View Full Version : About to have to take a trip, testing every single one of my biggest triggers!
I have no idea...it is the weirdest thing...but I have been planning writing this post somewhere for weeks now and have not been able to do it. I am not sure why! (long post warning, but hopefully it will be interesting and I really just need to get all this out, I think)
Anyway...I currently work for a Global 500 chemical company. I am the Lead site IT Analyst for 19 locations worldwide. The pay, company culture, and job role are literally the best I have ever had in my entire life. Especially the pay, which is 4 times what I have every made in the past :) This was part of the reason I accepted the job even though I knew there was a VERY high potential for travel, which is a huge huge trigger for me. At the time, I felt like the job was too good to pass up for my family's sake and mine and that I could figure the anxiety out later.
I have had GAD w/panic attacks, health anxiety, and agoraphobia for 14+ years now. I feel like I barely hold it together some days, but my doc and therapists have all said they see me as the "model" of functioning anxiety. I really don't feel like it and while I do avoid some things, I do force myself to do things also. This is good, though I wish I could force myself to do more (like, ironically, travel, lol).
I am anti-SSRI after having been on them previously (don't hate on me, I have good reasons, lol) and only take xanax as needed. My mind is one that is constantly thinking...about everything it seems. Always analyzing, always anticipating, etc. I am sure many (most) of you can relate.
So our corporate headquarters is in a different state from the location I work at primarily. Although, in full disclosure, it is a neighboring state and about a 3.5 hour drive from here. But still, for an agoraphobic like me, even a mile or 2 is far enough sometimes!
There is an event all week next week to which only a few of us IT site leads have been invited to. I happened to be a "lucky" one. Word on the streets is that quite a few of the executive IT guys/gals are going to be retiring in some years and those of us who were invited are getting possibly groomed for the position. Not sure I want that, but nonetheless this is still a good opportunity to build rapport and schmooze with the C-level execs at a very large company. I am good at doing this, but suffer from anxiety the entire time.
This has caused a mini-crisis in my regular comfortable world though. I have known about the trip for about 3 months now and have been dreading it, but have been able to forget about it over the months. However, the day approaches (this coming Sunday) that I will have to leave. My anxiety has been running full steam trying to come up with effective and believable ways to get out of going. I could do so without risk of losing my job, but I would eventually have to travel there at some point in my career, so avoiding it is futile really. Not to mention it my logical brain tells me it would be very stupid to not go. It is a great opportunity and career-wsie it will only help me. Unless of course, I become a panicky anxious heap twitching on the floor in one of the many meetings to take place!! :)
The thing is though, while my logical brain tells me I will/can do it, and part of me knows I will, the anxiety part of me is dreading it..and I am very worried about how I will handle it. When thinking about it, I realized this will be quite possibly one of the biggest tests that I have ever had to face in my history with anxiety. It combines some of my biggest triggers along with an extended amount of time that I have to be in the situation. Worse yet, I have to do this completely on my own, no comfort zone nor being able to at least know "I just have to get through the day and I can go home to my family and comfort zone". This is the hardest part for me to get over.
Let me elaborate a bit:
Travel
Driving (hey, at least it isn't flying, right?) is a big trigger for me, especially alone, to a place that is unfamiliar to me, on the interstate/freeway/highway etc. This is mostly my agoraphobia and the utter fear of getting "stuck" either frozen by fear unable to move forward or backward, or getting stopped in a traffic jam or behind an accident for hours. Just typing that gives me significant anxiety.
This trip will involve me driving alone, on a very busy interstate that I have not ever driven on by myself and haven't been on at all in about 5 years and then it was with my whole family and OK (for the most part). I have the option and about 15 minutes shorter drive if I go across the backwoods mountain range and that is probably worse for me, so I won't do it. There is a lot of fog there which always gives me horrible panic attacks when I go that way. The drive will take 3.5 hours (probably more knowing me, bc I will go some back ways to avoid driving on it as much as I can (not the aforementioned mountain way though).
I feel like once I am there, I will be trapped there basically, especially if I have very bad anxiety/panic going there. While i have coping skills, they are very hard to use when driving 75 mph on the interstate. And it is even harder for me to pull over bc then I really feel stuck! I have never been that far away from home myself for such an extended period of time.
Being away from home/family
This is a biggie for me. I am very much a family man and have been married for almost 12 years now. In that 12 years, the longest I have ever been away from my home at night without my family is 1 day! My wife has been away at night for I think 3 nights the longest but I was at home so that was a little easier. For this trip, I will be away from my family and comfortable home for 7 times that long all at one go. Sure, we are a very tech connected family and I can do video chats, etc, but I am not sure if that will make things worse honestly because it will remind me of home!
The hotel I will be staying in is a very s****y resort that the company owns. Golf course, suite rooms, mountain views, pools, 5 star restaurant, bar, club, theater, bowling (I think), etc. but none of this comforts me in the slightest. I feel like a jerk saying that bc the company is paying for all of it but still these things are not important to me.
