How do I find MYSELF?

[elik]

I am so scared. SO scared. I feel like all I do is write on here panicking because I don't know what to do. I'm completely lost. I am breaking if not broken already. I feel like I have a personality disorder on top of all this stuff. I am over thinking everything. I don't know what I like, what I don't like, etc. I don't know anything about myself and I am miserable.

I don't know how to feel more secure and settled within myself.

I'm a MESS.

[Oosh]

It doesn't feel very nice, but don't make it bigger than it is. It'll settle down in time and you'll feel better about things. So try not to ruin that chance to improve and enjoy by getting all catastrophic now.

Find yourself by giving yourself stimulus like books, questions, scenarios and instead be HONEST about what your thoughts, feelings, opinions are on the various things. How do various things honestly make you feel ? What do you appear to like and not like ? Be honest though. You might want to deny it because you're fearful of peers opinions on how you think you feel. Balls to them, secure people end up that way because they rate who and everything they are and don't give a toss what others think. That's what makes them secure, have self respect and even be charismatic to those around them. THEY say what's ok or not. They don't copy, they aren't sheep, they are proud to be who and what they are and anybodies attempts to lower their self esteem bounces off because they are proud to be who they are and be an individual and not a sheep.

If you feel and see that way you become attractive and likeable to other people BECAUSE it's apparent you're like that. Whereas sheep just end up climbing over each other to see who can kiss the dominant persons backside next and copy who they appear to be.

Start to be proud of who you are and what you like. Entertain the idea that it's actually worth a lot instead of holding the default opinion that it's worth nothing.

You really can change. You've got to start seeing and doing things differently though.

[Scaredlady]

I know what it is like to be scared, I feel it alot and it absolutely terrifies me because of the fear of going mad.

You really aren't alone in your thoughts, which is something I only accepted TODAY through registering for this site and seeing posts from people who are suffering in the same way as I am.

Best wishes to you.

[elik]

I know but I don't like who I feel like I'm becoming. If I'm true to myself, I feel like I am getting irritable, bitter and frustrated because of my past and the way people treat me. I don't like it at all but I can't help it. I don't want to turn into that sort of person! I'm wanting to seclude myself incase I act like this. I feel completely out of control of myself :(


HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Fishmanpa]

I wish there were words that would truly calm you and point you in the right path but in this medium, they are just words and unless you act on them, nothing will change. Are you getting real life help for yourself? One on one counseling and a real life support system would be much more helpful.

I hope you begin to feel better soon.

Positive thoughts

[Oosh]

Who you are isn't irritable and bitter. You FEEL irritable and bitter, AT the moment. You feel irritable and bitter at the moment because part of you is unhappy with how your relationships/friendships are going and have gone in the past.

There's the real you
then there's the person you FEAR you are
then there's the person you PRETEND you are to hide the person you fear you are.

It affects probably everyone like that. You could put a bubble above everyone's head with a fear/negative belief like yours.

I'm ugly
I'm unlovable
I'm not likeable
I'm boring
I don't deserve love
Who I am, the real me inside, is ugly and worthless
Etc etc etc

You fear you're something THAT YOURE NOT.
The sooner you genuinely believe that and instead start to see that who and what you are does have quality the sooner your mood will improve and you'll feel the benefit of it in your life and in your relationships.

I was like that for years. I know EXACTLY how it feels. I went through periods of having friendships that sounded a lot like yours. I didn't know who I was anymore plus I had WAY more bad stuff going on than that.
I feared and believed absolutely that I was nothing. I was bitter about how I'd been treated by some when I was struggling. But I got out of that situation. I surrounded myself with new people and found in time I could become a new me, a me I'd not really been aware of.

It's a very normal situation to have to get to know yourself. It's difficult to do if you have grown into relationships that make you feel like someone you don't like. It's all very fixable.

It's hard to give you specific advice because it's all very vague.

Do you have any relationships/friendships you're happy with and like how they treat you ? Can you not gravitate towards the friendships you have that you can learn to like yourself in. Try to be around kinder more accepting people where you can try to be who you like more. If you don't have any it would really do you good to find some. Having good people around you really can make all the difference. Being alone with all of these negative ideas in your head really doesn't help.
I think good people I came into contact with helped put me back together.

