my brain feel alive - I feel open aware intelligent and awake - if I was to go back outside now do some cardio boom pains breathing problems kick it all off or eating scared to eat. I know the Limbic part of the brain controls a lot of the bodies responses along with sesnative Vegal responses it could be that my nervous system is super sensitive especially the Vegas nerve this is why eating can trigger of my symptoms from Vegal activity.
Feeling great today anyways gona continue my neuroplasticity with my Limbic system until I meet with this other neurologist at Walton - he apparently one of the best in the world at what he does according to the DR I seen last week in wiston.

Pepperpot

05-10-15, 17:13

I dunno what to say to you cos your illness is a mystery to me - but I really hope they find out what is wrong with you so you can get it sorted x

pulisa

05-10-15, 17:25

Ollie, I don't think you should read all these neuroscience tomes as they are scaring you and giving you all sorts of ideas as to what you think your diagnosis is. Do you trust your neurologist? If he is one of the top men in his field then I think you should let him assess you and make his judgement-if you read up on all these neurological conditions then you are just going to question his diagnosis and the doubts will come flooding in.

Rennie1989

05-10-15, 19:05

You're concerned that your cognitive function is slow. Can I add that anxiety can affect your ability to concentrate? It's very normal.

Ollie28

05-10-15, 19:32

I don't know who to believe or what to do no more - I've been 98% all afternoon I've even wired a ceiling light up had the intelligence to do it, had the intelligence to feel, think, process and felt great - no pain just swetting a hell of a lot to the point I was drenched! Now I know I'm unfit due to my illness holding me down, I had bad weakness too in my muscles my arms were very very weak when trying to hold the light up but I did it! I did it and it didn't create any cognitive pains or problems - I went outside and couod see people driving he from work and I could feel the feeling the idea the thought and emotion attached to it of working and driving home and I actually said to my wife I feel like I could go to work feeling like this but I know my body will not stay feeling like this - in fact I've just been trying to watch a video on YouTube and just that concentration makes me start to zone out inwards head pains and my cognition shuts down. Body follows its mad!!! Not sure if these are chronic migranes but it's always like this as soon as I start processing from a strong cognitive feeling my brain shuts down, or if I eat or even drink.
It's mad - I get some horrible sensations in my head feels like someone is pulling on my head or pushing my head, or I've got a stake stuck through the top right down through the core in to where my spine connects to my brain it's horrible. It's the shutting down i can't cope with I lose all or 90% of my mind and feel like I'm going inwards and insane.

I'm not sure how long i can deal with this I've been like this 2 years nearly 24/7 in them 2 years I've had 3-4 episodes of my brain suddenly clicking back to normal, I've had sudden moments of my brain slowly opening up like it's slowly gaining power and I feel great all round, but these don't last long.

Ild like scans on my stomach and lungs really to rule out anything - see I'm in the middle I get told it's mental health basically because no test has shown anything other than 0% vitD but when me and my wife sit down with mental health and explain what happened the week before it happeded and then the night it happens and the things I'm experiencing they are saying its neurological so I seen a neurologist he said it is neurological dissociation its chemical related but he can't treat it !! Not good enough in not living with that - then I'm seeing a psychiatrist/neurologist that says its psychological it's blood flow related, ok good, but then he can't treat me because he is too busy on the NHS so has told me about EMDR, psychomotor therapy - so I seen a psychologist infact 3 that all said it's not psychological it seems physical - but obviously my psychiatrists over rules but the mental health support team have taken over and are now saying they need a full neurological and physical assenments before they will accept it is psychological in origin. But I'm already waiting on the appointment back to Walton from a previou time. I just want treatment be it neurological, psychological, both or physiological I just want to feel like I have all afternoon today.
Ild love also to investigate some diabetic tests as a lot of my symtoms resemble hypoglycaemia only everytime I ask or think to ask I forget. It's as if I've no awarness or can't access the back of my head because all my cognition is being pushed or forced to the front and if I try to remember or access memories it hurts as I'm trying to manually access the back of my brain instead of just being open and aware and naturally able to process thoughts, memories, ideas, feelings, emotions,

Found last week that lying on my back on my bed with my legs up against the wall vertical moving my feel relieve pain in my head as if the blood flow is changing allowing me to access the back of my mind to think better and easyer along with feelings - now figure that out....lol!

Only me can become ill with a illness no one is sure how to fix.

I often think fibromyalgia or Cfs but my body dosnt hurt or ach, I'm as puzzled as everyone else only I have to live in my body. I can deal with pain it's my cognition I want back I want to be able to get up and be able to think clear be aware and feel intelligent again and most of all go back to work and feel proud.

MyNameIsTerry

06-10-15, 09:28

I think this has come across in most if not all of your posts, Ollie. From our point of view, we see someone writing long posts that require a certain level of concentration and we would be expecting less coherent stuff. But havcing said that, we don't know whether you are having a clearer period or spending hours writing a post so it's hard to know.

There is nothing wrong with learning about a condition and neuroplasticity is important to anxiety so it's worth a read but I wouldn't be buying anything, just reading about it online and the studies that are relevant. Going into neuroscience is a big subject though and a lot of it is likely to be irrevelent so if you are someone who is going to read and panic about having something, it's a bad idea. If you are someone who doesn't get anxious reading such things or obsess over them then there is nothing wrong with learning, but make sure you are someone in this camp. I'm in that latter camp and did this to understand OCD in order to work through it. So, I can understand why people do it and in your case it's a search to understand what is causing this as everyone is telling you it's not anxiety. Sadly, some people end up doing this because they don't get the answers from the doctors and have to push to get a diagnosis. It's not for everyone though, some people prefer to work on the problem, some people like to research, it can be a personality type here.

I think something you could do that would help would be to write down your symptoms in a way that will help your neurologist understand them. Something quite specific and to the point. Maybe just leaving out any assumption or opinion and writing it clinically?

It's interesting though that you have been referred back and that the experts don't believe this to be a mental health disorder. The head crushing thing has always seemed something else but with you getting dissociative disorders in there I think it muddies the waters for people to try to understand what it could be.

I hope you get somewhere with this appointment.

Ollie28

08-10-15, 19:53

Hello,

It's hard to explain the writing and typing awareness and intelligence - obviously I know I'm coming on here and typing this but as im typing I'm not aware of how long or my awareness and memory is that poor I get lost in what I'm trying to explain. All my posts have been long I notice - this is because I'm not aware of or feel the satisfaction of I've made my point so I keep going on - I do struggle it has taken me over a hour sometimes to post. This is because the longer I focus the worst my cognition becomes the wors my awareness becomes it feels as if my minds going inwards it hurts too so as I focus on this all the front of my mind tenses up I zone out as I concentrate inwards on this. Pains start, I stop breathing too.
This is the same as if I was to concentrate on anything at all where my mind has to focus -

I can feel 90% go out with my wife as soon as I start processing my brain shuts down, I lose cognition my breathing changed, my intelligence or rational thinking capabilities drop it feels like all the blood rushes to the front of my head all the back of my head goes dead and painful as if the bloods drained from the part I need to use to remember, be aware, rationalise, recall, process so literally I'm stuck feeling like all I have is the part of my thinking I would use if I was to shut of from normal thinking to do a matchs sum or think concisely inwards.
Ok the longer I procees the worse the symptoms become to the point I can't breath.

Now I lose most of my cognition. I'm in shops in agony or park or where ever I am I have to sit down and breath and let my body come down regain my breathing and a little cognition but as soon as I stand up and crack on it's off again it's as if my nervous system is stuck is some super hyper aroused state or something - the slightest thing sets it off even eating.

Too much going on my mind can't cope it hurts I can't process and I go really tense and stiff I can't breath, for example I've just had some family visit that alone was enough for my nervous system to go in to over drive my cognition goes to pot I get nerve pains tight chest stiff upper body but numb lower I can't feel my stomach legs or lower parts as if all the bloods being pushed up in to my upper body - when they left I sat down on the sofa and my body slowly slowly calms the pains in my head calms my breathing slowly levels out my cognition slowly opens back out like my brains opening up but my stomach hurts I can't eat or drink I can't feel my stomach I have to wait until my body has relaxed enough to feel my lower parts. It's messed up,
The calmer I feel the more I can think but the slightest thing triggers it all off I can move off the sofa go to the kitchen and start processing then boom stomach pains ect
The longer I sit the lower my heart rate becomes the calmer my body becomes the better I feel - the more I do the worst I feel.

It's as if my body is stuck in a psychological state I don't know or do I have a nervous system illness or a blood flow problem.

Calmer and calmer to the point I can think get up and move about focus concentrate bang my brain shuts down and I get nerv pain breathing difficulty bad body pains cognitive and speech problems,

Ly on my back doing nothing helps massively to the point I've felt 90% normal a lot of the times to the point I've yawned as if my body is coming out of it calm calm not tension or pains it feels amazing my body feels soft and calm not tension or pain - but then is as if I've come out of it I'm wide aware and I crave food I get a massive appetite - it's messed up,

When I go on to long my body literally shuts down I can't go no more I go white as a ghost dizzy ice cold and sweating weak totally not with it I feel like I'm dying literally like I'm going in to a coma and have to keep myself up my wife knows when this is happening as I look ill as well as feel it she says I look pale drooped face it's horrible. But then if I sit down my body starts to calm slowly my breathing comes about I slowly regain strength the pains in the front of my head the tensesneee eases as if the blood is going back to some parts of the back of my head a little it takes about 20 mins to get out this state but I never feel 100 calm open aware normal no pains or tensesneee I get to about 60 but still the slightest thing again and off it goes. I'm stuck like this everyday.

Evening is my best part - shower nice and calm body gets in to about 80% and I'm afraid to move. Some nights I can follow a to program some nights I just do what I can.

Dissociation. I dont know what it is, is it a nervous disease or a stuck over active nervous system that need deep relaxing processing of psychological therapy or do I have a blood flow illness.

I have very high blood pressure too - went for a overnight monitor yesterday.
Just don't want to die like this.
Just carried my tool box to the shed 15 feet away I couldn't breath for about 15 minutes after it. Worried I'm going to die because of this illness. I'm trapped if I excercise it courses worst symptoms but then what about my physical health.
Sorry for the long post but does any of this add up to any illness or desase. I'm not saying it's not dissociation disorder I just need to know so I know how I go about treatment because mental health are saying its physical and physical are saying its mental - Im left to just deal with it each day trying to keep as much cognition as I can to get anything out of the day and recall it

Ollie28

09-10-15, 18:02

I know it's a long post but can anyone relate to this? It's happening to me now bad I've just been my aunts house it's so bad I had to leave I can't breath or bring my body in to calm state. I can't feely stomach I'm in bad stomach head pain and severe tension I feel like I'm being suffocated. This happens everytime I have to focus or concentrate.

Is this anxiety or have i another illness? I can't feel like this much longer everytime I try to do anything at all!!