Huge Expansive Complex
The corporate headquarters also has a lot of chemical manufacturing that goes on there. We are a chemical company and strangely enough, one of my biggest triggers is chemical smells and chemicals in general. Go figure, right? Luckily I work at a plant that makes a product that uses very little chemicals. The campus is absolutely ENORMOUS! There are gates to get in, gates to get out. Everything is secured - almost as much as a prison. Though I know I am "free" to leave anytime and am not a prisoner, my stupid anxious brain doesn't think that way. Large buildings (especially with no windows and with, gasp, elevators) cause my panic to mount very quickly. And I have to be subject to this all week! All the while, mind you, I am with some very powerful executives with whom I feel like I have to put up a non-"weird" impression. So much pressure.....So hard, but feels like I am having to drive myself to a prison physically and emotionally.
Meetings/Riding with Others/Tours/Schmoozing
I very much dislike meetings and that is basically all I will be doing all week. They make the day go by so slowly and the atmosphere is very panic-inducing, especially when it is in an unfamiliar location. heck I have panic when we have meetings in some places in my home plant - ones that I do not usually go into very often. The culture is to go out to eat lunch at restaurants (trigger) every single day, go out to dinners after work, and generally schmooze with everyone. I hate doing all of these things. Perhaps it will take my mind off missing home and make the time go faster as opposed to staying in my hotel room curled in the fetal position the whole time, but still not at all looking forward to it. Tours, Oh..my gosh..don't get me started. I already hate waiting in line, but a tour is like a really long moving line and in a facility that is secured with key badges, etc. and sometimes you have to have a guide it quite literally gives me nightmares.
Health Anxiety
I have a variety of physical ailments that are exacerbated by my anxiety disorder and are exceedingly worse when under high stress. On rare occasions, I get migraine with aura and when this happens at work, my only option is to get my wife to come pick me up as I cannot do anything but go home and recovery. Due to the special type it sometimes gives symptoms of a stroke and it literally kills me with anxiety/panic which makes it so much worse! I have IBS which causes me to sometimes have to pull to the nearest wherever and use the bathroom. And finally, my biggest problem here lately is these weird stomach flutters that my GP says are PVCs. I have been having them a lot more recently (daily) and they scare the ever-loving crap outta me. I try to trust my doc that they are PVCs, but they cause my anxiety to rise, which causes them to be worse and it is an evil cycle. It's just weird though bc I do have palpitations when I have anxiety/panic and I feel those in my chest not 2 inches below my sternum and these feel like hard spasms. It sucks.. My only recourse is to retreat somewhere safe and they will eventually subside. I won't have this option. I don't want to end up in the ER on my trip, looking like a fool in front of everyone. I can barely deal with it in my comfort zone. :(
I don't know how I will do it, but the added pressure of HAVING to do it makes it worse I think. And the pressure of feeling like I have to uphold the traditional professionalism. These are people that I have to work with every single day and I don't want to make a fool of myself.
The one and only "OK" thing that I can think of is that I will be among people that I know. My boss will be there and some other guys on my same positional level will be there also. So that small amount of familiarity will be beneficial I think; however, since I am a very inward person (you wouldn't know it if you met me because I can chat and interact and talk with the best of them, but I am usually freaking out inside) I am not sure how much this will help. I suppose I could say that it could be worse - I could have to fly and go to a different country and with no one that I know.
I am just not looking forward to this at all. I am trying to get myself excited about it, but am failing miserably. I don't know what to do.... Each day that goes by is one day closer and I feel out of control over slowing it down, as dumb as that sounds. In the morning, I usually wake up feeling OK about it, but as the day goes on, I get more and more worried about it. At night, laying in bed, I don't want to go to sleep bc that just means another day closer....
WOW, I had no idea this was going to be THAT long of a post; hopefully a few of you will make it in this far!
Mike
I've made it this far and I can totally empathise with your feelings of utter dread. What also shines through is your bravery in facing this full-on. Putting on a face in public when internally you are screaming is very challenging and you are going to have to sustain this "front" in a professional capacity over a period of time..It's huge for you but I sense you will front it out and cope with whatever is thrown at you? I know all about anticipatory anxiety but my anxiety endures throughout-after a while the symptoms become farcical but I use internal humour to get me through and just think "what the hell". I would also hate others to know just what I was going through and prefer to keep myself to myself in case I lose it in public but I haven't (quite) so far..:D
You're going to make this journey by hook or by crook and the sooner the day of departure arrives the sooner the ordeal will be complete. You don't need to be told to go with the flow as you've already got things very well sussed. You'll of course be absolutely shattered afterwards!
I really wish you well and maybe things won't be as challenging as you imagine? With your insight and bravery you deserve as much success with this trip as possible and I do wish you all the very best!
Hello :) let me start by saying I feel your pain. I too suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and also OCD. All of things you mentioned gave me anxiety just reading them because they are all major triggers for me as well.
Travel for me is almost impossible and last year my family planned to go on vacation a 13 hr drive away and I feared it from the day we planned it. I never ever thought I would survive it. Now this is totally different because I was going with my whole family but my point is that I did survive it because I didn't want to ruin it for them. I managed through with a lot of anxiety most of the time but I somehow made it! Once I was back my local agoraphobia was much better and I was able to do more things on my own and go farther out of my comfort zone. This could be a chance at recovery for you :) once you realize what your capable of it builds your confidence and you are able to do so much more. I think it's totally awesome that you took this job in spite of all your fears. I think it's a sign that you're ready to do this :yesyes: We are so much stronger that we give ourselves credit for. Just think of all the things that you have gotten through in the past... This soon will be one of them :yahoo:
Remember you can always post here if your feeling bad and for me calling someone and having them talk to me about any random thing helps sometimes too. Good luck and keep us posted:D
We certainly have found the readers in the group, that is for sure! (Still can't believe how long that was). I really appreciate the time you both took to read it all!
