Frightened.

[Scaredlady]

So it's 2am and I am yet again wide awake because I am too scared to sleep.

I have had an extremely stressful last 6 months and eventually went to see my GP who diagnosed me with anxiety.

Some days I am absolutely fine but other days like today things are really bad.

I am terrified that I am going to go mad and end up in a mental hospital. I have this thing where I am anxious of hearing voices. On my bad days the most normal of sounds can trigger my anxiety, the kettle, a plane overhead etc and I will then start fretting worrying that it was a 'voice'.

I try to breathe in and out, shake my limbs, calm down, distract myself but nothing helps.

I can't shake the fear that I am on the fast track to being sectioned at a hospital for people with mental health problems and spend the rest of my life on medication, in and out of mental health clinics.

I am terrified of going mad and of hearing voices. I spend hours reasoning with myself but no matter how much I rationalise the situation I end up back in the same dark place.... thinking that I am going to start hearing voices or convincing myself that any noise at all was infact a voice.

I have never posted on forums like this before but in my efforts tonight to find
some advice online I came across this site.

I am scared and nothing helps: I don't want to end up in a hospital but I am afraid that is what is going to happen. I am now at the point where I am even anxious about being anxious and I hate it.

[shelzmike]

For starters, you are absolutely not alone in your feelings. If you take a look at lots of the posts here, you will realize that almost immediately. I found, early on in my disorder, that this alone helps just a little bit.

Every single thing that you mentioned is 100% "normal" and expected as it relates to anxiety. The double-edged sword with anxiety is that it is a completely and 100% natural bodily function, no different than respiration, digestion, circulation etc. They are all actually designed for our survival! So, from that logic and fact, why would it do anything to harm us? The answer is that it will not. However, I know this is easier said than done, trust me I know. The "early" stages are always the hardest I do remember that for sure. I never thought I would ever be the same or that I was going to end up in a mental hospital or lose my mind. Here I am 14+ years into it and looking back, I have done some amazing things, I think. I have been successful in education, being a husband, father, and in my career. Does this mean that I have been anxiety free or panic free? Does this mean that I have only had a few periods with a few panic attacks? Hardly. I have had many instances of anxiety, panic, agoraphobia. Some have been short and some long. Some have been mild, and some have been quite rough. The point is that we have to work on acceptance. It is a slow process for sure for some. We have to accept that we have this disorder and learn a slightly different way to live with it. I wish I could tell you that there is a point in time where you will be "cured" of anxiety disorder but I don't really believe that. However, will it get better...ABSOLUTELY! The reason I say that I don't believe we will be "cured" is because biologically that makes no sense. EVERYONE has anxiety from time to time. Saying we will be cured of anxiety is about the same as saying we will be cured of digestion or cured of breathing! Sounds funny right? I hope what I am saying makes sense.

The reason that we feel so bad and why anxiety is slightly different than those other bodily functions is the way that we can affect it with our thinking. Anxiety is normal for everyone, anxiety disorder is actually a thinking problem. Because of this, the only way we can get past it is to change our thinking, work on accepting it and education ourselves on how we operate. As my signature mentions, anxiety is nothing more than imagination used improperly. And it really is! Look back at your post - everything that you said you were worried about are all thoughts!. The disorder part is that we feel we cannot control our thoughts but that is not true. It IS true that it becomes hard when the anxiety is swirling, but it can be done.

I try to say this to everyone, but one of the very best things I have found that helps, especially with newer anxiety sufferers is Claire Weekes' publications and recordings. Hope and Help for your Nerves is a book by her that is absolutely fantastic. I can guarantee that by the time you finish, you will feel better educated, hopeful for healing your sensitization, and calmer.

Good luck to you! I know you can do it. That might sound strange since I do not know you, but I know the disorder and the human condition and know we have every capability to rise above it in some way.

Mike

[Scaredlady]

Hi Mike.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I will definitely look into the publications that you have suggested, I will do it today infact.

I have always been a very analytical thinker and yes to the point that I over think endlessly but I never felt anxious with it.

My anxiety seemingly took hold about 6 months ago during a period where I was having quite a stressful life, but the actual trigger was something that I can infact pin point.

I had been in bed reading in complete silence, no tv, no background noise and had eventually put the book down around 1am to sleep. I was drifting off and woke out of my sleep thinking I had heard something but thought nothing more of it and went back to sleep.

The next morning I woke up and was overcome with anxiety- The noise was too much, it was like I was being over sensitive to any sound and it was physically hurting my ears.

I couldn't stand sound, it was irritating me- water running, the washing machine, the sound of my own breathing etc. I was questioning every sound thinking it was voices, second guessing any noise at all.

I was telling myself 'not to be silly' but it wouldn't go away and I couldn't shift the fear of schizoprenia. This went on for a number of months and I eventually went to my GP in July who said it was anxiety and prescribed Propranolol 40mg twice a day. I haven't taken it because I am worried that if I take it, it could trigger schizoprenia or some similar illness- I know how insane that sounds, just as I know my thought pattern is jumbled at present, but are you sure this all isn't the onset of schizoprenia??? My doctor told me no when I asked her but I am worried that she might be wrong.

My good days are great but my bad days are very dark and no technique has helped. Night times are the worse and I am so tired.

Did you take any medication? I hope you don't mind me asking. I have read that Propranolol doesn't actually resolve the issue of anxious thoughts, it merely helps to calm you down a bit or as my doctor said 'take the edge of'.

Thanks again for the reply and the advice. I suppose I haven't actually been dealing with my anxiety, instead I have been enduring the bad days, hoping I can continue to carry on without actually addressing the problem and it will never improve with this pattern of behaviour.