Forget about anything you did in the past, you spoke about lies. Start being understanding with yourself. Whatever you did there will have been a perfectly human reason for it. Look at it with understanding for the younger you.

Everyone is living this stuff. Being yourself, liking yourself, relationships that work/don't work, the whole world is going through the same thing to varying degrees. It makes you the same as everyone else, no better, no worse. Show yourself a bit of understanding. It's a good place to start.

Why are you isolating yourself ? Are you scared that you are getting angry with your friends, snapping at them etc and fearing you're going to ruin the relationships ?

[elik]

Thank you for your time and responses. All of these points are true but I feel like they aren't to me. I'm so self absorbed by these issues and so in deep that I can't see from any other perspective. I'm getting swallowed by my anxiety obsession and its changing me. I know I could say good things about myself but I feel like I'm getting further away from
This person each day and more lost. I'm trying really hard to remain strong, working, socializing, etc but all I want to do is be on my own because as bad as it sounds I feel so flummoxed by these feelings that they are the only thing I have an emotional reaction to. I feel like I can't connect with people at the moment and scare myself because I'm not feeling empathy etc just worried about me all the time. I refuse to be this kind of person so why do I feel so uncaring ? I don't process life situations, I don't know how to o shut everything out so I automatically assume I have no care. It's like I'm floating through everything, I can't let myself mourn etc it all just blurs into one fuzzy mess. How can I do any more than I am ? I want to see my therapist again, I'm still on meds, I want to try hypnotherapy and I'm keeping occupied, doing exercise, What else ?

[Oosh]

You're not the only one who has felt like that. Feel like that and continue to work towards solutions. It WILL work itself out in time.

Do you feel your meds are helping ? Meds detach you from how you feel. That's what they're supposed to do. They stop you from going too low or too anxious etc by disconnecting you to some extent. I was numb for four years on Prozac. I literally remember saying " I can't feel anything".

You want to feel yourself. How can you even begin to do that on meds ?

You also sound like you do need some space to step back from your life and catch up with yourself. Being busy and feeling overwhelmed by things can mean living on autopilot and that in itself is numbing.

If what you're doing isn't working, do something different. I know it's scary but it's those changes that bring the change.

Are you happy with your meds ? Are they making you feel like yo want to feel ?

Hypnotherapy is where you end up when you just wish someone else would go in there and fix it for you. You don't need someone else to do that. You can put yourself in a better place. Don't get overwhelmed, take one problem at a time.

[elik]

I need someone to sort this out for me. I don't care about winning or losing I just want to get on with my life. I have become so self absorbed with my problems I don't like it. I look for attention from people because I crave reassurance and validation. I HATE myself. I'm terrible. This sounds all so vicious circle like but I don't know if I deserve to be happy when I have the thought process that I do. I don't Know where to turn. I need to calm myself to start thinking logically but I don't know how Im just flapping and drowning

[Oosh]

Start a diary and write yourself calm. It helps you focus.

How you think means nothing about who you are. It's just the usual negative beliefs you are building up about yourself. When mood improves these things generally improve too.

I'd have a serious think if you feel your med is helping you.

See how I'm talking to you now ? Your clearly the voice of anxiety, low self esteem, low mood etc etc and I'm problem solving, looking for healthier perspectives, calming, teach yourself to develop that personality of your own.

You don't need someone on the Internet to be that for you, you can learn to be it for yourself. Practice, it's like muscles that need building up when they've been out of use.

Recognise the elik personality in there flapping away. Then develop a maternal, big sister elik that calms you, gives you good perspectives and cheers you up.
Then with practice make the maternal calming elik dominant.

[elik]

I think you're right when you say to query the medication. I think it is a possibility that I am becoming immune to them as I have been on Sertraline for a few years. I just feel like I have the most complex, jarred and messy thought process and I cant think about anything other than my weird and wonderful thoughts. I live in a completely different world, where the normal things to worry about don't bother me, and completely unrealistic things rule..

You are right, sorry I am probably tiring you out also!

Thanks

Ellie