Relationships?

[mark84]

Hi,
I just wonder how other sufferers cope with anxiety and relationships, I've not managed to have a successful relationship in ten years because of the fact that I cant quite cope with the whole meeting some one new and going on a date experience(especially as seen as I hate eating in front of others!).
Even though i'm chatty and my anxiety is now only mild to moderate it's a real stumbling block for me.
It really bothers me some times, I don't mind been alone but you know it's nice to have the option to meet some one nice. It feeds my anxiety that I cant do something that's considered normal and healthy that all my other friends can.
So my question is, if you have anxiety how did/do you go about meeting some one you like, and then how do you go about broaching the whole subject of anxiety with them, i'd feel most girls would be put off really quickly if I was open with them, which of course means hiding it- never a good way to start something off!
Has any one resigned themselves to never meeting mr/ms right, because I think even if she's out there I don't know how i'd ever find her.

Thanks for any replies, I'd love to hear them.
Mark.

[nursegreenwhippet]

Omg beginning relationships is really hard. I get confused with exhilaration/excitement and anxiety as I find it so similar. I can't eat at all, especially in restaurants etc. With that person. As soon as I fancy someone I'm a mess of emotional turmoil.
I have now been in a relationship for 12 years and it is brill but what a scenario it was getting there in the beginning! I chucked my partner on numerous occasions as I couldn't cope. Luckily she stayed. She also has issues so we help each other out. I think it's best to be honest from the start about anxiety as if they don't like it there is no point.

[mark84]

THanks for the replies, they're not the great news I was hoping for though!!! :D

[Fishmanpa]

I wanted to reply from a different perspective but it applies to your situation.

The crux of the matter is being Ok with yourself.

When I divorced from my first wife, I inevitably got into that wonderful of all wonderful "rebound" relationships with a woman in the same situation. We often dive in blindly thinking all will be wonderful when in fact, we're dealing with issues that we may or may not be aware of ourselves.

In my situation, I fell madly in love. She cheated on me and I was blindsided. It hurt me deeply and for the next several years, it influenced me in any relationship I attempted to start. Due to that experience, I found it nearly impossible to trust. Even when there were no signs, I would create scenarios and sabotage things. Also, being that my first wife suffered from mental illness (depression and hoarding), I would totally pre-qualify someone based on their mental status. If in the first few conversations I found out they had issues, I was gone! Truth is, we all have issues to one degree or another.

It wasn't until I accepted I had a trust issue and worked on myself that things changed. When I was at peace with who I was, with or without someone in my life, I became an easier person to be with. I also came to the conclusion that we're all whacked to one degree or another. It's when you find someone equally whacked that it seems normal. Think about that one... You meet someone who seems way more together than you and you feel you can't meet their standards or you meet someone who's a hot mess and run like hell ~lol~ My 2nd wife is like a kindred spirit. We're both whacked but equally and it works great :) Also, while I don't suffer from mental health issues, I do have health issues. I was very up front with my wife when we met about that and it didn't phase her. In fact, she's been with me through my 2nd heart attack and cancer and we're closer than we've ever been.

So... to reiterate. Work on yourself. Becoming comfortable and confident in who you are helps clear the hurdles of discussing one's personal life and struggles. When you find someone that accepts you for who you are, flaws and all, then you're on to something good :)

One final thing.... Stop trying! Just be you. When you least expect it is when it will happen. I wasn't looking when I met my 2nd wife. It was a casual on-line acquaintance that turned into the "one".

Positive thoughts

[mark84]

Sorry mate I didn't mean anything bad by it - I just wanted you to know that I understand exactly how you may be feeling at times. But we can't always be like this, not forever

Haha it's ok, I think we're in the same boat.

[csimms]

Im not anxious about meeting people its anxiousness overthinking of things going wrong in the relationship. So I steer or push people away

[GingerFish]

I'm lucky that when I met my partner, my anxiety issues were minimal and didn't really pose a problem but they became bad after we had been dating for a few years at that point. He's very supportive and has learned all my symptoms and knows how to deal with me if I have a panic or something. If I were single I don't know how I would meet someone as I rarely go out to places like clubs, pubs etc. I wouldn't fancy meeting anyone online so I would probably just have to grin and bear it and go out and try and meet people. I'm not a shy person and I'm quite confident so people would suspect I have bad anxiety issues and severe OCD so it would come as a shock to some people and a lot of people maybe couldn't handle it.

[poshpants]

Relationships are always difficult and nowadays people blow hot and cold all the time and give mixed signals which isn't good and doesn't help. People can also be very selfish nowadays and sadly some do back off if you are going through something. I have experienced that a lot myself lately people backing off due to me going through though things, which is just wrong and mean as a good decent person would not be like that they would be supportive and more important treat you normally. I still take the time to bother with people even though I have a lot on my plate but maybe I am not like most people. I have been told I wear my heart on my sleeve to much but I am just me and doesn't make me bad person in fact makes me a very nice person as I am kind an caring even with everything I have going on.
Maybe you could start of as friends with someone hang out a few times. Arrange to met up somewhere and have some fun and just see where it takes you. If it doesn't develop into a relationship as least you will have made a good friend that you can hang out with from time to time x

[KeepCalm]

Hi Mark,

I'm sorry to hear about your issue. I have my own issues dating with panic/anxiety, although from a different angle. . .

I'm female and a hopeless romantic. One of the things I love about panic disorder (if that's not too strong a word) is how sensitive it has made me to the thoughts, emotions and sufferings of those around me.

What I find astounding in my relationships is that, while I'm very visibly dealing with panic attacks and existential issues, the outwardly "healthy" men I'm with aren't really any better off. I realized that many people who don't have these constant alarm signals going off haven't really examined themselves (perhaps they needn't thus far), and can be cruising along while unknowingly anxious or depressed. All that bleeds into relationships with those we love. It's like Fromm said: I'd rather have genuine pain than dulled despair. Panic kind of forces me to confront the former; the latter is the walking dead to me.

So when I get very nervous on dates, or can't hold it together around someone I love, I try to remember how much of a gift panic can be at times and how much more alive it has made me.

I hope this helps. Hugs.

-Lilly

[Jherron]

It just seems like to much work to me being in a relationship. Simply because I can't stand having to answer to someone. I don't know if all relationships are like this. My last relationship ended in 2011. I had been with her for almost 8 years. I went through he father's death from colon cancer in 2007. Unfortunately when my beloved Grandmother developed stomach Cancer I felt like she wasn't as supportive. What ended the relationship was that the day my grandmother passed my ex was at Bar that night. Instead of being home with me while I grieved she was partying with another Man. After that whole ordeal I have remained single and focused on myself. Even though it's been 4 years the wounds are not healed. Hopefully one day I will love myself again and then someone else.

[mezzaninedoor]

Im very lucky in that my wife is very very supportive but I can see how this would be an issue for those younger. My anxiety still ruins things and I will pull out of social or relationship things because of it.

I agree with folks that its best to be honest at the earliest opportunity but perhaps not make too big a thing of it. Hold onto the fact that our mood/anxiety ebbs and flows and there should be good times that you can have in a relationship. With our conditions we have to be brave to get the best out of life ( Im not that good at being brave so thats odd advice from me I guess ).

Hope that makses sense