Fishmanpa

09-10-15, 18:35

With respect Ollie,

Having read through your post history, IMO, it's quite apparent you require attention far beyond what anyone here can offer. Starting from your first post and what appears to be severe post traumatic stress brought on by infidelity in your relationship through all the posts and manifestations of symptoms since, it seems you're in a very serious and fragile physical and emotional state and it's just getting worse.

Perhaps admitting yourself to a facility that can help you by intensively diagnosing and treating your mental state and physical symptoms would be in order at this point. From what you're posting, it sounds as if you're virtually crippled by this. It would make sense to be under professional supervised care as opposed to home where nothing positive is being done to treat you.

Good luck and positive thoughts.

Crystalhiggs

09-10-15, 20:19

Ollie, I don't have any answers for you and I haven't gone through anything like this, but wanted to send you a huge hug as it sounds hellish.
I really hope you get some answers soon. It could be that one physical thing is going on but it's also caused extreme panic disorder, so for example you could have a hiatus hernia affecting your digestion and breathing (acid reflux irritating your lungs) causing chest pains and possibly pressing on your vagus nerve and all these physical symptoms have set off a series of scary reactions in the brain that are just too much to cope with. That's an example I'm not saying that's what you've got.
I'm assuming you've had blood tests, x rays etc.
Let's hope you get sone answers and treatment for this soon, it sounds just awful. X

Sunflower2

09-10-15, 22:05

I agree with Fishmanpa that you require supervised care as you've suffered for a long time now and are not getting anywhere. You have seen a number of specialists so perhaps one of them can recommend an inpatient treatment centre to run tests? It's no way to live and it is obviously very distressing for you. At least if you know what is causing your symptoms you could have a better chance at controlling or getting rid of them.

MyNameIsTerry

09-10-15, 22:40

Do we have them in the UK? Even then I would imagine you have to need to be there otherwise half the HA board would be asking for it. Not counting where the celebs & rich go.

It's frustrating that Ollie is getting passed back and forth and its like there is no primary care ownership but that's often the case with the NHS as they don't seem to work with each other very well.

Ollie - do the community mental health team believe there is an anxiety and/or dissociative disorder comorbidity? Or do they believe it to be solely an organic issue?

Sunflower2

09-10-15, 22:52

If you can access private healthcare then yes, you can get access to consultants who run a heap of tests and can keep you in the hospital while you get this done. It's just very pricey unless you have private health insurance and even then it's not cheap! You do still need a GP referral though - hence only the people the need to be treated as accepted.

MyNameIsTerry

09-10-15, 23:21

So, still a GP barrier but perhaps as long as they don't believe it could be a waste of money, they might just refer? Ollie mentioned being asked to stay during tests but it was after an emergency and he opted to come home. Looking at Bernie's partner it makes me wonder whether observing him having one of these episodes would help if they had him plugged into monitoring equipment.

Hopefully he will be a lottery winner this week and then they will be falling all over themselves to help. :winks:

Ollie28

10-10-15, 00:34

I've been to hospital mate 4 times with this illness and on all 4 occasions they have sent me home, I'm not complaining but I've asked the dr to put me in hospital and run all checks but they won't - I've had to be taken to hospital by ambulance early hours with stroke like symptoms but was again sent home just as bad as I was when I went in - the first thing the dr said to me was are you seeing anything or hearing voices I could barely talk or move but this is all I get as soon as the dr seed my label of "anxiety" despite being un diagnosed they are quick to just forget you. I actually had a Dr say that to me last week he's running a few tests and has refered me to Walton for this neurological cognitive function test.
I know I'm bad really bad infact but ive been like this for 2 years and ild rather be bad at home safe with my wife and children around me than be bad on my own in a hospital with the label of its just anxiety and left - see this is where I'm struggling. If I'm going to hospital unless under Drs orders it will be when I finally do give in and have no more fight left in me or I collapse again and they agree to keeps in because then they won't just say it's anxiety.
The mental health team have only really just started to take notice I've seen a psychiatrists for a few months who's never let me explain my symptoms or what happened to me the night it happened he just went straight in to ok it's dissociation but because no tests have shown anything and he over rules my dr everytime I go to see my GP in pain or struggling he just goes with the diagnosis of its dissociation syndrome he calls it. This psychiatrist is so stuck with his diagnosis he just won't help with anything other then I need deep therapy - ok then someone give me it! there has been no communicating between any of the people I see so I'm left to try to sort it all out myself if I'm lucky enough to remember. My wife now does all the planning and arranging I feel like screaming i get so frustrated it's like i want to but I can't process it to do it.

Il go bed now not sure how il wake up in the morning if I can do anything or I can wake up feeling 90% say il get up start figuring Out the clothes I'm going to wear simple things if I'm lucky il get past that grab a shower usually by then I'm starting to struggle my cognition Starts to shut down, il skip breakfast because I know it will trigger me off to shut down ect but then as soon as I get in the car with my wife if not already as soon as I start to process or think that's it my nervous system or brain can't deal with it everything speeds up I start to lose all cognition feel like I'm going crazy my breathing gets restricted and I litrally have to spend all day like that - the longer I concentrate the worse it all gets - if I was to suddenly get out go say ly on my bed do nothin it all calms down I can get to about 60% sometimes, it's horrible I'm not going crazy it feels like it a lot of the rim when I keep going and going it gets so intense but I know it's happening to me so it's obviously a nervous system illness or something.

I've often thought Vegus nerve illness or damage I've thought a lot of things but I'm not saying I have this its that its this I'm looking for answers, I've never ill other than a blood clot - I'm puzzled.

The only thing I can think of is and this is how sometimes my perception feels I've not been right all my life possibly DP as I was always anxious felt a bit strange at times but didn't know any different, I then had that massive emotional and traumatic event I was on fight mode for along time and full of anger and emotion I went the gym boxing tooooo much just because i was so angry but then after it all calmed down as my body started to calm my body tried to go back in to this DP state and that's when I noticed, psychologically I often feel like my old self was someone else I can't get back to my old self or life it's a scary feeling - a bit like in that film interstellar at the end when he's trying to get to his daughter that's how I feel with my family I can't get back in to my family as if psychologically my body and mind have moved on or stuck on a high mode so I can't feel like I have all my life as its altered my perception.

If it's PTSD & dissociation then I just want the help, if it's a nervous system problem like a damaged or trapped nerve I just want it sorting,

I'm having to miss my little sisters wedding in Cyprus this weekend because of my illness it's really killing me emotionally, physically and mentally, becoming severely depressed because of how I feel abs the things i experience and the fact I'm gaining weight but can't exvercise when I've been fit all my life - I went outside before to try to kick the ball back and too to my little boy now 3 and I become dizzy nearly falling I couldn't not co ordinate my feet or run with the ball I was nearly falling over - just 2 - 5 minutes of trying I was struggling to breath and my upper body goes super super stiff I can't feel my lower are feel my stomach.

My body is a complete mess I'm fighting my own body to try to feel normal but it just goes in to automatic over drive I can't control it other than lying down not moving and being calm still breathing deep to catch my breathing up then my body will calm calm calm tension slowly eases my cognition slowly returnes a little, as soon as I move boom it's off again - problem maybe with my central nervous system and parasympathetic - sympathetic systems?
How would this be able to be checked? Mri or is there other ways of checking the nervous system?

Long post again I'm sorry. Part of my illness possibly hyperaroused system I can't stop.

---------- Post added at 00:34 ---------- Previous post was at 00:19 ----------

There is a trauma place in London khiron house - Ownd by Benjamin fry, I've read his book seems pretty similar to me. my wife has spoke with him through email, his service is not available on the NHS you have to be put forward by your to a board of others with a load of other illness and then they decide who gets the funding. If I had the money I would of gone private all the way no messing around I just haven't got it.

Khiron house is a trauma unit they use therapy like Peter Levine and pat Ogden, Psychomotor therapy and EMDR.

I have a video on my phone of me suffering one of my attacks if I could post it up I would I'm open to any help.

Fishmanpa

10-10-15, 00:36

I've been to hospital mate 4 times with this illness and on all 4 occasions they have sent me home, I'm not complaining but I've asked the dr to put me in hospital and run all checks but they won't -

In a previous post you stated that they wanted to keep you in the hospital to run further tests but you refused and went home. So...??

Ollie, truly, it's very concerning reading your posts. Your last post is all over the place and shows just how serious the situation is. As per your posts, it's so bad that you've attempted to take your own life! This isn't something to mess around with! You have children. God forbid you have an episode and they see their father do something that will traumatize them for life.

Please, for the sake of your children and yourself, look into in house care to straighten things out. Money is no object when it comes to your life. What's the worse that can happen? Bankruptcy? Been there done that... I may have shit credit but I'm alive!

Good luck and positive thoughts

Ollie28

10-10-15, 01:11

Fishmanpa

10-10-15, 01:15

Please take what I advised to heart.

Positive thoughts

Ollie28

10-10-15, 01:24

Sometimes it's feels like I done so much inwards thinking for so long I've changed my mind to be stuck like this inwards all the blood and power goes to the front of my head all the back becomes dead so I lose awareness and can't access memories thoughts feelings ect I have to ly on my back let my head calm let the blood fall back in to the back of my head - and it does work! It's strange. Not even sure if this is possible but it's how it feels my brains changed. Everything I do feel think is with my frontal lobes all the back of my head is dead the longer i concentrate then my shoulders tense up then all my back and chest then I can't breath then litrally all the bottom half of my body is numb....

If I ly down calm down no thining or concentrating it all calms - to about 40% - if I ly on my back head flat let go of the tension it hurts for a bit but then as the blood apps back the pain eases then I open up feel 70 - 90% it's mad! Blood flow It has to be. Psychological blood flow??

---------- Post added at 01:24 ---------- Previous post was at 01:23 ----------

Thank you pal - i appreciate your concern and time

MyNameIsTerry

10-10-15, 05:23

Sorry yes there was that occasion about 3 weeks ago. I didnt want to stay in that night I was petrified I just wanted to be at home with my wife I honestly through I was gona die tbh I didn't want to be in a hospital I knew I couldn't relax plus it was only to
Keep a eye on me over night no testing or anything so chances are they would of sent me hold the next day.

We know because you explained this last time when it was asked. Given they have discharged you 3 previous times, it has been ongoing for 2 years and numerous doctors visits plus psychological assessments then I don’t see why this is a problem and it’s more likely it was a doctor being cautious. The tests could have been ran at any point throughout those 2 years and you’ve been pushing for help. So, if there was a danger, they were happy to expose you to it all that time which suggests this was going to be routine. That’s how I see it as there is lots of medical contact and only one occasion of this and not by a specialist but a guy asking all the questions about seeing/hearing things and not paying any attention to your actual symptoms.