The thing is with me that sometimes I seem to do a little better in a situation when I feel I have no choice. Yes, it seems counter-intuitive and maybe I am just trying to be optimistic in a way but whatever helps right! I will be candid in saying that back some years ago - more than a decade honestly, I got in some really stupid trouble with the law (had never before, nor ever since - not even a speeding ticket!). On an aside, I firmly believe my poor decision to do what I did was very much influenced by the SSRI I was on at the time, but that is a story for another time. Anyway, I had to spend 3 weekends in the county jail. I had never been before and one could imagine my worry prior to the "visits" :) Surprisingly, I was able to handle it reasonably well - as reasonably as any mild-mannered, usually law-abiding citizen would. Granted, the time was from Friday at 5:00 to Sunday at around the same time, but I was literally locked in a cage and I fared OK. But sometimes it is hard for me to feel better knowing that. The way my mind works is that I rationalize that. I was 23 years old. Yes I had anxiety, but I sit here now an older 36 year old who has been battling and sometimes feel very weary from anxiety. My point is that sometimes when the choice and chance exists to escape, like making up a reason no to go, turning back when it gets hard, etc. makes the situation all the more difficult for me.
Zaldagirl, thanks for sharing your experience with your family vacation. 13 hour drive! WOW! That is hard to take even for the most seasoned road traveler. I do know what you mean in that it is slightly "different" because you were with your whole family. About a month ago, my family and I took a vacation to the beach (that is fantastic once I get there!) that is a 6 hour drive from home. It is a very straight, very boring, very rural and in-the-middle-of-nowhere trip. I did it, but not without more than my usual needed dose of xanax :( And even then, there were times that I had significant anxiety. I never had a full blown panic attack (thanks xanax), but sometimes the extreme pre-panic anxiety can be worse because it lingers for so long. There were a couple times that I needed my wife to take over driving who herself has anxiety disorder somewhat but she can always take over if need be. It was for about a grand total of 2 hours out of the total 12 there and back.
I would love to tell myself that because I made that trip, I can do this one but my mind won't buy it. My consciousness knows that was different. Although, I was thinking last night that I do feel a little more pressure when taking family trips because not only am I responsible for myself, I am also responsible for keeping my family safe and not ruining their experience with my stupid anxiety as well as not worrying them with it either.
I do know that the time is approaching quickly and I feel most days as though I am floating on a river and that I am slowly, as each day passes, getting close to the waterfall that I know is coming up.
I am trying to focus instead on when I return - the things I need to do, holidays, big projects at work and hopefully a sense of major accomplishment that will, like you mentioned as well, help me recover. Only time will tell and although I know I am ultimately responsible for the success or lack thereof regarding my anxiety I also know that the disorder part of me makes this hard. I am trying to do everything I can to look at this as an adventure and get excited about it. This is proving a difficult task!
Mike
I find it interesting that you think your bad decision earlier in your life was SSRI related... I too feel that I was able to make some very stupid decisions while taking them many years ago.
Anyhow, I can relate to everything you're saying. And yes, that 13 hr drive and week away from home last year still seems unbelievable to me. This coming from a girl who had trouble walking my dog around the block at one point! I too only enjoyed, maybe a couple hours of the whole vacation. You seem very intelligent and you understand your disorder well. You can see it for what it is which is awesome. I really think you've got this :yesyes:
---------- Post added at 13:58 ---------- Previous post was at 13:56 ----------
Btw... I prayed before our trip that if I made it back in one piece I would kiss the ground when I got home. And you better believe my crazy @ss physically kissed the ground when I got home! Lol
I appreciate the kudos and kind words. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on anxiety and panic and what it is, but that is only logical thinking. Since anxiety is an emotional reaction, "in the moment" it is so hard to deal with at times. Again, my biggest problems aren't so much the panic attacks themselves - it is the mounting anxiety that precedes and follows it :/
As far as the SSRI thing, while not wanting to derail what i have going on here, I am all but convinced it had an extreme impact on my decision making. At the time I was on Effexor, it was about 5 months into my prescription and also the same amount of time into my anxiety disorder (officially diagnosed anyway). While it only helped slightly with my anxiety, I had the traditional side effects of being emotionally "blunted" - I wasn't anxious all the time, but I also was not happy, sad, excited, caring, [insert any emotion here] - I was just "there" if you know what I mean.
I was just out of high school (well, by about 4 years) and growing up, I was in National Honor Society, very high level classes, graduated 4th out of my class, volunteered for the red cross and the local rescue squad for years, was in the marching band, etc. I had never been in trouble with the law prior and, as I mentioned, never since - not even a speeding ticket. So clearly the case can be made crime was not in my repertoire, nor did it match my personality. I had never been in a fight, wasn't violent, etc. One day, for some God only knows reason, I decided it would be a good idea to forge a few checks from the small business that I worked for. I was in a spot where money was a bit tight. I remember doing it, I am not going to say I am absolved of that, but it was almost like I had no conscious at the time, my sense of fight or flight (meaning, the part that tells me this is a bad idea) was completely non-existent. Plus I was smart enough to know it would never work - or I would never get away with it. Yet I still did it. The single worst decision I have ever made - and it only took 1 decision. I was caught, arrested, and charged with 6 felonies. I still think that a felony for that is a bit egregious. It was a total of like $267. Not justifying it, but still. I am not a convicted felon and it has made my life waaaaaaay harder than it needed to be. It doesn't bother me too much anymore because anyone that knows me (that I care what they think) knows this was not in my character. In spite of all that, I have carried on and am doing better now than I ever possibly thought was possible. I am blessed in that way for sure.
