LIVING HELL

[smudgie]

Hi

Why do you get so far then go back so many steps you just cannot cope anymore.
I broke completely and my PTSD has developed into PERSONALITY DISORDER without me even realising. I ve had a hard shock many many times in my life and they come back to haunt me over and over again.
This time all the horrors have fallen out the cupboard at once.

I was detained in a unit last September and been in and out to present day.
Im two people that can change like the wind. The real me is soft hearted and a caring person, with all the time in the world for others unconditional, im sensitive, thats what got me in this mess in the first place, not being hard, but do we want to be hard, NO.

I cut myself to bits to release the pain in may mind and keep going until i end up in hospital. I cannot look someone in the face because my mind tells me im so ugly and guttertrash and they really hate me.
I dont eat, do laxatives and constantly self check myself 100 times a day.

My last visit to the unit was because I tried to slice my face with a cheese grater and cut the flesh off my body.

I suffer anxiety everyday and have panic attacks, I feel sick, I have O.C.D, which drives my family crazy watching me.

Im on so many drugs its unbelievable and still cannot get it under control my therapist is trying very hard and so is the unit.

I feel ashamed of my actions but cant stop them.

This week Im having a relapse, selfharming, ocd, manic mind.
Went to the doctors and she said it will go on and time is a great healer, but why can this happen to us, reason other people. Taking advantage of the week and sensitive.

How many of you feel this way and do you think you will brake the cycle of hell.
I would be interested to know .

Thank you for taking the time to read my boring story, but I needed to get it off my chest.

Take care
smudgie

x x x x

ness

friends come into our lifes , friends leave your lifes, but some leave a huge footprint on your heart and never leave your side. i wouldnt be here without them

[rosebud]

Hi

So sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.
Just wanted to send you some hugs.
Take care
Traceyxxx

[ade]

i am so sorry to hear you suffer so much pain,i wish i could take it away for you,
all i can do is send much love,gentle kindness and a big hug to you
all the love under the sun
ade xxxxx:)

[smudgie]

Thank you all for replying and making me feel supported, I certainly found a safe place to air my feelings and dispair.

I dont know what or where I will end up but Im trying so hard to help myself but get dispondent when I get the big knock backs and wonder if I will ever escape PERSONALITY DISORDER. I have been told that because Ive had it so long unknowingly I probably will have to live with it. I have spent hours and hours reading and taking advise, I will certainly take up your kind info on reading material.

I was probably PD since I was abused when I was 9yrs old. My coping wayings never seem to bother me in the past because I never had anyone to care for me.
I have now a wonderful husband, soulmate and best friend, we were friends for 5yrs before we got together. He brings out the ness in me kind caring and sharing, im a peoples person. the vanessa in me is teasy shouting and mrs angry and rage.
I have managed to break that but in a hard way, overdose and resus in HDU for 5 days.The angry of my terrible life soon came out, unfortunately hubby and daughter took the full power of it but have forgiven me.

PD has no cure, its managed with drugs and thearapy and "walking on egg shells " for everyone around me.
Not nice for kind caring ness.
Thank you all again
ness

ness

friends come into our lifes , friends leave your lifes, but some leave a huge footprint on your heart and never leave your side. i wouldnt be here without them