I know I'm bad really bad infact but ive been like this for 2 years and ild rather be bad at home safe with my wife and children around me than be bad on my own in a hospital with the label of its just anxiety and left - see this is where I'm struggling. If I'm going to hospital unless under Drs orders it will be when I finally do give in and have no more fight left in me or I collapse again and they agree to keeps in because then they won't just say it's anxiety.

I'm happy to do that but just signing myself in with no gutentee il get treatment or they will help me because it's me that's took myself there then I won't.

What I meant was for you to be in hospital whilst being observed and then discharged, unless immediate medical treatment is needed. Lets face it, in the UK unless you are at immediate risk of self harm or harming others – you will remain an outpatient. Even if you are sectioned, whether voluntarily or compulsory, they won’t keep you in longer than is needed to lower your risk level and then you become an outpatient again which several people on here alone have been through. Beds for these places have been getting cut back into Labour’s days.

If you want to go in, you have to pay or be a voluntary sectioning case otherwise it’s the standard NHS route.

The only thing I can think of is and this is how sometimes my perception feels I've not been right all my life possibly DP as I was always anxious

I think it’s unlikely and more likely the event itself unless you can remember all the way back to birth. Even inherited anxiety/depression genes need an activation as they lie dormant according epigenetics. So, it would be plausible to say a big event could have done that but it could also be a long running anxiety disorder getting out of control with this event or perhaps just someone who was naturally more nervous. To always be this way you would be looking at some form of disability from birth and you would know if this was the case, your parents and doctors would have found it.

I actually had a Dr say that to me last week he's running a few tests and has refered me to Walton for this neurological cognitive function test.

So, right now it’s a waiting game. See what comes of this.

If I had the money I would of gone private all the way no messing around I just haven't got it.

This is the reality of many of us. I wouldn’t touch the NHS for mental health issues if I could afford it. We are at the mercy of a broken under funded & under resourced system. It’s just numbers & cases, not human beings to many in this system. If you can’t afford private, you are part of the majority in the UK. Popping in & out of The Priory whenever you want is the research of the rich & famous, not people on here. Before you get yourself into debt though, look at all channels of the NHS to ensure you are getting what they say you should. I don’t believe you are.

The mental health team have only really just started to take notice I've seen a psychiatrists for a few months who's never let me explain my symptoms or what happened to me the night it happened he just went straight in to ok it's dissociation but because no tests have shown anything and he over rules my dr everytime I go to see my GP in pain or struggling he just goes with the diagnosis of its dissociation syndrome he calls it. This psychiatrist is so stuck with his diagnosis he just won't help with anything other then I need deep therapy - ok then someone give me it!

A very poor psychiatrist then. Just read the notes and pushed you out of the door.

Which Dissociative Disorder have they diagnosed, Ollie? This is just an umbrella term for a set of disorders so they must have picked one. This is another example of how this seems a bit sloppy as you should have been given this.

You need to ask who is in charge of making the decision over what treatment they perform. You are with the Community Mental Health Team now so you are at Level 4 minimum and won’t be stuck working through the IAPT routes for anxiety disorders. So, they must have accepted your case is severe or out of scope for them. Dissociative Disorders probably are anyway.

You mentioned EMDR. The offer that on the NHS and there are people on here that have had it through them. So, when are they going to offer you the therapy they believe is needed and what type of therapy will it be? Level 4+ are multidisciplined teams so can offer a range of long term & intensive therapies not available via the IAPT services which are there are mild-moderate cases really.

Your referral for tests and admission by the CMHT that this is possibly organic in nature will now be holding this up. But if you return to this situation you need to pin them down over who makes the decision to treat, when, and what forms will it take. They should easily be able to answer these questions as it’s fundamental to what they do.

there has been no communicating between any of the people I see so I'm left to try to sort it all out myself if I'm lucky enough to remember.

Yes, unless you are an inpatient, you end up under more than one party not communicating sometimes. I had this experience with CBT as my therapist was sending reports to my GP who was clearly not reading them as he was suggesting things that had already been dealt with. I suspect the admin people at my surgery file the letters and add a quick note to the system. Either that or it’s a straight incompetence issue. Who knows but you are one of many when it comes to things like this so will end up doing the leg work for them if you want to get answers.

How would this be able to be checked? Mri or is there other ways of checking the nervous system?

This is really out of scope for people on here. It could mean things like fMRI’s to watch the areas of the brain lighting up but I suspect monitoring things like blood pressure, sugar levels and all sorts will be a possibility. It’s really one for them to tell you. If they actually observe one of your episodes it means they can determine what you body is actually doing and possible find a trigger process or even create it via stimulus.

There is a trauma place in London khiron house - Ownd by Benjamin fry, I've read his book seems pretty similar to me. my wife has spoke with him through email, his service is not available on the NHS you have to be put forward by your to a board of others with a load of other illness and then they decide who gets the funding. If I had the money I would of gone private all the way no messing around I just haven't got it.

Khiron house is a trauma unit they use therapy like Peter Levine and pat Ogden, Psychomotor therapy and EMDR.

I don’t believe you have accessed the proper NHS services yet, Ollie. I would suggest you push them for your treatment, subject to these new tests, before considering going to more extreme lengths since these therapies may be available free anyway.

The board set up suggests it’s only going to be cases they have an interest in so maybe this is more last ditch attempt and you aren’t there yet?

Aside from all the above I think we know you are trying to get somewhere by the amount of work going into find an answer. You are not chasing possibilities due to your symptoms but trying to find the reason for them. This is very different to someone with Somatoform Disorders (the hypochondriac of the old days). Your psychiatrist has diagnosed a disorder that isn’t an anxiety disorder but now the CMHT are disagreeing with his diagnosis and you have been referred to them because of that diagnosis. This makes it frustrating as it means you are stuck between 2 teams and trying to get them to sort themselves out so you can access treatment.

Many of us will have an understanding of some of your symptoms as they can be found in anxiety disorders, mood disorders, etc. Dissociative Disorders are in the same class as neurotic/stress related disorders.

I think it would be a good idea if your wife contacted a major charity for advice, MIND for instance. I think you need advice on what services you should be getting out of the NHS and who makes what decision & when. The NHS is far from a national body and many decisions are made locally. Because of this, things can differ from region to region so it can be hard for us to help each other as we don’t always understand the barriers. A major charity could give you advice about your rights to service and what to expect. From this you can “manage” your GP & co and push them to take action. GP’s especially can just run through the motions and not do things until they get put on the spot due to their lack of time, funds, yadda yadda [INSERT SUITABLE EXCUSE TO PUBLIC HERE]. :winks: Your GP is your primary care provider - make them work for their money and chase all this down for you. Whilst they may defer to the psychiatrist it doesn't mean they can't push.

Ollie28

11-10-15, 11:53

Fishmanpa

11-10-15, 16:04

Ollie,

I'll say this again. I told you I've read all your posts. Obviously this is just my opinion and I'm not a mental health professional but it's quite apparent to me that the trigger that started this was the infidelity in your marriage. What you're experiencing is quite similar in many ways to PTSD and maybe a few other anxiety related issues thrown in on top of it since this started. You said yourself that life was really good up until this incident. In fact, it sounded like a fairy tale. Good job, beautiful children and a partner of 14 years. Then the incident... You stated that you had gone through several months of high stress due to the situation and then BAM... panic attack in the kitchen and since then, all the symptoms, pain, disassociation, cognitive issues etc. You've posted so many times concerning the feelings you experience in relation to that event. Your separation before you got back together, feeling that your life had totally changed, your anger, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy etc.

It's as if your mind cannot process everything so it shuts down and along with your mind shutting down, your body does as well. You even said in this thread that you go inside yourself. It's my opinion this is what you're doing to cope with the very obvious and real pain of your wife's infidelity.

I've been cheated on... twice actually. Once when I was 19 and again when I was 40 after my divorce in a "rebound" relationship. Both times I was deeply in love with and I was blindsided like you. I truly know the pain it causes. I also know that it messed me up bad for a long time. It was years before I got things right with myself. I thought I was Ok but every time I started dating another woman, I would have feelings of mistrust, jealousy and would inevitably self sabotage any potential for a relationship. It wasn't until I got things right with myself that I was truly able to move on and in both cases, it was years healing.

Again, this is just my opinion from my own personal experience and from reading your posts. It's very apparent you're in deep pain from all that's happened. One way or another, you need to come to grips with it and find a way to deal with things. One on one counselling to get you to a place where perhaps you and your wife can get counseling for your marriage and try to regain the trust you once had. In one of your posts, you said you stared counseling and it was recommended you see a psychiatrist due to your attempts to take your life. That was a year ago. You haven't mentioned it since so I have to assume that never happened.

If in fact you are as debilitated as you say you are, you need to get immediate help, even intervention. I can't begin to imagine how you can work, spend quality time with your children or even get by day to day from what you post about.

I truly hope you find a way to relieve the pain you're suffering from.

Positive thoughts

MyNameIsTerry

11-10-15, 23:10

Ollie has said in this thread and previous ones that he has seen a psychiatrist for months. The psychiatrist has diagnosed Dissociative Disorder, not PTSD. Whilst PTSD sits in a different category of stress related disorders, it can appear similar because of the episodes but there are differences with its manifestations. They could have diagnosed an Adjustment Disorder which is a shorter term condition that is converted to a longer term one but obviously see the symptoms of Dissociative Disorder instead. That's the psychiatrist's view.

The CMHT, a multidisciplinary team of CPN's & psychologists, dispute this and want a neurological assessment.

So, Ollie is stuck between disputing medical professionals and so cannot access treatment unless they sort this out or he starts fresh with private to pay for treatment he is entitled to on the NHS.

Dissociative Disorder is a bit different and characterised by episodes of shutdowns due to an inability to cope with something. Some people have seizures, some become temporarily paralysed, etc.

So, that sounds possible BUT CMHT are experts too and don't agree due to the pain issues, I guess.

MyNameIsTerry

12-10-15, 05:22

Morning terry,
Thanks mate for you help and advice really honestly appreciate it.
It's very frustrating i haven't a clue what's happening to me, I was great all day yesterday the best I've felt cognitively & physically in the last 2 years I was 80-90% all day I thought I had cracked it or what ever it is it's going.
That was until I woke this morning I couldn't get out of bed totally lathargic tired weak sleepy beyond normal sleepiness.
I've just woke up and I've felt like this a lot over the last 24 month - body feels un-oxygenated, tense pain down my spine, head feels full of sludge and bunged up as if somehow I don't have enough oxygen in my brain and it's effecting my cognition I feel sluggish, dizzy, short of confused or disorientated, just not right.
I have to wait for this to go clear off as it does my cognition stengthens.

It's mad though I have dreams like I'm in this state ins dream like I'm drunk and falling over - last night I had a dream I was playing football but was dizzy every time I got the ball I couldn't run or get passed people I couldn't breath I coudnt co ordinate brain and feet I kept losing the ball away from me like I was playing football underwater sort of thing, that's how I feel when I wake - like I'm out of breath un oxygenated my body sensations cognition feels this way too.