Anyway, the one thing that always bothers me is that I cannot figure out why I did it. Why I didn't stop and why I did something so out of my element. Then I started putting 2 and 2 together and started researching. At the time, Effexor was very new, and no one truly knew the long term effects or how it effected everyone. Come to find out, as time has gone by there have been cases just like mine and people have sued the company for the same reason. And..here is the kicker...MANY of the mass shootings, as well as the Germanwings plane crash (on purpose) have been perpetrated by people on some sort of anti-depressants. No conclusive proof, of course, but it sure is worth a look if I ever saw it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am not responsible. That is not who I am. I mean I did it, did my time, paid my penance and moved on. But I firmly believe that if I was not on Effexor I probably would not have so easily gone down that path.
Mike
Oh, on a final note...I am sorry you only enjoyed a few hours of the vacation. Once I got to our beach house, I had a great time! A little anxiety, but not much. Probably because of environment as well as the fact that my sons and I surf and that is A LOT of exercise, especially for the out of shape, slightly overweight 36 year old that is me. It was just the getting there and even coming home that was hard at times.
Sorry about your experience. I have often wondered about such things. When I was on them I didn't care one way or another about anything. Which made me make some risky decisions that I regret as well. I didn't have panic attacks until I discontinued them and they have been a part of my life (on and off) ever since. I'm convinced there is a connection but there is no way of knowing. I have trouble trusting meds at all now. Anyhow sorry to get you off topic.
Hi,
You are me.
Everything you describe, I have endured.except you are far braver and are still 'fighting'..and succeeding.!!
I unfortunately gave in, and agoraphobia won..for a time. But I am on the way back up! I didn't do the holiday thing bc I didn't want to risk destroying my family's holidays by panicing all through them or worse still making them all return home early!
Anticipatory anxiety is the worse. If we can control the what iffs by distraction etc, we have a chance of not allowing the catastrophising become reality. I totally understand your outward persona to your colleagues, whilst you are screaming inside. But, every person has their own Achilles heel. Believe me ! If benzos work for you, take them. This, as you say, is extreme so do anything you can do to ease your time away.
Have you tried betabockers? Whilst benzos, will help reduce your overall daily anxiety, propanalol will reduce your adrenaline response to (illogical) perceived threats, and may help reduce negative thinking.
I take them now, and there are no SEs (unless you're asthmatic).
I can rooting for you, and will be here, online if you need to rant, vent I just talk. X
I appreciate the insight and the kinda words. The hardest thing for me right now is thinking about the drive on the interstate. I feel this might be my biggest hurdle. I mean, I believe I will have some pretty significant anxiety while there, but I do know a lot of the people (though no one knows about my anxiety disorder) so I might be able to survive. However, I did take a look at the layout of the floor that I will be on and it is nothing but like 500 cubicles with no windows on the wall. Ugh.
The thing with the interstate, my brain keeps going to driving in a bit of traffic, at higher speeds, and feeling that lost/isolation/lonliness and hammering anxiety and feeling so trapped. I absolutely HATE this feeling. I am planning on taking Xanax beforehand and hope that will work enough to get me to the hotel.
As far as beta blockers...well, I haven't ever taken them and not sure I could. I have lower (not low as in worrisome) blood pressure and I have heard of the potential for fainting on beta blockers and one of my biggest triggers is fear of passing out. Well, it used to be like an all the time worry, but now I only fear it when I feel like I am going to. In fact, I had an episode when I was 19 (almost 20 years ago) where I was in a store and just passed out, didn't even feel faint beforehand. Well, I did, but it happened in like 5 seconds. I was only passed out for, I was told, maybe 1 or 2 seconds. I refused to go to the hospital (for reasons) but I believe this feeling of being out of control is what was the event that would eventually lead to my anxiety disorder.
I have been trying to get my self confidence up by almost being cocky in my thoughts towards all of this, which is weird bc that is completely not the type of person I am but I have never tried to build myself up like that so I figure it might help and I may find a middleground of "normal", lol. I dunno. It's gonna be a challenge but I think I can do it, I have to do it really. I don't know if that makes it any easier or worse for me.
Mike
Hi
Is there anyway you could share a lift with someone? Or would that leaves you more anxious?
I understand that trapped feeling on the interstate, and your motorways go on for ever. And really there's no point stopping for a breather cause in the end you've still got to reach your destination?
Perhaps you could listen to your favourite music and sing along..at full volume. Lol. Deep breathing musical exercises will help to reduce anxiety!
Yes. Beta blockers can lower bp, so that might rule them out. Not sure if there are some that don't lower bp.
I am a bit concerned that you are taking benzos whilst driving as its recommended not to. Perhaps it would be better to take them the night before, to give you a relaxed night sleep and a less anxious start to your day/week.
