Anxiety/depression severity?

[em1305]

Hi guys, it's a huge step for me joining this forum, and I hope it'll be useful to me and maybe I can help others too.

I don't know exactly what I suffer from, I went through years of severe depression and anxiety as a child and teenager so I feel a little de-sensitized to it, because I spent years not knowing what was wrong or how wrong it was.

I have previously been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I detest going to the doctors and also telling people how I really feel because it never feels like people understand (something I'm sure most of you are familiar with!) So I've never known the extent.

I tried counselling twice, both times I only managed one session before not going back. I've also been on anti-depressants, which messed me up so much I immediately came off them.

I'm 24 now, and it's gotten to the point where I feel completely cut off from reality. I can't get out of my own head. I have self harmed and attempted suicide years ago, but when I was around 19, I thought I'd pulled myself out of depression. Then I went into a relationship with my partner at 22, and after about 6 months I began to feel muddled again. Now we live together and I don't know what's what.

I feel like I can't really feel anymore. I cry, I function (most days) but I can't connect to anything. I get annoyed a lot at stupid things, but I can also waste a whole day on the sofa without giving it a second thought.
This has to change, I can't live like this, I can't even work out what makes me happy anymore. A lot of the time, I question whether or not I even have the capacity to feel happiness anymore.

Basically, I don't want to go to the doctors. I've tried that, and it doesn't work for me. I know I have at least some anxiety and at least some depression, but I just can't tell how severe it is anymore, and I can't focus to find my way back to where I was at 19 again.

If anyone has any advice, I'd be really grateful.

I'd like to add that as far as I can tell, I'm not suicidal - sometimes I'll wish I hadn't been born in the first place, or if I didn't wake up it wouldn't be so bad, but I'm not actively self harming or anything.

[Scaredlady]

Hi.

I'm not depressed, so I can't possibly advise or empathise with you on that front but what I can say is sometimes it's OK to be 'muddled' about life; We don't always need to know each step of our journey before it happens- I think the relaxed approach can often bring about more positives.

I'm genuinely sorry to read that you have suffered with suicidal tendencies in the past but hey, you survived it and came out the other side alive. If you did it THEN, you can do it NOW.

I often hear people question 'What is life about?' or 'Why am I here?', the harsh reality is that none of us hold the monopoly on 'life'- Some people have it hard, others not so much but when all is said and done none of us are here for forever so whatever choices we make we should make them for ourselves, not to appease anyone else.

You say you have a girlfriend and live together but you aren't sure if you're content with that situation or not; So do something different and see if that makes you feel fulfilled and happy. Take up new hobbies, get stuck into a few books, find something to focus on other than your desire to know 'happiness'- You need to occupy your mind with something other than what you perceive to be wrong in your life. Don't focus on what extent your condition has manifested itself to_ Just focus on looking ahead and not getting dragged back into past negative behaviours.

You're 24- Give yourself a chance to live, please.

I'm overcome with deep rooted anxiety but I am not suffering from depression, however anxiety can be so intense and so frightening that some days I feel like you too 'If I didn't wake up...' but I am certainly not suicidal as I love life, I just don't love the fear my anxiety triggers.

This reply won't be the help/advice that you're looking for but it's nearly 4am and my anxiety is preventing me from sleeping, so when I found your post I wanted to respond because by me replying I am concentrating my mind on something other than fear while also trying to show some support to you. It might be 4am and I might be completely knackered but I think I found something constructive to do by commenting on your thread and trying to help.... So I hope you find something to help you ease your worries.

All of the best,
Take Care.

[em1305]

Hi, your reply was great! Sorry it took this long for me to reply back!
I think my main issue is that I don't know how to handle either problem because I don't know where one ends and the other begins.
I feel like it's about time I dealt with both though - as you said, I'm 24 but I don't feel like I function like a 24 year old.

Thank you for the reply!

[jayb1]

I personally really think you need to see your gp again and get help before it gets any worse. I have days when I think to myself I'd be better off dead but I know underneath I don't mean it. I think if you get on some medication your inner fight will come back to you . I wish that I'd got the help I needed, in my case psychotherapy , at 24. This is a great site for just talking your concerns out to get them out of your head . everyone is really friendly and helpful. You know you're a fighter to overcome the suicide attempts. Just try to think of one positive thing each day and tell yourself you will overcome it because you will

[ray.olsen]

Hello there my friend,

It would seem ideal that you go and have another checkup with a clinician. I think a reevaluation is necessary to precisely understood your condition. While reading your case it looks a little bit like borderline personality disorder, I recently met a person who have almost the same case as you, but like I said it's better to be diagnosed before we assume to any conclusion.

Please do try to keep up with the treatment, whether it's counseling or medication, sometimes both is necessary for a more effective recovery. I know that sometimes psychologist seems like they don't understand but they are there for a reason and we need to trust them.

I hope you get better soon. You'll be a part of my prayers. God Bless.