It's kind of like when your asleep and you need the toilet and you dream your bursting when you wake up you actually are or is that just me lol.

It's a strange illness I'm going through very scary and disabling because I can only function or do as much as my body will allow me to which means i can only live for each kind of minute.

I'm not really sure what's happening myself it sometimes feels like my body is holding on to something psychologically, as if it needs to be shaken out of me but then at times like today I feel completely muffled and numb as if I've not been breathing all night and my body and mind are shut down.

I just got to take out of each day what I can mate my symtoms and sensations govern how much I can do - it's frustrating at times I feel like banging my head against the wall because I feel like i can't think, process or be aware is if my brains shut down and offline - everything is a cognitive painful battle.
The bodily pains and sensations are strange too - but if my brain was to suddenly open up wide awake so would my body along with strength and co ordination of my feelings and feel ect otherwise I feel kind of dizzy ect - if someone put a ball at my feel now and asked me to run with it ild fall over become confused can't judge my own feet but before that within 10 seconds il be struggling to breath and my head goes in to bad pain.

Scary mate considering Ive been fit all my life and played football for my county and semi pro level - It hurts seeing all my family and friends being normal doin normal things it frustrates me that I'm like this to the point I'm becoming severely depressed.

Watch il find out it's just a food allergy or something. Ha

Cheers terry

Hi Ollie,

I can remember on a few occasions having a dream where my alarm clock starting and I just couldn't switch it off. I got more & more frustrated and angry and then I woke up and found it actually was going off!!

I had one a couple of days ago where I was sure I was shouted and I shouted back several times, checked the time and gave up. When I asked, everyone had been in the front room and not said anything.

Weird stuff just seems to happen like that.

I've had dreams many years ago where I would be trying to roll across the road out of the way of an oncoming car. The car was coming at normal speed and I was rolling in slow motion. I would feel more & more stressed and eventually wake up. This was going back into childhood.

Falling in dreams is a common one, as well as in the Hypnagogia (falling asleep & within the first 2 hours of sleep) & Hypnopompia (waking) states and these are normal brain functioning states that have loads of recorded phenomena including sleep paralysis. My dad sometimes gets dreams where somebody (he can't make them out, just like an apparition) is choking him and he will wail in his sleep and wake up to find himself struggling for breath. When I have vivid dreams I can wake up in a stressed state and my breathing is stressed or I'm sweating.

I've seen something about how the brain wakes us up for things that we actually need to do like yout toilet example. I can't remember where it may have been in articles or even on TV but it was something normal. I'm sure it mentioned the ability to hear something said by someone.

Did your psychiatrist tell you which Dissociative Disorder her was diagnosing? There is one that maps and I'm wondering whether he has made that diagnosis since all the others wouldn't map at all with the symptoms you have always described. I'm just wondering whether you exploit a failing here when talking to the CMHT?

Was it the pain issues with the head crushing why the CMHT have referred this back?

---------- Post added at 05:22 ---------- Previous post was at 04:33 ----------

Ollie,

Here is the description for the section on Dissociative Disorders so you can see where your psychiatrist the point of view of catagorising from your symptoms:

F44 Dissociative [conversion] disorders

The common theme shared by dissociative (or conversion) disorders is a partial or complete loss of the
normal integration between memories of the past, awareness of identity, immediate
sensations, and control of bodily movements. There is normally a considerable degree of
conscious control over the memories and sensations that can be selected for immediate
attention, and the movements that are to be carried out. In the dissociative disorders it is
presumed that this ability to exercise a conscious and selective control is impaired, to a degree
that can vary from day to day or even from hour to hour. It is usually very difficult to assess
the extent to which some of the loss of functions might be under voluntary control.
These disorders have previously been classified as various types of "conversion hysteria", but it now
seems best to avoid the term "hysteria" as far as possible, in view of its many and varied meanings. Dissociative disorders as described here are presumed to be "psychogenic" in
origin, being associated closely in time with traumatic events, insoluble and intolerable
problems, or disturbed relationships. It is therefore often possible to make interpretations
and presumptions about the individual's means of dealing within intolerable stress, but
concepts derived from any one particular theory, such as "unconscious motivation" and
"secondary gain", are not included among the guidelines or criteria for diagnosis.
The term "conversion" is widely applied to some of these disorders, and implies that the unpleasant
affect, engendered by the problems and conflicts that the individual cannot solve, is somehow
transformed into the symptoms.
The onset and termination of dissociative states are often reported as being sudden, but they are rarely
observed except during contrived interactions or procedures such as hypnosis or abreaction.
Change in or disappearance of a dissociative state may be limited to the duration of such
procedures. All types of dissociative state tend to remit after a few weeks or months,
particularly if their onset was associated with a
traumatic life event. More chronic states, particularly paralyses and anaesthesias, may develop
(sometimes more slowly) if they are associated with insoluble problems or interpersonal
difficulties. Dissociative states that have endured for more than 1-2 years before coming to
psychiatric attention are often resistant to therapy.
Individuals with dissociative disorders often show a striking denial of problems or difficulties that may
be obvious to others. Any problems that they themselves recognize may be attributed by
patients to the dissociative symptoms.
Depersonalization and derealization are not included here, since in these syndromes only limited
aspects of personal identity are usually affected, and there is no associated loss of performance
in terms of sensations, memories, or movements.
Diagnostic guidelines
For a definite diagnosis the following should be present:
(a)the clinical features as specified for the individual disorders in F44.-;
(b)no evidence of a physical disorder that might explain the symptoms;
(c)evidence for psychological causation, in the form of clear association in time with stressful events
and problems or disturbed relationships (even if denied by the individual).
Convincing evidence of psychological causation may be difficult to find, even though strongly
suspected. In the presence of known disorders of the central or peripheral nervous system,
the diagnosis of dissociative disorder should be made with great caution. In the absence of
evidence for psychological causation, the diagnosis should remain provisional, and enquiry
into both physical and psychological aspects should continue.
Includes: conversion hysteria
conversion reaction
hysteria
hysterical psychosis
Excludes: malingering [conscious simulation] (Z76.5)

You will notice the point about life events which is where FMP is coming from with PTSD, which you would often see as a possibility, but in classifying a specific mental health problem due to a stressful life event, there are ones people may not be aware of that the professionals are hence possibly some confusion on here. It's this "fit" episode that could maybe indicate something like Non Epileptic Seizures (NES) in some people (which would mean a neurologist ruling out all the causes for those to determine NES, which can happen to people with anxiety/depression. I know someone who doesn't have such disorders who had one due to a very stressful job). Without re-reading what you have described, this is a big assumption on my part, something I don't liek doing, but its just to illustrate a specific symptom found in Dissociative Disorders that could be relevant. The more severe loss of cognition is another one that could be a feature of some of these disorders but obviously a professional is needed to work out the difference between cognitive issues seen in anxiety/depression vs. Dissociative Disorder.

There are few in the manual:

F44.1 Dissociative fugue
F44.2 Dissociative stupor
F44.3 Trance and possession disorders
F44.4-F44.7 Dissociative disorders of movement and sensation
F44.4 Dissociative motor disorders
F44.5 Dissociative convulsions
F44.6 Dissociative anaesthesia and sensory loss
F44.7 Mixed dissociative [conversion] disorders
F44.8 Other dissociative [conversion] disorders
....F44.80 Ganser's syndrome
....F44.81 Multiple personality disorder
....F44.82 Transient dissociative [conversion] disorders occurring in childhood and adolescence
....F44.88 Other specified dissociative [conversion] disorders
F44.9 Dissociative [conversion] disorder, unspecified

If you looked at the descriptions of these disorders you would probably see things that look familiar in more than one which may lead to a "mixed" diagnosis but in F44.4-7 there is a very interesting statement that may be relevant to you:

Disorders involving only loss of sensations are included here; disorders involving additional
sensations such as pain, and other complex sensations mediated by the autonomic nervous
system are included in somatoform disorders (F45.-).

I find that interesting because you have always complained about the head crushing and pain involved. So, if the psychiatrist made a diagnosis of this specific subcatagory, I would be asking why when this statement exists.

AND the diagnostic criteria for that one also makes a point of saying:

The diagnosis should remain probable or provisional if there is any doubt about the
contribution of actual or possible physical disorders, or if it is impossible to achieve an
understanding of why the disorder has developed. In cases that are puzzling or not clear-cut, the possibility of the later appearance of serious physical or psychiatric disorders should
always be kept in mind.

So, if this subcatagory has been diagnosed, this statement could be used to convince your doctor(s) that the diagnosis is not as solid as to overrule future testing and re-classification.

Maybe use of information can be used to challenge your GP's lack of willingness to push for a firmer diagnosis in light of the CMHT, who are equally qualified, disagreeing? I know information is not always popular around here but when you are in the middle, subject to your ability to remain objective, it can help e.g. I'm just a GAD sufferer according to my GP's patient notes. The CBT therapist he referred me to diagnosed OCD in the initial assessment, wrote to him and gave reports at intervals and yet there is still no mention of it years later. I could push my GP to resolve that by making a formal diagnosis but he has shown a complete lack of understanding of mental health disorders anyway and it's not difficult to realise you have OCD from reading about it from reputable medical/charity sources when you spend most of your day touching, checking, re-reading and my many other compulsions that appeared. In someone with a Somatoform pattern, information can be misused due to their particular Cognitive Distortions but for someone like myself it's no issue at all. The question is always whether that person is going to search to find something to attribute their symptoms to as in a serious health issue or try to make their symptoms "fit" a diagnostic criteria.

I haven't added in the individual criterias here but I can point you to them (they are too large to add in) if you feel you could use them responsibly. Don't go searching through a manual for anything & everything but use it to see what they have seen in you. Normally this isn't needed but in light of all this arsing about by the NHS, it might be something you can use to highlight some key questions to them about?

Ollie28

12-10-15, 18:35

Hi terry - I haven't actually read the discriptions as of yet but will do when I sit down later to relax,

I haven't had a name for the disorder other than just dissociation - but I'm told there is so much that can happen to the body with this disorder like you have also mentioned.

I can remember in the middle of going through what I was going through with my wife I had moved out and got my own place, I didn't want to be there on my own but I can remember I would wake up at night feeling strange but lost and would start panicking looking for my van keys and phone it was horrible it happened a lot to me that but it was so real so strange feeling and scary.