I have taken Valium when driving too. It was the only way I could force myself onto the next stage of my exposure therapy.
I took 2mg valium on two seperate occasions. The dose didn't touch my anxiety. And I don't believe it affected my driving ability. The police here are tightening up drugs n driving.
It is common in the UK for drs to prescribe propanalol for people sitting their driving test.
I do admire your tenacity, to push toward and NOT let anxiety beat you. You are living a life. GO YOU!!
Yes do big yourself up. You deserved to. Look at the good job you have, excellent salary and better quality of life YOU are providing for your family. you are obviously very capable and suitable for promotion if/when those other posts come up.
I do have various coping distractions when driving, but sometimes they fade into the background amid my racing thoughts and anxious brooding. I actually have 2 (maybe 3) full recordings by Dr. Claire Weekes. I have other things as well. I am sure there are others from my office going to the corporate offices this same week as well; however, there are so many people here that it is hard to know who, but quite a few of us go every week/day, etc. However, even if they do go they probably won't go down until early Monday morning. Since it is only 3 hours drive, most people prefer to drive down in the mornings, leaving at 5 AM. My requirements are different though, there is to be a big meet and greet at some fancy restaurant for dinner Sunday evening when I arrive.
I would say that if I knew the person I was riding with fairly well, it would be better. Surely, I would have anxiety just the same, perhaps not as much, but as a passenger, it would allow me to use all my mental and emotional energy to focus on passing through the panic. When I am driving myself, this is a bit harder because I have to use some of my brain to keep up with the stimuli associated with driving.
As far as benzo's while driving, I actually use a relatively small dose and since I take Xanax, they don't make me impaired really at the doses that I take. I have my limits on what I do take at any one point in time and actually break them in half when I need them. I have been taking them as needed for about 14 years now so i am comfortable with how they affect me. If I take my regularly prescribed does of .5mg in a 4 hour time frame (always take half of one and then another half at 2 hours if pre-panic and anxiety still persists), but after that, I would have to be in a REALLY bad position to take anymore for the rest of the day. I don't have a lot of side effects at all with that amount. They do not make me sleepy or groggy while they are doing their magic, but at the end of the day, I usually fall asleep quickly and sleep very hard and it is difficult to wake in the morning. (I am already a heavy sleeper as it is and this only compounds the problem).
I had planned on taking a weekend trip down there with my wife and daughter just to re-familiarize myself with the trip but unfortunately that didn't work out. I have driven this route before, quite a few times in my life, though not many times since my anxiety disorder has been present and zero times by myself (since my disorder has been around). I believe I may have made 1 or 2 trips to the same area on the same road by myself a few years before I had my panic attacks set in.
I have driving just as far on the same interstate, but in the opposite direction to just outside of Washington, DC by myself for a job I had about a decade to 8 years ago and I made it each time - each time I had horrible anxiety, I remember it well (perhaps the reason I am so anxious about it now?). However, I keep telling myself that I did indeed make it though.
The bottom line is that it would be foolish of me to think I will have no anxiety on the trip no matter how much that would be a relief. I just wish that I wouldn't have to endure it. At times I realize how stupid it is. Not that we are, but that just that we have to endure a misplaced reaction to a natural body phenomenon!
I plan on keeping the thread updated throughout my trip in case anyone else finds themselves in a similar situation in the future. That, plus I am sure that even if this trip goes off without a hitch that I will have another business trip and have the same feelings, so I can use this to help myself as well!
Mike
I think you're absolutely brilliant. The anticipation is the worst don't you just wish you could be told about this the day before ! All I can offer is the usual . relaxation music in the car , pull over and do breathing exercises and take the benzo ! When you're there breathe a huge sigh of relief get on the phone to your wife and kids and say I've done it. While you're there i am sure your work personality will take over ,exhausting as it is, and at the end of the day you can retreat to your room and get back on the phone home. Remember you have been chosen for this other people see you as "up to it" and you will be. I've not been able to travel for 10 years and my radius of movement is about half a mile if I can walk there so what you're going to do will be my inspiration (no pressure haha) to get better. Good luck will you please tell us how it went when you get back?
Strawberry_3
16-10-15, 21:50
Reading your post made me cry, I think this is because I can relate to every single part of it. I can relate to this especially: "I just have to get through the day and I can go home to my family and comfort zone".
Although you might feel situationally trapped, you can, really, leave to go whenever and wherever you want.
What I find can help is to make a clear-cut list of how the situation could be worse. For example, you'll still be in a country with developed healthcare if 'worst case scenario' was to happen.
I wish you so much luck on your trip. Don't set your expectations too high for being able to cope 100% immaculately with all of it, but do have faith that you can deal with any panic without succumbing to the 'worst case scenario' thoughts.
You can do this :)
I think you're absolutely brilliant. The anticipation is the worst don't you just wish you could be told about this the day before ! All I can offer is the usual . relaxation music in the car , pull over and do breathing exercises and take the benzo ! .......and at the end of the day you can retreat to your room and get back on the phone home. ..... I've not been able to travel for 10 years and my radius of movement is about half a mile if I can walk there so what you're going to do will be my inspiration (no pressure haha) to get better. Good luck will you please tell us how it went when you get back?
