Treading on egg shells

[elik]

I am so anxious I think I'm boarding on paranoia....

I don't know how to act anymore to get the response I always want, which is the impossible - Perfect.

I have to monitor everything I say because I'm scared that something might be taken the wrong way and people will see me as something bad. I think this all stems from one of my best friends leaving me stranded in London one night when she mistook something I said (which was not horrible, just light banter) and she started reeling off abuse to me. I am still so flummoxed and confused by this that I am now scared of everything I say and what people think of me.

I'm so sad and tired of it I can't win or relax and enjoy because I'm waiting for something horrible to happen or to lose someone I care about, etc.

Its ruining me.

HELP!

[Oosh]

Don't let yourself get carried away. You're feeling sensitive and that's understandable. Who IS going to enjoy their friend taking something the wrong way and reacting badly. It is a painful situation, especially if you're already feeling insecure.

But YOU know you had no bad intentions don't you ?
If your mates taken things wrong and thrown her dummy out of the pram, that's ok, these things happen. I'd try and explain that she took it wrong once and then if she refused to take that onboard I'd say "suit yourself. I've explained you took it wrong. I'm not wasting anymore energy on it".

You really only need to know that you had no bad intentions, make an effort to clear it up, if they don't want to accept what you're saying, then that's their problem. Just be happy and secure in YOUR intentions.

You can have dominant and submissive relationships and some times bossy people want to force their perspectives on you. Have your own perspective. Stand by it. Believe in yourself, your thoughts about things and who you are. Run it by YOURSELF. See if your conscience is clear and if so then it's good enough, because YOU say it is.

Never mind what other people think of what you say, are YOU ok with what you say ? Do YOU know that you mean well etc ? Whatever, whoever you are and whatever you want to say is fine.

You want to be around people who like that real you. It's nice feeling the real you is liked and accepted.

[elik]

Well I think I have just realised that I'm not going to be happy unless I start doing things that make me happy (sounds pretty straight forward really) but my happiness is based on others. Now this has been realised I am panicking because I don't know who I am, what character I am, etc. I have just based my personality around certain people to suit THEM. I'm now so confused and scared if I'm honest. Scared that I'm going to be rejected. Scared that if I voice my opinion more or believe in myself (I have no cruel intentions ever, I would not do anything to hurt anyone) that I will be rejected or people won't see me as nice anymore. I am not someone who gets respect from being acquainted with someone, I have to work hard for respect as I'm not someone people care to care about.... Therefore I try so hard to get them to care, they treat me badly and I allow it...... Pretty messy huh?

[Oosh]

In those private moments when you are honest about how you feel about anything and everything, THATS who you are. You probably don't feel like being that person because of your doubts about it being accepted and respected. So you shape yourself to fit them and gain their approval. But you never earn their respect. You don't feel you're being yourself, you don't feel who you are is liked and accepted and you don't feel you have their respect. That's really not anything to want to preserve. You're not alone, great... but you're perpetually dissatisfied. It's not emotionally rewarding.

People are used to that you. They're used to not seeing you with much respect. So at first they might show some resistance to you changing and blossoming from a caterpillar into a butterfly (sorry hehe but it fits really well).
Maybe that resistance will be in the form of put downs or ridicule and that could put you off. But respect needs to be earned. And that's what you'll get if you keep calm and think your perspectives out well on everything and then share and stand by them no matter what resistance you face.

I think this.
Haha ridiculous blah blah
(Calmly) no. Share your well thought out opinion.
Woo what have you been drinking haha
(Don't be confrontational just continue to illustrate how what you think, how you see things makes sense)
If they actually show a lot of resistance and get insulting etc then continue to stay calm and say "no" and explain how they're maybe just one of those people who wants everyone to agree with them but you're fine with your own perspective thank you very much. Stay calm and just continue to say no.

What you'll earn down that road is respect, from them and for yourself.
In time the decent people amongst them will ACCEPT who you are and respect how you have stood up for yourself. Then REAL rewarding friendships can come out of that that leave you feeling self esteem and emotionally rewarded because you have a clearer sense of who you are, feel that that is liked, accepted and respected. And the next time someone tries to dominate you you may find one of those new style friends sides with you which will be valuable social proof and will cement this new you.

But make sure this new you who you want to be sits right with you. You don't want to see YOU becoming the bossy one, the one dominating others. That's not going to sit right with you or anyone. The bullied (not saying you're bullied) can often end up bullies as they seek to find a position in the group in which they feel secure. LIKE this new you who you want to be.

Maybe you want to become the you who would be there to help, support, befriend and enjoy the you of today. If someone could come along today and be just the person you need, Ie a big sister or older female friend who is everything you need, who would that be, what qualities would she have ? Be that. That's someone you have a high opinion of, so be that and you may find you grow into someone you like and respect.

If after consistently trying to earn the respect of your peers they just refuse to let you have their respect then find new good people who you can relate to who will let you become who you want to be.

[elik]

I don't even know anymore. I can't be bothered to live. I have not had a break from anxiety in ten years. Never happy because something is always screwing up my head with complete ridiculous thoughts. I really am close to just giving up and collapsing into a ball. I do not see the point of my life. AT ALL. I hate everything I am and I think my life is written off and everyone keeps sugar coating it by saying youll be fine. Guess what, I never am, I make it more manageable but it ruins me. I don't have normal life struggles because I don't care about them. I lose stuff, I do stupid things because my mind is scattered by my stupid thoughts and mindset. Nothing seems important because I am just surviving.

I don't think I want to have any sort of existence, I just can't keep trying to be OK and never happy - I just make everyone else miserable too.