My psychiatrist has said basically the same its sounds like PTSD type symptoms he thinks well I know also that I had a issue with security as a child, my farther was a alcoholic and despite never being neglected by my mum I was always full of fear of my dad, I apparently witnessed a lot as a child so maybe as a child I was using or my body was so anxious i was using dissociation as a means of escape - I don't think it was on purpose though I think I was just so scared and anxious my body would tense up, I honesty don't think I've been 100% all my life - looking back I was always afraid to do things, always struggled in conversations with people 1-1, I went through a hell of a lot of emotional stress 2 years ago with my wife and I think it was the security issue that held me in that state as well as the way I was - basically as a child I put everything away never faced it when my wife was leaving me it triggered everything back off.
But the way she was leaving me and what happened I flipped in a bad way I lost the plot i automatically went in to fight mode 4 months solid - I would get so so angry and frustrated at how and why but get no answers leading to more frustration more anger - reading Peter Levine books he explaines how powerful the human body is and how much energy it takes to go in to fight or flight and if that emerges is not released it becomes stored in the body now I was like this for 4 months solid so so so much went on so all that plus this opening of old traumas my body is in a mess! That's my psychological explanation.
My body is very very very hyperaroused I think as soon as my neveous system is set off my body goes in to fight mode despite me being calm this is why I feel all the blood goes to the top half of my body because when I was boxing I was so tense and angry my head and shoulderes so tense it's as if my body is stuck like this but it effects my cognition because the blood flow feels like it's pushed up too.
Being slow calm relaxed brings my body down its as if my body is stuck up in super high anxiety tense state and I can't pull my body back in to how I've felt all my life perception wise which is scary as I feel cognitively wrong and in pain all the time.
Dissociation can accrue also if the trauma is repetitive especially by someone you love and trust, I was hurt repetitive in that 4 months despite breaking up my wife still stayed in my company turning me insane! We would spend wk ends together with our children then the evening and I would be full of fear all day everyday being around her but the next day would ask is it over are we back together and she would say no this happened a lot - my head has been psychologically screwed up hasn't it! 8-(

But then I feel 90% feel fine il have something to eat or start to think and my brain goes offline I lose all cognition feel like I'm losing my rationality feel like in hijab crazy it's a horrible feeling I hate it so so much then say there must be something physical wrong - Oxygen, blood, glucose nerve desease

My symptoms are so off the radar and random it's hard to diagnose or pinpoint this is why I'm struggling.

I feel lost mate - Lonley in fact!

Wish I had someone to talk to on the phone that understands my illness or could help. My family don't understand.

I'm lying here now on my bed feel 70% if I move and start doing something say hovering or anything I go tense lose cognition struggle to breath.
Brain shuts down head goes tense at front like all my cogntion power has shifted forward - it's blood flow pressure related,

Psychological - physiological I don't know. Slow paced helps calm nothing to think about help as soon as I think or process boom

---------- Post added at 18:22 ---------- Previous post was at 18:14 ----------

The thing is I love my wife and kids but it's if my mind is telling me to be alone it can't deal with anything but myself and I'm fighting my own mind, like it dosnt want to
Think in a certain way it can't no more it's mad

---------- Post added at 18:31 ---------- Previous post was at 18:22 ----------

It's blood flow related mate - making me feel and think how I do. I can feel the change when I sit up lean forward. It's mad

---------- Post added at 18:35 ---------- Previous post was at 18:31 ----------

Prob psychosocial causing physiological symptoms - so basically I'm screwed.

MyNameIsTerry

13-10-15, 04:50

I haven't given you the criteria for Dissociate Disorders, purely the summary of them all. It's too large to paste in the rest.

PTSD sits in a different catagory:

F43 Reaction to severe stress, and adjustment disorders
F43.0 Acute stress reaction
F43.1 Post-traumatic stress disorder
F43.2 Adjustment disorders
.20 Brief depressive reaction
.21 Prolonged depressive reaction
.22 Mixed anxiety and depressive reaction
.23 With predominant disturbance of other emotions
.24 With predominant disturbance of conduct
.25 With mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct
.28 With other specified predominant symptoms
F43.8 Other reactions to severe stress
F43.9 Reaction to severe stress, unspecified

Acute Stress Reaction is something that lasts hours to days. It involves an overwhelming traumatic experience threatening the individual's (or loved one) security or physical integrity. Accidents, violent incidents, natural disaster, war, etc fall into this one.

Adjustment Disorders are no longer than 6 months at which they reclassify them into a different disorder with the exception of Prolonged Depressive Reaction which is allowed to last 2 years before reclassification. So, you may experience a life changing event e.g. divorce. Grief falls into this one too but it's a bit more complicated in how they decide which category as it depends on length & intensity. All Adjustment Disorders after their expiration can be reclassified into anxiety disorders or mood disorder like the various forms of depression or they can simply recoded to a lesser form by listing purely the remaining elements that the individual struggles with. If they reclassified to another disorder e.g. a form of depression, they can still use what they call these "Z codes" to add in those specific remaining elements from the original Adjustment Disorder.

PTSD is where the stressful event is extreme e.g. natural or man-made disaster, combat, serious accident, witnessing the violent death of others, or being the victim of torture, terrorism, rape, or other crime. It also stipulates that whilst a previous anxious personality trait may lower the threshold for it to occur, such issues are not sufficient to explain the occurence of PTSD. This is normally diagnosed if the symptoms appear within 6 months of the event, cannot be attributed to another form of disorder (e.g. anxiety disorders, mood disorder forms of depression) and must include repetitive intrusive recollection or re-enactment of the event in memory, daytime imagery or dreams.

Many of the symptoms you talk about are not new to people with anxiety disorders. We get loads of cognitive issues too. Various neurotransmitters are involved in these processes with serotonin being one of them. I have issues with my memory and earlier on it was much harder to reczll names or events and thinking of a specific word I need has been an issue for years. Your mind fighting with itself is easily one I have with my OCD and I'm sure it will be a feature of the overthinking and just anxious self talk many of us deal with. I've dealt with ambivalence terribly and still do. I think what separates you are the fits as you call them and the head crushing. I get loads of brain fogs, muscular tension, etc causing aches & pains in my head and it can feel difficult to concentrate or think straight when things are worse but real pain is a different issue. Needing to be taken by ambulance because of it is a different level. Seizures can be experience by any of us and people without disorders too, like the guy I used to work with, but on a regular basis it's something else and thats where the Dissociative Disorder could come in since there is a specific one for that alone.

Going back to PTSD for a moment, do you get the memories, the replaying, etc mentioned above? Many of your symptoms are certainly mentioned in PTSD but perhaps this criteria divides you out? And then there are these episodes to consider. Dissociative Disorders are all about your body reacting to escape something too painful to process and it can react with amnesia, stupor, fugue, seizures and more. If you react with any of these and don't have the memory recalls of events, this sounds more appropriate of the two. BUT the pain issues might separate it out again but I think you need to review the descriptions provided above to see where you fit in. Then look at the criterias for the more specific ones to see if they match too and this is where a few of them detail pain cannot exist with them.

Ollie28

13-10-15, 19:00

Hi mate - typing this coming off the back of a terrible day,

I don't get flash backs of the event I actually feel like my mind and body have not processed any of it tbh as at the time when going through it I never give my self, body of mind chance to process what was going on I was rushing around like a bull in a china shop litrally mate. Something triggered straight away I think because out of no where when my wife told me she no longer wanted to be with me and she wanted me out I felt an emotion of intense fear i can remember waking crying in my sleep ot going down stairs middle of the night and crying but the emotions was so intense - a lot of men would not of reacted in this way I guess this was a psychological issue i had of being on my own without my wife and kids but the feeling was like non I've ever experinced. But again out of no where it was like a impulse reaction that triggered me off I went in to to mode of fighting back but in a way of trying to prove to my wife I was better than she thought I started waking up at 6am full of pure anxiety fear but hyperaroused sort of feeling sort of like my body was high on pure adrenaline i was going swimming at 6.30am like fighting to keep my wife not just "oh il lose weight il look good and show her" it was pure agressive adrenaline fight mode - I can remover swimming and struggling my mind racing. Ild rush home go in do my hair still full of adrenaline/fear anger but high on myself, I think this was some sort of insecurity reaction. Then ild feel good like a 18 year old! Sort of trying to prove to my wife I'm a good looking bloke she's wrong all that then ild see her putting her makeup on - she is stunning very attractive and then that adrenaline and mood would suddenly change to panic fear I can't be without her sort of thing again my body full of adrenaline ild break down - I couldn't control my emotions I think it's childhood related.

At the time I still didn't know someone else was involved - I would then get angry before she left each time as I didn't want this to be happening I lost my head big time! I would then go off to work rushing around all day doing my job but all I could do was think about her and the kids and my family - I would think deep very deep which didn't help as it messed up my emotions bad! Ild cry in my van, then after a cry ild go on a high like I'm ok I can do what I want like my body had reset then ild get angry then sad then cry then ok then sad then angry I went round and round in circles like this all day everyday plus all the crap that I went through at home - this would happen really quick my mood would change very quick as soon as one mood shifted another come - this still happens now! Like my minds stuck. I will feel terrible and cry after I cry my mood Suddenley goes on a high my brain wakes up it lasts about 15 minutes then I go on a low but also my cognition shuts down its like a deep deep depressive state. I open up I shut down my mood fluctuates so rapid I can't control it I have to just be aware and feel it try not to react.

Anger I get terrible anger but I can't feel it I have no feelings most of the time - as I said a bad day today I had road rage with someone I over reacted I got out the car i was like a lion raging but felt nothing at all no fear no emotion no body feelings I wasn't shaking with adrenaline like nothing had happened, it's as if my body is shut down - this is not me ild never react like this ever. My body was numb. Within 5 minutes it was like it never happened I forgot until my wife prompted me about it. I just feel nothing no awareness numb.

I don't know what's happening to me mate but I want to feel normal I go so tense I can't feel my stomach or lower body is like as if you get really angry you go tense that's how I feel I'm stuck if I don't feel like this when I wake my body goes like this as soon as I start processing or concentrating.

Obviously what I went through is the course - I'm not ruling anything out. If I was to put someone who feels normal in to my body for 5 minutes they would shit themselves - I've been stuck like this 24/7 2 years experiencing some horrible things feelings, pains emotions, intense feelings of going insane, intense feelings of running away in fear out of shops it's because I feel wrong too the way my perception and cognition has changed.

I don't know what the head pains are I think there a result of how my cognition/perception has changed the way I think and the way I feel creates the pain I can't not think so have no choice - even talking it feels like I'm manually thinking as I talk.

It's as if I was on this hyperaroused fight mode so high for so long my brain & body is stuck like this in this state I can't get my body back down if I calm I can it down a bit I gets cognition back a little but as soon as II've or anything it goes off.
I couldn't imagine experincing a higher level of anxiety if this is what it is. It's like I'm losing my mind and body and going crazy only I know about it and have to deal with how ever I feel or experience I have no choice. My stomach burns with adrenaline. It's painful. Not sure what the eating thing is to do with it but I can feel 90 no symtoms a drink of juice can trigger it off.