Thanks, though I am not sure I would say that about myself! It is funny, each day that goes by, my anticipatory anxiety shifts its focus. Additionally, it comes in waves. I will wake up feeling OK, but then remember that I am one day closer and start to worry a bit. One thing that may be a good sign is that my anxiety hasn't really been "anxiety" so to speak, rather it has just been worrying thoughts. I haven't had extreme anxiety or panic attacks because of it yet, but not sure if that will last. I hope so though. Other times during the day, I will be working and my mind will be focused elsewhere, but then here comes the thoughts, knocking on my conscious, reminding me I "should" be worried according to my anxiety disorder...what an a**hole it is! And if I should say so, I am getting quite annoyed with it being there all the time!
As I mentioned, my worries change focus over the time preceding the trip. First I was most worried about it all in general, then more worried about the actual drive (still am worried about this), but my focus today for some reason has been the being alone in the hotel part and sleeping by myself in a bed for the longest period of time ever in 15 years! I try to tell myself that there will be people in the same hotel as me that I know or that, if needed, there will be people at the front desk. I would not want to wake anyone in my family if I needed to talk in the middle of the night so I could possibly go and chat with the front desk folks just to get my mind focused on something and not feel so lonely. I dunno. I always have these "plans" or "in case this, I will do this" but I never use them, which I suppose is a good thing.
And I feel no pressure. I am actually honored that I could even possibly be any type of inspiration to anyone. In some ways, it gives me added purpose and a goal that I can work towards. And while I cannot make any promises, of course, I will do my best! And I will certainly update when I get back but I will have my laptop and phone with me the whole time, so I plan on writing something at least once a night while there to sort of log the day.
Reading your post made me cry, I think this is because I can relate to every single part of it. I can relate to this especially: "I just have to get through the day and I can go home to my family and comfort zone".
Although you might feel situationally trapped, you can, really, leave to go whenever and wherever you want.
What I find can help is to make a clear-cut list of how the situation could be worse. For example, you'll still be in a country with developed healthcare if 'worst case scenario' was to happen.
I wish you so much luck on your trip. Don't set your expectations too high for being able to cope 100% immaculately with all of it, but do have faith that you can deal with any panic without succumbing to the 'worst case scenario' thoughts.
You can do this :)
I appreciate the words of encouragement. You know, the "outs" I plan and give myself have always been present. I mean I have never really done any of them that I recall. Like for instance, if I get stuck in traffic on the highway or something (like behind an accident or something), I always tell myself I have options. I could pull off to the side and just start walking towards the nearest civilization and figure it out after that ( I have never come close to doing this, but I always think it is an option). Or I could just get out and find someone else stuck and strike up a conversation, though that might be a little creepy at first! HAHA!. Or I could leave my car and go to the other side of the highway that is still moving and try to hitch, but again these ideas are so outlandish when I type them now, but in the moment they seem plausible!
I have been working really hard on reading my anxiety and phobia workbook and listening to Claire Weekes and other things related to coping.
One thing I feel though is that this may be a breakthrough for me if I get through it. I want to be able to get through it without being terribly drained so I can really tell myself that this was a huge success and if I did this (which I WILL, dammit!) then I can do anything. I don't need anxiety in my life anymore!
.................................
So here I am 36 hours until I have to leave and right now, I am fairly calm, though do have some worrying thoughts. I feel tomorrow might be hard as I have to pack and be sure I have everything that I need and I have to travel to a city about 40 minutes away to pick up my rental car for the week (I hope it is a good one or I get a free upgrade!) My biggest worries right now are still the drive and how I will feel there the first night, though I may be so exhausted that the first night might not be as bad as the other nights. So here goes nothing. I plan on doing my best to NOT worry about it tomorrow, but I highly doubt that will be easy at all.
I keep thinking that there are several other of my colleagues going (and coming from much further away) and I feel like they probably aren't thinking the way I am at all. It is no big deal to them and they are probably even excited about it and it doesn't make me envious as much as it does just sad, pissed off in general that I can't just be "normal!" I am working really hard on just being in the now, not thinking about the past experiences I have had, nor anticipating or having predicting thoughts for the future. After all, its all of these past and future thoughts that feed the anxiety to begin with and do not allow us to relax!
Mike
Hi mike,
I have a family member who regularly travels abroad for work. They are "normal" without anxiety, but still hate the 'loneliness' And unfamiliarity of strange rooms. So you almost certainly will not be alone in those feelings. My bet is other people use the bar facilities to overcome these feelings.
Perhaps you could use xanax at night as aa sleeping aid or perhaps buy a sedating antihistamine OTC just to get u through the first night. (If, it actually is bothersome-anticipatory anxiety?)
Well now, isn't this a slightly ironic twist of the situation. I think I might have the beginning stages of pinkeye (aka conjunctivitis)! I can't believe it. I don't have any strong symptoms yet, but my I noticed when my wife and daughter and I went to eat and I went in the restroom to wash up. I was looking in the mirror and noticed that my right eye was really red in the corner and the rest was clearly pinkish. It hasn't really been itchy so much though there has been a little bit of pressure feeling in it.