[shelzmike]

Yep. Early on in my disorder, I was, as most people are especially in the US, prescribed all sorts of things - SSRI's, benzodiazapenes, trycyclic antidepressants, etc. I am not a big med taker but I was so desperate, I wanted the "quick-fix". However, there is no such thing and I am now, after years of research, an anti-SSRI'er. I get flack for it at times, but I feel my reasons are sound when taken with an actual understanding of anxiety disorder. I do still have a prescription for xanax that I take when the anxiety is all too much and gets in the way with life. It absolutely does not remove the anxiety in the way we want it to (like ibuprofen takes away a headache), but it does take the edge off and helps me stay away from a panic attack in most cases. Our minds race...even in non anxious times. I am sure you can relate to the fact that you feel you think a lot more than others do - about everything. I have always been this way too. This is part of what causes us to have this disorder in the first place.

Now, as far as the schizophrenia thing - many of us anxiety folk have had their bouts with health anxiety and that "one thing" we are sure we have and it can change from time to time. MS and ALS are very big ones for us. I actually have experience with schizophrenia in a way not related to me directly but it caused me to do a lot of research on it. My middle son, finally correctly diagnosed as having schizotypal personality disorder, was incorrectly diagnosed at one point with having schizophrenia (as an aside, although the names look similar, they are not related really). From all of my research, I do not think there is such a thing as sudden onset schizophrenia that we are aware of. Sure, it can possibly onset later in life, but most people with it don't see it as abnormal, if that makes any sense. I guess what I mean is that people aren't diagnosed with schizophrenia in the ER. It is usually over a long period of time of ruling out so many other things. For all intents and purposes a good way I deal with illness worry is to look at the statistics.

I believe that the chances are 1 in 100. Not exceedingly rare, but you could look at it like this: sure there is a 1% chance that I do have it, but there is a 99% chance that I don't. The odds are 99% greater that I don't...we must try to stay positive about this. Also, one other thing, we have got to put faith in the medical community. It has been hard over the years to accept that I have just anxiety as it feels so bad sometimes. However, to this point, the diagnosis fits, and in 14 years it has never been proven wrong. I would say if your doc was concerned about it, even in the slightest, they would send you for further evaluation. If you are that concerned, perhaps a secondary opinion will help you feel better?

Mike

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Scaredlady,

It's very common for people really struggling to think they are losing their minds. I've been there a fair few times, especially when my OCD started as I knew nothing about it other than the usual media driven rubbish that it's about excessive cleaning, hoarding, lock checking, etc. It helped me greatly to understand what it was and others with OCD say the same.

So, you may find this thread interesting as this is another new member with similiar worries to you:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=174792

That might answer some of the questions you have. It should explain in there about Hypnagogia and Hypnopompia as you mentioned one of these above (don't worry, it's normal, all people experience varied phenomena in these sleep states) but ask if you are unsure.

Inside that thread I've also added links to a few more and I suggest you read those too. Those are on the OCD board and they are all more recent ones I can remember with people who thought they could become schizophrenic, suffer psychosis, etc. Inside one of those links I think I gave someone an example of someone who really did suffer those types of episodes and if you read it you would really see the difference as he had no understanding of his actions and reality, he was totally immersed in it (it was another members brother who he was asking for help with).

Since your focus is on this, OCD is a possibility since it is one form of it that is known. Do you have intrusive thoughts about it?

You are in good company on here though, everyone will understand as anxiety can make you feel like you are losing it anyway. I remember reading a NHS leaflet when coming out of one of the centres where they treat such cases (the charity I attened walk-ins at rented a meeting room there for us) and it mentioned how these people don't realise it.

[Scaredlady]

Hi.

Thank you for your reply and the information.

I found the thread of the newcomer you were referring to and have posted a reply; It certainly sounds similar to my experience.

I will read your links properly this afternoon. Thank you very much again for replying/advising.

[HaroldMorse]

During panic attacks everything looks hard. I also take xanax to control my anxiety...
You are not alone, it can be easily treated with the medicines and therapy...

[Scaredlady]

During panic attacks everything looks hard. I also take xanax to control my anxiety...
You are not alone, it can be easily treated with the medicines and therapy...

Thank You. I hope it can be treated.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi,

I noticed you posted on the other thread. Hopefully you can help each other too.

You mentioned on the other thread that you were learning about intrusive thoughts and how these could be the voices you are concerned about if I recall rightly. There are some useful resources attached here:

http://psychology.tools/obsessive-co...-disorder.html
http://self-help.tools/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/
http://psychology.tools/thought-supp...-thoughts.html
http://psychology.tools/intrusive-th...-metaphor.html
http://psychology.tools/cognitive-model-of-ocd.html

I would also suggest having a look at the Thought Records section here:

http://psychology.tools/download-the...orksheets.html

The Intrusion Record is included in the OCD stuff above.

Those should help you out a bit.

Intrusive thoughts are something we all have, all human beings, it's just we don't notice. Anxiety heightens our senses alone but we also get all this mind chatter and start to notice our intrusive thoughts. They really are just the subconscious saying "ok, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do so I'm going to send all of this data to conscious brain to make a decision". The conscious mind, the cognitive mind, is in charge but the subconscious mind runs checks to memory to see if it can make a match and it is guided by core beliefs and deeper values linked to our identity (Schemas). So, because we didn't grow up as psychopaths or paedophiles (if you consider the examples of Harm Based OCD and Paedophilia OCD) it can't find anything to match to as we have those moral values we built or had instilled in us. Thats why we don't act on our intrusive thoughts - because they are "ego dystonic", which just means the opposite of our true values and beliefs.

Intrusive thoughts can feel real at first but as you learn about them you will learn to spot them and differeniate between those and your cognitive thoughts more easily.

[Scaredlady]

Thanks MyNameIsTerry for the reply and the useful links. I will read them now!