When I come on here I was so so so bad a lot wors than I am now so I'm slowly getting there just very very slow! I can remember I couldn't even make sense of my symtoms or work out in my own head what was what! I was bad mate very bad sever nerve frying pain that have eased over time. It's more the cognition thing now. See I can make sense of what triggers what and I know what's going to happen and what follows ect so if I'm learning I'm healing one way to look at it but no way near able to enjoy life yet.

What scares me is if I have a ok day most of the day then feel bad and cry my mind arrases everything before I cry it feels likes it's a different day or I can't recall what I've done all day it's scary and strange. Like my memory is wiped it hurts to try to think about it! What's this???

---------- Post added at 19:00 ---------- Previous post was at 18:38 ----------

I went off one one there....

When out with my wife I am hypersensitive or hyper aware of couples, good looking girls, good looking lads in a way like there better than me or like I'm having to stand up and show like I'm not scared even though I'm doubting myself.
I look at girls but with a more hyperness and there is se kind of fear there too I panic if a an attractive girl comes close to me. I look at my wife in a different way if she has make up on or not as if she's a different person when she has it on and t puts fear in me - this has never bothered me before never nor am I a possessive person it's since this this whole image, good looking girls, couples has done something to me - why would I fear my wife when she looks attractive! The bad thing is I'm ill I've lost my job that made me proud to work and provide and I was proud of what I did - I can't be myself because of my cognitive problems and pains, I've lost my personality so feel like I'm no body so I constantly now put myself down and doubt myself what's the point in living anymore like I am, my wife is stunning it's only a matter of time before she gets fed up of me. I was never like this before I become ill I was proud hard working enjoyed sport, out going funny loving caring - I'm nothing now just a lost man struggling.

When I feel 90% I can feel good and think I'm a good person I'm getting better I can gets life back I'm worth more than I get credit for and nothing bothers me no fears or feelings like above its when my brain shuts down I can't think positive at all full of fear and horrible pain and feelings of worth nothin despite trying to be positive il get better it's not enough no more I need myself back how I've been all my life - how is it possible to feel normal all your life you don't even think about it to changing to feel like your someone else and your old person you was has gone - it's scary. I feel stuck frozen in time as if I'm nowhere no one and times just moving without me being involved or aware.

I can't explain how much I miss my children I see them everyday but it cognitively feels like I don't I feel nothing no awareness or feelings. It's breaking me.
Before this and still am I a loving farther I love them more than life itself it's terribly hard to be stuck like this I just want to feel aware and emotional attachment I want to feel like I'm with them not just here watching them seeing them I want to feel aware no matter where I go no matter what I do I want to be aware of them and everything and one in my life like I use to be not not being aware of things I've done all my life.

shelzmike

13-10-15, 19:41

Wow, so I read through (most) of this post. There was a lot to read for sure. I will start by saying that I am not a mental health professional; however, I have had generalized anxiety disorder/health anxiety/panic attacks/agoraphobia in some varying degree for 14+ years now. I love learning and part of what has helped me on my journey has been TONS and TONS of research on all sorts of topics related to mental health.

That being said, it sounds like you have gone through a lot - enough to make even the most calm person have stress and anxious reactions. I agree with others in that your posts you come across as very cogent, understandable and even use very proper grammar in most cases. This is not the writing of someone who is cognitively impaired. It just isn't. It shows a thoughtful and quite frankly energetic post. It is very wordy, but not rambling in any case. Here's the thing though - I KNOW exactly what you are referring to. I get into these bad spots where I feel like I am losing my memory, I am not here, I feel almost "alien" to the outside world. I feel like I am losing my mind or possibly have some neurochemical problem. However, the reality is that I do not. I have discovered this because they are only periods of times and these feelings come in waves and are always, ALWAYS associated with periods of high stress and anxiety. Sometimes I could be feeling fine otherwise, but feel run down and unable to remember things. Although, I have a really good memory, but it just feels like I don't. What I mean is that the anxiety, and all of it's various chemicals, manifest themselves in ways that make me feel very foggy and that feeling, of course, increases my anxiety, which increases the chemicals and feelings, etc. It can be a never ending cycle sometimes. Cortisol is a byproduct of anxiety and stress and cortisol is proven to have this effect time and time again. No doubt about it.

The one thing that stands out to me is that all of your posts here absolutely scream anxiety disorder. Your posts are long, but they seem very quick, if that makes any sense - like I imagine your brain, when typing them, is going faster than your hands can manage. (Again happens to me...like right now even). While I am not sure how I can get this out of typed words, I do get the feeling that you sound very keyed up at all times where just the littlest strange feeling takes you from 0 to 1000 immediately. What this means is that there is no respite for you and it seems that it is a constant daily thing. That sucks and after I had my very first major panic attack, I felt like this for months.

I think you mentioned some sort of tranquilizer...benzo of some sort? I won't go back and read it, but interested in knowing how much and of what and how often you take it because the one thing that is going to help you the most, at least most immediately, is getting to a state where your body and mind can calm down a bit. It is only then that you can start processing how to deal or heal from what is ailing you at the moment.

One aside, I think that the whole hierarchy of disassociative "disorders" is really a bunch of nonsense. Not anything against Terry, what I mean is that the move of the mental health profession trying to categorize all these nuances of anxiety into specific diagnosis is absurd and really, at the end of the day not very helpful as the treatment is generally always the same. Disassociative disorder is usually reserved for folks with multiple personalities - people who copy by disintegrating themselves into multiple distinct "persons" who have their own special coping skills. This does not sound anything like what you have described you are going through.

That being said, disassociation or dis-integration are actually symptoms of anxiety disorder. Someone who describes it better than I can is the legendary Dr. Claire Weekes. In her book, she writes:

Many nervously ill people say they feel their loss of confidence so acutely it is if their personality has disintegrated. Because his emotional reactions are so unpredictable, so exaggerated, so frightening, and come so quickly, the sufferer feels no inner strength on which to depend, no inner self from which to seek direction. It is this lack of inner harmony holding thought and feeling together that leads him to choose the word "disintegration" to describe the way he feels. Old-fashioned sayings can be surprisingly apt when applied to nervous illness. The saying, “Pull yourself together,” describes so well what the sick person feels he should do but feels he cannot do. It is as if he must gather the scattered pieces of his personality together and fit them into place, as one would a jigsaw puzzle, before he can be himself again. To do this he usually has to overcome the human weaknesses that helped cause his illness, and he must do this while under great stress , so that as he recovers he is integrated on a higher plane, is a better person.
.........

I explained the cause of his apparent disintegration and emphasized that he could continue successfully if, instead of meeting each situation with tense determination to overcome it, he were to relax, accept his present condition as temporary, and float past the reactions aroused by any aspects of his work that now dismayed him. In other words, to do his best as calmly as he could and be satisfied with the results, recognizing that to expect more from himself in his present fatigued, sensitized condition would be foolish. I explained fully the meaning of “float.”

Do not be alarmed by the term “disintegration” if you have not heard it before. Your personality has not truly disintegrated. Your adrenaline-releasing nerves are merely over-sensitized by fear and continuous tension, and your mind slowed by fatigue. This creates the illusion of disintegration. When your emotional reactions calm, you will quickly feel integrated again. You are now passing through a very temporary phase. Integration and confidence return together. One depends on the other, and both depend on peace of mind.

If you are not familiar with Claire Weekes, I STRONGLY urge you to seek her material out.

In a sense, you are being too hard on yourself, thinking either you get better in short order or you will slowly come to an anxious and painful demise. Please know these are not the only options and are the rarest of the options. Sure you have physical symptoms, but nothing has ever been conclusively diagnosed. Please listen when I say this, and i am not not being flippant here. Anxiety causes REAL physical symptoms! As someone who has a grandfather with an actual neurological disorder and who has also had anxiety disorder in the past - his statement to me was that there is a big difference - actual physical disorder symptoms do not wax and wane. They just don't, especially in the absence of any treatment. You must work first on accepting that they must be anxiety related, you must work so much more on floating with them, dealing with them, not panicking and trying to make them stop because that is counter-intuitive. Easier said than done, I know, but it CAN be done, no matter how slowly.

I will leave you with this....let's say that it is an actual neurological or physical disorder...OK, is the best response to cause yourself so much panic or stress about it? Sure, it can be scary and worrisome but instead of giving yourself such a hard time about feeling this way, that is clearly not helping you, why not just work on accepting it. Thinking "OK, maybe I do have something, but focusing every waking hour on the what-ifs isn't helping" In fact, even the most "normal" person can do well with focusing on relaxation from time to time. It is good for the body.

I am not sure what the doctor and mental health professional situation is in your case. It sounds very confusing; however, I do know (having been in this boat myself) that therapists can only go so far...they are not the curator of healing they are the teachers to teach us how to heal. We must take some responsibility for our own healing or we will be very disappointed. Good luck to you.

Mike

Fishmanpa

14-10-15, 00:25

Brilliant post Mike...

Positive thoughts

blue moon

14-10-15, 00:43

I agree very good post.:D

MyNameIsTerry

14-10-15, 05:11

One aside, I think that the whole hierarchy of disassociative "disorders" is really a bunch of nonsense. Not anything against Terry, what I mean is that the move of the mental health profession trying to categorize all these nuances of anxiety into specific diagnosis is absurd and really, at the end of the day not very helpful as the treatment is generally always the same. Disassociative disorder is usually reserved for folks with multiple personalities - people who copy by disintegrating themselves into multiple distinct "persons" who have their own special coping skills. This does not sound anything like what you have described you are going through.

That being said, disassociation or dis-integration are actually symptoms of anxiety disorder. Someone who describes it better than I can is the legendary Dr. Claire Weekes. In her book, she writes:

Hi Mike,

I'm not sure if this a because our countries use a different diagnostic manual. I know the US has their DSM but we use the WHO ICD. I can't say I've ever looked much at the DSM but I have made some comparisons around some of the HA forms to find the US classification has not only different disorder names but also a differing criteria that could see a different diagnosis between them. But what I posted earlier is from the WHO ICD-10 and shows a range of Dissociative Disorders and the one you are talking about Trance and possession disorders (F44.3) from reading the descriptions. You are right, Ollie doesn't have multiple personalities but thats only relevant if thats what the disorder is for, which is not the case for us in the UK.

Disassociation/disintegration from the perspective of DP/DR and loss of underlying personal qualities e.g. self confidence, self worth, self esteem, etc can easily be seen across a whole range of mental health conditions including anxiety as can anxiety be seen across many others that are not anxiety disorders which I'm sure you will know. But disassocation/disintergration is not the same as the definition of dissociative that we have. I agree about it's use within anxiety though, I've had much of it myself and unless you fix these areras too you just lay the foundations for later relapse. Therapy often fails to address this area which is frustrating.