The thing is, it is highly contagious, not to mention not very appealing to the eye (no pun intended) of others who may be around. Doctors will tell you to not go to work until it start going away. This makes things interesting to say the least. I have not told my boss yet as I am not set to leave until tomorrow afternoon around 2 PM (only 15 hours away :/ ) I do have seasonal allergies from time to time and have sneezed a few times today but my eye never does this like this anyway. I figure I will wait until tomorrow morning when I wake up bc I feel like if it is pinkeye, I will definitely know. If I do have it, I will call him and find out what he wants me to do.
This is an unfair predicament and has caused another battle of thoughts in my head. On one hand, my anxiety mind thinks, "well this works out - an actual legitimate reason I can't go." However, I am not sure if I am OK with this. I mean, it would be GREAT if I could, but I have been building this up for a week now and working really hard to prepare myself for it. I mean, eventually I will have to go there sometime anyway and I feel like I am ready to use this as a significant achievement in the pathway to healing. On the other hand, of course it would be nice to not have to go. Ugh! We shall see what happens. I mean clearly, if I do have pinkeye I shouldn't be around anyone and don't want to pass it on to coworkers or the executives I will be with all week.
..................................
So, on another note...what I did today. My anxiety levels today have been OK actually. I mean, I have been having the worrying thoughts come in quite frequently today but have been working hard to just bypass them. For me this is somewhat easy to do because I am not leaving right now, if that makes any sense. I am worried that I will feel OK until right before time to leave and then, of course, on the way. I would say my overall anxiety level has been about a 2-3 (on a scale of 10) most of the day. I feel this is pretty good.
I have not really packed yet though, I need to do that here in a minute. This might start the anxiety, but I hope not. My wife, daughter, and I drove into the big city about 30 minutes north of here today so that I could pick up the rental car. I did take a half a xanax pill before we left because usually I have some anxiety and near panic to panic when we go there. Plus, there is about a 10 mile stretch of actual highway that I have avoided for years when we go into town. I usually go the long way around (turns 10 minutes into 30 or more). Today, I decided I was going to take it. Might as well, right? I am going to have to do about 20 times that distance tomorrow. Sort of a pre-test as it were :) Plus, they are doing construction in several areas in the 10 mile stretch, closed lanes, more dense traffic, etc. I just wanted to see how I would do. I actually did very well I think. I had a little bit of increase in anxiety, maybe up to about a 4-5 on a scale of 10, but no real symptoms other than what I call fuzzy vision and slight dizziness but nothing that really freaked me out. I did start having intrusive thoughts about panic attacks and sort of fearing them, but it never happened.
We had to go into the airport to get the rental car. Being in the airport usually gives me pretty big anxiety feelings but my daughter wanted to watch the planes so I used it as another test again. This is probably where I had the most anxiety symptoms such as an off-balance feeling and slight fogginess, but still not even close to near panic at all.
The rest of the evening was fairly uneventful except when we were coming back and I had to merge back onto the 10 mile highway stretch. I felt my anxiety and near panic rising and got hot/flushed a bit. My daughter loves when I get rental cars and she was riding with me while my wife was driving the other vehicle. I always get these super-responsibility feelings when my daughter is with me alone. I felt my body getting a little tense and my mind getting ready to race, but I handled it. I didn't fight it really and tried to just float with it and within very short order it went back down and I was fine, just on higher alert, as I call it.
We went to the store as I wanted to get some new luggage and I got a couple of nice pieces. I usually have anxiety in this store as well and I didn't. I am hopeful that this is a good sign, but all of these things were in a comfort zone for me today and my wife was with me, so I feel it is different. And, as we all know, the stupid ebbs and flows of anxiety....one day will be good and you will be helpful, then suddenly something will happen the next day that makes the good day seem like it never happened. I hope this doesn't happen.
Anyway, signing off for tonight...I must start packing and getting things together. My eye is starting to get kind of worse so only time will tell.
I feel like I am ready to do this, I know I can, I just pray that it is an uneventful trip and that it goes by quickly.
Mike
Well, the day has come. I have about 3 or so hours before I leave and my anticipatory anxiety is quite high. Higher than it has been so far and higher than I had expected unfortunately. I am trembling a bit, palms sweaty, increased heart rate, intrusive thoughts. My anxiety is telling me I can't do it, or that it is going to be bad. I think it started when I napped out my trip last night. I slept OK, though had some stressful dreams. Not nightmares, but just stressful dreams is the best way I can put it. I woke up before my alarm by about 30 minutes, which I literally never do. Anxiety started almost immediately.
I'm not freaking out, but the urge to call off the trip is very strong right now. The pinkeye situation is still an unknown, but I don't think it is major as it has not worsened or improved during the night, which, if it was anxiety, it would have I am sure.
I need to start my routine now, shower, breakfast, pack the car, etc. I think I will take a half xanax soon to hopefully quell this anticipatory anxiety. More updates to come....hopefully good ones.
Mike
Sending positive thoughts to you . I would take half the xanax it may just ease up the symptoms. We will all be thinking of you. You can do it BUT if you must think of yourself first . remember you work to live not live to work. You've got the "too dangerous to drive with conjunctivitis" get out clause . best wishes. Jay
Good luck on your journey mike.
Your anxiety ebbed and flowed yesterday. But you achieved what you set out to do, including driving on parts if motorway you didn't like.
So, take this as a positive confirmation that you can and will do it today x
MissyMischief
18-10-15, 21:38
Hey, I just wanted to say good luck! I think your are very brave to challenge yourself like this, and no matter what happens on your journey (good or bad), give yourself a giant pat on the back!