There are few in the manual:

F44.1 Dissociative fugue
F44.2 Dissociative stupor
F44.3 Trance and possession disorders
F44.4-F44.7 Dissociative disorders of movement and sensation
F44.4 Dissociative motor disorders
F44.5 Dissociative convulsions
F44.6 Dissociative anaesthesia and sensory loss
F44.7 Mixed dissociative [conversion] disorders
F44.8 Other dissociative [conversion] disorders
....F44.80 Ganser's syndrome
....F44.81 Multiple personality disorder
....F44.82 Transient dissociative [conversion] disorders occurring in childhood and adolescence
....F44.88 Other specified dissociative [conversion] disorders
F44.9 Dissociative [conversion] disorder, unspecified

Some of those obviously stick out as not being connected to a multiple personality. Some like F44.5 include seizures and I don't know if you are aware but there are Non Epileptic Seizures (NES) that can be experienced by people without neurological disorders like epilepsy and the major charities for that over here explain on their websites how anxiety, depression and traumatic experience can causes this. So, they don't have to have this disorder at all. I know someone who had one and he didn't have an anxiety disorder or depression. He was referred straight to a neurologist who ran the tests, confirmed there was nothing wrong and attributed it to a NES as the guy was working in a very stressful role night & day far more than he should have.

There are many symptoms that Ollie mentions that could be due to anxiety or depression or both but his psychiatrist has diagnosed Dissociative Disorder. Whilst this sits in the same overall category i.e. neurotic & stress, his GP (his primary contact doctor who refers him to a psychiatrist or mental health treatment route) now sticks to this as a specialist has reviewed him. Ollie is with the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) who are comprised of psychiatric nurses, psychologists & psychiatrists. These guys don't treat anxiety disorders of mild-moderate normally and work on the severe cases along with more complex mental health problems e.g. schizophrenia, bipolar, personality disorders, etc. The CMHT are disputing the psychiatrists diagnosis and have referred back for neurological tests according to what I gather as Ollie has mentioned a couple of times now that they don't see his symptoms as an anxiety issue. So, this is a problem as you have people of the same specialist level in dispute with each other. The problem you then have is that the CMHT are the ones doing the treatment so if they don't think he has been referred to them for the correct reasons and believe it could be physical, the treatment isn't going to happen until it comes back to them. Ollie ends up stuck between them in "the system". Unless he fancies going private, he has to work with these people to resolve the diagnosis and get his treatment started whether mental, physical or both. So, who does he believe? Regardless, he's stuck waiting on people. The fact he isn't sure which Dissociative Disorder he has is a bit of a red flag to me as lazy diagnosis is often the case with someone like a GP (mine just kept saying "chronic anxiety" which as you know is meaningless) but you would expect something accurate from a psychiatrist and added to that Ollie mentioned the guy didn't even let him tell him his symptoms, it makes you wonder how accurate it has been. So, perhaps with some understanding of the actual named disorder and some information, Ollie might be able to go back to them. For instance, one of these disorders specifically states pain cannot be associated with it or it becomes a Somatoform Disorder which firmly pushes it inside the HA bracket. There is also the chance it could be a comorbid set of disorders and this is where a medical professional is needed to make the distinction but Ollie can either wait for them to pull their fingers out or challenge them with questions and push them to work to a new diagnosis or justification of the current one. At least them his treatment can start. Thats why I was asking about some of this to see if something can be found to generate some questions. This is also why I asked about PTSD as FMP thought it could be this. If the criteria differs overthere, it could well be PTSD but if Ollie goes to his GP stating he thinks it's that and his GP asks a simple question from the criteria I posted, which is from them, then his GP will just disagree and since he's already not waivering from the psychiatrists diagnosis it doesn't really achieve anything other than more frustration.

pulisa

14-10-15, 08:22

You speak a lot of sense, Mike.

MyNameIsTerry

14-10-15, 09:04

Hi Ollie,

Many of the things you say are things people talk about elsewhere on here with their anxiety. Cognitive problems are well known. Memory problems are well known. Many functions require neurotransmitters and when you are lacking in those these functions suffer. Low serotonin is often the case for anxiety & depression. Equally get too much of an exhitory one without an inhibitory one being synthesised enough to keep balance and you are bouncing off the walls with your thoughts. So, some of these things can be explained away in anxiety anyway. But anxiety is a normal response anyway, it's only when it gets out of hand that it becomes a disorder. Anxiety is part of many mental health problems as well as physical problems too. This can often be because of the physical condition yet there is no true link. All they can do is sort out these tests for you and get you into the treatment you need, whatever it is. But keep an open mind, it can still be a mental health issue.

Some of the things you are saying about your relationship and how it has affected you could easily be seen in people with depression. It was a big event in your life. It changed how you viewed your marriage and yourself. You went off trying to prove yourself like you weren't enough and that has dogged you. I think you have to learn to accept that it is in the past and you need help with this. It can be seen as an issue in how you struggle in social situations as if you need to be on guard against it happening again and you seem to have some sort of association to even the possibility of you doing it from what you are saying about other women around you. This sounds like lacking self confidence, self worth, self esteem, etc, all the things that mental health conditions have a substantial knock on effect to. Its the same with the feelings of worthlessness, these are classic symptoms in depression and anxiety. The same with being stuck, frozen. I have loads of that, I often say no one other than my family know I even exist and because of my issues with my OCD if I don't keep breaking routines I literally do the same thing day in day out. Earlier on with my OCD I used to say how I could throw the calendar in the bin because it's just meaningless to me. I only need it for birthdays. Honestly, when you talk about how it makes you feel in ways like this, you will find many of us have these thoughts too.

Being hyperaware is a classic one for people with anxiety disorders. It's the fight or flight being engaged too often, too much adrenaline.

They really need to get to the bottom of this and stop passing you from pillar to post. My personal feeling here is that if you didn't have these head crushing episodes, fit type episodes, etc you would have a GP diagnosing some form of anxiety or depression or maybe early on an adjustment disorder later becoming anxiety or depression. Your psychiatrist has seen things in you which don't allow for this type of diagnosis and you need to get to the bottom of this to move forward with treatment. So, have a look at that overview of Dissociative Disorders if you feel you can and see if that rings a bell. If you can't see that as being possible then it's time to go back to the GP with that information and say that is not how you are feeling. The only complication is this referral to neurology. Providing that comes back all clear, challenge the diagnosis of your mental health to see what CMHT say. They should have the ability to make a diagnosis after all.

Ollie28

14-10-15, 09:30

Morning everyone

Can I start off by saying I appreciate everyone's help and time - thank you

In regards to this I'm not ruling out any anxiety illness I'm like terry said stuck in between treatment or help because I'm told I have a trauma related disscocation illness which ok I'm not saying it isn't but then because of all the physical pains and awarness and memory problems I'm having my local mental health team will not try any psychological treatment until everything physical is ruled out - I've had s MRI so I know it's not a tumour and blood tests but they are saying there is room for more investigation - I can't argue i just have to go with it.

I havnt lost all my cognition obviously but I'm not 100% that's why I can't work - my employer medically expelled me because he could tell I wasn't myself things I was doing was dangerous in my job - I couldn't work out the best way to do things I've done for the last 20 years, I was walking away from houses not doing safety checks I mandatory have to do and automatically aware usually I have to do them - couldn't follow familiar journey or figure out or think or process how to get to a certain part of the town I've worked in for nearly 7 years like having no processing if I tried it was like i was trying it hurts but the cogs aren't turning. I'm still like this btw - if I have a idea to do something there's no link between thinking it and actually doing it it's as if my my thoughts and follow on awarness are not connected. Just pain trying. Head pain nerve pain body pain.

Little example I want s holiday with my children our passports have ran out now me saying ok I need to get new passports ok I'm saying it but it's as if it's not storing I can't be aware I need to do it like it's a single thought and it's gone - if I was to say we need passports and I'm going to do it today that follow on thinking and processing creates body pain nerve pain breathing difficulty as I try to do it. It's as if my body wants me to do nothing at all, this is what I was like i work - so if I had to fit a fireplace do the gas work I had to manually think it I had no awarness of where I was up to I had to keep stopping but the pain and cognitive problems got so bad and painfull ild start falling to the side feeling dizzy slur my words lose all awarness lose awarness of the lay out of the house lose processing awarness of my wife and kids like they didn't exist ild be a cognitive mess my apprentice could tell he kept asking if I was ok I lied just to keep money coming in - it got so bad I tried to take my own life one night straight after work. Because I can't live like this I was frustrated in pain no life emotionally and mentally drained! My brain won't process of let me feel like I'm processing anything so I don't get the satisfaction awarness feeling of doing something being somewhere seeing someone 24/7 so I feel
suffocated mentally in my own mind - when I get moments of waking up this is what I get back the awarness and processing feeling part.

I felt about 80% before typing this now u feel 40% just by concentrating inwards my breathing has changed my heads gone inwards in pain the longer I continue the worse I become.

I do think it's blood flow related what else could do this sort of symptom - cognition alteration?

I agree with all your posts I'm trying to take on board everything in told but I have no control over how I feel this is the thing, I'm not in control of what I'm going through. I'm Just dealing with how I feel the best I can until someone says I can help.
I am doing a lot myself to try to deal with it infact I think I think I've learnt so much about the body and brain and nervous system than most mental health nurses. My psychiatrist had actually said to me he's told me more or well my wife and me I struggle to take it in - told us more and we know more then most of the mental health nurses in our local hospital so if i was put in hospital I would only be put asleep drugged up and prob left. This is why I would rather be at home in my own comfort feeling more free because the more trapped i feel already feeling suffocated in my own body and mind is not a good thing.

Im going to chase up my neuro appointments today - I'm also being studied for sleep apnea I know I stop breathing in my sleep I often wake gasping for Air - this could have a lot to do with some cognitive problems maybe.

It's a good job I don't live in the USA - no doubt ild own a gun if I did which some of the pains and perceptions I've felt in the sat 24 months I wouldn't of thougt twice of putting it to my head! And that's a statement of how bad I've Felt!

Disscocation also can be a body's way of shutting down - if the fight and flight isn't enough the body goes down to the reptilian part of the brain and immobilisation and shut down accurs. I could be shut down in a way - this is why I struggle breathing. If you look at a snake in a pet shop with a reptilian brain it sits still emotionless and cold - look at rabbits with a Limbic brain play and cuddles up with others maybe my body was so traumatised emotionally repetitive I've shut down and I'm trying to function but can't. This is why I get episodes of waking out of it the blood flow changes to the rest of my Limbic and human brain........there's a valve in the brain that allows blood flow to pass when under certain pressure.

I'm just talking nonsense.

Let's see what today brings for me.

---------- Post added at 09:30 ---------- Previous post was at 09:13 ----------

I do believe all my anxiety is coming after this illness what ever it is - I wake up I know what to expect so I'm anxious and in fear of being in pain being shut down ect - I think I am depressed also but anyone would feeling like i do.

I don't think the anxiety and depression.come first - this happens to me then I feel cognitive different in a major way in pain then the fear and anxiety of what's happened to me started after so I don't think it's anxiety on its own.

Something has happened to my brain to make me experience such pain and cognitive issues - neurological dissociation is a big possibility but I know the egg come before the chicken with my illness the night it happeded was not a panick attack I felt a snap in my head a click I felt it physically and my body trembled then I become stuck how I feel still today. It was the eek later my pains started after a week on diazepam my brain opens up for that week 1 3 times a day at the end of the week the last tablet it wore off within 30 minutes I fell to the floor screaming in agony it felt like all the blood was draining out of my brain I've never ever experienced anything like it. Possibly my brain shutting down again before the diazepam back in to the state I went in to prior week.

I'm hoping to get a pet scan so fingers crossed it will give me answers or prove I'm not imagining it's blood flow related.

MyNameIsTerry

14-10-15, 10:41

The way you describe it, Ollie, it's like your cognitive control just stops. So, you have something presented and then it would normally start working against it but in your case it doesn't and if you do it, it results in pain. You can clearly override it thought but it takes a load of effort and results in this strange pain.

Obviously, anxiety disorders are "learned behaviour" but can you even learn to do something like that? Maybe thats where the Dissociative Disorder diagnosis has come in? I just can't understand how someone can learn to do that when you look at anxiety disorders BUT there have been cases of what a neurologist had determined were psychological that were extreme. I've mentioned these before on here, but never anywhere near the HA board for obvious reasons. This neurologist was writing a book (I think) and the article was about the strange cases she had dealt with in her career. One was a woman who had suddenly gone blind after a traumatic incident. They worked out that she could actually see as she was responding to stimuli that a blind person wouldn't. There was one with a young person who lost control of their arm. Another one was about a guy who suddenly couldn't walk. These were all ruled as psychological issues after loads of tests but at the extreme end of the spectrum. I think there were some figures quoted of about the % of these cases, but I can't be sure.

So, I guess regardless of everything, if those people can experience such extreme psychological responses, can you see how your problem could still be such a thing? I've always found your symptoms a bit puzzling to be honest, they seemed to extreme to me, but that doesn't mean I would think anything sinister, just possibly more extreme end of the spectrum in terms of severity.

If you took these symptoms out of the equation, I think you would agree anxiety and/or depression, even something like an adjustment disorder, etc could be seen as possible. But then if these symptoms were gone, I think you would be talking more about the the issues underneath than this anyway.

shelzmike

14-10-15, 15:05

I don't have much to add but I did want to address your response to me Terry. I don't think my point came across like I intended it to regarding disassociative disorder. What I meant by nonsense is that increasingly the medical and mental health community keeps segmenting, sub-classifying, etc. different mental illnesses and there is no reason to. In fact, it only makes for good study and story-telling really. The most benefit comes in as it pertains to billing, insurance, etc. I don't think any differently between UK and US. Being 1st world countries, the problem is the same throughout. My point was that sometimes all of these "different" illnesses are so similar but the fact they are classified as such causes confusion and ultimately can lead to what is happening to Ollie here. In any event, I am not debating you on your thoughts about it, only clarifying what I mean. I have experienced it 1st hand with my middle son, who is now 17.

Since he was 5 we noticed mental health issues and he was "diagnosed" as having all the wrong things such as ADD, ODD, ADHD, bipolar, even schizophrenia, etc. None of the treatment for these disorders were working and they never fit. Over the course of a decade we would try one thing, it wouldn't fit, we would move on. I flat out told many of the "seasoned" psychiatry fellows that they were wrong and backed up my statements with points of fact. Granted, he did have some of the symptoms associated with each of those and therapy helped a little with each. Finally, after years of fighting for better diagnoses, he was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder, a rare disorder in and of itself, but exceedingly rare for a child his age. This was good and bad news. Good in that it all fit and everyone was in agreement. Bad, however, because personality disorders are not necessarily easily treatable to a cure or healing. The only option is to learn coping skills and survival skills in the "real world" and even then he will have problems his whole life.

My main point is....a diagnosis isn't always going to magically help someone. With mental health especially sometimes the best thing to do is learn to heal from the symptoms, change the thinking patterns, etc. Whether or not Ollie has an actual neurological disorder, in my opinion, should not stop treatment for the anxiety side as a symptom. This alone will significantly help I believe. The thrashing of daily worry merely compounds and already confusing and frustrating situation. As an example, a patient with MS (like my grandfather) or cancer will have, in most cases, considerable anxiety. Sure the physical illness can cause the anxiety, but the treatment for MS is not the cure or help for the anxiety and they are treated separately.

My suggestion is that, until and while a diagnosis is being made, we know anxiety is involved in some way and significant effort should be made to work on that as if nothing else is the problem, all the while working towards a physical diagnosis is sought. I realize that in this case Ollie has been doing a lot of those things and has been going back and forth getting passed around. However, at what point in time does our healing come from ourselves? Until we can learn to accept, "OK, I have this problem and certainly anxiety is a part of it so I MUST learn to accept that fact and move forward with doing whatever it takes" to seek healing from this aspect of my illness" we will make no strides towards improvement. We will consistently dig the hole we are already standing in as an attempt to escape that very same hole. Logically, this will not work. Easier said than done, I know, but perpetuating our own ceaseless inward brooding in an attempt to get well is worthless.

I wish the best for Ollie and the one thing I am curious about that I have not seen yet is what he was like prior to the discovery of the infidelity or whatever trauma was suffered? This would be certainly telling. If he had none of these issues prior, then I for one would hold no regard whatsoever to any biological problem.

Mike

Fishmanpa

14-10-15, 15:20

What I meant by nonsense is that increasingly the medical and mental health community keeps segmenting, sub-classifying, etc. different mental illnesses and there is no reason to. In fact, it only makes for good study and story-telling really. The most benefit comes in as it pertains to billing, insurance, etc. I don't think any differently between UK and US. Being 1st world countries, the problem is the same throughout. My point was that sometimes all of these "different" illnesses are so similar but the fact they are classified as such causes confusion and ultimately can lead to what is happening to Ollie here.

Agreed. Does it really matter if it's a #1 or a #76 on the classification list? Heck, sometimes it's #1-#50 for some folks! Ultimately, it's cutting through all the BS and getting the help that's so obviously needed regardless of the diagnosis or classification.

Also... as Ollie had written in his first post. Life was good if not great until the incident of infidelity. The dam cracked that day and eventually it came crashing down releasing the torrent and here he is drowning. Sadly, IMO, while we can encourage and support in the written form on this forum, it will require a heck of a lot more intensive professional intervention than anyone here can offer.

Positive thoughts

Ollie28

14-10-15, 17:40

Thanks everyone - all I can say is thank you really and I appreciate everyone's help from day one if posting on here.
Obviously I know no one can help me with this in terms of diagnosis it's such a horrible illness I can barley figure out my own symptoms i just thought with me being told its a "anxiety" illness I turned to this forum for help more to find someone to say it's normal to experience such symptoms and here is how to deal with it or how you get past it.

Obviously if it's anxiety related it's a different sort of illness or case like you guys said and no one on on here can help in such a way through experience just positive words.

I will be obviously attending all my appoinents coming up so I will keep you up to date terry how I get on or anything is found.

Thank you all I wish everyone all the best.

All I can say is imagine your body going so tense now all the blood is forced up in to the front of your head your head feels like it's going to explode all your cognition goes offline other than you know it's happening and there's nothing you can do about it. Your stuck like this - all the lower part of my body is numb I can't physically feel my legs, stomach or bum - my chest and shoulders are so so tense and high I can't breath proper. The more I do the worst is gets - the more I have to process say a room full of prople the worst the pains of trying to think be aware are. My mind races of everything speeds up so so fast I can't make sense of much I have to try slow everything down myself by being aware of myself and my sensations, pains, breathing.
The more that happens the more my breathing goes bad. My vision is so blurry because of the tension.
Now I'm stuck like this now -

The only way out or down from this is by taking myself away from the situation in to a place I feel comfty in - I calm down the tension relieves a bit my breathing isn't as restricted and the bottom half of my body starts to get feelings back as if my blood pressure is dropping down.
I can get to 70% at best but if I was to get up go again boom everything goes back up again - i have thought and felt all along its blood flow related maybe extreme pressure causing the cognition problems and sensations ect but then is my body stuck in a psychological state holding my body in return creating these problems so it's psychlogical & physiological together.

I've just ordered a book on dissociation, I'm ordering a oximeter for the times I feel
I can't breath and feel weak ect, I've bought a blood pressure monitor.

I'm doing everything I can to live with this illness.
Again I feel as if though my body is trapped in a chronic high anxiety hyperaroused state - the blood flow thing is normal in anxiety as as one becomes anxious the blood flow alteres in the brain. When someone goes in to the fight or flight mode the blood shuts off to the frontal lobes this is why when someone is anxious or worried they can't think rational or proper - why when people become angry and go in to fight mode they don't think straight. I do believe my Vegus nerve has a lot to do with my illness too that's the eating side of things and stomach and nerve spine pains I get. I'm going to order the poly Vegal theary book too. This is a lot of what I do now just read quiet relaxed. It's all I can do most nights. Ild never read a book in my life before this lol.

Ollie

---------- Post added at 17:40 ---------- Previous post was at 17:03 ----------

.....noticed something - when I'm in that high state I can't feel no pain or emotion or feelings nothing at all I'm so so tense but it's when my body calms and the tension comes off I feel the pains and sensations ect when I'm at about 60 - 70% I'm stuck in this state between startes my body never goes back to how I've felt all my life - it's as if I hit a high anxious state so so high I'm stuck up in it unable to function. This is dissociation. I think. Not as in a coping method but as in stuck in a high state of anxiety I'm shut down immobilized or shut down dissociated. ??? So it's PTSD of some kind emotional & pshychological trauma realated. I'm stuck in nowhere.

shelzmike

14-10-15, 19:31

I could have completely missed this through all the sentences on this thread, but are you taking any sort of SSRI (or any other meds at all)?

Mike

MyNameIsTerry

14-10-15, 22:31

Mike,

You missed several points.

Ollie is being denied treatment so he can only pursue them to resolve this and get it started or start on his own.

We can debate whether conditions have the right criteria but that's not what we are trying to do - we are looking at Ollie's case and trying to help him. I have no interest in whether the name of the disorder is right or wrong at all in a medical manual BUT it does matter to me that the situation is preventing Ollie getting the care he is entitled to. Remember, its a public health care system here and you often have very little say in your treatment.

Dissociative Disorder is not only about multiple personality. I don't know whether it is in the manual your doctors use or whether that is purely your personal opinion but what I posted is what is accepted and used by countries who use the WHO version. That's not my opinion. So, this gives Ollie something to examine and challenge in a now structured manner than not understanding what they say he has.

Anxiety can be tackled privately now if Ollie wants to make his own start. The same for any depressive elements that are also likely. BUT he can't force the NHS to provide it if they don't believe it is appropriate at this time, whether it's right or wrong because we are largely at their mercy.