I'll be sending positive thoughts your way! Take care!
An update....well, something happened....and I am not sure how I feel about it. So, I had gone through the motions, packed all my stuff, loaded up the car and had a more-emotional-than-I-had-anticipated farewell with my wife and daughter. I had taken a xanax a few hours before and my anticipatory anxiety was not as bad, but I did feel more sad than anxious, if that makes sense. Although my mind was still trying to decide how I was going to cope.
About an hour into the drive, which actually still happens to be in my comfort-zone, I get a text from my boss. This was strange, I thought, as he was supposed to be on an airplane flying in. He asked if I could chat, so I pulled over. This was literally right on the very edge of my comfort zone, I was about to enter the part of the trip that I was worried about the most. The irony will present itself soon...
We started chatting and apparently there was a consulting company coming up this week, today in fact, on a project they needed my help with, though I was completely unaware as no one told me about it. Long story short, this meeting and work was already scheduled and they couldn't do it without me and I probably could have completed the work remotely, with the meetings I was supposed to be in, it would have made it difficult. So the decision was made that I turn around and not attend the meeting! Can you believe that! Of all things!?
Sure, at first, it might seem that it was a blessing since I was so worried about it, but was it? I worry that inadvertently, this reinforced my anxiety about this trip that I will no doubt have to make in the future.
Driving back, I had some thinking and time to reflect on the entirely of the plight I went through that week. It really has been an enlightening experience to say the least. I realize that I have merely "lived with" and "made it through" for these past 14 years with anxiety, but it always seems to have the upper hand - it is always there in some fashion. Inside my comfort zone, I am golden for the most part - I can manage nearly all things that come my way. I was complacent with this and have been lying that I have been "better". In reality my anxiety exists outside of a sphere of comfortability to a level I cannot handle. In other words, I stop just short of the top of the hill of healing. Not just dealing with - but real true healing. My self-confidence is near absent outside of this sphere and I realized I have been missing so much! Additionally, I realize that nothing in my life will change unless I push past this wall and move toward full healing. Not healing from any anxiety - that is impossible - anxiety is a natural human phenomenon that 99.999% of all human beings past & present deal with. Rather, healing from the disorder.
I am quite honestly sick and tired of being sick and tired but I know that I am the only one to blame for not fully moving forward. There are things I need to do, to ACTUALLY do, like exercise, meditation, EXPOSURE, nutrition & diet, mindfulness, etc. I have gotten by in the past by "cramming" for the exam, so to speak. I need to work on these things as my hobby, as integrated into my life on a daily basis as possible.
I do not know exactly where to start but I need to start somewhere and life is too short for me to spend it worried about actually living it! I am done with anxiety ruining mine and my family's life. I am done with letting it bring my confidence down. I cannot predict the future but only the present.
I KNOW all the facts about anxiety, panic etc. I am darn near an expert with all the research I have done, but I need to actually start applying all the skills that I know so I can use them to my advantage.
Today is truly the first day of the rest of my life as is tomorrow and the next day. I need to stop floating on the current of panic and start swimming. It won't be easy. There will be times that I fall down, but I must get back up. I do not want to look back on my life and only see waste and regret for letting anxiety get the better of me.
I appreciate the conversation here on NMP and will continue to ask for advice and also, hopefully, help others in their same journey.
I must change my thinking about anxiety....I have no other choice....
Mike
Was just thinking about you a moment ago and how you were doing. Sometimes we all just need that kick up the backside to motivate us away from our comfort zone. I existed in my comfort zone for 10 years, not lived existed . This last breakdown knocked me for six and have been pretty despondent about the future until,my backside kick, my mum saying she wanted her daughter back! I am now making a real effort to conquer this. it will be a hard journey but I'll try my best. Today not the greatest because of another problem but I'm managing remarkably well. Good luck with your fight . we can do it !!!!
What an interesting thread.
Enjoy the relief that you don't have to anticipate this anymore shelzmike, it's allowed. If we have to endure the anticipatory anxiety that we do we can certainly enjoy those moments of relief when these things have passed too.
I love that I can get really neurotic about stuff and then feel fantastic when they've passed or been found to be untrue etc. It almost makes it worth enduring and getting past these things so you can feel the benefit when it is resolved. It's good that these things can have a reward element too.
Well done that you were feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It didn't happen but that's who you were and will be in the future. Plenty to feel confident about.
MissyMischief
21-10-15, 22:52
Wow, your last post hits home in so many ways. I'm very much like you...sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know that if we both have 100% belief that we will get better, then we will. It's great that you have a loving wife and daughter on your side.
Good luck and take care!
I had a similar experience, although to a much lesser degree.
When I was quite badly agoraphobic, I had to go t the dentist for a filling.
I had all weekend to work my self into a state. I had to take a Valium just to get to the surgery.
I was sweating, hyperventilating, pins and needles, faint etc.
Then the receptionist asked if I could come back tomorrow as the dentist had a family emergency.!?
The relief was fantastical.
ALLmy anxiety symptoms dried up within minutes
II almost punched the air on your behalf mike, when you were told to turn around.:yahoo:
But I bet after 2 or 3 mins all anxiety faded away from you as the 'perceived threat' of that journey/trip was removed.
You are so right, life is too short to waste on only living half a life.
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